Mountain of Hope...Mound of Ash

 

Image from JJ Hart

On occasion when I was following my very long path to transgender womanhood, I did experience enough hope to keep moving forward towards my ultimate goal of living a fulltime feminine life. 

Those were the days I was on top of the world and felt good about my life as a whole. Sadly, too many times my dreams were crushed mainly with me making poor gender decisions. Those were the nights I returned home with tears in my eyes following brutal interactions with the public. I was at the least stared at and at the worst laughed at to my face. Since I had only the mirror to blame for lying to me, I needed to find a better way to improve my presentation as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. 

Really, the only recourse I had was to keep going out hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Very gradually, out of sheer will power, I did become better at my craft and my confidence grew. I was climbing my mountain of hope and staying there. Sadly, my only mound of ash came when I was discovered by my second wife when I was returning home after a night out. Predictably a massive fight would happen, and feelings would be hurt. It wasn't until years later when I finally had the courage to face my gender truth and finally transition. By that time my wife had passed away and it was a moot point. Following her passing, I found I had another mountain to climb. 

My mountain was one of loneliness. For the first time in over twenty-five years, I was by myself with only my two dogs to take care of. No other person to worry about disappointing with all of my gender adventures. It did not take me long to decide which direction to go with my life. My inner feminine soul was screaming to be let out and for once there was nothing to restrain her. She was my woman, and I was her.  With new enthusiasm, I began to climb again. Sure, there were still setbacks and problems with my new life. A primary example was when I tried to date men and was constantly stood up on potential dates. Fortunately, when I began to be accepted by lesbians, I found I did not need a man to be validated as a woman. 

When I climbed my gender mountain, I began to begin too clearly see what was going on around me. As all the clouds and doubt parted and I could see there was only one path for me to pursue. I finally gave up on my male self, gave away all his clothes, started gender affirming hormones and never looked back. 

When I finally freed myself up to be me, I never had felt better. It was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders which I had carried way too long. Since I am afraid of heights, climbing my gender mountain was never easy but I made it. 

Outreach Lunch

 

Today is the Alzheimer's Association diversity council holiday luncheon.  

It will be interesting on several levels. The first level will be the near hour drive to get to the venue in a rainstorm. Of course, I put off getting gas in the car so I will have to stop in the rain to fill the car up with gas. Which will undoubtedly ruin all the time and effort I put into doing my makeup and hair this morning. One of the problems of being a woman.

The second level I will face is all the people I will be meeting for the first time in person. Since I joined the diversity council, all the meetings have been virtual, so I did not have to worry as much about my overall appearance. Resorting to a close shave and light makeup to get me by. This morning, I needed to be on point with my makeup and hair regardless of the weather, so I put more time and effort into my appearance. 

Plus, there will be more people at the luncheon since the Dayton, Ohio chapter is joining us for the holiday luncheon.  Since I have been received well by all the people in the Cincinnati chapter, I have no reason to believe the other new people will be any different. 

When we go around the table for any new news, I can even come up with my own. I can tell the experience of mine with the television reporter who supposedly wanted to interview me concerning LGBTQ elder care when in fact he kept steering the interview towards my feelings about the election. I will try to explain to the group why I turned him down and with it, a chance to publicize the work of the Alzheimer's diversity council. 

Overall, I hope I can catch a break with the heavy rain which is forecast and enjoy my lunch. Sometimes I struggle being social around strangers, so we will see.

In the meantime, you do not need to be in Cincinnati to volunteer your time to a local or regional Alzheimer's chapter.  If I am any kind of an example, you will be welcomed with open arms. Also, in my case, I am trying to pay forward the assistance my family received when my dad passed years ago from the very ugly disease.

If anything happens good or bad at the luncheon, I will write about it later. 

Trans Fun?

 

Holiday Image, JJ Hart author.

Are we having any fun yet as the holidays are upon us? 

Certainly, it is a tough time of the year as transgender women and trans men face the daunting task of facing unapproving families. Too many of us face a lonely existence this holiday month. In many ways, we are uniquely qualified to face the challenge. For those of us who were ravaged by testosterone poisoning and not gifted by natural feminine features, our path is a steep one to finding any acceptance at all in our transgender womanhood. 

In my sense, there was only brief gender euphoria moments during too many instances of rejection by the public. Every now and then, I would have moments of fun when I briefly succeeded at my goal of successfully presenting as a woman. Then, all too often I would ruin it all by not knowing how to move as a woman or more importantly having any idea how to communicate with the public as the person I had always wanted to be. 

Through it all, I did have enough fun, or at least satisfaction to keep moving forward. To be certain, there was a difference between having fun or being satisfied with what I was doing. To be satisfied meant deep down I felt natural when I was pursuing my feminine dreams. To put it another way, there was a flood of water under my gender bridge primarily in the decade after 2007 when my second wife passed away and opened the door to a total transition into transgender womanhood. If I wasn't hanging out with lesbians in their venues, I was finding my way in big sports bars as a regular. Slowly but surely, I learned I still was alone on my gender path, even though I was meeting and learning from a few of the cis women I stayed close to. It was difficult because I had always trained myself to keep everyone else at an arm's length so I would not be hurt. The difference was now I was finally at the level personally where I wanted to be as my authentic self so I could accept new friends.

If I had liked, it or not I had finally reached the bottom-line where I had always wanted to be. When I did, I began too actually relax and enjoy myself. Which means I was having fun, regardless of myself. Perhaps I was fortunate in that my path forward was complex but maybe not as complex as is the norm these days. Social media contacts were just becoming the norm and maybe it meant the tons of trash I needed to sift through to find my wife Liz was destiny and not luck since she actually sought me out online after reading my profile. Then, there was my public persona which I don't necessarily recommend because I was going out to venues as a single transgender woman. Back in those days at least, one did not have to worry about someone else putting date drugs in your drink while you were not looking. 

Looking back, I did have fun during those days and primarily it was because my confidence in my new self was increasing because of the people around me. I could copy what they did as women and do the best I could. Which was better than I had ever done before. I had paid my transition dues and was ready to face the future.  

Tennis Anyone?

Image from Tony Luginsland
on UnSplash.

 Back when I managed a prominent casual dining/bar venue, we had two women who would frequently come to our bar after finishing their round of tennis. 

Of course, I always noticed and was jealous of their short tennis outfits. I immediately put acquiring some sort of a tennis outfit on my cross dressing to do list. Since I had always admired short mini skirts and dresses on women, finding a short mini white dress to wear as the primary part of a tennis outfit was a priority.

As luck would have it, I found the ideal dress at a women's clothing shop in a mall I always went to. Once I had the white dress, I discovered the rest of the outfit would be fairly easy to put together. I ended up finding an inexpensive pair of white tennis shoes and socks to go with the shoes. The only problem I had then was what I was going to do about the hair on my legs. 

Even though my wife knew I shaved my legs on occasion, she was not overjoyed when I shaved. Primarily because she worried, I was up to no good when I shaved my legs, and she was right. On this occasion, I could not wait to show off my legs and new tennis outfit in one of the malls I always went to. Before I went to the mall, as always, I needed to create the time to do it away from my wife's disapproving eyes. I waited until she was working a day shift, and I began the fairly intense process of shaving my face and legs. 

Once I completed the shave and applied my makeup and hair, I was ready to test out my new tennis look outfit on the world. Immediately, I felt the thrill of my shaved legs in the short white dress I was wearing. So out the door I went into the world. As I arrived in the mall, I noticed my supposedly admiring public was primarily made up of retired men in the mall just to walk and admire the view. Since I was the view, I wore a pair of sunglasses so I could watch their reaction to me without being obvious. It worked and I could see them staring at the tall blond in a tennis outfit.

As I saw it, I received all the pleasure from tennis without putting in all the work. Now all I needed to figure out was how to hide my extra women's clothing. On this occasion, I used a little used closet and hid my new treasured outfit among a set of my old male clothes I never wore. 

For a change, my ideas of how to come as close as I could to learning for myself how a woman would feel in a tennis outfit came together. I could show off my legs and have fun doing it. Plus, I could cross another item off my transgender bucket list. Quickly, I was off to another quest. 

Answering the Call

 

Image from Alexey Elfimov on UnSplash.

On occasion I am sorry to say it took me over a half a century to answer my gender call. But thankfully, I finally did take the call and listen to the urgent message. 

Please keep in mind I don't count all the years I attempted to cross dress my gender issues away. As I often write about, all cross dressing did was provide me with a quick fix. After I dressed as a girl, I felt better for a while before the same old tensions of life with gender dysphoria set in. The problem was, deep down I knew I wanted to do so much more than look feminine, I wanted to be feminine. 

One of the few good things which came from my gender struggles was practice made perfect. Even though I knew I was the only one who could see my progress with makeup and clothes, I stuck with trying to improve every time I cross dressed. It was so difficult for me since I only had the mirror to answer to when checking out my progress. The problem was the mirror was so good in telling me everything, but the truth and I tried to keep in mind I might look good, for a boy in drag. Not as an actual girl. In other words, I learned I needed to hold myself to a higher level than other cis women I observed if I was to survive among them. 

The entire process was so difficult for me since I had never been detailed orientated in my life. Just getting by was not going to be the way to go. I was fortunate when I encountered professionals in the makeup world who helped me along. One in particular came following a transvestite-transgender party mixer I attended near Cleveland, Ohio years ago. After the mixer slowed down, the organizers provided several makeup professionals to provide free tips to whoever had the nerve to ask. On that evening, I am happy I put my ego behind me and answered the call for much needed makeup assistance. The catch was I needed to remove all my makeup and wig and let the professional start over. His work and results were amazing, and I even understood all the tips he was trying to tell me. The end result was I was flooded with compliments and my gender euphoria soared to an all-time high. Furthermore, later on that evening, I was even hit on by a guy in a straight venue I went to with other transwomen from the mixer. 

That night, I did not answer the call to stay with the guy who showed interest in me. My reason was, I was in a strange town with a person I did not know, and I did not know if he realized I was transgender. Not a good place to be at two in the morning. On the other hand, I loved it when the other "A-listers" from the mixer were jealous of me for once.

Along the way, I ended up answering enough calls to barely keep myself going. There were plenty of times when I did not know if my mental health could take it, and I could keep going. It was then when I took the all-important call to begin gender affirming hormones and change my life forever. I was sixty by then and knew there would be no turning back. After I did, I learned taking the most important call of my life turned out to be a life survivor for me. I remember the evening when I decided to answer my phone for the last time. All of the sudden the voice told me I was free to live as my authentic self and the relief I felt was tremendous. All my previous misgivings were swept away. 

Gender House of Cards

 

Image from Erick Langfield on Unsplash.

Just when I thought I had my life altogether, the world collapsed on me.

For example, when I thought my makeup and hair was the best, I could do, I would walk or scowl like a linebacker and ruin my entire feminine image. Of course, then, I would have to recount my steps and see what I was doing wrong. It took me years to build a solid foundation to build my gender future on because my base was so weak.

What made matters worse was the fact at the same time, I was beginning to do so much better as a man with my career. It was like I was succeeding despite of myself. Down deep, I attempted to destroy everything I worked so hard to achieve. All the self-destruction really took a toll on me and my mental health. To make matters worse, on my worst days I would attempt to take my gender frustrations out on the people closest to me. I became so bad; I even lost a job over my actions. Perhaps the worst part was, I did not grasp what was happening to me. I kept repeating the same old stop-gap routine of cross dressing once or twice a week, feeling better for a day or two before I would revert back to my old gender frustrations again. Predictably, my frustrations would repeat, and my gender house of cards would come crashing down again. 

Finally, as I began to acquire more confidence in my transgender womanhood, I started to increasingly build a better base and feel better about the major struggles I knew were coming up ahead. Primarily, what was I going to do about my twenty-five-year marriage to a woman I loved and a successful job I would have to leave behind. And all of that just scratched the surface of all the obstacles I would need to face such as what would my sexuality be if I decided to live full-time as a transgender woman. The path ahead, at the least was very murky. 

Since I was a very social person, I needed to figure out how not to be so lonely anymore. I just could not keep going out to be alone. My dilemma was men did not approach me seriously and I did not know how to react if they did. My first date with a man was with a transgender man who afterwards said I was very scared. Which was true. The problem became when the only other path to being social for me came by approaching other cis women. Fortunately, I did not have a problem because more and more of them approached me. For whatever reason. Regardless, when I went out socially, I ended up at the least talking with other women. Just having the chance to practice my feminine communication helped me to build a better gender base to build from. 

From that point, life became easier, and my path became clearer. Increasingly I understood I needed to leave the male life I never really wanted behind and jump the gender border at whatever the cost. I was near the age of sixty and was so tired of living a lie and was to the point if I did not complete my transition, I would never have the chance to live my dream.

By this time, I was able to build a solid gender house of cards, so everything turned out successfully when I made the final move. Perhaps here would be a good time to quote Paula from the UK: "For some of us there is a real need not just dress as a woman, for the world to experience us, and accept us as a woman ~ it is not enough that in our mind we are women, we need to go all the way; and that is why we need to transition. I too remember my wife saying (with no intended irony at all) "It takes balls to be a woman"

Most certainly Paula our wives were right. That is the primary reason it takes a solid foundation to approach transgender womanhood. Thanks for the comment!

Tomorow is Here

Outreach Image from
JJ Hart.
 

 This morning, I went with my wife Liz to her doctor's appointment. She is a morning person which I am not, so I needed to be up much earlier than normal. 

To make up for it, I shaved before I went to bed which was enough beard removal to get by with a light application of foundation. The entire process gained me a half hour of extra sleep which came in handy. Another benefit of being the first appointment was being in a nearly empty waiting room and actually being on time to be called. So, any worry about being noticed as a transgender woman in a potentially hostile world was erased. 

I don't know why I worry so much. In the past ten years or so, I have never been harassed by anyone which means I am meeting my goal to dress to blend in with the public of women I encounter.  Also, I cannot stress enough how much confidence plays in my presentation as a trans woman. I need to be prepared to smile and speak with other strangers, primarily women. 

Coming up, I have several occasions to socialize with other women who I have never met before. However, a few I have met virtually several times so it will be interesting to see how it goes. Fortunately, we have a good weather day coming up for me to make a relatively lengthy drive to the venue where the luncheon is being held. I have an outfit picked out. It is a regional Alzheimer's diversity meeting, so I want to not be a distraction. As the only transgender person involved, I want to put my insecurities and contribute what I can to the group.  Primarily, the reason I turned down a request to talk with a television reporter who acted as if he wanted to interview me concerning LGBTQ elderly care. Instead, the reporter kept steering the conversation towards the election which I preferred not to talk about. So, I decided not to go any further. I feel as if I need to explain it to the group.

Other get togethers are smaller Christmas or Yule events which are with people I have known for a long time, so there is no threat. 

One thing is for certain, my long wait for my gender tomorrow is here. My trip to transgender womanhood has finally arrived and I need to enjoy and make the best of the life I have always dreamed of and put years of work being a cross dresser to get here.   

Who was the Problem?

 

Image from Ben White on UnSplash

Looking back at my long journey to transgender womanhood, I finally discovered I was the true problem all along.

I was in shock. All this time I was desperately seeking someone else to blame for my gender identity issues. I kept thinking I was alone in the world and why did it have to be me. Remember too I grew up in the pre-internet generation before there was much if any real information available to gender challenged people. The struggle was real.

It took me years to figure out I was not a man cross dressing as a woman but rather I was a woman cross dressing as a man. To arrive at such a major point in my life required years of trial and error in the public's eye as a novice femininized person. To advance to the life I had always dreamed of, required a lot of work on one hand and confidence I could do it on the other. 

Somehow, I needed to work through all my paranoia I was experiencing and begin to enjoy my new life. I equate it now with learning to dance with a new partner and beginning to feel at ease with it. Primarily when I tried to perfect moving as fluidly and gracefully as a natural woman. Moving like a linebacker at a dance was out. It all was a major obstacle towards moving to my dream. Or could I ever hope to be able to live fulltime as a woman like I had seen others around me do. Then if moving as a woman was not difficult, communicating came along and presented the greatest challenges of all. 

The act of communication came up on me quickly. As I started to go out in the public's eye just to get out of the house as a woman, the better I became doing it. I learned quickly, how many other women wanted to communicate with me. For the most part, they were just being nice and wanted to know what I was doing in their world. Once they found out why I was there and I did not pose a threat, they wanted to know more. If I did not learn the basics of feminine communication quickly, then I would be the problem if I came off as unfriendly or even worse, bitchy. To work on my fears, I went back to the mirror to practice talking as a woman. It was bad when at first, all I could come up with was a scratchy falsetto which just would not work. Initially, before I began vocal lessons, I started with a quiet background voice as I tried my best to mimic the woman I was talking to. 

Perhaps the biggest problem I encountered was adjusting to the basic passive aggressive spirit of women everywhere. Primarily, I needed to learn a smiling face did not always mean acceptance from another woman. I was the problem when I treated smiles as acceptance and learned the hard way when they were not. I think I still have the scars down my back to prove it.

It turned out, my basic stubbornness to leave my male self behind was the real problem. All the stress and tension he caused over the years cannot be reclaimed.  In the end, I needed to put all the blame on myself. If I could have understood all my gender issues over the years, life would have been so much more pleasant for me. I am sure it all goes back to me knowing I felt better as a girl and more natural. I have no idea now why I waited so long. Except I did not want to give up all the materialistic items I had accumulated as a guy. It took a transgender woman to whisper in my ear that all would OK if I just had followed my heart and transitioned. Then I would not have been the problem at all. 

Joy to the World

Image from JJ Hart Liz on right.

Gender euphoria is so wonderful to a transgender woman or trans man striving to present themselves in the world as their authentic selves. On the other hand, it is often very rare to obtain. 

The brief moments I experienced euphoria in the world when I first went out as a novice trans woman or cross dresser, kept me going but barely. The reason was, I suffered from huge bouts of  gender dysphoria which wrecked my life. It seemed every morning when I woke up and looked in the mirror, would I see the same old male I never wanted to be or somehow see behind him and view the girl I always dreamed of being. My dreams even reflected my gender issues when I would awake following a very vivid dream where I was the pretty girl. When reality set in, I was very sad.

It took me years to realize I could fight back against my gender dysphoria and do more to live out my dream of living as a woman. Years of sorrow when I failed became years of joy when I succeeded. Progress was very slow at first as I went out shopping in the world and sought out every mirror I could find to restore my faith I was indeed a presentable woman just minding her business in the world. When I discovered most people did not really care about me, my life became much easier and took quite a bit of the pressure off I was feeling. 

Still, I needed more. On every occasion I could, I was out the door seeking new places to visit as my new exciting self. I was walking the gender border and feeling the joy on some of the days I was successful and torment on the days I was not. My main problem was trying to find feedback with what I was attempting to do. The only time I did receive any response was when I went to the small, diverse parties I went to at an acquaintance's house in nearby Columbus, Ohio. From transgender admirers to inquisitive lesbians, I had a chance to meet new people in my world and see how I measured up to them. I knew I could never be a beautiful as a few of the impossibly feminine transgender women who attended but just maybe I could elevate my appearance to a feminine level where I could get by. The parties also proved to be the initial starting point of developing my own new personality as a trans woman, so they were very beneficial.

As I experienced the joy of being my true self, something had to give. Sadly, the something turned out to be my male self and my marriage of twenty five years to my second wife. Both of them suffered terribly. Naturally, neither of them wanted to lose any power. My male self was quite comfortable in the life he had built and my wife did not want to lose the man she married, so I was in for very difficult times. What happened next was my mental health went into a very steep decline. I did not know where to turn and at that time did not have a good therapist to fall back on. Then I resorted to the worst possible choice when I tried to internalize everything. By doing so, I made everything worse. 

I continued to go out as much as i could but ended up just forcing the gender issue and losing any of the joy I had previously felt. It wasn't until I decided to begin gender affirming hormones and transition fully, did I begin to reclaim the happiness I felt. 

Was it worth it? Sure as I finally achieved my dreams of living fulltime as a transgender woman. I just wish I had the courage to do it sooner. Or as my second wife told me a number of times when we bitterly fought...be man enough to be a woman. 

The Double Edged Gender Sword

Image from JJ Hart. Wife Liz on left.

The longer we live as transgender women and trans men, often we find many aspects which represent a double edged sword. 

One of the edges of the sword has to be the duress we feel when at first we arrive in public for the first time. To make matters worse, we have no peer group to help us out of the mirror to be judged by the harsh eyes of the world. No one to tell us we looked clownish as we tried the makeup arts for the first time. I can't tell you how many times I hurried home in tears following being stared at at the least, or laughed out of a venue at the worst.

From it all, I learned to develop a thick skin and always go back to the drawing board as quickly as I could to help solve any presentation problems I might have had. Even when I was doing it, the cross dresser drawing board was certainly difficult to figure out. What happened was, I used the very brief moments of gender euphoria I earned and moved forward attempting to tightrope my way along the sharp edge of my sword. I was risking ridicule at the least and the loss of family, friends and employment at the worst. Failure as a transgender woman was a very real pressure.

Once I began to learn how to present in public more effectively as a transgender woman, I began to use my sword more effectively.  Then the world became much more comfortable for me in my quest to live my femininized dreams. In addition, my makeup arts became better as well as my use of hair to enhance my appearance. 

It bares mentioning also, going through the overall transgender experience, made me a more resilient person and set up to battle the more challenging times we face. I learned in my research transgender folk have always been around and always will be, no matter who tries to erase us. Battling the sword all these years helped me be more secure in my transgender identity. 

In all fairness to my sword, it started out very dull. I worked long and hard to sharpen it by going out in public which was the best indicator of my progress.  So I took all the good and bad and did the best I could with it. All my interaction with the public included the dark evenings when red-necks repeatedly kept playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" on the juke box in a venue where I was a regular. Since management at the time would not support me, I left to find another venue and took my money elsewhere. I was rewarded months later when an employee from the venue I was discouraged from coming to, found me in another venue and invited me back. To make matters even better, the manager who would not back me up was fired for drug use. Excluding a stray bigoted woman in the woman's room, I never had any further problems there again.

Once my gender sword swung back into doses of gender euphoria, I began to appreciate all it had done for me. Transgender womanhood was finally mine to enjoy when I learned I was not a quitter and was in my transition for the long haul. 

Trans Girl in the Winter

Image from Freestocks on UnSplash.

I happen to live in Ohio where there is often a weird mixture of the four seasons of weather. For example, when it seemed fall has set in, summer returns and the sweaters and leggings you have pulled out have to temporally go away. Now, around here we have made our way into winter. Which means I have had to dig a little deeper into my collection of leggings to find the lined ones. I love the soft feel of the leggings and how they keep me warm when the temperature dips well below freezing.

For my wife Liz and I's winter time walks, I usually pair my favorite leggings with my furry boots and bulky soft sweater before I have to go outside and brave the elements. These days, I need to force the issue with my walks since Liz and I are going to visit the Florida Keys in January. So I need to do my best to walk as long as I can when we go. Since there is thirty days away, there is plenty of time to write about our winter vacation before it arrives. Such as my first time swimming as a transgender woman.

If I had my choice, I would choose winter over our hot, humid summers any day. I like the fashion and the fact it is easier for me to stay warm in the winter rather than cold in the summer. I know possibly, I may be in the minority of all transgender women who value the look and feel of bare skin in warmer times. While I remember vividly the freedom I felt when I could finally shave my arms and wear short sleeved women's fashions, over the years, the feeling has somehow went away. One way or another, I have traded the feminine feeling of leggings for the sensation of shaved legs in the wind.

Either way, the entire fashion process is one of the reasons I enjoy my transgender womanhood so much. The planning ahead for the seasons means so much and winter is just a portion of the process. Of course we will see if I am just as enthused if we get any sizeable snowfall in December since I have one Christmas lunch coming up with the Cincinnati Alzheimer's diversity council as well as a Yule get together with Liz's circle of friends. During which I will have the opportunity to explain why I turned down an interview with a local television reporter after the election. 

So there is quite a bit coming up in December, including awaiting the arrival of a new laptop I thought I would go ahead and purchase before the proposed tariff's go into effect driving prices upwards. It will be interesting to see how easy or difficult the set up will be. I am not very technologically advanced. The laptop was one of the biggest purchases I have made in a long time. It was an online Cyber Monday purchase so I did not have to put up with any lines or pestering sales people. Patience, along with many other attributes will have to be my main goals following trying out a new laptop in over a decade. 

Overall, the month of December is more enjoyable with the fashion and festive Christmas lights in the neighborhood. I have respect for those who put effort into holiday decorations since all the work I put into my second wife's extensive decorations 

It all makes up for the drab months of January and February. Being a trans girl in the winter is yet another challenge.