A Trangender Happy Place?

 

Picnic Image from the Archives. 
Liz on right. 

Is there really ever a "happy place" to be considered if you are a transgender woman or a transgender man.

During our lives, we go through so much turmoil and change, we have very little chance to be happy with our choices. Primarily because we enter our interactions with others in a dramatic way. A prime example is the swapping of gender privileges. I remember vividly the night I lost a portion of my intelligence when I attempted to talk about a topic I knew quite a bit about with a man, It was the opposite of the intimidation a trans man friend I know told me about his new communication skills with other men, including rest room visits. Up to the point of me thinking initially the only privilege I was gaining was having men open the door for me. Later I learned I was wrong, there were other more substantial privileges to be gained by joining the world of women. They were just hidden from me and I needed to earn it. 

All the gender privileges in the world I found could not make me happy. Of course I could trace my search of the illusive happiness back to my up bringing. Being happy was not a priority in our family and I did not know how to be happy. So it took me years to at the least be satisfied with my gender transition process but not happy. I just had to be willing to take the walk. Since the walk included many ups and downs, my happy place still was difficult to find. Also, per norm, I was doing my transition different than many others. 

Examples are how I found other women who accepted me for who I was. I did it by going out repeatedly as a single transgender woman and risking the inherent danger in doing so. I was lucky and escaped several potential risks to my personal safety when I did it. The small circle of friends I found and I consumed way too much alcohol and drove all too frequently. Something I do not recommend to anyone. Another chance I took was going on line dating sites to try to find a partner since I was so lonely. Predictably, I was hammered by trash and less than stable responses. Plus, when I refused to meet up with the occasional local person who responded to me, unless we met first in a public spot, I was met with no shows or some squirrely guy who wanted to wear my panties. Not to mention the guys who were married. One of which I had a fabulous date night with but I knew there was no future. 

Through it all, I was still thinking I could find happiness. Somehow, I knew happiness could be around the next corner of the path I was on and was I blaming I could not be happy because I was transgender. Quoting "Jelly Roll" there was a very dark hallway between my ears. I needed to give up any ideas of impostor syndrome when I was successful in the world of women. I could not be happy until I gave up all of the guilt. After all, I was not doing anything wrong when I just was attempting to leave my old male self behind and live as my authentic self. 

All of this leads me to the question, am I happy now and does a transgender happy place really exist. While I am satisfied with my life as it exists now, I still work at being happy. For me happiness will be a learned response I can blame my parents for and not a result of being transgender. In fact, more than a few of the moments I call gender euphoria (or happiness) came because of my gender journey. 

The problem with envisioning a life of not having gender issues is impossible for me because I have always lived with it and it was never a choice. So I am biased that a happy transgender place has been very difficult for me, I have partially lit the dark place between my ears and am constantly searching for more. 

The Glare

 

Image from Derek Story
on UnSplash

Last night for the first time in a very long time, I encountered the "Glare."

My wife Liz and I stopped at a fast food place to pick up hamburger sliders to take to her son's apartment for supper. As it turned out, the place was very busy and we needed to wait. Since the majority of the restaurant's business comes from the drive thru and we were ordering a large amount of food, we decided to go inside and order so we wouldn't hold up the drive thru line.

We soon found out coming inside didn't help us get our food any faster and we waited, waited and waited. Since my career was in the restaurant business and partially in fast food, I could see the crew was not loafing and trying their best to turn the orders out. So while the manager was being abused by others who called ahead, we waited patiently. 

While we waited, we did fill up our drink glasses from the self serve soft drink machine. Maybe I should have mentioned, I did not dress up at all for the occasion. wearing only leggings and a t-shirt with my hair pulled back and no makeup. So my expectations were low I would happen upon no one who would matter to me and I did not think I would be out of the car for any length of time anyhow. All was good until I turned around from the drink machine was confronted head on by the "Glare." All I saw across the mainly deserted dining room was this woman glaring at me. I met her glare and stared right back until she looked away. She never looked back, so I guess I won the battle of her wondering who I was at all. 

Then I began to think maybe her life was miserable to start with and here she was spending date night with her husband at a slider palace. Perhaps she was giving me that look because we were blocking her access to the drink machine. Whatever the case, we went on our separate ways. As I said, I hoped her evening would improve her disposition. However I knew the area of the county we were in and there are many many right winged rednecks, so I am always on my best behavior.

The sliders went to a good home at Liz's son's house and we watched a movie .

In other more positive news, I am awaiting news on my upcoming interview with a monthly state wide LGBTQ Ohio publication. It was set up by the Alzheimer's Association after they learned of my passion for quality elderly care especially when it comes to transgender patients. The interview went so well, the interviewer wanted to possibly interview my daughter also concerning her experiences with a transgender child. Since she is very private, I doubt if she follows through but we will see.

I also learned the date of the first LGBTQ support group meeting, it is August sixteenth and will be interesting how well attended it is. Sadly, previous meetings have been dominated by less than quiet transgender individuals. More than a few of them seemed to have mental issues which chased away some of the other gay or lesbian attendees. I am far from a trans elitist but I know when enough is enough when it comes to pointless conversation.  Or, at the least, the meetings exposed the differences in the so called close LGBTQ community when in fact we have little in common. You may ask why do I go?  I go to the support group meetings mainly out of curiosity to see if anything has changed, so again we shall see. Hope springs eternal. 

In the meantime, back to reality. Maybe someday my hope will spring eternal and I can go out into the public's eye without being but it is like my ex-sister in law who refused to leave the house without makeup. I should have learned from her and perhaps I wouldn't have to face the "Glare."

Legacy?

Messy Office, Messy Mind?

As I see it, leaving a legacy is mostly a male topic.

Little did I know, being a transgender woman was probably the only legacy I could leave with my only child (daughter) and my three grand-kids. As it turned out, I did not have much else to offer. Especially not the usual male attributes such as wealth, possessions etc. A prime example was my Dad who was a self made man. Building his own house and rising to the position of bank president, mainly with just a high school education. 

Along the way, I was surprised to learn one of my grand-kids is transgender, so all of a sudden I became a role model. A role I never thought I would have during all the years of struggle I went through as I transitioned from my old unwanted male life. It turned out in many ways, I proved to my grand-kids anything was possible if they wanted it bad enough. And I was fortunate in that my daughter accepted me the way she did and wanted to share my new self with the kids. So I could not run away and hide. 

I was so successful, I made it to heights I never asked for or ever thought I could achieve. Without a doubt the biggest one when two years ago I received my first Mother's Day card and gift. The card brought me to tears because it was something I never asked for. It meant to me I made it to the pinnacle of my gender transgender transition. 

Adding to my legacy is a year long project my daughter gifted me this Mother's Day from a company who takes questions about me from the family for the duration and then combines them all into a book. When it is completed, I will have had the chance to write about myself and maybe equally as important, is the fact the kids will have the chance to learn about their great grandparents who they did not know anything about. It is important for me to be some sort of a bridge from the "Greatest Generation" my parents were part of to the kids of today. The entire gift is quite the chance to explain my legacy to my daughter and grand-kids. Since I have a degree in history from college, the entire process is important to me.

Legacy was something I had given up on when I left my male life behind. I thought no one would care. When it turned out they did, I was impressed and needed to change my attitude completely. In a way, all of a sudden having family care about my life made me proud of my gender accomplishments.  I indeed would have a legacy as a transgender woman past just someone who changed their name in the family bibles. 

Years ago, a friend of mine did a deep dive family tree research on my families, mother and father and found we had a revolutionary war relative. Perhaps now in the future, after I am gone, some other person with gender issues will read my story and understand they are not the first, not alone and can be successful living the life they want to live. 

  

Transgender Confidence

From the Archives, banquet image.
My wife Liz on left.

One of the most important accessories we can chase as a transgender woman or trans man is confidence. Especially when success is never guaranteed. 

Finding confidence is often very difficult when you are crossing the gender border. You can succeed in the public's eye for awhile, only to crash and burn in a moment of weakness.  It turned out there were so many points to consider when you are transitioning. It's always one thing to appear as a woman and another to walk and talk as one. If you are familiar with the term "muscle memory", very simply means keep doing something until you get it right and it describes perfectly the process of entering the sacred spaces of a gender you only dreamed of. In my case, there were plenty of girl's nights out and rest room visits to provide me the confidence to keep moving forward and challenging myself. Another problem of sorts I had was experiencing too much gender euphoria. Many times, I forgot where I was and resorted back to my old male self without thinking of it. 

When I did fall back into my old male ways, I often thought the whole gender transition process I was in was never going to make it. Had I spent too many years working hard to make it in a male world to ever change. Another problem I had was I was still living part time as a man so everytime I had mastered any aspect of being feminine, I lost most of it when I went back to being a man. It was similar to a child in school who forgets most anything they learned during a summer break. It was very frustrating for me to keep starting from the beginning again and again which was shattering my confidence.

Finally I tipped the balance in my gender world where I was living more feminine than masculine. I could make real progress in what I really wanted to do which was follow my dream to live as a fulltime transgender woman.  Most importantly, I was feeling natural when I did it and the increased confidence followed. When I was invited into the so-called sacred women only spaces, I discovered why they were or weren't sacred at all. First of all, I knew women didn't always keep their restroom as pristine as men thought they did from all my years running restaurants/bars but, on the other hand was totally unprepared to have to look other women in the eye and speak when I was in the women's room. For the most part I was very successful except for the notable occasion when I had the police called on me. Naturally, my confidence was shattered for quite a while after that. On the other hand, there was no way I was going to go back to using the men's room when I was dressed as my authentic self.

When someone asks me how I developed the confidence to progress in my gender transition, the easiest thing I can say is, I had a single minded desire to keep trying until I made it. Sure the gender affirming hormones helped but I needed to go through therapy to earn them from the Veteran's Administration health care system. Which proved to be a positive experience for me. As I pointed out in yesterday's post, I kept working towards my dream until destiny showed me the way to success. Plus, I can never forget to point out, I had a small group of women around me who showed me the way. Even to the point of believing in me when I was faltering. They refused to believe I ever was the old male person I was desperately trying to leave behind. I guess you could say I had a tremendous peer group. 

It always took quite the effort to put him behind me and tears were shed along the way. To be on this journey you sometimes have to be selfish and one sided to make it but that is just the nature of the beast. When you do arrive, sometimes you are fortunate enough to forget the selfish days and pay your life's knowledge forward. 

It takes all the confidence you can muster to correct a gender situation you never asked for into a positive. With a little, or lot of willpower you can make it to your dream.   

Trans Girl Destiny

 

Image from
the JJ Hart
Archives.

When I was given the keys to a transgender existence, on occasion I have to pause and consider how I have arrived here.

Unlocking all the mysteries of crossing the gender border proved to be more than I could deal with on occasion but I kept on moving forward. Trying to find out what it meant to achieve my dream of living as a transgender woman. Finally I learned to relax and let destiny take it's course. Before I could even begin to relax, I needed to learn the new rules of the road.

The rules of being a woman were not easy to learn before I was accepted for admittance into the club. I discovered along the way there were more female privilege's other than having doors opened for me by men. One of the biggest ones was being allowed to communicate with other women on a mostly non confrontational-passive aggressive platform. Along the way, the lessons learned were brutal and I ended up walking away with many scratches or claw marks on my back. Primarily I found not to even try to look at or get close to a woman's man. It frustrated me because the man always made the first move and I had no real interest at all but none of it mattered to the other woman. Another mystery solved as I worked my way towards my transgender destiny. 

During the years in between my final solution to my gender issues, I was held back by many circumstances beyond my immediate control. I felt pressure to maintain my marriage of twenty five years and a job I was rapidly progressing in. To maintain my life, I tried to balance my existence between the two primary binary genders which only provided temporary relief and in some cases, even made it worse. When I became more successful in living as a trans woman, I felt so good and natural, I just wanted more and more. Which included no going back to my old male life which ironically I worked so hard to maintain. Destiny was trying to tell me eventually I would have to give it all up and start over but I could not find the courage to do it.

As I waited and waited for my chance to transition, I came to the point of no return. Magically, at the age of sixty destiny really came into play. First of all, I was to the point when I considered gender affirming hormones as the next huge move I could make concerning my chance to live as a full-time transgender woman. As I was considering the move, the Veteran's Administration suddenly announced they would now cover HRT as part of their health care for veterans. Which I happened to be a part of. The only hold up was I needed to see a therapist at the VA for an approval. I still remember how nervous I was the first time I went to see my therapist and after a second visit, I had my approval for my life changing hormones. 

It was around this time too, my second wife had passed away. Leaving me very much on my own to consider any gender decisions. My choice as clear and impactful as destiny was showing me the way forward and leave my ill-fated dual gender life behind and live as a transgender woman. When I did, I found I had other major decisions to make such as the possibility of undergoing major gender realignment surgeries. I decided against it for several reasons such as I did not have any insurance to cover it and the VA in those days was not covering SRS at all. Similar to Medicare covering breast augmentation or facial femininization surgeries. I am not sure how much any of those entities support those surgeries to this day, so don't quote me on it. The only aspect I decided on was my gender was between my ears and not my legs and those closest to me viewed me as a woman. So I had achieved my goal.

I can't forget the final part of my transition life which destiny played an important role was the financial part. Since age wise I was so close to being able to retire early on social security, I could sell my vintage items on the side and make enough to go ahead and retire. Which meant I would not have to worry about doing a gender transition when I was working. 

So, I had secured my big three aspects of my transition so I had no real reason not to pursue my transgender dreams. Destiny worked for me.

Major Gender Differences

 

Image from Jamie'
on UnSplash

From the outside looking in, many see transgender women and trans men merely as people who have decided to dress different.

As I was applying my estradiol patches this morning, I thought how different the entire process is when you decide to come out into the world as your authentic self, be it as a woman or a man. It is the same process as when you transition from being a cross dresser to being a full fledged transgender person. For me, finding my gender destination was a long term process. I write often concerning the years of transforming myself into the feminine person I always knew I should have been my entire life. 

What I did not understand for the longest time, I was joining a whole new culture when I transitioned. No longer could I bluster my way through a world filled with white male privilege. I needed to strike out on my own to find out what living in a woman's world was all about. I learned quickly, I knew very little about it and what I did know was usually wrong. I kept feeling stuck until I could work it all out. Was I even doing the right thing trying to cross the gender border. Plus, what was I going to do about those who did not want me crossing the border at all. Fortunately, I learned fairly quickly most of the world did not care what I wanted to do one way or another and most of the public I was interacting with were in a financial situation when I essentially was paying their salary. Either from a commission at a clothing store or from a tip in a food or bar venue. Either way, being friendly worked wonders in my transition. 

Very quickly, people began to see me as a new person. A person I wanted them to see which caused me to add major differences of changes to my life. A prime example was how was I going to suddenly attempt to talk to the world as a transgender woman. The whole communication process was similar to starting all over again when I first explored the world. At first I was petrified to talk at all until I tried to mimic the women around me. The problem was if I didn't talk, I was coming off as mean or stand-offish.  I needed to solve the problem and solve it fast if I was going to survive in the world as a transgender woman. I needed the voice to match my appearance the best I could. It was a major gender difference I always put off pursuing because I was so obsessed with my appearance. One of my favorite accessories was my sunglasses which helped me watch the public's perception of me without them seeing mine. I could better judge if my appearance was making the grade. Which I hoped was a passing score. 

Naturally, the more progress I was able to attain in the world as a trans woman, the more confidence I had to try more living. Again and again, outside of a few ill advised trips to red-neck venues, I was able to stay out of the gay bars and make my way through the world. I had fun in the lesbian and sports bars I was accepted in and was learning more and more about myself. To be sure, seeking a place in the world of women was never easy and I needed to earn it. I worked long and hard to learn from my mistakes in public and go back to the drawing board when I needed to. Finally, I reached a point where I could put the drawing board away and make it on my own.

Validation as my new feminine self then became a priority if I was going to keep living as a transgender woman. I attribute my lesbian friends with giving me the guidance I needed to succeed, They showed I did not need a man to validate me and my sexuality did not have to change to live as I was. All important lessons I needed to learn if I valued my independence in a new world. 

Learning gender differences meant so much more than looks was very inciteful to me.  All the catch phrases such as walking the walk and muscle memory come to mind when it came to my transition. I had such a long way to go to separate myself from a very convincing male life, there were many times I did not see how I could make it,

To do it, I needed to attempt to study all things feminine until I got it right and when I did keep doing it until practice made perfect. Then and only then was I able to move forward on my very long gender path.

Saving my Life

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

I write often concerning my struggles with my frail mental health. Mainly because I want to help others. 

Much of my mental health battle was because of my struggle with gender dysphoria. After meeting in person with other transgender women and men, I have come to the conclusion dysphoria is on a spectrum. Similar to so many other human issues it can vary from person to person. Years ago, I was shocked at one of the transgender - cross dresser support meetings I attended back then and got into a discussion about gender dysphoria with the group's moderator about how she had never experienced any dysphoria at all. At first I wondered if we were speaking the same language and did she know what I was talking about at all .I never had the chance to find out because the meeting moved on.

Through it all, I knew I had suffered on the severe end of the dysphoria spectrum for as long as I could remember. The only way I could relieve the stress was to cross dress in my limited feminine makeup and wardrobe. The entire process turned to be a terrible problem because I would feel good for a couple of days after I cross dressed then crashed and burned into depression and worse yet, being mean to those around me. 

Finally, therapy entered my life and I learned several truths very quickly. The first of which was my first two therapists had little to no idea of what I was talking about when I brought up being a transvestite, as we were known back in those days. The second thing I learned was my first two therapists totally missed any idea of diagnosing me as being Bi-Polar. It took me going to a real live gender therapist to learn my bad highs and lows had little or nothing with my gender issues. They were totally separate and somehow, someway I would need to find away to deal with them on my own. Then when I was lucky enough to be assigned to a very good LGBTQ trained Veterans Association therapist for over ten years, she helped me to relieve any shame I still felt about wanting to be female. Which was huge.

Good therapy meant better mental health when I learned to actually listen and believe in what my therapist was telling me. In the past, I was too stubborn to do so and kept my feminine self firmly in the mirror, until I could not take it any longer. I simply had to try my best to enter the world as a novice transgender woman and see how I felt. Long story short, I felt great, natural and so excited to try out the world. 

The whole process, saved my life. My mental health stabilized to a point I did not need therapy anymore. Mainly because I became a believer in my dominant female self who was hidden away for far too long. There was no one to tell me I was a woman trying desperately to get by cross dressing in a male world. It would have been interesting to see if I had would have listened if they had. I was always very stubborn which helped me when I was being rejected as a novice transgender woman. Or when I was down, I just kept moving. On the other hand my stubborn attitude caused me to hang on to my male life way too long. 

One thing was for sure, conquering the severe part of my gender dysphoria did save my life. I am down now to fighting my mirror when I get up in the morning, which I can handle I stay grounded in the fact I am not as ugly as the man I used to be and not the prettiest woman in the room. I am just me and that will have to do.

Damn it is Complicated

 

Image from Amanda Dalbjorn
on UnSplash

Crossing the gender border is never easy for the average human being. 

To begin with, you need to be very serious concerning your gender passion. You need to trust your instincts, close your eyes and leap. I took over fifty years before I could come to the point of being able to trust myself. After all, I had spent all of the time as a very serious cross dresser exploring the world to see if I could survive as a transgender woman. Some times I was good about making plans, sometimes I was not. As I took the good with the bad. Ultimately, taking the good with the bad, just walking a path I knew very little about. 

As I walked my new path, there were several points of reference along the way. Such as the mixers I was attending in nearby Columbus, Ohio. Many were big and more than a couple were very small and intimate. Regardless I learned from both and how internally complicated they were. All layers under the so called transgender umbrella attended one or the other. Everyone from seasoned transsexuals to very novice cross dressers often out for the first time in their lives away from the mirror. Through it all, I was trying just to find my way to discovering who I really was. All I did finally learn was I did not fit the mold of a stereotypical transsexual or a weekend cross dresser. I was somewhere in between. I found I was not everyone's cup of tea, I enjoyed being my own. 

Examples were everywhere, including the guys who cross dressed for certain mixers but not for others all the way to the impossibly feminine transgender women who made their appearance. I was drawn to the feminized crowd but often I was left out because of my looks. I had a long way to go with my appearance but I was trying hard. With the help of a professional makeup artist provided by the group one night, I learned the intricacies of applying makeup and could really help me because he explained everything to me. Thanks to his magic, I was able to move up in the eyes of the transgender or transsexual crowd. Even still, mainly because they shunned most of the rest of the average cross dressers, I stayed to myself. Except when the trans women went out to other gay venues after the regular mixers were over. When I did so, I was exposed to a whole new world of exposure in the world in my own transgender universe. 

As I did, my life became increasingly complicated. I needed to overcome inner clashes with my genders as well as trying to deal with the problems of dealing with my second wife who was against any idea I was transgender. The major problem, every bit of my self was telling me being feminine was the only way I could survive. All of my turmoil just led to more stress to my already fragile mental health. I ended up in therapy again, which did some good but were for the most part wasted because I refused to face the truth about myself. My authentic self was feminine and I needed to express it. The only thing therapy did was make my wife think somehow it was going to magically "cure" me or at the least, I was trying to help the situation. Which at the time was growing into a major problem between us.

When I first looked into the mirror as a kid so many years ago, little did I know how complicated my life would become as I grew into my gender issues. My gender path was so convoluted as I followed it, I often became lost. The only aspect which kept me going was the deep down knowledge I had been born to be a girl. Dealing with it was always the issue.

It's All in the Eyes

Sad Eyes
Image from
the Archives.

Over the years, my eyes have helped me out in many ways.

Of course there is the obvious reason such as the blessing of eyesight but then, life steps in- very importantly for a cross dresser or transgender woman trying her best to improve her makeup art. For me at least, the hardest part of conquering the mystery of makeup  involved making up my eyes. At the time, I equated it with applying paint to the plastic model  cars I was fond of building because I struggled with both. Ironically, at the age I was at, I am fairly sure my Mom would have did her best to forbid any use of makeup at all by the daughter she never knew she had. 

Still I persisted and grew more proficient with buying then applying my eye makeup, The availability of all the colors fascinated me. Along with the chance to match colors up with my limited fashion choices I was capable of finding. It was close as I could come to all the girls around me who I admired so much. 

Fast forwarding many years, my eyes continued to be a focal point in my makeup art. I had learned along the way women communicate through the eyes in many ways. Much more than men who rely on vocal cues. I knew as I transitioned into transgender woman, I was on the right path with my makeup techniques. All the years I put into my art was worth it.

Perhaps the most rewarding feedback I received from my eyes came from my wife Liz. For all the wrong reasons. We met on line when she responded to a post I listed as woman seeking woman. Keep in mind I immediately pointed out I was a transgender woman. Thankfully, none of my gender issue mattered to Liz and she said she was attracted to me because I had sad eyes. If the truth be known, during that part of my life, I did have sad eyes. Over the past two or three years before the picture, I had just gone through very dark portions of my life. Primarily due to death of my second wife and four of my closest friends, mainly to cancer. Along with the loss of my business, I had lost nearly all the self confidence I had ever had in myself. In fact, the only concrete thing I had to grasp onto was my identity as a trans woman. 

Regardless of my sad eyes, my girl self became my deepest passion. In many ways, just to get by, I needed to become a deeper researcher of women. Instead of becoming my father's son which I had chased for many years, I became my mother's daughter she never wanted, to my knowledge. The gender guilt I felt was only grief with no where to go. 

Led by my eyes when I communicated with other women, I found my way out of the darkness of life I was in and regained my confidence. Even though it was a different confidence than I had ever felt before. My confidence as a transgender woman was a hard earned quality which went all the way back to the days when I was struggling with makeup and shaving my legs when I was a kid. Living and learning was always an exciting experience. Even in the days when I was a dismal failure in the world. Somehow, deep down, I knew I was doing the right thing by pursuing a life as a trans woman. 

It was always in the eyes, I just had to learn how to use mine. They were such an important part of my life when it came to communicating with other women. Perhaps it is true when it is said your eyes are the window to the soul.