It's Complicated

 

Transgender Image 
from UnSsplash

As I transitioned, my overall life process became so much more complicated.

Fortunately during most of the time I did not receive many questions concerning my gender. It's not that I would have not answered most of the questions, even if anyone asked. It turned out the most sensitive question I do dislike is have I had any surgeries "down there". In fact, I reported a rude nurse during a mammogram I had asking the exact same question. It was certainly none of her business.

What also became very complicated was my life as a whole. The more I found I could live a life as a transgender woman, the more I wanted to pursue it. When I did, I ran head on into several major problems. The first of which was my second wife. As I write about often, she and I were married for twenty five years before she passed away. In addition she knew from the beginning I was a transvestite or cross dresser and my cross dressing initially had no bearing on our marriage. When I wanted to take my life a huge step forward and begin hormone replacement therapy, she drew the line. In no way did she want to live with another woman. As I began to be that other woman, our life together became very complicated and many huge fights happened.

The second main issue I faced was with my male self. He was rapidly seeing his life fade away and wanted to hang on as long as he could. Sooner more than later, the scales tipped and when I was still in my male role, I felt as if I was cross dressing as a man. At this point I was in an extra complicated relationship with the two most important people in my life...my wife and myself. In other words, two women fighting for my life. I was under intense pressure to make a decision on what I was going to do. I ended up attempting to live separately between the two major binary genders. I was torn completely on what my final decision would be.

At this point is when destiny stepped in and helped to make my decision for me.  When my wife passed away, there was really no one to tell me not to transition. From then on,  I had to begin to rely upon myself to make the final decisions on what I would live my life as. Continue as a man or explore the possibility of living as a transgender woman. It turned out I was soon helped along by a new set of accepting cis-woman friends I encountered along the way when I was out trying to enjoy myself. Through my powers of observation, I was able to sit back and learn more of what it meant to live a feminine life. We went to all kinds of places from LGBTQA Pride celebrations to lesbian mixers to women's roller derby matches. I had a good time and learned so much. Mainly that I did not need a man to validate myself as a transgender woman.

Very quickly when I decided to leave my male life behind, I knew very quickly I had made the right decision. It seemed as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. From that point forward to the present day, my life has been remarkably uncomplicated once I faced my gender issues.  

Stages

Image from the
Jessie Hart Collection.

 Our topic today in my Veterans Administration group concerns the trials and tribulations of coming out, or letting others in to our authentic selves.

When I think back to my process of letting others in to me, I have a tendency to just zero in on two people, my daughter (only child) and my only sibling, a brother. To make a long story short, my daughter was very accepting and my brother was the opposite. In fact, I have not talked to him to this day. Sad but true. Overall, the real staging process came way before I came out or let some one in. 

In truth, I came out in stages when I experimented with testing the public as my novice feminine self. Thinking back, my first attempts at "showing off" came during Halloween parties. I started, predictably enough, with trying to dress as sexy as I could and telling everyone my "costume" was a prostitute. Over the years of trying, I slowly evolved into just trying to present well enough at the parties for others to think I was a cis-woman. As even that worked for me, it was time to consider my next move or stage I was going to.

What I decided on was I couldn't stand to wait another year to be in the public's eye as whatever label you wanted to attach to me. Cross dresser, transvestite, or even novice transgender woman were all possibilities What really mattered was I was finally beginning to adjust to living in a new gender world I had only dreamed of. Once I made it to one stage, I always thought I could make it to another. I was successful in doing the grocery shopping all the way for shopping for the Christmas gifts I was going to give away. As my new self. It was as scary as it was exciting.

It turned out the more stages I was successful on, the more I needed to be. Which led me on a collision course with my old worn out male life. Even though I was fairly successful living as a man, he could tell his time on my stage was coming to an end and did not appreciate it. It was around this time also when I hit the darkest time of my life. In the several years when my second wife passed away, I also lost nearly all of my very few male friends I had to death also. I was extremely lonely and turned to my feminine self to fill the void. I would cross dress to blend and go out to treat myself to a drink in one of the venues I had become a regular in. Since I really wasn't seeking companionship, I guess you could say I was going out to be alone.

Through it all, this stage of my life proved to me I could live as a transgender woman. All the other stages of my life all of a sudden became clear and I knew all the years of living on a male stage had been mostly a waste of time. The main thing that wasn't was the birth of my very supportive daughter. Which I would never have achieved if I wasn't on the male stage. 

Today, I won't have a very long time to explain the slow route I took to letting others into my true self.  Hopefully, writing about the process ahead of time makes it clearer to others.

Moving Parts

 

Image from the Paris 
Photographer on
Unsplash.

During my life watching how cis women move has been one of my favorite activities.

One thing is for sure, I knew from the interactions I had with other male type persons I dealt with, I was not alone. I will not go into the comments I heard from the guys. But once I began to leave the mirror world I was in as a cross dressing transvestite, I knew putting the image into motion would not be easy. I had no real idea of how women managed to do so many things with their body as they moved. They seemed to have so many more moving parts than men.

When I first started my path to living fulltime as a transgender woman, I found myself overcompensating. I was concentrating too much trying to move like a woman. I was overdoing it. It was about this time I tried to practice at times even when I was cross dressed as a man. Later in the evenings I went to big box stores which were mostly deserted to practice my walk. I probably attracted the attention of several security guards watching me on their hidden cameras but that was it. Once I started to relax, I was able to attempt moving as a woman to higher standards.

Back in those days, I usually wore  high heels when I went out. So negotiating the world in them was a challenge in itself. I think I did fairly well, except for a few highly publicized instances which I have written about here. Sidewalks with cracks became a challenge as well as large ventilation grates which I learned the hard way to avoid. I think just being in heels added a certain amount of feminine power to my presentation as well as helping the shape of my legs. Sadly, as I aged my ankles did also. All those years of walking concrete floors in restaurants as well as a few old football injuries made wearing heels impossible for me and I needed to learn to put together my feminine moving parts all over again.

These days, I think much of the cis woman world has caught up to me as I rarely see any women wear heels where I live. I estimate at the business professional Alzheimer's breakfast  meeting I went to, only two or three women were wearing heels. All of that is  here or there and since I have known for years transgender women have to try harder to prove themselves, I wonder what the world would be like for me again if I was able to wear heels. Would wearing them call unwanted attention to me? 

On certain days too, my mobility issues do their best to get the best of me. So moving at all takes precedence over stressing over feminine movements. As fall comes closer with it's cooler temperatures I plan on beginning my daily walks again which should help my overall health. In my own small way I will be able to work on my moving parts again. Before I need to increase my stamina to walk in to the hospital for my upcoming mammogram which I still have to schedule.

As with anything else in life, cis women lead a more challenging layered lifestyle than men as they are the high maintenance gender. It makes sense feminine moving parts are no different as the total gender package comes together. Yet another challenge for the transgender woman. . 

Pushing Trans Boundaries

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Collection.. Back drop, the Ohio
River

Along the way, as the years went by I began to really push many of the transgender boundaries I faced.

A primary example was when I thought I had conquered one of my goals, such as my feminine presentation, I set a new goal. Often I went to different places and/or venues to see if I presented well enough to be accepted as a transgender woman. After malls and clothing stores became too easy for me, I expanded to stopping at restaurants to eat. Which in turn forced me into more one on one communications with complete strangers. I pushed the boundaries past just routine chit-chat eventually into full fledged conversations. I learned the hard way not to worry so much about how my voice was sounding and begin to consider more and more what I was saying. 

For a while it seemed, the challenges I was facing in those years were becoming overwhelming as I pushed my gender boundaries even further. Another major jump occurred when I decided to stop going to the so-called safe spaces which were the gay venues I was going to. I finally decided if I was going to feel like an outcast, I might as well do it in a venue I felt more comfortable in. I began to go to upscale sports bars and restaurants with many televisions and cold draft beer which I enjoyed. Since I stood out from the crowd for being transgender, I minded my own business and tipped well ,so in most places I became a regular fairly easily. On occasion, I still pushed too hard and ended up getting kicked out of a couple places I shouldn't have been in to start with. Lessons were learned.

Slowly but surely the process finally did become a blur. I made new friends and was beginning to thrive in my dream life of being a transgender woman. The biggest remaining problem I had at the time was I was still married. At that point my second wife and I had been together for nearly twenty five years. From the beginning she knew I was a transvestite or cross dresser and didn't really have any problems with it. However, when any discussion at all came up about the possibility of going further and beginning hormone replacement therapy, she drew the line.  Any time I tried to push the boundary farther, the more she resisted.  In many ways it was similar to the rock meeting the irresistible force and it was ugly. More precisely though, I had started the catfight of all catfights between my wife and my inner feminine soul who had finally been able to sample life in the world. Once she had seen the daylight, there was no way my feminine self wanted to give it up. From there, destiny took over.

When my second wife passed away, it didn't take long for my inner woman to take over. She pushed hard and became the dominant force in my life. Quickly it became evident she had known the path to take my entire life. She began to push my transgender boundaries until my life became meaningful again. My male self faded away. 

Transgender Safe Spaces

Image from Nicole Herrero
 on Unsplash

Yesterday was the annual picnic I have written about in the past. It was hosted by the transgender-transvestite-cross dresser group I am a member of here in Cincinnati.

Again this year, we were blessed with a wonderful summer afternoon. Attendance was good also, with a nice mixture of younger transgender women, mixed in a few trans men as well as older attendees such as myself. The group provided hamburgers and hot dogs and the rest of the food came from a "pot-luck" where everybody brings something. So there was plenty to eat including a special shout out to Wendy for her "world famous" cheesecake. Even my wife Liz and I "forgot" our diet to have a piece and it lived up to it's billing.

What also lived up to it's billing was the safe space atmosphere of the picnic. The group reserved a very nice shelter house and short speeches were given by a new group of members who traveled the distance to the state capital of Columbus, Ohio. To fight the bigoted legislators attempting to pass anti-transgender legislation. It was refreshing to see so many younger faces fighting for our rights. 

My main point is, the picnic provided a safe space for the transgender community locally to express itself. Everyone could come, relax and enjoy themselves. Exactly what the world "should" be like for us. In addition, the picnic showed us what could be if we are just left to live without any interference. 

Along the way in life, often transgender women and trans men are able to find and enjoy other space spaces. In my past, for example, after I got over my initial panic of going, the several girl's nights out I went to ended up being safe spaces for me. I was able to relax and live and learn from the experiences. I am fortunate too in that I normally have my wife Liz with me when I am out in the world. In essence she provides an interference when people attempt to zero in on me. Often I think the worst than can happen is when we hold hands in public. I think some people may have a problem with two women holding hands. However, not having another hand to hold was the biggest thing I missed when my second wife of twenty five years passed away. So I am enjoying it while I can.

Also, events such as the picnic provide various levels of acceptance for younger members who need to see older trans people who have lived their authentic lives for years. In doing so, we provide a distinct pathway to the future. In many senses we become sort of a legacy member. While the younger members are picketing the state house, other's of us such as I are becoming part of diversity committee's. Anything is possible often if we slowly try to show the world who we really are. 

At my age, for many reason's I need to take a slower path and in the meantime wait for my second piece of Wendy's cheesecake.

A Problem or Opportunity

Image from Elisa Ventur on 
UnSplash

Over the years I spent too much time wondering the how's or whys of how I needed to carry my considerable gender dysphoria with me. 

It seemed the cruel truth was the more I thought I solved my problems, the more I discovered there were so many more to worry about. Examples are many. Once I became polished enough in my feminine presentation, the more I explored other frontiers which led me to other problems. You may get the idea I was in a vicious circle I struggled to get out of/. As I was able to get my high heeled foot through the door as a transgender woman, then I needed to figure out a way to communicate with the world. What about my voice? More importantly what was I saying when I tried to say it. I found (often the hard way) cis women communicate on many layers include non verbal eye cues. I was saved several dangerous or messy situations with men simply because a staff member gave me a certain look or glance to stay away from him.

At times at seemed I was overwhelmed by the amount of gender problems I was creating for myself. The whole experience was at once very terrifying and at the same time so exciting. In other words, I was turning my problems into opportunities. I was finally following my ultimate dream, to see if I could indeed live a life as a fulltime transgender woman. The opportunities took over and the problems began to fade away.

All of it required a concerted effort to pull my entire new feminine image together. A static image in a mirror or a picture was one thing but putting it all in motion was another. I'm sure we all remember the first times we attempted to walk in heels. It was difficult for me to not look like a linebacker in heels when I first began to venture out in public as a novice cross dresser or transvestite. Of course I made my share of mistakes such as wedging my heels in sidewalk cracks all the way to totally falling. Luckily all which was injured was my pride. 

Eventually I arrived at the point where I had much more opportunity than problems. I was beginning to experience much more opportunity as I began to put a totally new transgender person together. I was out of the mirror and letting the world in. For better or for worse. In the meantime, destiny took over and I was adopted by several special cis-women friends. They helped me through several of my final biggest problems. I was able to turn the problems into opportunities by sheer observation. I was used to watching women as a lifetime obsession so the whole process was normal for me. The main difference was, for a change, they included me as an equal in their world. 

Now I feel my main opportunities come from writing about my transgender experiences. All the way to increasing my volunteer time with organizations such as the Alzheimer's Association. Plus, I have a goal also to eventually become more involved again in the transgender-transvestite/cross dresser group I have been a member of for years. 

Perhaps, the term opportunity can be changed to fulfillment. 

Come On In!

Image from A Zuhri

 I mentioned this comment briefly in yesterday's post. Recently, in my newest Veteran's Administration LGBTQA+ group session. The moderator brought up a new concept, instead of coming out, in reality we transgender folk are inviting others in.

This is a fairly radical idea when you take into consideration all the anti-transgender legislation which has been unleashed upon us by a certain political party not called the Democrats. Even still. the entire idea has a positive ring to it. Imagine having the comfort level (and/or confidence) to invite friends and family in to share your deepest darkest secret. The inner secret you have carried around your entire life. I know when I came out to others for the first time, I was in some sort of a gender free fall. In essence I had been stripped of all my old male reactions to any adversity. I needed to learned quickly the different gender path I would need to take to survive.

Truth be known, cis-women have known the alternate path for years. Often, in their own way, the women said to others come on in and then they needed to sort out the fall out from there. It doesn't really matter because in everyone's life, we have to sadly face it's ups and downs. Relationships of course are included. My coming out example was very unpleasant in it's own way. It happened way back when I talked my first fiancé into dressing me head to toe as a woman. Then proceeded to still do it weeks and months later. She eventually held it against me when Uncle Sam and the military draft came a knocking when I graduated from college. She fully expected me to try to escape serving by telling the world I was gay. Which was wrong. I knew I was learning how much I didn't want to be a man but I wasn't sure I wanted to change my sexuality.

The entire series of events turned out to be an extremely beneficial  part of my life. My fiancé and I broke up and I moved on to serving three years in the Army. Ironically, the first people who I ever invited into my gender world occurred after a Halloween party I went to when I was serving in Germany. The woman who eventually ended up being my first wife and mother of my daughter essentially met me there at the party. So she was one of the few I let in. Ultimately, one of the biggest success stories of my life.

Even though I thought I was fighting the best I could letting anybody in, in truth I was pressuring myself to come out. All the Halloween parties I went too in my feminine "costume" just served notice how badly I wanted to let others in. During the parties, I  secretly rejoiced when anyone else told me how convincing I was. Later on, I pushed the gender envelope even farther by leaving the house during the day fully cross dressed as a woman. Putting everything I knew in life into jeopardy. Deep down I wanted to be caught.

Finally the whole intricate process came tumbling down. Call it what you want coming out, or letting in. It had to happen before the gender ripping and tearing nearly killed me. 

  

Serendipity

 First of all, maybe a little definition to the serendipity word would help this post. 

From an on line dictionary I read from, it defined the word as "The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way. " Today I was able to put my gender dysphoria aside and experience gender serendipity. The chance occasion came when I went with my wife Liz to her Doctor's appointment. For the occasion I chose one of my newer summer lightweight tank tops. It is tie died with a big peace sign and the slogan , Every little thing gonna be alright. For once we took a picture. Completing the casual outfit was a pair of jeans and my new tennis shoes. Nothing too fancy for the Doc's and the heat. 

The fun part came when when went into the office and a man held the door open for us. He was wearing a nice The Ohio State University polo shirt so Liz said "Go Buckeyes!" He responded with "O.H" and I said "I.O." From there on we were off to a good morning.

The best part to me was being totally ignored by all the waiting people in the office. It didn't matter, I was essentially invisible. Not transgender for a change. Just me and it felt good. Kids and all ignored me. It felt so good to put my gender dysphoria behind me and just live my life. 

While I am on the subject of current events, in yesterday's Veterans Administration  LGBTQA+ group meeting, I learned a relevant idea which in the future I will be writing about more. In essence, the subject came up of how and who we came out to first. The moderator pointed out maybe we should think of the process different. To the point of not coming out, it's who we are letting in. Or more serendipity with one's self.

Also coming up this weekend, is the transgender-transvestite or cross dresser group I am part of' annual summer picnic. Fortunately, the heat dome which is torturing most of the country is going to back off for the day and we will have high's in the mid 80's. At the least, if the affair is as well attended as it was last year, we will be able to see many old acquaintances we haven't seen in a while. 

I need to enjoy this brief respite from my mirror induced gender dysphoria. One never knows when it will flair up again. It shouldn't for the picnic since most of the attendees have known me for awhile and we can enjoy the company.   

I don't ever say it enough but thanks to all of you who read my blog posts regularly. You are the ones who make the process so worthwhile!

Gender Dysphoria

 

/Image from UnSplash

The confusion suffered when a person has a problem deciding which gender they are is often a cruel lifetime curse.

After all these years of living a reasonably successful life as a fulltime transgender woman, when I look in the mirror in the morning and really anytime, I still see a man looking back at me on occasion. Surely my hormone replacement therapy (or whatever it is called today) has aided in my transition but the problem just won't seem to go away.

It is about this time, when I am becoming discouraged concerning my appearance, I look at the reality of the situation. Which is, at the age of seventy three, there will be little more than I can do to insure the world sees me in a more feminine way. All those years of testosterone took it's toll. I do know also I could consider facial femininization surgery but the cost and pain just wouldn't be worth it. So, by my own choice I am stuck with what I see in the mirror.

Not too long ago I was watching one of my guilty pleasure reality talk shows when the host had on a beautiful transgender woman. Along the way during the interview she told the world she was thinking of having facial surgery which amazed the host and I. When he asked why, she said she still saw her old male self when she looked in the mirror. Sad but true.

It is my understanding too that growing up transgender does not automatically guarantee you will have suffered from any gender dysphoria at all. I found out the hard way years ago when I went to one of my transgender-transvestite support group meetings. I brought up my gender dysphoria issues and was quickly told by the moderator she had never suffered from the problem at all. She later went on to completing a gender realignment surgery so I have often wondered one of two things. The first, did she change her mind or two, did she even know what the term meant. Regardless, I learned my lesson and did not bring it up again. 

Regardless, I needed to find away to deal with my own gender dysphoria. After years of turmoil. I finally decided I didn't look as bad as a transgender woman or as good as the mirror sometimes told me I did. I just tried my best, as any cis woman does (on occasion) to look her best when she goes out into the public's eye. Presenting privilege's are so difficult to come by for any transgender person who is attempting to cross the gender border. Think of it this way, there are many cis-women who struggle to have any presenting privilege at all and supposedly the women had the benefit of growing up female. 

I am sure I will take my own gender dysphoria with me to my grave. My biggest paranoia is the dysphoria will not helped along by any assisted care facility I may find myself in.