Destiny as a Transgender Person

 

Image from Abbas Tehrani 

Throughout our lives transgender women as well as trans men suffer from everything from intense anxiety to full out gender dysphoria. 

Along the way we never consider none of being transgender was ever our fault. We were destined to be this way. Also, history tells us transgender people have been around since the beginning of time, so no whatever pressures society in some areas put upon us will not work. The transgender tribe will find a way to survive. How is the question for many of us locked in our dark and very lonely gender closets. If you are similar to me, I started by hiding my cross dressing from the world and then slowly expanding out into the world. Slowly but surely I was leaving my old boring male life behind as I was following my life's destinies. 

I can't say much of the process was ever easy because I was so entrenched in attempting to live a macho male life. Through it all, I kept trying to refine my femininity until I finally was able to blend in and exist in the world as a transgender woman. 

What I never factored in my life I was facing was I never had a choice to begin with. Every now and then, I write about the possibility of my Mom being on the "DES"" medication which was routinely prescribed to mothers who had the problem of poor pregnancies' which often resulted in mis-carriages and still births. My Mom suffered through three still births before I came along.  My research into "DES" says it was a synthetic form of estrogen which was later banned because it caused cancer in young girls and women. In addition, the medication was prescribed between 1940 and 1971 and I was born in 1949.  So, the question remains for transgender women is was the extra estrogen prescribed to our mothers while we were in her womb contribute to our gender issues later in life.   

As my life went by, I was fortunate in that I was able to barely satisfy my desires to explore the world as a transgender woman . Even when I reached the suicidal depths I suffered, a little voice kept telling me to keep trying and learning because everything was going to be alright. And it was. 

All of a sudden, the years of gender rejection turned around. Often for all the worst reasons. Within a couple years time nearly all of my small group of friends passed away including my second wife of twenty five years. By this time, I was mostly alone in the world as I was faced with rebuilding my life. The negative was I had to do it at all but the positive was I could do it as my long neglected feminine self. She seized the opportunity and never looked back.  In addition, she was helped along by the new acceptance of VA (Veterans Administration) of transgender veterans. All of a sudden I had access to relatively inexpensive care for my hormone replacement therapy. 

It seemed all the long closed gender doors were opening for me. Destiny was calling and all I needed to do was seize the opportunity. I couldn't believe it was all finally happening.  

Boundaries

Photo from the
Jessie Hart
Archive

 Throughout the journey I undertook to live as a fulltime transgender woman I faced living with many boundaries. 

The earliest boundary I faced was learning how to dress and makeup myself to present well as my feminine self. As most of us know, just learning the art of makeup is daunting enough. Not to mention the time effort and money it takes to acquire and wear a new women's wardrobe. Believe me, the process involved more error than trial until I finally began to get the process right. Problems included not dressing for my age and body shape. In other words, I certainly wasn't the teenaged girl I was trying to look like. Predictably my early experimentations did not work because of my testosterone ravaged body and I just ended up subjecting myself to ridicule by the public. Learning my boundaries of how to present as a woman were difficult to learn but I did become fairly proficient in the ways of dressing to flatter my body style (the best I could) as well as learning through practice better makeup routines. 

Along the way, my personality entered in when I considered the boundaries I faced when I was a serious cross dresser or transvestite. By nature, I always had pushed the boundaries of any thing I attempted. Once I thought I could do something above average, it was never good enough and I had to try to make it better. My whole attitude came from my parents pushing me along in life. I learned the hard way, nothing was ever good enough. 

The whole process pushed me into going places I shouldn't have attempted as a novice transgender woman. Once I rejected going to the so-called "safe" gay venues, any other venue became fair game. Even though many times I was just going there to just see if I was presenting well enough to do it. The process led me to my well publicized times when I was formally asked to leave venues I shouldn't have tried to be in-in the first place. Once I learned what my venue boundaries were, most of my problems went away. Once I was able to dress the part and knew where to go, I was able for once to enjoy the process of living as a transgender woman away from the mirror in the world. 

Just about the time I was becoming a little too satisfied with my progress in the world as my authentic self, I began to meet and gain friends. By doing so, I was able to progress farther and faster as a woman than I ever thought possible. I was able to watch and learn from them and just happened to have a wonderful time doing it. At the same time my friends were in essence were shielding me from potentially negative gender responses from the public, at the same time they were providing me a platform to learn and exist as a feminine person. I was enjoying the best of both worlds as I had the finest on the job training I could find.

By the time I had completed my on the job training as a transgender woman, I was ready to cast my boundaries aside and live my dream.  

More Hormonal Results

 

Image from Kareya Saleh
on UnSplash 

As I look back on my most recent posts, I discovered I left out one of my major changes when I started hormone replacement therapy.

The other major difference I left out was how the world around me started to appear. All around me, everything seemed to suddenly soften. All of it occurred at the same time the angles in my face were beginning to soften also, so perhaps the whole picture was a part of a bigger outcome. And the larger outcome was clear, the minimal (at that time) dosages of estradiol were working and I indeed was becoming more feminine. So quickly in fact, I was forced to change my timetable to when I planned on coming out to the world as a transgender woman. 

The in between step which unexpectedly took place was how quickly my overall appearance began to change. I went from a macho guy to androgynous person faster than I ever imagined. When I did, I began to consider when I was going to tell what was left of my family about my plans to complete a MtF gender transition. Since my parents had long since passed on, as well as other key individuals in my life, my "to tell" list was relatively small. 

I started with my daughter which turned out to be easy as well as a huge success. Her only comment was why was she the last to know. In fact, she was close to being the first to know since her Mother only knew me as a cross dresser or transvestite and her Step-Mother fought me every inch when and if I ever suggested I was transgender. So the topic was rarely if not ever brought up. My daughter's ultimate reaction was she wanted to take me out shopping which I declined since I already had a growing feminine wardrobe or treat me to a visit to her upscale hair spa for a makeover when my hair became long enough. Which turned out to fit perfectly in for me as a birthday gift. 

Just when I thought everything was going to be easy with my transgender coming out process, here comes my brother (only) and his family to ruin everything. After telling him I was trans, my invitation to the family Thanksgiving dinner was revoked. It especially hurt because my second wife used to single handily feed an increasingly large family for years on her own and here I was being shut out for wanting to live as my authentic self on the holiday. Since that time, now over ten years ago, we haven't spoken since. Even still, I was fortunate in that my daughter's family (including in laws) and my wife Liz's family have filled the void. I did not need or ever miss my brother's support anyway.

My body seemingly took to hormone replacement therapy as if it should have been on the new hormones all along. Destiny was on my side. It was a shame I needed to wait all the years I did to finally go through the gender change. Since all the time I used up as a male wasn't all bad, I was able to experience much in life while at the same time I obsessed on experiencing everything a hormonal change could do for me. The whole process helped usher me into a softer gentler more beautiful inner world.   

Father's Day

 

Image from Derek Thompson on
Unsplash

This year Father's Day marks a milestone for me. As some of you regulars may remember, Mother's Day this year marked the first time ever I received a Mother's Day gift and card from my only child, a daughter who obviously is very supportive. I need to point out receiving anything remotely tying me into being a mother was totally a surprise.  Or, I didn't ask for it. But, I did shed a tear when it happened. 

Now, on to my Dad. In essence he was long on being a provider and short on providing any sort of emotion. I can't remember him ever saying he loved me although I know he did. 

My Dad was a product of the great Depression and World War II. He was in many ways the image of a self made man and I was in awe of his accomplishments. My Dad rose from very humble beginnings to building his own house and rising to the position of a bank vice president. Since I was there when he mercifully regained his dignity and passed on after suffering from Dementia, I wish I was able to tell him how much I loved him and was proud of the life he had lived. Being a product of his world, I wasn't able to.

Now I regret I never tried to come out to my Dad. My excuse is I didn't know myself what I was back in those days other than a cross dresser or transvestite. Bottom line was I never wanted to face his rejection.

It has taken me many years to do it but now I have reached a point of understanding where my parents were coming from when they raised me. Knowledge of what being transgender was all about was lacking to all of us.

To honor my Mom, I adopted her first name as my legal middle name and finally have come to the point of being able to say I love you Dad and thanks for raising me the best you could and yes it was you I feared disappointing the most when I failed and did something wrong. Coming out as transgender just wasn't wrong.  

 

The Power of Estrogen

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

On occasion when I apply my dosage of Estradiol  patches, I pause to consider the effects on my body. Since I have been on hormone replacement therapy for years now, I take many of the changes for granted. Which I know I never should. I never know when my health may deteriorate and I may have to discontinue HRT. 

To begin with, I was one of the fortunate transgender individuals who at my age (early 60's) had passed the health screenings so I could begin wholesale changes to my body. Little did I know my body would just be the beginning to the changes I would experience.  Before you begin to think this is going to be another post about the usual effects of HRT, it is not. The usual effects happened relatively quickly for me, my hair and breasts grew, my skin softened and my selfish desire to be able to present well as a transgender woman was achieved  Reasons for the quick changes could have been I already had a higher level of natural estrogen in my body (which I never had checked) or most likely was my age which would have signaled a decrease in my testosterone anyhow.

What I didn't realize my brief gender euphoria I achieved would be short lived. Quickly I experienced new emotional highs and lows while at the same time I was going through the second major gender puberty in my life. I will never forget the first time I went through hormone induced hot flashes and I thought I was going to internally combust. Emotional changes included being able to cry for the first time in my life, for any number of reasons. An example was the sunset I was watching on my porch when an approaching small thunderstorm approached. For no apparent reason I began to softly cry. I think I cried because I was losing what remained of my old male self. Before I was unable to cry for even my closest family members when they passed away.

In no time at all, the emotions of beginning my new hormonal journey far outpaced the outward physical changes which occurred.  One of the changes which occurred was when my bodies' thermostat was effectively destroyed. Before hormones, similar to any other macho guy, I didn't really put much belief into when a woman told me she was cold. When I became cold all the time, I became that woman. My cis woman friends back then just told me welcome to their world. Little did they know. their world was the place I so badly wanted to experience. All the way to changing my hormonal gender levels through medication. 

I know also, many transgender women for health reasons can not undertake HRT and have never missed it. Perhaps they always had a higher natural estrogen level to begin with or are living proof gender comes from between the ears, not between the legs. 

In all cases too, socialization needs to be considered when we consider what makes a woman or a man. Socialization is so important when someone makes it (or doesn't)  In other words, some females or males never make it to the level of being women or men. For whatever reason, their life's journey is interrupted. 

Most importantly to me, estrogen took the hard edge of testosterone off of me. More than my hair, breasts and hips, my internal peace of who I had became was the new focus of my life. I was mellowed out by my new hormonal self induced (and doctor) monitored levels. Once I started the process I never needed to look back. As you can tell, HRT to me was much more than the physical results.   

It's a Phase?

Image from Samuel Regan Assante 
on UnSplash

 Years ago I became enamored with the idea my cross dressing was just a phase and perhaps someday I would grow out of it. Of course I never did and here we are as I live a life as a fulltime transgender woman. 

I think that even though my Mom never mentioned anything about her clothes being worn or her makeup being used, she most likely thought (or hoped) I was going through some sort of a phase. There is no way I can't believe I was as good as I thought I was hiding my "hobby" from her. Especially when I began to acquire my very own hard earned small wardrobe of feminine clothes and makeup. Even though this phase of my life was just the beginning, it did teach me the lengths of effort I would have to go to to hide my true self from everyone.  I needed to try extra hard to at least participate in male activities such as  sports to cover how I really felt about my life.

It turned out, my early years were a phase after all. The years turned out to be a learning process when I learned the basics of not surviving in a mirror and being able to venture out in the world for the first time as a woman. Very quickly I learned the more I ventured out, the more natural I felt for the first time in my life. A new phase of my life was just beginning. I was loving my successful experiences in a feminine world. 

The next phase of my life was attempting to being able to fully play in the girl's sandbox. I felt I had earned the right due to so many different situations I encountered as I went about my MtF gender transition. All the way from being asked to leave certain venues to being totally accepted and being embraced for being a regular guest. I even considered I was welcomed for the extra diversity I added to the venue. Sadly, I will never know for sure why. I can only know I was.

At this point, my phases of life became a little blurred because they were coming so fast. All of a sudden I gained friends who included me in their circles. I was invited to everything from lesbian mixers, all the way to women's roller derby. Each invitation added to my understanding of a world I so badly wanted to enter. Most importantly, I needed the opportunity to be rounded out as the new feminine person I was becoming. The process was never easy but I had much needed friends help me. 

It took awhile to realize the largest phase I was going through was when I was trying my hardest to survive and prosper in a male world. I needed to act like I enjoyed the BB Gun I received for Christmas instead of the doll baby I really wanted as well as acting as if I enjoyed going hunting with my Dad and younger brother. It wasn't to be until later in life when I learned how successful I had been in covering myself as a macho male. Certain people were totally surprised when I came out and transitioned into the transgender world. I guess I was too successful in my hiding phase when I was younger.

Everybody's life  includes phases, transgender or not. It just seem our trans life's have more intense phases as we attempt very difficult transitions. Often at the risk of losing everything. We can only hope new phases bring balance to our life as well as a chance to move forward. Often out of our dark lonely closets. 

No Assumptions

Liz on Left, Daughter on Right from
the Jessie Hart Collection 

Yesterday I was out and about as I went with my wife Liz to her doctors appointment. Since I had been there several times before, I assumed nothing would be much different and for the most part I would be invisible. In other words, I would be able to blend in with the world.

Except for an unexpected encounter with a delivery driver, nothing much did change. Once again I exchanged pleasantries on the weather with the very nice greeter/directions woman at the door while I waited for Liz to get signed in. I say nice because she normally says you ladies have a good day. Which is always music to my ears. The delivery driver was much different when he seemed genuinely shocked when we came face to face when he was picking up his hand truck to unload. Before he had a chance to react one way or another any further, the elevator door opened and away we went. So I never had the chance to see if he would have had any further reactions to meeting a real live transgender woman face to face. My assumption was he wouldn't.

The rest of the visit consisted of me being mainly ignored which was my assumption all along anyhow. I was satisfied with the fact I was able to blend in with the world. After all, I was just wearing a pair of jeans and my tie-dyed tank top with a peace sign and the slogan "Every Little Thing Gonna' Be Alright". Once again, a throw back to my old hippie/boho days. I love the way the tank top gently hugs my developing curves and shows off what I have worked so hard to earn with the help of my hormone replacement therapy. 

The only other personal contact of the day came later with the pizza delivery man. We have a very regular place we get delivery from and always request (and tip well) a certain driver when we can get him. Since he has seen me several times before without any makeup at all, I was happy for him to see me with a light application of eye makeup and lipstick which was essentially left over from our earlier trip out. As I assumed there was no extra feedback from him. He was pleasant and on his way. 

All in all, these days, assumptions are difficult to make with all the rising anti-transgender hate in the world which will extend sooner or later into the entire LGBTQ community. To counteract all of the possible hate, I try to act as if nothing at all is wrong with me. Which it isn't. In addition, I dress to blend and try to go to safe places. Even doing all of that, I still am always on guard for the person who may negatively question my right to gender freedoms as a transgender woman. 

To do all that I can, I was reached out to yesterday concerning the possibility of me participating on a local Alzheimer's board here in Cincinnati. I said I was interested for a couple of reasons. The first is I feel I need to become more active in the community again since I am beginning to feel better and secondly my Dad passed away from a very ugly battle with Dementia. I'm sure he would want me to get involved however I could to help. At least, it's my assumption. 

Assumptions are difficult anyway you look at them. Once you think you know something for sure, something comes along to change your mind. Hopefully for the better. 

Can't Means Won't

Image from Moritz
Mentgez on Unplash 

Often when I read someone say they can't transition, it means they won't. 

I most likely remember hearing a saying similar to that way back in my days when I was playing sports and a coach quoted it to me when I wanted to quit. On the other hand, there are many reasons someone deep in their closet can't transition. I am not putting myself up on any sort of pedestal because I spent so many years trying to decide if and when I could complete a MtF transgender transition. 

My first big roadblock was attempting to improve my presentation to the point where I could blend in on even a minimal basis in the public's eye. Once I began to basically be successful, I began to be encouraged to the point I may be able to live out a life long dream of living as a woman. Little did I know that just trying my best to look like a woman would be just the beginning, There turned out to be so many other twists and turns in my journey which I often write about here. Many times along the way when I considered thinking I can't do that, it was a sure sign I couldn't. 

Perhaps my biggest roadblock which may have turned out to be a positive was the twenty five year long relationship I had with my second wife. She was the wife who passed away without ever accepting my desire to transition into a transgender lifestyle. For all the wrong reasons I ended up sneaking around behind her back and tried to explore more and more if I could indeed live as a woman. The positive was the entire process I was caught up in as a very serious transvestite or cross dresser taught me very explicitly what I would be facing if indeed I decided to transition. Each time I entered the feminine world it seemed I learned a new and important lesson. Primarily when I needed to communicate with another person (primarily women), I discovered why men and women have such a difficult time understanding each other. If men are from Mars and women from Venus, I turned out to be some sort of a space traveler in between. 

Through it all, my basic desire to keep going kept me pursuing my feminine gender dreams. Similar to being told I could never have a job working for the American Forces Radio and Television Service when I needed to serve my military duty, I found a way around the obstacles and was successful. I did manage to serve out my three years in the Army working for AFRTS. For once in my life by pushing forward against the odds, I felt I could be successful.

Can't meaning won't didn't work for me either in several ways. Immediately, when I started to seriously transition, I began to diet and took off nearly fifty pounds. In essence, I was doing what any woman would do to look as good as I could. In addition, for several years previous, I was taking extra care of my skin which helped also. I again, similar to any other woman, was doing my best to work with what I had. If I was still going to travel between Mars and Venus, I was going to try to make the journey as easy as possible.

No matter how hard I tried, I kept running up against obstacles such as family acceptance and employment. My brother and his family were completely lost to me when I finally transitioned and started hormone replacement therapy but I was fortunate when my only child (a daughter) completely accepted me. As far as employment went, I was close enough to retirement age to go ahead and retire. Suddenly, the gender doors which I had been knocking at all those years opened and my life changed. 

The reality of my situation was  when I listened to my high school coach who said "Can't means won't" I learned he was right. What he never said was how long it might take to happen. We never know what the future may bring.       

Finding New Friends

 

Image from Dave Goudreau
on UnSplash

In an extension of yesterday's post, I promised to write another post explaining how I found a complete new circle of close friends as a transgender woman.

As it turned out, going out to be alone resulted in me being embraced by several other cis women I met in person in the venues I became a regular in. The first came when I was approached by a bar tender who was always very kind to me and treated me with respect. One night she asked me if I would consider meeting her lesbian mother for a drink. Without hesitation I said yes  and a friendship was formed which continues to this day. Her name is Kim and she is the person who included me in a small group of family and friends who went one night to a NFL Monday Night Football game. Of course during that time, I was still fairly new to going out in the world as a transgender woman and this would be a major undertaking.  Attempting to blend in and enjoy an entire pro-football game with my ill fitting wig was going to be a challenge and I was terrified I would be spotted and harassed by another drunk fan. But I wasn't and the game went off without any big problems. In fact, the only big one was my team was defeated and I had to accept it as the new woman I was. The whole experience will go down as one of the major coming out points of my gender journey. Proving once again to me I was much more than a casual cross dresser or transvestite and quite possibly learn to live full time as a transgender woman. Kim's kindness will forever be appreciated.

The second of three lesbian cis women I met was Nikki. In the years that have gone by, she has been off social media and I have lost contact with her. We met (similar to Kim) in a venue I was a regular in. One night when I was doing my usual being alone, Nikki came in to pick up a to-go food order. While she was there she glanced down the bar at me and sent a message down to me. Sadly, I don't remember now what the message said but we ended up meeting and drinking together for several years afterward. Usually, Kim, Nikki and I would meet somewhere and watch sports or just talk. Plus, Nikki is the person who got me involved in going to Lesbian mixers with her and Kim. Since I had support, usually the mixers were a good time and as always I learned a lot.  One night I was even asked to be a "wing person" and was asked to summon my courage and ask another woman to respond to Nikki's desire to know her. I thought, I only live once, so why not.

The third woman I met came from an on-line dating site. Of course I needed to work my way through tons of rejections and trashy people before I stumbled upon a big winner. To expand my experience and the possibility of finding someone I always told the truth about being transgender, To change it all up, I would sometimes go on the women seeking women page and on occasion reverse it to men. One day I received a response from a nearby person who lived in Cincinnati, Ohio. This all happened nearly twelve years ago and the woman who contacted me was my current wife Liz. To this day, she is very open to anyone who is interested that she picked me up because I had "sad eyes." From there we started to write each other after work daily until I had enough courage for her to hear my voice over the phone. Finally we decided to meet in person when I asked her out to a drag show which was happening at a venue nearly halfway between where we both lived. To make a long story short, we enjoyed ourselves and have been together ever since. Plus we were just married last October. 

Along the way, I felt my success in being able to locate and keep the relationships I did came from me going full circle in life. My good times made up for the extreme low points I felt when I was so lonely and confused due to my gender dysphoria. To this day, I am never shy of giving the new friends I found the credit they deserve for helping me with my intense MtF gender transition.