Now What?

 

Image from JJ Hart

As I cautiously discovered I could make it in the world as a transgender woman, rapidly I kept coming to the conclusion of now what.

How would I face a whole new life without the old male standbys to fall back on. I had taken the time and effort to build a family, friends and a fairly successful job which I had to possibly give up. Naturally, I spent hours, days and weeks trying to figure out what I would do once I entered fulltime transgender womanhood. I had long since passed the point of just being satisfied with existing as a part-time cross dresser. 

Ironically, every time I was successful in public as a novice trans woman, I wondered now what I  have I done and what was next in my life. The problem was, I had several major roadblocks which were looming in my life, such as helping to care for aging parents and a spouse who was totally against me transitioning any further than I was. To diminish the impact of all the gender stress I was dealing with, I did what many males try to do and internalize all of my problems. Even though I was going out as much as I could as my authentic feminine self, the fact remained I would have to go back to my old unwanted male life sooner more than later. As Paula from the UK put it in response to a previous post:

"For me it was the depression that followed "putting Paula back in her box", each time I went back to being "him" it was like a bereavement, in the end it was bowing to the inevitable. Arguably transition was the most selfish thing I have done, but like so many others I was insufferable trying to maintain my male persona, in the end it wasn't so much choosing my feminine side as choosing life."

Similar to Paula, the entire transition process for me came down to life and death for me. Like so many other transgender women or trans men, I attempted suicide to relieve myself of the brutal gender related stress I was feeling. Fortunately now, I was unsuccessful and lived to write about the experience. In fact, it was one of the reasons I began to author a blog.  In order to help others. 

Perhaps you are wondering how now what worked following my attempt at self harm. I still was not smart enough to listen to my inner female and tried to purge my fairly extensive feminine wardrobe and makeup. It was during this time too, I began to notice my second wife's health was slipping badly and she would end up passing away at the age of fifty.

Then I really entered the now what part of my life. The door had suddenly opened for me to live my dream of living fulltime as a transgender woman. I followed my soul and began gender affirming hormones at the age of sixty and never looked back.

All the days of wondering now what were behind me. All the risks I took were with it as I began to happily live an authentic life. And, by the way, Paula thank you for the comment and thanks to all of you reading along. 

I Chose Me

 

Image from the JJ Hart archives.

In an extension of yesterday's post, I decided to explore how I chose my inner feminine soul over my forced male existence I was rebelling against.

Basically, the deciding factor came down to how natural I felt as I cross dressed in the very beginning of my gender path to freedom. Very early, I remember vividly how I so desperately wanted to be more than just a boy dressed as a girl in the mirror. I wanted to be the girl. Why did I have to put up with all the male problems I had so much a problem with. 

As I embarked down a very long path to having the courage to finally living as me, as I write about often, the longer I waited, the more baggage I needed to do away with. Often I was my own worst enemy when it came to having any success as a male as it seemed every male privilege I secured someday I would have to give it away. This extended to making any new friends. It was very difficult to be close to someone who may reject me when I set out to live a new life and let the old one go. 

At the many milestones I encountered on my gender path, deep down, I needed to choose me. Especially when I learned there would be more than one major transition I would have to take. My primary go to example was the momentous evening when I suddenly decided I was done with being a cross dresser. I wanted so much more. It was the night I went out to mingle with other professional women getting off work at a bar/restaurant by the mall I always went to. The whole process was basically a mental move, in that for the first time I was going out in my mind as a transgender woman trying to be the equal of any other woman I met. I wasn't a man at all.  It meant the world to me when I was successful and knew right then I could never go back on my journey. Somehow, someway, I just had to be me.

My main roadblock was my second wife who accepted me as a cross dresser but always drew the line at any suggestion of me being transgender. Especially when gender affirming hormones were brought up. She rightfully saw her man she married slipping away and wanted no part of it.

Unfortunately for both of us, I had gone too far to turn back on my dream of living as a transgender woman. I was following my path the best I could and did not want to go back. Choosing me, over the life I had was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. The pressure was on to make my choice and for the longest time, I tried my best to live a life in both the binary genders. Plus, it seemed when I thought I had life all figured out, more and more questions arose. Like what was I going to do about my sexuality was a big one. Was I going to pursue men or become a transgender lesbian. 

Once I made my decision, the rest was easy. The pressure was off and I was free to be the me I should have been all along. What a relief!

Trans Girl Preparedness

Image from Ben White
on UnSplash. 

Since it took me approximately fifty years to fully emerge as a transgender woman, I had plenty of time to prepare.

The challenge comes when we trans women or men need to begin from scratch. We did not benefit from a gender peer group such as other girls to have sleep over parties and experiment with makeup and clothes. No one to tell me I looked like a clown in drag. I learned I needed to resort to the mirror for help but sadly ran into problems when the mirror had the habit of lying to me. I could still look like a clown and the mirror would not tell me the truth.

What I did was go out to into the public's eye and receive an honest feedback on my appearance. In the beginning, the experience was brutal as I was met with stares and even laughter. Many times, I could not wait to go home to the safety of my own room to start over again. I kept thinking, regardless of all the negative feedback I was getting I could do better. For the first time in my life, I needed to decide what I wanted worse, to hide in my closet and not advance toward my dream of ever living a feminine life, or advance and begin the learn the basics of makeup art and fashion which at the least fit me. I found the entire process to be exceedingly difficult for me. 

Spoiler alert. I did learn the hard way what I needed to do to blend in with the rest of the women around me. It was a powerful lesson to learn when I found out how women ruled in their own worlds and how I could join in.  In the meantime, I was learning how to erase my male past and start over. To make matters worse, my male self naturally fought against the gender change to transgender womanhood he was facing. 

Through it all, I was naïve to think I was progressing towards my gender dreams. I thought that just doing my best to look like a woman was all I had to do. When I entered the wild and wonderful world of women, I was excited yet terrified of my future. After all, I was risking all of my male life as I had known it. What would become of my family, friends and income? To arrive at the point of knowing all my gender questions, I just had to be better prepared.

At that point, I started to go out into the world with a purpose to learn if I could make it as a transgender woman at all. Primary issues remained such as communication problems. Plus, I went the distance to try to stair step my way into an increasingly active public community. I purposely tried out more and more challenging situations. Away from the no challenge opportunities I was facing in clothing stores and malls. I even tried to avoid the book stores and antique malls I had become fond of but never presented any sort of a gender challenge to me. I needed to feel OK with who I was, where I was before I was able to move on. 

At the same time, my male life was successful and was pushing me to stay the same and not transition into a women's world even farther. All the struggle did was wreck my mental health. What I did not recognize yet was my feminine self was my dominate personality and needed to be freed. The harder she fought, the harder he fought. Finally, he gave up and I found a deep seated relief I had never known before.

Primarily, after all the time and effort I put into changing my exterior gender to what my inner self was always telling me, was the reason I felt better about my life. Sure, the gender affirming hormones I began to take made the transition easier also but bottom line, I was just prepared to do what came naturally and live it.  

Re-Approval

 

Bar Mitzvah image with wife Liz on left
and my daughter on right.   

In previous posts I have referred to my recent Thanksgiving trip to my daughter's in-laws. 

Fortunately the one hundred mile round trip went without issue and we even arrived just a bit early. For the first time in several years, there were several people there I did not know. For some reason, meeting new people is always a challenge to me. 

This Thanksgiving one of my hopes was my transgender grandchild and their partner would be at the dinner. They were (they is their preferred pronoun) and visiting with them was fun and interesting. It turns out they are just weeks in graduating from "The Ohio State University" with a degree in nuclear engineering. Most certainly, NOT a chip off the old block because I can barely add and subtract. On the other hand, I never set out to ever be a role model in the transgender world. It has been exceedingly beautiful to me to be a role model for my transgender grandchild. 

Also fun was when a group of women at the dinner gathered around me after they helped clean up. Being accepted in women's only spaces is always special. Of course much of the conversation revolves around children and my first wife was even in the group. Since everyone knew my daughter was in the group, there were very few questions of me. I was too busy just enjoying the feelings of acceptance around me. Which for whatever reason was missing in my earlier years of coming out. Very few people knew me before I transitioned and many of them were in the room where I was. 

It was a difficult time transitioning in front of my daughter's in laws but not as difficult as trying to come out to my ex-brothers right wing Baptist family. I was accepted so completely in my daughter's world and beyond, I was invited to stand up and speak before a crowd of people during another of my grandson's Bar-Mitzvah.  I was very nervous but did my best and again I was impressed with the acceptance I felt from the Jewish Temple where the event occurred.

All of this helped me develop who I wanted to be as a novice transgender woman. I thought I knew but until I did it, I did not really know all it would mean to me. I needed to go so far past just presenting as a woman the best I could all the way to creating a whole new person. When I did, most certainly, I had my ups and downs with the entire process and I needed all the acceptance I could find. Included was all the re-approval I could get. 

That re-approval came recently at our Thanksgiving dinner. As with so many other women, they don't know how much they have done with me to help me along. It meant so much to have the chance to  recharge myself for the future.  

Trans Girl at Black Friday

Woman Shopping on UnSplash.

As I advanced on my feminine path to transgender womanhood, at certain points I needed to do more and more traditional feminine activities which cemented my claim to be a trans woman.

One of those was joining all the women in the world who were out and about shopping for the bargains bright and early on "Black Friday" or the day after Thanksgiving. My second wife for years was part of the crowd and made sure she was one of the early shoppers. 

Of course, I always wondered what the attraction was to go out and battle all the crowds, except for saving a little bit of money. Finally,  many years of wanting to shop with my wife as another woman came to an end but suddenly, on the other hand, I had the chance to shop on "Black Friday" as a woman by myself. Along the way, my second wife became the assistant manager of a large bookstore and of course "Black Friday" was one of their biggest days. So, I knew in advance she would have to work and I arranged my schedule so I did not. 

On the morning of shopping, I was excited as I prepared myself for a morning I had only ever dreamed of. First I did all the shaving preparation, including face and legs. I needed to calm down before I dressed in my favorite bulky sweater along with my best denim skirt and comfortable flat walking shoes. Then I began the more crucial part of applying my makeup and wig after I had calmed down...somewhat. After I reached what I considered to be a good presentation which would blend in with all the other women shoppers I would encounter, I gathered my courage to leave the house and head to a nearby upscale mall which I was very familiar with.

Unbelievably, in a very crowded parking lot, I found a space close to one of the entrances. As I checked my makeup and hair for the final time, I thought back to all the times I wondered what it would be like to shop with the other women on "Black Friday" and here I was and into the mall I went. My initial reaction was one of calm because no one was watching me, they were on a mission to find the best bargains and complete their shopping lists to bother about a transgender woman in the crowd. 

Since I wasn't really there to shop anyhow, I just browsed a few stores and bought a few small gifts for my wife before my shopping came to an end. After all, I had accomplished my goal of experiencing "Black Friday" shopping up close and personal as my authentic self. It was another item I could check off of my transgender woman bucket list.

Time flew by and  I needed to be back home to change back into my old boring male clothes to go to work, I needed to bring my dream day to an end earlier than I liked. 

Possibly the biggest lesson I re-learned that exciting day was the power of blending in with the rest of the women around me. As long as I could accomplish looking similar to everyone else, I could present well enough to get by. My first Trans Girl at the "Black Friday" shopping experience was certainly worth it.

Happy Thanksgiving?

As I sit here watching the Macy's parade, it brings back all sorts of bittersweet memories. 

Looking back, Thanksgiving and Christmas were the two biggest days of the year for my second wife. She went all out for both, often feeding up to twenty people for Thanksgiving. Our door was never closed to anyone who needed a place to socialize and eat. The day also marked the beginning of a very serious stint of putting up all of her extensive decorations for the season. 

At the time, I took it all for granted and thought it would go on forever. As I grew older, I learned the hard way nothing lasts forever. I am fortunate in that I still have an extended family to celebrate  Thanksgiving with. If not for my daughter and my wife Liz, I would be joining no one for the holiday.

I used to have blood family with a brother. A decade ago I came out to my only brother and sister-in-law. I was naïve and thought I might receive the same positive reaction I had from my daughter. I was wrong and was told they did not want me at the family Thanksgiving Day dinner. Naturally, being  shunned  because I was coming out as my authentic self hurt me deeply. My brother and I have not spoken since. 

However to make up for it, I was invited to my daughter's in laws for the holiday. Plus I made up for the slight from my brother when I was invited to small get togethers in Liz's family when her Dad was still living. 

In the transgender world, sadly I am often not the example, as so many in our community have no family remaining to socialize with. Mainly because they were not accepted by their families. It is especially cruel when you have to remember times with the family by yourself.

On this Thanksgiving, I hope you have someone to socialize with. Even if it with a local LGBTQ organization. Many in our area often offer dinners you can participate in. 

Regardless, I hope you have a good turkey day!   

Trans Girl in a Wig Store

 

JJ Hart Blonde Look.

Perhaps I should say trans girl in as many wig stores as she could find. 

Once I arrived at the point where I could even afford a nice hairpiece, I was like a kid in a candy store. So many styles of wigs to choose from and so little time to try them all on. I wish I could say I quickly became better at the process of choosing my crowning glory. Sadly, similar to the rest of my outfits or fashion, I was going too trashy to blend in with the women in public. I was telling myself since I needed to overcome a large head and body, I needed large hair to do it.

Also, to find a wig store I had not been to, I needed to drive long distances. Primarily from my medium sized hometown which had no stores which specialized in wigs all the way to Dayton or even Cincinnati which had several. 

Once I made the trip, I needed to learn several of the shop owners were not really interested in how I presented in new hair but were very interested in how much I had to spend. The owners could not do much to direct me in the proper direction of what I needed to look better as a transgender woman. Being fair to them, my male ego was in the way, telling me how to choose because he thought I would look better. Many times, I ended up buying what I today call clown wigs which were guaranteed to get me recognized or clocked as a cross dressed man. The wigs were good for Halloween and not much else.

All in all, the choices were bewildering. I felt as if I was back in my beginning days in the makeup department when I was attempting to figure out what product I wanted to try. In the wig store, I had to choose a color of hair I wanted, style I wanted and even which hair I wanted, human or synthetic. The possibilities were endless. 

In the beginning, my default color was always red or auburn before I started to shift away to other shades. For years I rotated between dark colors and blond which became my favorite. I was enjoying the changes in my appearance until I needed to settle down into one look when people began to recognize me. No more changing my name with my wigs. Settling down was difficult but something I needed to do as I followed my path to transgender womanhood. 

Through the magic of gender affirming hormones and good genetics, I arrived at the point where I did not need to wear a wig at all. In fact, one of the best gifts I had ever received came from my daughter when she provided me with a visit to her own upscale beauty salon. Even though  the experience was terrifying at first, I ended up loving it and could not wait to go back. Almost immediately I understood why cis women spend so much time and money at their salon. 

Most certainly, I cannot overstate the importance of hair to our outfits and fashion as transgender women or cross dressers. Hair demands all the effort we put into it. 

Ditching Good for Better

 

JJ Hart with Ohio River.

As I made my way along my gender path, I was always looking to go from just good to better. 

I always wanted to present better as a girl my age all the way to moving like one and even doing my best to act like one. I did my best to be a keen observer of what the feminine gender around me was doing at all times.. If they were wearing mini-skirts, so should I was a prime example.

Sadly, I was hindered by my meager financial situation until I grew older and could afford more fancier accessories such as clothes and wigs. Even still, nothing was stopping me from pursuing my gender dreams of living as a woman. If only I could. That is where my path became more and more important. For example when I finally broke out of my closet and did all my own shopping, I learned the hard way what looked good on me and what did not. From there I could build on to my success and go from good to better.

I became especially good with my feminine business attire wardrobe. At thrift stores I managed to find a black pant's suit which paired nicely with heels or flats and my should length blond wig. I even had a wool full length coat to go with it for the winter time when I went shopping. For the warmer times of the year, I found a lime green business suit with a shorter skirt which I paired with pastel green opaque panty hose and matching kitten heels. I found I went from good to better either time of the year and presented relatively easier for the first time in my life. Gender euphoria at it's finest.

All of my fashion advances did not prepare me for face to face encounters with other women in the world. Chance encounters with store clerks were easy until I began to stop at restaurants to eat. I needed to order from a menu while at the same time doing my best to sound like another woman just having lunch away from her job. Until I gathered the confidence to practice it, the entire idea of talking like a woman was once of the most difficult things I had ever attempted.  I even went as far as going from good to better by taking vocal lessons to usher me into my transgender womanhood. 

I often think I inherited my drive to always do better from my parents. Nothing was ever good enough for them. If I had received a B in a class, why did not I get an A was the routine I grew up with. Imagine the irony my parents would have felt when they found I applied the same thought pattern to a gender issue they were very against. All I ever wanted was to be a woman, transgender or not and needed to work very hard to overcome my male bonds to do it. Plus I always felt if I was going to be successful as a transgender woman, I would have to try harder than the average woman to succeed. 

So along the way, I needed to not accept good and kept trying to achieve being better and better as a transgender woman. I wonder what my parents and my second wife would have thought of me now. Hopefully they would be happy for me, since I have arrived at the place I have always wanted to be in life. If I had done it sooner, I would have undoubtedly been an easier person to live with. 

The Second Time Around

 

Image from JJ Hart.

Not many humans have the opportunity to stop their life and begin again as a new person unless they are up to no good.

Perhaps it is one of the reasons so many people do not accept or try to understand the transgender community. Or then again, they are secretly jealous. Regardless, it is up to all trans women and trans men to attempt to live their second life to the fullest. 

Often, living a transgender life is easier said than done. We all have to remember all the opportunities in life we needed to give up to achieve our gender goals. Opportunities some take for granted who are not at risk of losing spouses, family or employment. I know in my case, any or all of the chances to lose everything was a very real deal. I was fortunate when I lived long enough to see destiny re-open closed doors in my life.

Following a very dark period of losing loved ones to death, just in time I was able to find others to fill the void as I was so very lonely. In many ways, I was a social creature and if possible I wanted to remain that way. Naturally, when I started my path into transgender womanhood, I needed to learn and perfect an entire new set of feminine social skills. It was all so very intimidating. Especially when so many women wanted to know more about me and what I was doing in their world. It was a shock to my system how different my world became so quickly. Gender learning became a priority over just going out to be by myself. 

Deep down I knew I had to learn from my first go around in life as a man and learn from it. Even though I was never a toxic male, there were instances of life I would like to have back. Such as the times when toxic males were attempting to have their way with women. What I did do was observe how women handled it which helped me out in the future. 

All in all, following several rough patches at the beginning of my new life, the second time around was exciting yet terrifying to me. Primarily because my inner feminine soul was just waiting to have her chance to take over my life. It turned out, she was not scared at all. It was my old male self who was frightened about losing his life as he knew it. 

The whole process set into motion a secure second time around in life for me. Being secure led me to a new found confidence in life I had never know before. At the age of sixty, I was able to begin gender affirming hormones and really kickstart my second time around. External changes to my body helped me to present better in the world and internal changes helped me to feel much more femininized than I had ever had before. 

Most certainly, the second time around for me opened my eyes to a life I only had dreamed of. Destiny allowed me to accomplish my dreams and all I needed to do was reach out and grab it.