I Chose Me

 

Image from the JJ Hart archives.

In an extension of yesterday's post, I decided to explore how I chose my inner feminine soul over my forced male existence I was rebelling against.

Basically, the deciding factor came down to how natural I felt as I cross dressed in the very beginning of my gender path to freedom. Very early, I remember vividly how I so desperately wanted to be more than just a boy dressed as a girl in the mirror. I wanted to be the girl. Why did I have to put up with all the male problems I had so much a problem with. 

As I embarked down a very long path to having the courage to finally living as me, as I write about often, the longer I waited, the more baggage I needed to do away with. Often I was my own worst enemy when it came to having any success as a male as it seemed every male privilege I secured someday I would have to give it away. This extended to making any new friends. It was very difficult to be close to someone who may reject me when I set out to live a new life and let the old one go. 

At the many milestones I encountered on my gender path, deep down, I needed to choose me. Especially when I learned there would be more than one major transition I would have to take. My primary go to example was the momentous evening when I suddenly decided I was done with being a cross dresser. I wanted so much more. It was the night I went out to mingle with other professional women getting off work at a bar/restaurant by the mall I always went to. The whole process was basically a mental move, in that for the first time I was going out in my mind as a transgender woman trying to be the equal of any other woman I met. I wasn't a man at all.  It meant the world to me when I was successful and knew right then I could never go back on my journey. Somehow, someway, I just had to be me.

My main roadblock was my second wife who accepted me as a cross dresser but always drew the line at any suggestion of me being transgender. Especially when gender affirming hormones were brought up. She rightfully saw her man she married slipping away and wanted no part of it.

Unfortunately for both of us, I had gone too far to turn back on my dream of living as a transgender woman. I was following my path the best I could and did not want to go back. Choosing me, over the life I had was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. The pressure was on to make my choice and for the longest time, I tried my best to live a life in both the binary genders. Plus, it seemed when I thought I had life all figured out, more and more questions arose. Like what was I going to do about my sexuality was a big one. Was I going to pursue men or become a transgender lesbian. 

Once I made my decision, the rest was easy. The pressure was off and I was free to be the me I should have been all along. What a relief!