Sex Versus Gender

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

One of the main problems a transgender person faces is the confusion we face in the world over the difference between sex and gender.

My easiest explanation to a "civilian" is sex is between the legs and gender is between the ears. It is the primary reason I chose not to undergo any serious gender realignment surgeries. I just didn't need any reinforcement from my body to reinforce what was my brain was already telling me. Even still, on occasion I have a difficult time explaining to the average person I am transgender but not gay. 

Some would say I was lucky to be able to experience my sexuality the way I did. Back in the day when I was exploring coming out as a trans woman, the trendy act to follow was to find a man you could be at his side so you could validate yourself as a woman. I know I felt the same way, all the way to having several dates with men. Including one transgender man. As I was seriously considering my sexuality at that point, I began to notice I was attracting much more attention from women than from men. Naturally, I was more at ease dealing with women due to a lifetime of experience, so the entire experience made my life easier and very much more fun. Plus I was never good at really having any close male friends in my life and I didn't have to start now. Perhaps the biggest factors I faced when I made women friends was they taught me tons of ideas on how to survive in their world.

Also what most "civilians" don't understand is, both gender and sex are on spectrums. Even though they refuse to admit it, very few individuals are totally straight or gay and fall into a middle point. With new understandings of the gender spectrum we have discovered new terms such as "gender fluid" or "non-binary" humans. It all makes perfect sense for the transgender women or trans men who don't feel completely as one gender or the other on any given day. The whole process makes it very difficult for the people who simplistically attempt to put everyone into neat little  gender corners. The old square peg in the square hole theory. It is basically too complex for many to understand

Since I had never really experienced any sort of a sexual spark when it came to my dealings with men, I was fortunate when I transitioned. Even though there were the men I mentioned dating, I didn't really have any sexual feelings towards them. Plus the hormone replacement therapy I was under, effectively reduced any sexual drive I used to have to the bare minimum.  So if I ever did have to become sexually active again, I would have to get creative. To the point, I even had one female acquaintance tell me I better get a banana to practice. I didn't have to because I never became that close to having a male friend.

On the other hand, I cherished the time I spent with my women friends. They helped me blossom into the person I am today. Speaking of cherish, my days of being sexually active as a man helped to reproduce my daughter whom I love very much and made the time of gender torment I was going through so worth it. It turned out I was on the gender spectrum as a woman and fought it all the way and I never had much choice as far as the sex aspect happened. I never had to really experience the fact I wasn't into men and my sex versus gender was far apart.

 

Working with the Public

 

Image from Brooke Cagle
on UnSsplash

This week I have had several occasions to do a bit of out reach in the community.

One was a meeting I went to for the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's Association. I serve on the diversity council and yesterday was my second meeting. During the meeting I told them I was able to write an article for the support group (transgender and cross dresser) concerning my activities on the diversity council. Plus, I also invited any other interested members in the group a chance to participate. And, to increase the reach of my blog, I am sharing one post a month to the group's membership publication.  

During the meeting yesterday I was surprised with the question of just exactly what was the function of the support group I am representing. Since I was caught off guard, I needed to explain to civilians the group provided a connection for transgender women and men as well as cross dressers who are mostly in the closet. I tried to condense my reply so that everyone could understand. In the process, I also used an example from my own family about a recent encounter I had with an VA insurance sales person.

It all started during a virtual meeting with the representative who never questioned my gender. By not outing myself as transgender, I unknowingly set her up for failure when she overstepped her boundaries and called my daughter because she is named as a beneficiary. In my defense, I saw no reason for her to call her at all but she did. The problem arose when the insurance person referred to me as "he" twice. For insurance purposes, since I have had no surgeries, I still am a "he" but not to my daughter. My daughter is especially sensitive to gender pronouns because she has a transgender child of her own and is a fierce ally. What eventually happened was I called the woman and asked her what exactly was she doing calling my daughter anyhow and I was transgender. Naturally, since she is trying to sell me something, she profusely apologized and maybe learned a gender lesson. 

For the group, I tried to keep my explanation brief and impactful so they could understand a little of the family dynamics which can extend into elderly care. Especially when it comes to Alzheimer's. I have been reassured the larger group has guidelines for treatment of the LGBT community but as we all know, the "T" can get lost in the overall shuffle. So maybe I can be a voice in the darkness for change.

The other outreach meeting I have this week is meeting six of my Veterans Administration group virtual LGBTQ get together. Once you join, participation is mandatory and is for the entire LGBT community so we have the full range of individuals from transgender to gay men to lesbian women. It makes for an interesting discussion at times when we all discover we share many of the same problems when it comes to dealing with the public and the VA. 

My overall goal of participating in both groups is to improve my outreach skills and do a very small part to help us all.

It's all In the Preparation

 

Anniversary Selfie from the
Jessie Hart Archives

Anyway you slice it, crossing the gender border to your authentic self is a huge task which takes a ton of work.

First of all you have to attempt to solve the problem of securing and applying makeup and clothes.  When I started I couldn't even paint my model cars well let alone my face. More times than not I ended up looking like a clown. It took me so long to be able to take my own meager funds and then sneak out to a store to buy my own cosmetics. The whole process was one of the scariest moments of my young life. To this day, I don't know how I pulled it off with my Dad working just  a block down the street. But I did and managed to learn the preparation needed to much later on leave my closet and join the world as a transgender woman. Of course with my wardrobe, again the same was true. I needed to mix and match whatever clothing items I could to do the best I could until I could afford to do better.

Perhaps two of the most beneficial things I did to further my transition was to take care of my skin and lose weight. Little did I realize, when I completed my daily hated shaving, I was actually helping my outward appearance, including when I applied a moisturizer when I did it. I am a believer it all helped when I began my hormone replacement therapy and my skin started to naturally soften anyhow. It was similar to going through puberty again. Just reversed from when I did I as a male growing up. The harsh, hated angles I acquired started to soften which made it so much easier for me to present to the world as a transgender woman.

The other main thing I did to further my male to female gender transition was to lose weight. In fact, I was able to lose nearly fifty pounds when I began to seriously attempt to the public's eye and begin to seriously go out. Of course it made finding and wearing fashionable clothes easer to find. It turned out, it was all in the preparation as I shopped for just the right accessory to go with just the right outfit. Fairly quickly, I faced the problem of over dressing the other women around me and needed to be careful if I wanted to blend in and not cause too much attention to me. Because, even with losing the weight, I still was a fairly large bodied woman and needed to do my best to present around the fact I had been subjected to testosterone poisoning in my past. 

Through it all, I learned again what I already knew. Being a woman meant joining the high maintenance gender and everything I thought I knew about being feminine had to be re-learned. A fact my second wife tried to tell me when what was left of my stubborn male ego wouldn't listen to her. When she told me I made a terrible woman, she wasn't talking about my appearance. Which turned out to be very difficult in one sense yet was the easiest  part of my transition in another. 

Often I wonder what it would have been like if I had had the opportunity to grow up as my chosen gender. To have had the peer pressure to look and act a certain way. More than likely, the grass would not have been as green as I think it would have been. Mainly because I think my Mom would have put increased pressure on me to conform to her world. Whatever the case, I think preparation would have been the key. Having more of it at an early age would have certainly helped.

The Final Payment Became Due

Image from Blake Wisz 
On UnSplash

For fifty plus years I put off the inevitable, I was born to be a woman. 

I put it off for years by making partial payments to allow my male self to exist. Slowly but surely my gender currency ran out and I needed to make a change before the process killed me. As I made payments, I needed to decide (or try to) just exactly what it was I paying for. Similar to so many, I spent years believing I was engaged in a harmless past-time of just wanting to look like a girl. All along, deep down, I knew the process wasn't working because the problem was never solved. I would dress in front of the mirror and for a couple of days following, I would be satisfied with myself but then the satisfaction began to fade and life became hell for me again and again. My natural response was to keep making payments to put off the truth of my gender aspirations.

After awhile, even I learned how to better my appearance so I could escape my dark lonely gender closet and explore the world. In many ways, during this time, I considered myself a very serious cross dresser or transvestite. There was no way possible I was just innocently pursuing being a feminine person. I was going all out to get my money's worth by starting to interact with the public. In fact, I was beginning to feel as if I would be more comfortable labeling myself as transgender since I was making all the payments. 

It was about this time when I started to scrape together all of inner collateral I could find to take bigger and bigger chances in the world. I began to go to straight and lesbian bars and left the so called safe gay venues behind. By doing so, I met a whole new set of surprisingly accepting people I could associate with. In other words, I was getting my money's worth and I wanted more and more. To do so, I needed to become increasingly creative on how I spent my time. So, I began to do activities  such as Christmas shopping as well as doing a portion of the grocery shopping for the house. Any thing to experience more of the world as my authentic self. 

Through it all, I could finally see the end to all my gender payments. Several friends who I mention often helped me build confidence in myself. And sadly when my wife passed away, the main obstacle to transitioning into a full time transgender woman was put behind me. Even still, seeing the possibility of making the final payment was not an easy one to consider. I had worked too long to succeed in a male world for it to be cast aside easily. 

Finally, the powers to be said no more payments and with considerable help, I made the final gender leap of faith. Out went the old unwanted male clothes and I set out to take what I learned and make the most of the process. It was at once exciting as well as terrifying but I made it. All in all, the final payment was a relief when it was due.  

Day Dreamer

 

Recent PicNic. Liz on Right.

Throughout all the years of my life, I wish I could reclaim just a small portion of the time I lost day dreaming of my gender issues.

Of course I am referring to are the times when I zoned out of my reality into a world where I left my unwanted male world behind and live as a female. I vividly remember having a complete crush on the girls who sat around me during study halls in junior high as well as high school. I never had a sexual crush, I really wanted to be them. During the years which followed, my feelings towards women never really changed until I married and began to have a differing view of women after observing them close up. I found in many ways, women and men face similar challenges. Just on different stages. 

Through it all, I wanted to still be feminine and spent plenty of time thinking and worrying about the process. During the Vietnam War era, I was jealous of women since they couldn't be drafted into the military which was probably my peak of wanting to be a female. For awhile, during the rigors of going through Army Basic Training, I was able to briefly escape the even stronger stresses of living with gender problems. I say briefly,  because it wasn't very long until my old gender issues returned. In fact, one of my best day dreams was to reappear in front of my fiancé who ditched me just before I was to leave to join the military. In the worst way, I wanted to come back in a new car looking better than she did. Revenge would be sweet but it never came. You might say, as I grew into my authentic self, I moved past her altogether. 

It ended up requiring nearly a total male to female gender transition for me to mostly completely lose being a day dreamer. The more issues and even problems I encountered as a transgender woman taught me I didn't have to day dream about the transition process any longer. As I said, it is important to note not all the day dreams I felt turned out to be good. I ended up living through too many negative life experiences which for the most part revolved around my new appearance and where I tried to do in my new life. Perhaps one of the main lessons I learned was women were always on stage. Men admired them from one angle while other women did also for totally different reasons. It was quite the learning process and robbed me of any extra time I had to day dream.

Sadly, we only have one life to live and I can't go back and reclaim any of the time and energy I lost when I was a novice transgender woman. On the other hand, the experiences I gained from my life could not be traded for anything I could have ever expected. Now my day dream problem has been reversed so I don't live too much in the past.  

Normalcy is for the Weak

 

Image from Joshua Rawson
Harris on UnSplash

Growing up, my expectations from "Greatest Generation" era parents were to fit into the square peg to square hole example. 

To me, it meant being a "normal" boy. Loving sports and playing in the woods next door. The only problem of course was I didn't want anything to do with much of anything associated with being a male. For years and years, I just thought I was not normal as I was sure there couldn't be anyone else who felt the same way I did. 

Ironically, for the shortest period of time, I did encounter a friend in my tweener years who very much leaned towards to being a serious cross dresser or transvestite as it was known back then. Before our experimentations into his Mom's wardrobe and makeup progressed too far, he moved far away. I was left once again thinking I was the only one into being feminine. 

As I went through life, I felt I was never "normal" primarily because of my gender dysphoria which I knew I had long before the term transgender was ever used. The farther I progressed however, I learned I was attracted to others who were not "normal" by society's standards. I think deep down I was attracted to them because I thought they would be the friends who would accept my authentic transgender self. Sadly, once I was starting to embrace my non-normal self, I was forced into the ultimate square peg into a square hole experience, known as Army basic training. BCT was the ultimate team building experience. 

Ironically, the exact opposite happened to me. Surviving basic gave me the tools I needed to further embrace who I was. I knew if I put my mind to something, I could be a success, even if it was in a so-called normal profession. Much to my parent's chagrin I ended up for years as a radio disc jockey. A profession long on enjoyment but extremely short on money. As I struggled financially, I added a daughter who directly caused me to seek a more settled environment. From there I found myself in a thirty year (plus) career in the commercial restaurant business. Little did I know, the food business back in those days was in an incredible expansion phase. Allowing me to jump jobs as I tried to out run my gender issues. From the outside looking in, I am sure I appeared a little more than a little crazy. During that period, I was fond of telling anyone who appeared interested I was not normal.

It turned out, through it all, I was normal. Once I did transition into the life of my authentic transgender self, I calmed down and began to realize all of the sudden once I was living as my true self, I was normal. 

The path I took to get there was not at all easy and not for the weak of heart. I just needed to be the round peg being pushed into the round hole.  

Mammogram Done?

Image from the National
Cancer Institute

This morning I went to a prementioned appointment for my yearly mammogram.

I knew going in it is never the most pleasant procedure in the world but very much better than the alternative of having breast cancer. The part of having a mammogram I had forgotten was how much of a contortionist I would have to become. To complete the procedure, the specialist giving the exam must take four pictures of each side or breast of your body. Since I do have mobility issues even to the point of standing sometimes, I needed extra nurses to get through the mammogram last year. 

This year, I managed to complete the process (I think) with the help of just one person. I say "I think" because I have not heard back yet from the hospital yet on the overall findings of the X-rays. So I can't do any celebrations yet until I do.

I think it is vaguely humorous the women in the radiology (X-Ray) department automatically assume since I am a transgender woman I don't know what is going on. The truth is this is actually my sixth mammogram prescribed by the Veteran's Administration because my maternal grandmother passed away years ago from breast cancer. So I am more experienced than they think. 

Other than that I didn't have any problems with not being respected. I wasn't mis-gendered or anything close to it. 

In a later post, If anything negative or hopefully positive happens with the mammogram I will let you know as I consider the entire process a rite of passage as being a transgender woman.

This just in...everything came back with no problems! So I am clear again for another year!

Living in Her World

 

Photo Compliments of Raquel who said I 
passed out of sheer will power,

Naturally, when I decided to go down the path of undertaking a Male to Female gender transition, I encountered many unexpected obstacles. 

You regulars to my writing know I often mention quite a few walls I had to climb such as perfecting some sort of an appearance which I could present as well as possible in the public's eye. Often the best compliment I could go on was when a transgender woman friend of mine told me I passed out of sheer will power. In other words, to me, she meant I just went all in the public's eye doing the best I could with what I had to work with. To this day, I remember the comment. 

Once I conquered the appearance aspect of presenting in public as a woman the hard work started. Living in her world just began to become serious and more difficult. It was about this time I began to compare the process to being able to play in the girl's sandbox. I knew again I would have to do it out of sheer will power. At the time, I couldn't afford or have the willpower to undergo any facial feminization surgeries, so what the other inhabitants of the sandbox saw with me would be what they got. Many days and nights I would just have to rely on my inner feminine self to get by.

The problem was, my inner self, even though she was feminine, was still learning too. We both had to learn the power of passive aggression which even extended to severe backstabbing from more than a few of the women I encountered. I can't tell you how many times I came home wounded by claw marks on my back. In a relatively short time I began to understand more and more on how different living in her world was going to be. My prime example was when I was told I was a good looking woman, the person (woman) who was saying it was really thinking, for a man. Slowly but surely I overcame all of that and developed a very uneasy confidence of my ability to build a life as a transgender woman. 

Through a series of unexpected happenings, the doors seemingly opened wide and my dream of living as a trans woman finally happened after a half a century of working towards a goal. At that time. it became evident it was time to turn what was left of my old male life over to my inner feminine self who had waited so long to see the light of day. My gender roles flipped flopped increasingly when  I had to cross dress as a man, I felt completely out of place, I was ready, willing and able to give up all the male privileges I had built up over the years to live in her world.

The final push turned out to be the hardest of all. When I needed to discard or donate all my male clothes and begin to acquire a feminine wardrobe to live daily, it was a big step. All of a sudden, the whole process of cross dressing became a game I needed to quit. I could no longer run for cover in my sometimes comfortable old male life. I was able to do it though and have never looked back. I found I never missed anything at all. 

Re-Connections

 

Image from Priscilla Du Preez on
UnSplash 

Often in life we are capable of living out full circles during our time on earth, if we live that long. 

My lifelong journey to find and live with my authentic feminine gender gave me the opportunity to go full circle several times and then reconnect with myself. My biggest issue was to finally establish myself as a transgender woman. To do accomplish my reconnection,  it seemed I had to live my way through being a cross dresser (on two stages) or a transvestite if you prefer that term. I say cross dressing on two stages because for the longest time I considered myself cross dressing as a woman while I was primarily living as a man. When in truth, I was just doing the opposite, cross dressing as a man when I was primarily a woman inside. 

Along the way, I experienced several confidence building experiences to help me along. Sadly, most all of the character building changes occurred to my male self and it took many years for my inner female to catch up. Examples included my successes in career fields as well as being able to influence how my daughter was being raised. Both came back to aid me later in my gender reconnection but at the time didn't seem so positive. The salary I earned at my jobs helped me to earn enough and accept an early retirement which helped me clear a path to transition. And, as far as my daughter went, later on in life she has gone on to be one of my staunchest gender allies. I don't know how my life would have been without her. 

The problems with re-connections if you have ever done any plumbing work, you have to make sure the connection is secure before you move on. I experienced many problems with my gender transition as I tried to move on. I stubbornly refused to dress my age and to blend in with other women around me when I first tried to leave my closet. The entire process caused me deep grief until I began to learn the basics of getting by when it came to my presentation.  When I finally developed the confidence to try harder to secure my initial connection, it seemed something else would appear and get in the way. It turned out, moving and communicating as a woman presented a much more difficult problem for me than the appearance part.

After a while, when I was extremely self destructive to the point of suicide,  it turned out I was going to live long enough to go full circle with my gender in my life. I was fortunate to find and keep a small group of women friends who helped me secure and adjust to the societal demands I  was going to have to face in my new life as a transgender woman. 

By this time I had gone full circle and put my male past behind me. My re-connections were secure and I had a lot of life to look forward to.