It's an Art Form

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on UnSplash

I don't think any transgender woman's path to her own womanhood should be taken lightly. 

We take many many years of experimentation before we reach a point where we can even venture out in the public's eye without the fear of being made fun of, or worse. The problem is even those born female don't have an easy path towards making it to woman hood. Another problem trans women have which extends far past what cis-women face is we don't have any real mentors to help us with basics such as makeup and wardrobe. In most cases, we have to sit back and let testosterone ravage our bodies with unwanted male changes. By the time we can start hormone replacement therapy later in life, it is too late. 

Also, as soon as we discover the art form of makeup and wardrobe, we also are faced with how to more completely present our new feminine selves to the world. I remember my very early days when I went to transvestite mixers up in Cleveland, Ohio as well as in nearby Columbus, Ohio. I found quite the layers of different people attending, all the way from those still dressed as their male self to those impossibly feminine women who I called the "A" Listers. Even though the "A's" had been able to conquer the appearance part of being feminine, on closer inspection, it seemed they had a long way to go to capture the art form of having any class at all. In fact, I nearly changed my terminology from "A" Listers to "Mean Girls." Maybe I was being too subjective myself because maybe they were just going through a phase in life of their own. 

You need to keep in mind too, how many cis (or genetic) females you know who never made it to the position of being true women. The same can be said for males who have never understood what it takes to be a real man. Or, to be able to put the toxic male ego aside and treat the world better. And, when you are obsessed with presenting as a woman, think of all those cis-women who struggle daily with it also.

No matter how you choose to look at it, following your new gender path is an art form. A woman often glides when she walks in that uniquely feminine way and putting your old male movements in motion is a challenge. Let's not forget too, the aspect of communication. There are certain smiles which women reserve for other women as well as a set of passive aggressive or non verbal communication. Consider how many times when you were cross dressing as a man and couldn't quite figure out what a woman was trying to tell you. It is just as bad until you learn the basics of communicating with another woman as your transgender self. If you think you have conquered the makeup and wardrobe artforms, just wait until you get to the level of communicating with the world. With women and men.

If you want a challenge like no other, try changing your gender. Discovering art form after art form makes the process exciting...at the least. 

Her World

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Gonzalez on UnSplash

I live in her world and I am grateful to do so.

More exactly, I am a retired transgender veteran senior citizen who waited most of her life to finally fully come out to the world. Why I waited so long to live in her world, is a complicated matter which involved a semi successful male life which was difficult to give up. Not to mention the potential to lose what remained of my family and friends. By living an extended period as a man, I learned the hard way what I didn't like about the male gender. Even still, I wasn't sure I could ever achieve my goal of living as a fulltime transgender woman. Early on I was naïve and thought success as a woman only came when I did my best to appear as one. 

As I started my early emergence into her world, I found the process was going to be so much more complicated. How was I going to survive financially as well as get used to communicating with the public from the viewpoint of an all new gender perspective. I discovered quite quickly which gender stereotypes were true and which ones were false. I always play the intelligence card when I learned I lost a major amount of my intelligence with men when I completed my MtF gender transition. I found I needed to get used to the changes quickly. 

The more I changed, the more prominent her world became to me. Before I totally gave in to her, I made the ill-fated attempt to hang on to what was left of my old male life while I tried to live part time as a transgender woman. It was becoming increasingly evident to me I was so much more than a transvestite or part-time crossdresser. The relatively new transgender term I found, described me more completely. As I decided, I was able to leave more and more of the old male pressure behind me but not before an ill fated suicide attempt. When the pressure became too much to bear. The moral to the story, my inner woman had gone too far to ever return and I needed to realize it. 

These days, through the miracle of modern medical science, thanks to HRT (hormone replacement therapy) I am able to wake up every morning with all my hair, soft skin, breasts and expanding hips. All the physical signs I need to reinforce I am living in her world. Long ago I decided I did not need or could not afford any major gender surgeries to help me along at my age. My gender was securely entrenched between my ears, not between my legs. I could face the world with what I had.

The only drawback is when my gender dysphoria gets the best of me when I take a look at myself in the morning mirror. It's the time when certain days I dream of completing facial femininization to look even more feminine. Then I have to put my vanity behind me and move on. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention how internal her world is. The more I transitioned into her world, the more emotional I became as the world around me softened noticeably. Of all my favorite aspects of moving into her world, this was my favorite aspect.

I always say the only regret I have is not transitioning more completely earlier in my life. Perhaps destiny was telling me I had to live through certain learning times in my life. Such as serving in the military, graduating college and having my daughter. Without all of those, I would have missed out on so much of my life. Perhaps I shouldn't  have worried, all along I was living her life anyhow. I was just too stubborn to realize it. One time I had a close cis-woman friend tell me after a Halloween party suddenly tell me if "I ever decided to go the other way" (as a woman) I wouldn't have to worry. I finally listened and made the move into her world.

Endless Possibilities

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart
Collection

When I was young, the only vocation I could think I wanted to follow was I wanted to be a woman. 

Somehow along the way, I hoped I would grow out of it. As the years went by, not only did the thoughts of being a woman not go away, they just became stronger.  Initially all of this made me even more frustrated with my life. Possibilities seemed far from endless. I was stuck living an unwanted male life. The only possibility I faced was making my male existence as successful as I could. So I followed traditional male activities and pursuits such as sports and having a successful profession. For years, it seemed I was going backwards towards my dream and/or goal of living as a transgender woman.

Before I did begin to look for my gender possibilities, I needed to learn more completely what the process meant to me. About that time was when the transgender term became known at all. Just having an idea of who I might be gave me a starting point on my gender development. The more I explored getting out of my closet and into the world, happily the possibility of opening more doors began to evolve. I started with the basics such as doing a portion of the grocery shopping all the way to going shopping for Christmas gifts. All as my feminine self. The more I explored, the more possibilities opened up to me. For once in my life, I was finding a way to feel more natural and complete. Deep down I knew I was right when I lived as my authentic feminine self.

All of sudden, I was starting to think I actually could follow the biggest dream of mine to someday live fulltime as a transgender woman. In other words, my sun, moon and gender stars were beginning to come together. Before I knew it, I was going to previously off-limits venues and thriving.  Issues such as one on one communications with strangers began to fade away when I learned living as a transgender woman meant so much more than just looking like one in the mirror. I can't stress enough (for me) learning the many and various layers cis-women live through. I called the process being allowed to play in the girl's sandbox. I was helped along when I was invited to "girls night out" parties as well as other gender specific activities When I pulled the feminine curtain back. I really progressed with the new knowledge I learned. 

If you have ever experienced being tantalizingly close to a lifetime goal and not achieving it, that is where I was. I could see what my life as a woman would be like but taking the final step would not be easy and was all so terrifying. My male self just didn't want to give up all the white male privileges  he had worked all those years to earn. At the time I viewed the process as similar to sliding down a slippery slope towards a steep cliff. When and if I fell off the cliff, I didn't know if I could ever return. Well, I never was able to return to my old male self and I have a series of friends to thank for making my landing as soft as possible.

Included in my circle of friends was my own inner feminine soul. I had no idea once I turned my life over to her, she knew exactly what to do. She had been waiting all those years for her endless possibilities to materialize.  

Gender Energy Shift

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on UnSplash 

I remember years ago when I was still presenting primarily as a  man, every now and then unexpectedly someone would refer to me with feminine pronouns. 

Secretly of course I loved it but never could figure out why someone had cracked my male façade to see the true inner me. Many years later I thought I had discovered the reason why it happened. After I met my wife Liz, I began to search various forms of my spirituality and one of my searches led me to the concept that every person has an aura they project on the world around them. I quickly thought of the times I was called a woman while I was presenting as a man and thought at the time I was subconsciously projecting as a woman. I set out to remember the energy shift process and try to utilize it in my daily life when I ventured out of my gender closet.

Every time I was mis-gendered, I would concentrate harder on the next person. In other words, I tried to think woman in the strictest sense and change my aura so the next person would pick up on it. Sadly I don't have any scientific results but the process seemed to work for me. Perhaps too, the process was working because I had worked so hard to shift my gender energies as I came out as a fulltime transgender woman. I was helped when I didn't have to carry around the extra weight of trying my best to maintain two binary genders in one life. A terrific amount of weight was lifted when I decided my male past had to go in favor of a feminine future.

Along the way I learned too that most people are into their own little worlds and don't really care much about yours unless you somehow rudely invade their world. I found also there are some people who will always "read" you the wrong way, no matter how hard you try. It was difficult but I learned to put those people behind me and just move on as quick as I could. I know I wondered at the time, had my aura somehow slipped back into my old unwanted male self and had I possibly just grew too comfortable as my new transgender self.

Possibly, the biggest energy shift I experienced happened when I was able to begin living my dream as a trans woman. I felt so relieved and I knew I had worked so hard to achieve my dream, no one would ever be able to take it away. Very few of us live long enough to experience living out any of their goals, so anyway that I could I needed to enjoy the new gender energy shift I was experiencing. So far the buzz has never gone away.    

Still a Mystery

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Collection

 When I went to the breakfast meeting yesterday, I was able to take a very small sample of how transgender women and trans men are being accepted in the area of the country around me. The meeting drew approximately one hundred people. Mostly younger professionals.

Before the speaker took the stage, there was a time for networking with others around us. Since I was still basically shy, I decided to stay back and see if anyone tried to reach out to me. No one did, so now I regret my decision. I am sure there will be a next time, so I will have a chance at a re-do and do better. After all, the last thing I want to do is come off being unfriendly. What kind of a transgender ambassador would I be? 

One thing I will always question is how my first impression is received, or what are people really thinking about me,  Yesterday the process began early when I needed to sign in and then find my breakfast, so like it or not, I needed to interact with the world. Everybody I saw gave me a big hello and a smile, which made the overall process so much easier. Long ago, I gave up on my egotistical desire to be viewed as a cis-woman and I settled for being noticed as an attractive (I hope) transgender woman who blends in with the other women. By "working the room" I will have a better idea of what the other attendees think of a trans person. 

Through it all, I still on occasion think, why me? What trigger switch was thrown when I was born to always question the male gender I was born into. The closest I have ever come to thinking I found a culprit was when I began reading about the medication DES which was given for years to women which had experienced problem pregnancies in their past. My Mom had several problem pregnancy's and I was born in the period of time the drug was used, so I naturally was intrigued. Much more so when I read DES flooded the uterus with estrogen when the mother was pregnant. So maybe, that was the reason I always questioned which gender I was born into.

None of that helped me yesterday when I basically retreated myself instead of being a  quality ambassador for the transgender community when I could. I was proud of myself with negotiating the morning Cincinnati rush hour traffic and still utilizing a spotty GPS system on my phone to even find the venue. I thought the difficult part was behind me but I was wrong. I, for whatever reason, couldn't seal the deal and be a quality transgender representative. I will have other chances though and I will do better. One thing I am going to try to have changed is my name tag which correctly identified my legal female name but also said I was "retired" which is also true but I think restricts whomever wants to network with me, I am going to try to get it changed to writer or blogger. Either of which would at the least open potential lines for communication. 

Once I accomplish all of my future goals, I will have to set new ones and hope my life is not such a mystery to others.

Out...With Civilians

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UnSplash

 It's been awhile since I have journeyed out of the house without my wife Liz, unless I was going on simple errands to the gas station or to the pharmacy, I didn't go.

This morning I broke what I refer to as the "Covid" curse and I went to my first Alzheimer's group of Greater Cincinnati's breakfast presentation. I decided to go since I signed up to be part of the organization's diversity committee. The committee is meeting virtually for my first meeting later on this month. As I have mentioned in the past, my passion to try to help with the Alzheimer's effort comes because of my Dad passing from the disease years ago. 

Almost as important to me was the fact I was returning to the public again after so long hiding in the shadows. Before the forced isolation of Covid, I was more or less a public person. Recently I decided it was time to get back in the public's eye and regain my confidence. Since I am inherently a shy person, the idea of meeting a room full of strangers was intimidating again. Almost as scary of facing the Cincinnati morning rush hour traffic with my GPS which had decided to not work all the way on the way.

Regardless of all of that, I did make it to the venue. In time to grab a breakfast sandwich, a cup of coffee and finally a seat where I could comfortably see and hear the speakers. To that point, everyone was really nice and greeted me with a smile.  In other words, my fears of somehow being mistreated for being the only transgender woman there were completely unfounded. The only LGBTQA+ person I saw there was one of the caterers as well as several maybe lesbians in the crowd of attendees. 

Looking around at the majority of the other women who were there, I dressed to blend rather well. I wore a pair of my black leggings, white camisole with a knitted top that my wife Liz made me. I added my black flats, lite makeup, pulled back my hair and I was ready to go. I was cool and comfortable on a warm summer's morning and wasn't too cold in the air conditioned venue.

Now I hope to expand my horizons again and do more to support my passions. Coming up next is the first of a ten week support group with the Dayton Ohio Veterans' Administration. Over the weeks we will be asked our opinion of how the VA has been doing in it's support of LGBTQA+ veterans. I am looking forward into providing my input as well as do more in the future for the Alzheimer's committee.

I feel anything I can do will pay me forward in the karma department and hopefully the recent strides in Alzheimer's care will continue and I won't have to face the same fate as my Dad did. 

 

Gender in Layers

Image from Monika Kozub
o UnSplash

Quite early in life I thought being feminine was just looking like a girl/woman.

It wasn't until much later on, I discovered how wrong I was. Even though I was an avid follower of everything feminine I could find, it seemed everything I did wasn't good enough. Everywhere I turned cis-women gate keepers were keeping me out. As I did manage small steps on my gender journey I came to a point where I collided with my second wife. All along she was very outspoken in that she didn't want to live with another woman. Especially if the woman was me. So I counted her out when it came to me acquiring any new feedback from her. I was completely on my own.

Since I was on my own, I did make mistakes and sadly my biggest gender strides came after she unexpectedly passed away from a massive heart attack. It was then I was free to explore my feminine self in the world. Very quickly I learned my deceased wife was right, I had a long way to go. I needed to advance from she called the "pretty, pretty princess" stage of my life, gather myself and attempt to move forward into a world I found I knew very little about. If I was going to advance, I needed to interact one on one with the world as a transgender woman.

I started with looking at the different layers of life a woman faces which were different from a man. Of course the easy ones were family driven. Since women birth the children, often the kids were more central to their lives. No big surprise. I didn't have much problem when I communicated the fact I was a parent too when I was communicating with another woman. It was from there when the communication became a little more difficult. I was petrified the next question would be why was I dressing like a woman anyway. That question never came and often we moved on to less important topics such as jewelry, hair and clothes.

About the time I thought communicating with other women wasn't so difficult someone would come along with a passive aggressive thought which would send me back to the communication drawing board. Men were so forward when they communicated in my male world, I got burnt several times when I didn't adjust fast enough to the women's way of speaking. What was she really trying to say. Was I truly pretty or just pretty for a man cross dressed  as a woman. Finally I decided to leave all the paranoia about communication behind. Instead of what could go wrong, I adopted what could go right as my inner slogan.

Other layers in my new life as a transgender woman came along mainly after I began hormone replacement therapy. Fairly quickly my emotions were released as the world around me became softer, My sense of smell even became more intense. The entire HRT experience helped to add layers to a life which was increasingly becoming more feminine. 

Through it all, delving into the deeper layers of a woman's life helped to make mine so much more meaningful.   

Watching the Wrong Movie

 

Image from Mason Kimbarosky 
on Unsplash

Recently it occurred to me the biggest problem I had in life was, I was watching the wrong movie. 

The movie I was born into was simply the wrong one and I ended up not being able to escape from the theatre for too many years. It took me way too long to finally decide I was transgender and get on with it. The problems were not unique to me and ran deep within the transvestite or transsexual community. I wanted to be a pretty cheerleader instead of a football player, I wanted to wear the beautiful gown and be courted at prom. The list went on and on along with the wrong movie. Also, I spent hours daydreaming of how it would be to be a girl/woman along with hoping I would wakeup and be able to live my dream. 

As with all movies, the one I was living in had it's ups and downs. Even though I didn't want to experience a male existence at all, I was forced to and managed to find pockets of satisfaction when I was successful. The greatest one was when my daughter was born. The rest of the time, I was mainly locked in the wrong theater and forced to be part of the unwanted movie. It turned out during most of this time, I was working behind the scenes for when the movie ended and I could escape. During this time I managed to break out of my gender closet and begin to explore the world as my feminine self. The times I was successful at watching a new movie just helped me to wanting to see more of it.

The new movie was so interesting when I saw more I just knew I had been forced into the wrong theatre my entire life. The new movie featured the women I wanted so badly to become, if I could fit in and be accepted in the show. Many aspects were correctly pre-identified by me from my years of closely observing women. Such as, women were the high maintenance gender and nearly always on stage if they liked it or not. I needed to become used to the more or less constant attention from both genders. The part I could never pre-learn was how it would be like to really live my dream of being a fulltime transgender woman. The communication aspects alone of being in a new movie were scary to say the least. Not only did I feel I had to be equal to the cis-women around me, I had to be better to be allowed to continuing to watch the movie.

As we all know, movies change and have plot twists in the middle and being up to date on what I was watching became very important to me. Was I dressing to blend, how was my voice were all part of key elements I needed to face daily and not get rejected from the new movie I loved so much. As the movie unfolded it was clear I always should have had a ticket. Sadly, I did but I took so long to use it.

Another key to knowing I was finally watching the right movie was I never lost interest and haven't to this day. I love the new transgender movie I am in and try to live it to the fullest.

Transgender Crisis Management

 

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection

I suspect many of you have experienced your share of "crisis management" during your life. It applies to you no matter how you identify as a transvestite, cross dresser, transsexual or transgender person, you have experienced your share of potentially embarrassing moments.

It all started early in life for all of us (in the extreme majority) who did not grow up in a gender supportive family. We needed to be extremely careful when we dressed in our feminine wardrobe, or clothes we "borrowed" from sisters or mothers. We had to be careful not to ruin the clothes we were trying desperately to wear. Plus when we tried to wear makeup, there was the problem of taking it back off. Crisis management became very important to me if and when someone in the family came home early and I needed to take off all the clothes and makeup in record time. 

Little did I know crisis management would follow me through my life. When I got married to spouses who totally didn't approve of me cross dressing so much, I would need again to rush to take all the makeup off along with the clothes of course. Life with my second wife was the worst because we made a deal I ended up breaking many times. The deal was I had three days a week to cross dress as a woman any way I wanted. Even to the point I could leave the house as a man, rent a motel room and redress as a woman. It was heaven to me for awhile until I became so successful as a feminine person, I wanted more and more. I came to the point where I was sneaking out of the house every chance I had and breaking the promise we had set. In essence I was cheating on my wife with myself, the other woman in my life.

Along the way, I sustained many other crisis management situations. Looking back they are humorous now but at the time were anything but. The most embarrassing I can remember is when I had the brilliant (not) idea to use water balloons as breast forms. What could possibly go wrong, right? One night as I was enjoying the "bounce" I experienced from my falsies, one exploded and my water balloon broke. Fortunately I was on my way to the women's room anyhow, so I was able to hide in a stall, dry myself off and sneak out when the coast was clear. It turned out to be all right and I didn't have to tell someone I was pregnant and my water just broke. Or explain how I had just lost my bustline. 

Another of my mis-adventures occurred when I decided to wear my high heeled boots to my regular venue on a snowy night. I was certain I had navigated the boots in the past and if I was careful I could do it again. Of course I was wrong and when I had to stand up from where I was sitting at the bar, down I went. Not exactly the feminine exit I wanted in my new fancy boots. Very quickly I gathered what was left of my confidence, summoned  what was left of my dignity and walked out. I was lucky my dignity was all which was hurt. 

Through it all, my previous experience with having to deal with any crisis served me well. I was prepared for having my heels get stuck in a sidewalk all the way to the more extreme situations I described. Just think, it all started with me rushing to remove my makeup when my brother came home from school early. I was prepared for the worst and expecting the best. I was lucky, my gender glass was always half full. No matter how much misfortune I was experiencing. 

Similar to everyone else with deep gender dysphoria, I went through my share of crisis management. Even if it was based in reality or was all mental, somehow destiny was telling me I needed to see it all as I followed my own transgender path. 

One thing you could say was somehow even with advanced crisis management, life was never boring.