Gender in Layers
|Image from Monika Kozub|
Quite early in life I thought being feminine was just looking like a girl/woman.
It wasn't until much later on, I discovered how wrong I was. Even though I was an avid follower of everything feminine I could find, it seemed everything I did wasn't good enough. Everywhere I turned cis-women gate keepers were keeping me out. As I did manage small steps on my gender journey I came to a point where I collided with my second wife. All along she was very outspoken in that she didn't want to live with another woman. Especially if the woman was me. So I counted her out when it came to me acquiring any new feedback from her. I was completely on my own.
Since I was on my own, I did make mistakes and sadly my biggest gender strides came after she unexpectedly passed away from a massive heart attack. It was then I was free to explore my feminine self in the world. Very quickly I learned my deceased wife was right, I had a long way to go. I needed to advance from she called the "pretty, pretty princess" stage of my life, gather myself and attempt to move forward into a world I found I knew very little about. If I was going to advance, I needed to interact one on one with the world as a transgender woman.
I started with looking at the different layers of life a woman faces which were different from a man. Of course the easy ones were family driven. Since women birth the children, often the kids were more central to their lives. No big surprise. I didn't have much problem when I communicated the fact I was a parent too when I was communicating with another woman. It was from there when the communication became a little more difficult. I was petrified the next question would be why was I dressing like a woman anyway. That question never came and often we moved on to less important topics such as jewelry, hair and clothes.
About the time I thought communicating with other women wasn't so difficult someone would come along with a passive aggressive thought which would send me back to the communication drawing board. Men were so forward when they communicated in my male world, I got burnt several times when I didn't adjust fast enough to the women's way of speaking. What was she really trying to say. Was I truly pretty or just pretty for a man cross dressed as a woman. Finally I decided to leave all the paranoia about communication behind. Instead of what could go wrong, I adopted what could go right as my inner slogan.
Other layers in my new life as a transgender woman came along mainly after I began hormone replacement therapy. Fairly quickly my emotions were released as the world around me became softer, My sense of smell even became more intense. The entire HRT experience helped to add layers to a life which was increasingly becoming more feminine.
Through it all, delving into the deeper layers of a woman's life helped to make mine so much more meaningful.