Girls Afternoon Out

I had a pleasant surprise yesterday. My partner Liz and I were invited out for "Happy Hour" Margaritas with a woman friend of hers at a nearby Mexican Restaurant. 

The invite turned out to be a happy two hours of chit chat. We basically talked about the direction of the spiritual social group we are in. Which included future meetups, Cincinnati Pride and the Witches Ball.

All went well and I enjoyed being included in "How are you ladies doing today." And being called "Mam" by the male server. I don't think it will ever get old.

Changing the subject, tonight is the support group meeting of Crossport , the transgender - cross dresser group I am a member of. Normally, always something interesting comes fro it. Tonight is the big preparation night for Friday's clothing swap which we are doing in conjunction with another transgender group here in town. Last year I found a leather fringed purse I gave to Liz since her favorite color is purple. It will be interesting if I can find anything nice this year.

What I really want to say tonight is (and I won't) can certain members stop the stories of their old male muscle car antics. Or at least come up with some new ones. I just don't understand why some of these people want to glorify their old male existence as much as they do. A percentage of them though are cross dressers who still live in the male world. Perhaps it helps them to keep one foot in that world even though they are dressed feminine. I know years ago when I was exploring the impossible dream of coming out of my closet, I did close to the same thing.

Now I just want to forget most of what I did back then would just go away.

Speaking or going away, tomorrow is my monthly therapist visit. On the way, I am going to stop by the old vacant lot I still own to see if anyone has been littering it. I have been putting it off, so it's finally time to take care of any issues which may have cropped up. If I can.

Finally, before I forget. I hope you all have a great week!

Charlotte Clymer

Unless you are considerably better read on transgender affairs than I am, you probably don't recognize the name. I didn't until she burst into my conscience this morning on the CBS Sunday Morning Show.

As I was getting ready to undertake my Sunday morning chores (including a blog post...a fun chore) I paused to watch the "Opinion" segment of the show.

All of a sudden, host Jane Pauley was talking about resident rumps' position on blocking transgender troops from serving. Then, she introduced Charlotte Clymer, a real transgender veteran.

Trans Vet Charlotte Clymer

I probably don't have to tell you what happened next.  Charlotte proceeded to lay out her military experience explaining how when she folded a flag as an honor for a troop who paid the ultimate sacrifice, it didn't matter if the person was white, black, gay or straight and finally transgender or not.

Of course she went on to point out "commander bone spurs" (rump) didn't serve at all. Plus, rump was going against some of his top military generals who favored trans service.

I saw this literally about an hour ago. Approximately 10:15 AM, Eastern Standard Time.

I am also offering a video link to watch it, if it is still available,

Obviously, positive/strong opinions like Charlotte's are hard to come by and so needed!

Response

In response to my "Transgender for Dummies" post yesterday, Connie had this comment:

"Well, it's for sure that Clare Flourish is not "Transgender for Dummies." I read her blog regularly, and I don't think I've gotten through a single post without having to visit Dictionary.com to find the meaning of a word she has used. She certainly offers something for which I can contemplate in most every post.

Speaking as one who must endure a transition without the "assistance" of HRT, I have only been an interested observer of my trans sisters who have been able to experience the effects of female hormones on their bodies and minds. Having fathered two daughters, and having more than just a passing interest as they have grown through puberty, pregnancies and motherhood, has taught me how I might fit into the world of the feminine mystique as a trans woman, as well. There is much to which I can't directly relate, but I, at least, have been able to create a personal mindfulness.

If I were able to go on HRT, I wonder if my mindfulness would be overcome by emotional mood swings. I have observed trans women who had little mindfulness before HRT, and most of them have shown themselves to be emotional messes at times. Cis girls certainly have little mindfulness as they go through puberty, but they do have their peers (and, if fortunate enough, a caring and wise mother) to help them through the trials and tribulations. Trans women don't usually have that luxury, and learning to deal with the changes brought about by powerful hormones must be daunting. I would like to think that I would be better prepared, myself, but I think that there would be only one way to find out. Still, I have been around trans women who began HRT with the thought that it would be the be-all-end-all of their transitions without much support or education. This is why I've often said that HRT can either fuel you or fool you. That's only from my position as an observer, of course.

For whatever reason, I've always been a pretty sensitive person. Being raised as a male, with the assistance of testosterone, had been enough to keep most public demonstration of my sensitivity to a minimum. When I finally declared that I was going to live the rest of my life as the woman I know I was born to be, I found much relief in being allowed to express my emotions more freely. I tend to shed tears at the, seemingly, most silly little things. The only reason I might try to gain control over them, these days, is to keep from messing up my makeup! :-) "

I would agree Clare Flourish is no dummy! Didn't mean to imply she was. More precisely, I was trying to say I was the dummy. 

My view on HRT is it is a stepping stone. In many instances such as I, it has provided me a much needed edge in be able to to present more favorably as a trans woman. I was far from a "natural."  So, as far as I am concerned, HRT fueled me to where I wanted to go. On the other hand, HRT is far from the miracle worker many perceive it to be. As with any other medical procedure, it all needs to be kept in perspective. 

I know a couple novice transgender women who are so convinced HRT is the magic stepping stone to bottom surgery, they have it all laid out in their minds how quick  it all can happen. Both have barely taken the time to live a feminized existence. 

Needless to say, it is a radically different deal when you start to live full time.

Transgender Guide for Dummies

I wish I had the time and the patience to write a book on this subject. Since I don't, I decided to steal an idea from a Word Press blog I follow by Clare Flourish  on emotions, which would be one chapter. I read the post with interest since lately I have been over emotional and afterwards put myself  firmly in the "dummy" category.

Why? Because I have been on HRT for about five years now and have more than a little idea how they effect ones existence. In fact, I think outside a a few physical changes, emotions are your biggest change, Like any woman, your emotions can be happy or sad, or a curious combination of both.

An example for me came this weekend when Liz and I went to a well known German Restaurant here in Cincinnati after the Transgender Day of Visibility. Since I served for a year and a half in the Army for AFN in Germany, I still love the atmosphere, food and of course the beer of Germany.

As we were led to our seats, I felt this overbearing sense of sadness mixed with anticipation. Fortunately we made it to our seats before I started to tear up. I was just so happy to have a chance to relive the past. Hell, I even teared up this year during the Cincinnati Reds opening day baseball ceremony. Some would say I should because of the teams they have put on the field lately but my emotional outbreak had more to do with the baseball fun I had as a guy...which was so bittersweet.

The hardest part I have with emotions is the desire to hold them in as I always did (of course) as a guy. Once again, I am being the dummy and Liz always notices me tearing up anyhow.  So, why bother?

I know also, in today's complex male/female gender interactions, women too are coming to view crying as a sign of weakness.  I don't know how they do it. Once I feel a wave of emotions coming over me, there is not much I can do about it.

Back in the day as I was first coming out in the world as a trans woman, my cis female friends always took delight in telling me "Welcome to our world." It's taken me years to understand the layers and richness emotions (among other things) have added to my life.

I was always "the dummy."

Accepted!

I just received a message my workshop proposal for the Trans Ohio Symposium has been accepted. The symposium takes place this year again at THE Ohio State University Student Union center from April 26th through the 28th. I will find out later in the week when my workshop is scheduled.

As you may (or may not remember) my subject matter will center around my navigation through severe Mtf Gender Dysphoria.

The whole weekend is beginning to come together for Liz and I. A week ago we secured a hotel reservation at a nice venue close enough to the campus to provide a free shuttle service. Then, a couple days ago reserved a rental car for the two hundred mile trip to and back from Cincinnati to Columbus for the symposium. Which saves extra wear and tear on the only high mileage car we have left. The other self destructed a couple weeks ago when the timing belt broke. Plus, we won't have to worry about an untimely breakdown on the trip. 

Now I have to concentrate on "fleshing" out the workshop proposal I sent. Fortunately, a trans friend of mine brought back a helpful little booklet I could use from the "Keystone Conference" in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania not long ago. It's a great "cheat sheet" or for those of you who remember, a version of"Cliffs Notes" on transgender issues.

I really need to do a better job of presenting this year than last year...no crying!

Before I conclude this post, I would like to say hello to Angie in Kentucky!

Weekend Transgender Fun

Or, things to do while I happen to be transgender. Mentally, I don't make the separation much anymore. To me, I am just me, presenting feminine after so many years in gender hell. On occasion though, I will pause and look back on what a long strange trip it has been. I even considered posting my one and only "before" picture with this post but I won't since it causes me to remember back to so many painful days.

At any rate, we are supposed to have a good Spring weather weekend around here for a change, so it's time to dig through my wardrobe and pull out a few suitable

cross dressing pic... circa 2009

outfits.

Friday night is the monthly dinner and music social with the cross dressers - transgender group. I will have to check the weather but I might be able to get away with just a light sweater with jeans or leggings. I have a powder blue sweater Liz gave me that goes great with leggings and actuates my figure. I may have to break down and wear a bra with it though because it gets a bit "nipply" if you look at me from the wrong angle. I just don't like to wear bras, preferring a more "natural" feel. The lighting where we go is normally low, so I should be able to wear the outfit without a jacket and do fine.

Saturday (as always} is errand day. We start with Liz's martial arts class where she just became a recommended black belt and then go to the grocery store. This week though, we have another meeting for the Witches Ball Committee, which should be interesting because the head person quit in protest. So everyone will have to step up and take more responsibility. So far, my deal is being in charge of our Cincinnati Pride table. Not too bad.

Finally Sunday, we hope to get a head start on the yard and work outside. Boring but needed activity.

The Sugar Daddy and the Endocrinologist

My trip to the endocrinologist was certainly uneventful, until I met my sugar daddy afterwards. My Doc was OK with my request to increase my estrodial and perhaps decrease my testosterone. As we talked, I said I was satisfied where I was with my feminization process but then again feel like I hit a wall. So, her (the Doc's) answer was maybe my testosterone was creeping up again and let's get it checked. So, off I went to get the proper blood labs done.

I knew my day was going too good when the 75 mile trip up to the medical center was very easy for a change, I found a parking spot and the wait was minimal. By this time, it was past noon and I hoped the wait at the blood labs would be minimal too...wrong, the room was packed, standing room only almost for a seat. I settled in to lose an hour of my life I would never get back.

As I sat there, a short time later, an older gentleman, well dressed with a straw hat sat down across the room. I didn't give him much thought except you don't see many guys at the VA who bother to dress up at all.

Approximately fifteen minutes later, he got up to go to the restroom and lost his seat. He then ended up sitting across from me. He was busily talking to a couple of other guys about the March Madness basketball games and was leaving me alone, for awhile. Then he said "Mam" what branch of the service did I serve in? I told him the Army and the chat was on. I found out he served in the Army in the mid 60's in Panama, was 75, retired but still flipped houses for a living.

By that time, he had decided to quit talking to the other guys and turn his attention to me and all the time used the proper pronouns so I felt secure in the conversation.  I had to be careful though not to out myself.

If I mentioned at all I was drafted, that would do it. Of course women weren't drafted into the service. On the fly I needed to make up a story about how I got into the military, or slightly twist the facts. Or shut up. I chose the latter but on the way home came up with a more palatable way of explaining what I did in the military.

To start with, some of you Cyrsti's Condo regulars know, I was assigned to the American Forces Radio and Television Service (AFRTS). So, I actually worked for the Air Force for one year and the Army for two years. So, I could say I was almost a contract worker for the military. At least it may work in a pinch when I get into an in depth conversation with someone who I don't want to automatically out myself with.

I must be getting dramatically better with my over all transgender presentation though. This makes the second time in a row men have called me by the right pronouns and wanted to talk while I was waiting to give blood. Years ago, I was called a "fagg--t" in the same room.

Times do change, and if my blood comes back the right way, maybe I can change it a little bit faster.

What is Visibility?

Since it is our local Cincinnati Transgender Day of Visibility, perhaps it's time to discuss what visibility really means.

Many would consider me to be really visible since I live full time as a trans woman. Sometimes I am and sometimes I am not. When and if I am successful in blending in seamlessly as a woman in society, I am not visible at all. Then, at other times I am in and out of another person's reality so quickly, I am barely visible to them either. Maybe later they think there maybe have been something a little off kilter with their encounter with me. By that time though, I am long gone from their reality.

How about you though? Can you be visible and still be in your closet? Sure you can. Maybe you bide your time and support silently pro LGBTQ political candidates and laws. Who knows when you will need them? Plus, what about the gender fluid kids who are new in the system, they need our help.

Finally, is the church you go to anti gay and transgender or do you still support businesses such as Chick - Fil - A or Hobby Lobby who are actively involved in erasing our very existence.

You see, there is plenty to do to stay visible even though you may not be in the public's eye. 

Endo Appointment

My endocrinologist appointment is coming up on Monday after Sunday's Transgender Day of Visibility.

Hopefully, I am not expecting a whole lot of drama. I think I might ask to have my estrodial increased a little bit which I don't think she (the nurse practitioner) will do until she sees a new set of blood labs. But I will still try.

I have written before how I think I have pretty much "hit the wall" with my feminization process.  I believe too, with the time I have been on HRT (approx. five years) I could have reached my maximum expectations as far as feminization goes.

It's my personality though to keep asking for more. Primarily in my hips. I also think my overall body hair has made a slight rebound which of course I don't want.

Actually, I am just whining and I think this is all coming along according to plan and I know too the whole process can take up to seven years. I know also, much is dependent on me to lose a few pounds again before summer to give me a better overall figure in a couple of my fave form fitting maxi dresses.

I will let you know how it all goes.