Cross Dressing and Gender Dysphoria

I couldn't help but share this comment from Connie on the subject of transgender women, cross dressers and Mtf gender dysphoria:

"Cross gender expression and presentation, in the absence of gender dysphoria, is - to me - pure cross dressing. I can only speak from my own experiences and acquaintances, but I have enough anecdotal evidence to, at least, theorize on this. There was a time, before I began my transition, that I actually expressed my admiration to cross dressers. The ones I knew seemed so happy just to get all dolled up for a Thursday night out "with the gurls" and then go back to their regular male lives the rest of the week. That was in contrast to my waking up Friday morning (and every morning), feeling so very deflated that I was about to face the world behind my male facade. I used to think that I just didn't have the same grip on reality as they did, and that the dysphoria I had always had was something that needed to be overcome. Most of us who have gender dysphoria, whether we admit to it or not, will learn that it can't be overcome; over-ridden by willpower, maybe, but not overcome. It was with us at birth, and it will remain until the day we die - and may be the very thing that is the cause for dying, sadly.

I still don't know if it might just be varying degrees of gender dysphoria that make the difference between one being a cross dresser or transsexual (for lack of a better term). Was it dysphoria that led me, at a very young age, to be attracted to feminine things like makeup, jewelry, and dresses? I certainly had a sense of euphoria when I put them on, but I don't know that euphoria needs to be a counter to dysphoria. I do know that the dysphoria was recognized when I began puberty; when my body started changing to something I was not happy to have. The dichotomy of a testosterone surge against my deep desire to grow into womanhood was only tempered by cross dressing experiences. The biggest fete of my life was to, at seventeen, decide to suppress my desires and maintain it for another seventeen years. The darkest period of my life was the next seventeen years, when I attempted to use closeted cross dressing to deal with my dysphoria. Like a drug addict, though, I was only maintaining, and I eventually took the leap to going out of the house as a way to find the fix that would bring back that euphoric feeling.

Hanging out with cross dressers soon lost its luster for me. I enjoyed myself, to be sure, but I still could see differences in our individual motivations for expressing our femininity. After about a year of attending events with this group, one of them asked me a question that really set me on the course of transition. She asked if I were going to disappear, as others had done, because I wasn't feeling the gratification of being involved with a bunch of "mere" cross dressers. Well, yes, I had already determined that I was not like most of them. My femininity was not dictated by a series of events at which I was participating. Those were just things that I had been doing, but I finally learned that they were only a part of who I was. When Thursday nights became the trans version of the movie, Groundhog's Day, for me, I did make my exit from the group. Interestingly, though, the few I did try to maintain relationships with ended up disappearing from my life within a short time, as well.

Although my theory of dysphoria/euphoria is in need of more development, I have found a balance in my own life that causes me to not really care anymore. My gender dysphoria will always be there, but it has become less of a motivation toward what I do to alleviate it; more just a part of who I am that is as innate as my compulsion to breath. Funny, it took finding who I am to be able to really breath."

Thanks for such an insightful post!

Transgender Support Meeting

Last night was one of the twice a month transgender - cross dresser support group meetings. It was sparsely attended due in no small part to a couple of regulars who are in the hospital. One had a heart attack and the other just went through a complex operation to remove a brain tumor. Both had the habit of adding quite a bit to the discussions. Fortunately (or not) I was able to step in with discussions of my own.

The first had to do with volunteering to work the front door at this years' Cincinnati Witches Ball Halloween party. As I wrote before, my request was met with shock by the lead organizer. On the spur of the moment, I decided I was not going to sit on the sidelines anymore and to hell with being trans...I was going to step up. The rest of the meeting became so dis-orientated due to internal squabbles and a very noisy young boys basketball team who disrupted everything else. At the least, I am satisfied I stepped up to help the ball and volunteer for a very important and complicated job.

For the last several years, we have also set up at Cincinnati Pride, which has become a huge event and I volunteered to get us registered for that. It too was lost in the dust of the mess of a meeting. Oh well.

My first topic last night involved my quest to present a workshop again at this years 2019 Trans Ohio Symposium. I have decided gender dysphoria will be my central topic. My proposal has to be in by Thursday.

Ironically, one of my assumptions about dysphoria was shattered by the moderator of the group last night. When I mentioned what I was going to try to do, she stuck her nose up in the air and said she had never experienced any Mtf gender dysphoria at all. We got into a brief give and take about what dysphoria really meant and how it was possible she never felt the pulling and tugging of the two main gender binaries. It was an eye opening experience for me.

Finally, towards the end of the meeting, we somehow ended up discussing how Victoria's Secret doesn't use transgender models and even how I don't support Chick Fil A with any of my money. Of course she said she does because she considers herself a role model of sorts for trans people everywhere by proving she could eat there. I simply said since she does have quite a bit of passing privilege, her attempts were wasted because no one knew anyhow. All she was doing was contributing to the profit margins of an anti LGBTQ company. After another person said if we stop going to all the companies who don't support us, we wouldn't have any place to go. I had to step back in and point out that wasn't true either. Cincinnati alone has several big companies who are pro LGBTQ including Kroger grocery stores, Fifth Third Bank, Procter and Gamble and Pure Romance.

So, all in all it was an exciting couple of days.   

Trans Ohio

It's hard to believe but sign up time for the 2019 version of the "Trans Ohio Symposium" is here.

My only real decision at this point is if I am going to present another workshop of some sort this year. At this point I am thinking of one of two topics. the first is a variation of last year's presentation called "Fifty Years of Hitting Transgender Walls" or, "Gender Dysphoria, the Root of all Evil?" It's probably going to be a "game time decision" when I send my application in.

A decision on choosing the presentation on gender dysphoria may appeal to more people simply due to the number of transgender men who attend, plus it may appeal more to a younger audience. Also, if I use the blog as an example, MtF transgender dysphoric posts have always had a good response.

One way or another, the presentation has to be accepted anyway, so there is no guarantee I would be doing it anyway.

We will see!

Now it's the Wind

Today Liz and I are headed out in 40 mile per hour wind gusts to what could be a contentious Cincinnati Witches Ball meeting. The main organizer of the event has overstepped her power and will meet up today with the head of the organization which loosely backs it.

FYI...the ball is really a huge themed Halloween party. The theme this year is going to be "Steam Punk."

Example of "Steam Punk" costume.

Since I really don't do much, I don't/shouldn't have much to add or subtract.

As far as the upcoming week goes, I have a Doctor's appointment Tuesday and we have another cross dresser - transgender karaoke social Friday.

Plus one of these days I have to quit my procrastination and schedule my mammogram. My excuse is I am waiting for better weather in March. The problem is, March weather around here can be as unpredictable as February.

It's my excuse and I am sticking to it. As far as the mammogram goes, I don't mind it as much as the long walk I have to take to get from the parking garage to the clinic.

Enough whining...have a great week!

Young and Transgender

I could go into great detail about the problems young transgender girls or boys go through in the majority of cases. Of course we all know the instances of increased suicide rates mis-understood trans kids go through.

On the other side of the coin is the teen aged transgender girl who has basically grown up before our eyes...Jazz Jennings. Jazz of course is an example of a white, attractive child who happened to be part of a very accepting family.

If you have a story to share of your upbringing, please comment here on the blog or email me at Cyrstih@yahoo.com. 

In the meantime, here is Connie's:

FABULOUS CONNIE DEE February 22, 2019 at 12:58 PM
"I hope to live long enough to see how the current generation of young transgender people will fare as they move into adulthood. There will still be pitfalls for them, but not having to deal with the shame is a definite advantage. For those who have parental acceptance and support, there will be a much more solid foundation.

I didn't have to tell my mother; she figured it out when she discovered some of her clothing was missing when I was about 12-years-old. Beyond a swift beating of my ass and a warning to never do it again, we never discussed it, either - unless you count subsequent reprises of the same interaction as being an on-going discussion. It's almost impossible, as a child, not to feel the shame in yourself when your parents express their own shame for you. It is so much more than, say, a feeling of guilt a child may get from getting caught with stealing a cookie. If my guilt was the cookie, my shame was the whole cookie jar; the cookie my gender expression, the jar my gender identity.

I have forgiven my mother, too. Neither of us knew what was going on, and "transgender" was something years away. It's said that knowledge is power, and there is so much more information that is readily available to both trans kids and their parents these days. I hold hope and prayer that both will avail themselves of that information and learn there is nothing for which to be ashamed - neither for the trans child or the parents of a trans child."

Well written, thanks!

Ashamed to be Transgender?

Yesterday, I happened to come across a blog post called "I am Not Ashamed to be Transgender" on a very extensive web site called "T-Central". By extensive, I mean the site is a compilation of many transgender - cross dressing blogs. You can follow the link above to check it out.

The post I am mentioning here is from a mother with a trans child. Here is a brief excerpt:

 "When I asked my son (who is transgender) what kind of impact our support had, he looked me straight in the eye (which teenagers generally don’t do) and said, “I don’t feel ashamed of who I am.” Several years later and I can still feel the power behind that statement that he uttered with such conviction, not a moment’s hesitation."

I thought "Wow", how great it would have been to tell my Mom that when I was a teen-ager and for her to accept it, or at least think about it. You see, I didn't have one of those mothers who subconsciously would let me be a girl in any way shape or form. Ironically, I did come out to her when I got out of the Army when I was twenty five. I told her about the same thing, I was not going to feel ashamed of myself anymore. Which wasn't true and I wish it was.

The fact of the matter was, my Mom slammed the closet door in my face that night so long ago (1975) and we never mentioned it again. She passed away several years later.

I really admire the younger generation of transgender children who have the conviction to stand up for who they are and possibly respect even more the parents who accept them. 

FYI...I have forgiven my Mom and even legally changed my middle name to her first name. It turned out, she did get the daughter she never had and in so many ways we turned out so much alike.

Shoe Time?

Thanks to several of you, we have gotten plenty of response here in Cyrsti's Condo to a short series of posts we did on the closing of Payless Shoes. Responses ranged from no interest at all from Shelle, to heading there during lunch (Sally) to Connie's reference to her visits at DSW , an upscale competitor to Payless who undoubtedly led to their demise:

"I've not had much luck with Payless, myself. Many years ago, I bought two pair of shoes there, and I only got the second pair because it was a BOGO sale. That's a 50% discount...sorta. I imagine that what has made Payless a go-to for trans women is that they do carry some larger sizes, but they also are basically a self-service outfit. I have found that DSW works better for me, and I can get better quality at pretty good discounts (becoming a VIP shopper yields even more discounts). I usually go to the back of the store first, which is where they have the clearance shoes grouped by size. The nice leather boots I'm wearing this winter were purchased last spring, and they cost me only $12.00 ($160-80%=$32.00, and a $20.00 coupon)."

I literally have not been to a DSW Shoes for years, due to the fact I could never find my size there. I would imagine in today's world though, with the overall increase in size of women's feet, things may be different now.

Overall, I am not the shoe fanatic many transgender/cross dresser women are. So my shoe buying experiences aren't as frequent. I also can't wear heels, so I have to "manufacture" the power women get from their heels in other ways. As long as my MtF gender dysphoria isn't working against me, I normally don't have a problem with confidence which doesn't have anything thing to do with shoes. Plus, I so love it when the others (trans or CD) have to bend down to hug me or talk to me.

Finally, speaking (writing) of frequent, tonight I will have a chance to wear one of my new pairs of shoes when we go out to yet another transgender - cross dresser social. I find this one to be more relaxing than the karaoke one we go to once a month. It is quieter and easier to communicate at the venue. 

I will let you know how it goes.

Just a Little Piece of Plastic

Yesterday when my hematologist was checking me over, he asked me to raise my sweater so he could check my stomach. Along the way, he noticed my two estrodial patches on my sides and asked what they were.

He didn't ask what they were for. If he did, the simplest answer would have been, the patches make me the person I am today. Then I began to think about it on the way home, maybe he didn't realize I was transgender. 

For sure, all the long term positive feminizing effects of the hormones have kicked in, allowing me more gender freedom than I have ever known. Plus, the debilitating effects of my MtF gender dysphoria have decreased. Normally, I thank a higher power for my opportunity to go on HRT (hormone replacement treatment) daily.

Then I began to think of all of those trans people who for whatever reason can't go on the hormonal journey I did. I wanted to write you have all my respect. I know many are restricted medically from taking the HRT route and just as many have potential lifestyle issues with family and employment. Neither a great way to address gender dysphoria.

Now I have to worry about the VA changing my patches to a lesser effective generic brand of patch like they did to the trans woman I had lunch with yesterday. I have heard there was a shortage. I have enough patches to get through the next couple of months, so we shall see!

On the Road Again

Just ahead of another big winter storm, I was able to safely navigate my way over the 150 plus mile round trip to see my Hematologist today (Tuesday). 

I made the trip up the highway to keep my doctors appointment at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Hospital.  The same ones who nursed me back to health when I was diagnosed with a very high iron level in my blood over two years ago.

Today proved to be a very beneficial day. Most importantly, my blood work turned out fine again as my iron level was within the prescribed levels. As I always say, I am nothing without my health.

When I get my blood labs done, it takes approximately an hour or so to get the results to my doctor. I usually spend the time eating a much needed lunch. As I am very hungry after fasting for twelve hours so they can get a reliable test.

I was already feeling good about myself when after a considerable wait for blood labs, two guys who were sitting across from me began to talk. As they began to discuss how long one of them had waited, he said, "not as long as she has." Referring to me. He didn't know of course how much that meant to me. Years ago, in the same place was where I was referred to as a "fa--ot" by a bigot who was sitting near me.

The cafeteria continued my run of proper pronouns when I was in one of the custom sandwich lines. The guy making my sub sandwich called me mam, as did the cashier as I was headed to find a table. Lunch proved to be more pleasant when I ran into another transgender woman who I had met previously at my LGBTQ support group meeting.  We sat together and chatted until it was time for my appointment.

Even the interstates today seemed to be more mellow, even though it was because my time on the road was at non peak times. Because, I chose not to wait over for today's' support group meeting. 

They just had to carry on without me :)