"Pass" the Makeup Please

If you are not familiar with a site called The Transadvocate,  you should be. They are a top shelf spot featuring transgender issues, features, and discussions. As you may remember, I have mentioned their work several times here in Cyrsti's Condo.

Recently Transadvocate ran a post by Dana Taylor called "On "Passing" As A Woman." She begins by writing:

"Right up front I will tell you that I cringe when I hear passing as a woman in relation to a trans woman. What this really means is passing as a cisgender woman. A real woman, right?"

And a bit later adds:

"They want all women to meet certain stereotypical criteria which includes how you look, smell, walk, talk, etc. We should never tell our sisters that they must meet this criteria to be a woman. Even though you may think you are trying to help this person you may actually be causing damage to them. For instance, there are some trans women who have physical male characteristics that will never allow them to meet the passing criteria. I am one of those women. If I had listened to a lot of advice from trans women on being a woman, I am not sure where I would be today. It is difficult enough to come out and try to be who you are than to have all these other requirements put on you. This can cause some trans women who are not out yet to never come out thinking there is no way they could pass."

I so agree!   I get all sorts of  messages which begin with  saying "I will never pass", I immediately consider one of three things:

1.- If you use the "never" term, you are a success! It will "never" happen.
2.- You are not willing to go through the years of trial and mostly error I have endured with my "linebacker" body to enjoy bits of success. (Did you think I was born with all this "natural beauty?) Kidding!
3.- Most importantly, what are you trying to pass as?

As Dana said above you may fit into a category where indeed you will never "pass" as a genetic woman but is there a problem with "passing" as an attractive transgender woman?

Check out this message I received from a reader the other day:  He said he was afraid to go out and he would need to look exactly like a woman before he did. I told him "good luck with that"! Sure, there are rare guys like the kid on the left who indeed may "pass" in the strictest sense or the British chopper crewman above. The rest of us know our path is beyond tough and has no guarantee of success.

Then, there is the classic example of Stana of Femulate fame. The picture to the right is what she was wearing the day we met for coffee last summer. She is unapologetic about being very tall and in tall heels. I have had comm enters say they are too tall to pass. Obviously Stana doesn't feel that way and she proved it to me as I was able to look over her shoulder at all those men getting lost in all those legs.

The common thread here goes back to what Dana pointed out.
"A woman is a woman who makes her own choices on how she wants to look, dress, smell or anything else that has to do with her own body. If she wants to follow the stereotypical concept of being a woman, she should be free to do so."

She went on to add and I paraphrase, society needs to get the hell over how we want to live and leave us alone - and you know what? We have contributors here in the Condo who are living examples of how society does adjust to us for a change. Pat, Tracy and myself of course.

Let me repeat though "If you tell me you will never "pass", I will certainly take you at face value."

***Go here for the entire Transadvocate post.

Top Ten Rest Room 101...Again

I update this post every now and then here in Cyrsti's Condo because the simple act of finding a place to pee is so difficult for transgender and transsexual women and men.

My quick list. (Your's could be different)

1.- NEVER take your rest room pass for granted. As you read in the news all the time, many peeps will accept you in all public places but the rest room.
2.- DO go for the point of least resistance. For example one of the big box store chains around me actually has their rest rooms in the vestibule before you go in the store.
3.- GET IN and OUT. The longer you play with your hair and make up in the mirror, the greater the chance another woman will take a closer look at you too.
4.-DO wash your hands.  If you are being scrutinized, if you don't wash your hands, you will be more certain to be labeled a guy. The more experience you have, the more you will find the myth of a pristine women's room is just that.
5.- DON'T BE STUPID.    Sit Down to Pee! It's not as dumb as it sounds. Years ago I actually had a woman follow me into a restroom to see if I sat down or not. Be smart though and look down on what you are going to sit on.  Lots of women are found of the Tyra Banks "squat over the toilet to pee" method but not so fond of cleaning up afterward.
6.-MAKE SURE your stall is locked. If you happen to be stuck in one that won't try to hold your hand on it while you go. While we are on the subject of locked stalls, don't hide in one until the room empties of waiting women who have to go.  You will be roundly disliked.
7.-BE PREPARED to wait. Ideally you can monitor a rest room in a place like a restaurant for an idea of traffic but the women's room is tricky. You don't have the neat quick gadgets like urinals for quick turnaround and a woman with a kid or two can really slow the room down. Plus meeting those kids is also tricky. Don't panic though, lots of time Mom is so engrossed with getting the "little darlings" in and out, you are the least of her problems.
8.-PROPS.  If you are stuck in line, have your cell phone ready to "occupy" yourself. Another trick is to carry a pad or tampon. Over the years I have been asked twice. Could be innocent or a simple way to ask do you really need one?
9.-MAKE EYE CONTACT.  It's tough but the restroom is the place to project the fact you are doing nothing wrong. Another hint to pass along is, another woman may smile at you just because she can woman to woman. This is not the macho men's room. Finally, you can also learn volumes about how your presentation is working...good...bad...or ugly by making eye contact. Acceptance, approval, no reaction and real ugly are possibilities.
10.-KNOW WHEN TO RUN.  If the situation gets bad. (I've had the cops called on me a couple times over the years and other UGLY incidents) Just move on as quickly and with as much dignity as you can... Unless you know your local laws protect you and want to make a stand.

Of course there are many more nuances of effectively securing and maintaining your women's room pass-all the way to how you sit on the toilet to mimic a woman's flow. Rest assured, if a woman has her doubts about you and you both got a stall at the same time, she will be listening. Especially if the room was empty and she more or less followed you in just to see what was going on. Turn the tables and listen to see what she is doing. If nothing, be on high alert.

More than anything else we do and learn during the transgender transition process, rest room passes are the most intense. Just be a good student, do your best and you will be fine!

FYI...the places I have felt the most resistance to using the women's room?  Mixed gay and lesbian venues!

Dead Horses and Glue?

We beat a lot of dead horses here in Cyrsti's Condo...in a manner of speaking of course. Wow, I wondered do they still make glue out of dead horses? .Not much any more I guess, why make glue when you can make  hot dogs?

The point of all of this babble is comparing the ghost horse looking over my shoulder to a very real phenomena called "trans-security". More precisely insecurity. 

Take last night as an example, the four walls here were killing me as dead as the horse, so I took the horse to one of my regular watering holes for an "adult beverage". Specifically one of the two places I literally transitioned in. As always, I felt the same old insecurities creep in as my ghost horse and I took a seat at a moderately populated bar.

In a fairly short period of time, a couple of other female regulars stopped by to say Hi before they left. The more vocal of the two was simply gushing about the changes I was going through and how well I was doing with them? I'm getting very good at sniffing out a BS compliment versus a honest one and felt she was being real...However...

Somehow I was born and bred never to accept a compliment.  Growing up I learned the hard way a compliment was simply a way of saying "that's alright but can't you do better?"

The two women quickly went on their way leaving me to bask in the warm glow of the knowledge others were seeing and approving the changes I have been going through. Being me though, I didn't take long to think of how far I have come because of where I started.  It's similar to saying your sales are up 100% over last year...when you were closed!

I'm the first to admit, I committed my share of awful, crazy fashion blunders but as I was beating my dead horse thinking about them, I stopped. For once I accepted the compliment and the positive charge to my self esteem and took the moment to bask in the glow.

All too quickly my horse turned to look at it's backside.  That look is a signal to me to me that I could transcend both genders and be labeled as a "horse's behind". For once I grabbed my purse and my glow and headed home.

I wish I could say last night was another huge step in relieving my trans securities but I know it won't. There are simply too many issues out of my control and being ever aware of my surroundings is the right thing to do.

My guess this step is simply another even bigger leap in the transition process.  Bigger, because this involves rebuilding the non gender inner me and linking to the new me. Who would have "thunk" it?

By the way, do you know the best thing about a ghost horse is? They don't eat much!

Sweet 16!

Cassidy Lynn Campbell broke down in tears Friday night when she learned that she had been crowned homecoming queen but was born male.

The transgender senior at Marina High School in Huntington Beach, California began taking hormone blockers and estrogen injections prescribed by an endocrinologist and made the transition to living as a girl.

 She decided to run for homecoming queen, in part, to make a statement. "If I win it would mean that the school recognizes me as the gender I always felt I was," Cassidy, 16, told The Times before the election. "But with all the attention, I realized it's bigger than me," she said. "I'm doing this for the kids who can't be themselves."


 She succeeded in a big way!

"T'd" Me Off

An article from the Huffington Post recently had me thinking about a recent experience with a guy using the gender slur Tranny with me.  For reasons he would not admit to, a guy showed up in one of my "Google+" Transgender groups. Of course I couldn't let it alone since the original post was referring to the well worn subject of why transgender women carry the stigma of being promiscuous.  Of course he didn't believe in any of that but he and his wife have been looking for a "tranny slave" or two for their domination "fun" group. Not only are all of all "easy" we just love to be dominated!

Let me point out I could care less about anyone's sexual preference or fetish, it doesn't matter to me what most do as long as I'm not hurt...Within legal reason of course. He kept accusing me of that when my main point was his use of the "T" gender slur. Couldn't get him to understand the process was the same as using the "N" word or any number of other racial slurs.  His main argument was the transgender women in the group had no problem with being called a tranny. Very similar to "I'm not a bigot, some of my best friends are black."

Again he would have no part of my point that his "transgender" women weren't.  They probably were fetish cross dressers, gurls or even she males.

Unfortunately the abuse doesn't begin or end with a man like him as documented by Jennifer Finney Boylan  (left)

"Hey, can we have a conversation about the word "tranny"? It's a word that is generally considered dehumanizing and offensive when referring to transgender people, like the "N" word for a person of color, or the "F" word for a gay man. But there it was in headlines last week in the story about DJ Mister Cee, who'd been outed as having had sex with a transgender prostitute (see "Is That You Boo? Mister Cee DRAGGED Out The Closet By Alleged Tranny Lover Who Taped Their Encounter??? [Video]"). There it was in a Daily Beast interview with actor Jared Leto about his performance as a transsexual woman in the new movie Dallas Buyers Club. (Writer Marlow Stern's first question: "How did you summon your inner tranny for this role?") And there it was, virtually everywhere, when Chelsea Manning came out as trans last month, causing editors from The Huffington Post to NPR to go running to their copies of the AP Stylebook for help. Politico's Dylan Byers actually wrote a smart article about the challenge, titled "Manning Switch Challenges Style Editors," which you'll have to admit was putting it mildly."

Of course there is much more to this post which you can read here but I'm going to finish off with this excerpt:

"Once, early in transition, I found myself wandering around L.L. Bean in Freeport, Maine, wearing a wig that would have been better off used as a home for red squirrels. If you didn't know better, you might well have called me some kind of a "hot mess." I still remember the huge eyes with which a small child, holding her mother's hand, viewed me as I drew near. "Mommy," said the child. "Who is that?" To this day I am grateful for the mother's reply. "That," she said, "is a human being."

FYI, I had that wig and the kid said "Big MEAN woman".

Cyrsti's Condo Book Nook

Is it my imagination (fertile ground to be sure) or are there more and more non fiction books these days which are written about the transgender experience?

Here's another:  My Brother My Sister :

Which has been chosen by Publishers Weekly as one of the Top Ten Memoirs of Fall 2013

"On a visit to New York, the brother of well-known film critic Molly Haskell dropped a bombshell: Nearing sixty, married with children, Chevey revealed he was transsexual and would begin to live openly as a woman. Despite her longstanding liberal views, Haskell was dumbfounded.

 In My Brother My Sister: Story of a Transformation, she recounts the steps in Chevey’s transition, while candidly exploring her own emotional journey, from shock and bewilderment after the initial announcement to a place of acceptance, empathy, and love for her sister Ellen. Throughout the book Haskell turns her critic’s eye on herself, but also broadens her lens to include psychoanalytical and scientific research, meditations on sexual anomalies in art and mythology as well as previously published memoirs such as Jan Morris’s classic Conundrum.

 This is a memoir that pulls no punches in its exploration of a controversial, delicate subject. Through Chevey’s transformation into Ellen, Haskell has produced a cultural map of not only her sister’s experience, but of gender roles and transsexualism in a world increasingly governed by notions of individual identity. My Brother My Sister is tender, honest, informed, and at times a humorous must-read for anyone who has ever struggled to discover who they really are."

Look for the review in review in Sunday's NY Times Book Review.

If we again pause to take a look at the "big picture" of transgender mainstream education, this effort from Molly Haskell is yet another person who possessed the knowledge and expertise to push her experience with a transgender family member into the mainstream press.

Go here for more.

We Got Mail!

First time commenter Laine wrote:

"This is my first time reading your blog, care of the link on Google Plus. I keep hoping that I will be able to skip the adolescent phase, but then I run into a wave of giddiness over something that I was never allowed to experience before. I still get bouncy just from having social time with girl friends and it feeling right, us socializing properly rather than with the inherent awkwardness that occurs with boys around. I think part of the Princess phase is that you have to push hard to cross over the line before you find your happy medium, in most cases." Thanks Laine!

"Princess Jim"

Hi Laine and thanks for the comment! Indeed the transgender adolescent phase seems to last forever and in many cases no one (including me) wanted it to end. In reality though, we probably aren't in the "A-phase" any longer than a genetic girl, it's just tougher for us because of the time of life when we happen to be going through it....say 40 something. Plus many times we are under pressure to go adolescence again  totally alone - without the cool social time you mentioned with your girlfriends. I agree, you have to make your way through the process before you have any idea of who you are. The process dictates you rather than the other way around.

Here's where my "Princess" tag came from. Approximately 2,000 years ago as I first became totally immersed with my femme looks in the mirror, my wife was fond of calling me "The Princess". I credit her blunt critiques for getting out me of the mirror and gay clubs and into taking a took at the reality of a feminine life.

She passed nearly six years ago and I often wonder if she ever knew how she unknowingly laid the ground work for my MtF transition. I know I will always feel the impact of a fashion "critique" or two somewhere in my subconscious from her.

I do think though, even the most jaded genetic woman would admit there a little bit of the "Princess" in every woman, genetic or trans.  The princess just adds a touch of mystery or spice to who we are!



.

What Would Thomas Edison Say?

A chance to re-invent yourself? Really? I'm thinking Edison would have to invent the transgender word first of all and take the credit away from Virginia Prince (who didn't coin the term either)

Nice topic.  Many feel they aren't reinventing themselves as they go from one gender to another of their choice. After all,  they were born with a few gender switches in the wrong positions. Indeed they are right.

On the other hand, most don't know immediately of exactly which switches are in the wrong position, what to do about it and have the support structure to do anything about it.

Which means, most of us, transgender women or transgender men simply do carry an imprint from living a life outside of their mental or chosen gender. We learn from observation or participation how the two primary gender binaries dance. For example, most of MtF trans women are up to a passionate debate about the so-called benefits of "male privilege"

So in a sense, no matter how many of the trace elements you are carrying from your birth gender- you do indeed have a chance to reinvent yourself.

Take the guy on the bike to your right.  Growing up as a male child did you wonder why women were mainly attracted to the "bad boys"? But now don't you secretly want to be the "chick" on the back of his bike? Or have his kid? ( Well maybe that's a little extreme!)

The point is, to even consider any of this is as special as it is confusing and painful. Really, how many members of the human race have or considered starting all over in a new gender?

It is also a subject which scares many people outside the transgender community. We make men very uneasy about their sexuality and/or aggravate women who for whatever reason don't want or need perceived competition in their sandbox.  In many circles we are viewed with distrust simply because we have glimpsed behind the curtain of both binary genders, rather than  ignoring the idea we could be ambassadors of understanding.

We trans folks indeed are from a planet between Venus and Mars and have had a special seat on the gender fence since we all lived in caves. Sadly in many cultures we used to be valued for our potentials!  I'm sure you have probably heard of the Native American cultures (and others) who believed in genders between the binary male and female.

Unfortunately, our seat on the fence is ours alone to ponder and it's not without it's own pressure.  As I constantly learn to process the world from a feminine viewpoint, I am guilty of using my male imprint to maximize my life. What bothers me more is though,  I'm also guilty though of not being more understanding of the where's and why's of input then  making the wrong decisions.

Now you will have to excuse me, I have to go jump on the back of a Harley!

Just Plodding Along?

When life slows down for me, I just have tell you all I feel a little guilty. I struggle to write much about my day to day existence.

I can tell you though what I never dreamed would happen and it is.  I appreciate the fact that in the morning, I somehow know immediately if the effects of HRT have stepped up or stayed the same. I love the fact that through a combination of tedious repetition and the effects of feminization I'm pretty much able to navigate the world similar to any other woman. I cherish the group of friends I have, the family that supports me and a person who is crazy to consider spending the rest of her life with me.

I'm an adrenaline driven person, always have been. It's interesting to me how this transition process in essence has become more mundane and how do I feel about it? Is the thrill gone? For the most part it is. Here's an example:  The electric charge of a new outfit or the stepping out the door as a girl just isn't there. Why is this good???

First and foremost my adrenalin rushes were very shallow and didn't give me a real look at what a feminine existence would be. Here's a comparison from "back in the day" when I had a cross dressing acquaintance who was also a fireman on a nearby large urban fire department He often connected potential dots between the excitement of fighting a fire versus dressing as woman.  Ironically, she connected quite a few more dots and finally went through SRS. I have lost track of her but it would be interesting to learn of her feelings now.

So here I sit with my self described "Princess" cross dressing phase way behind me  The problem was, the Princess and I never got along. I had a deep sense of feeling something was still wrong deep inside when I was cross dressed or not. Finally it turned out,  I was given the golden opportunity to search for an answer for myself.

The answer was and is, I needed to transition and in a lifetime of less than intelligent gender decisions, I made the right one.

I'm guessing the feelings I'm having now are just part of the usual gender "re-socialization" process. To be sure I want to have the perfect hair and the best "look" for the occasion but now all of that has taken a back seat to enjoying the company of my friends.

I know it seems I'm just bitchin and whinin.  In reality though, I'm attempting to take all of us through this next step in my transition journey.

As we undertake this most difficult of all ventures, I believe our souls give us direction signs. I was given a very vivid one as I crossed the threshold from cross dresser to transgender.

I was naive enough to think I had arrived as a trans woman then reality set in. Surely, I'm right in the middle of that reality now and the only certainty is, I love it!