It's All Fun Till Someone Puts An Eye Out

Sort of a crazy title? Well no one has ever accused me of taking the easy out or doing things normal.

But what does that have to do about putting an eye out?
Simple! All this time I was having fun and games and it took me this long to find out I was in a game until now.
No more hiding behind the makeup when my male life became too rough. No more weekend forays into the female world.
My life now makes my past seem like playtime.
Not that is bad. Children learn from playing and come out with two eyes. So did I.
All this time I was feeling sorry for myself for having such a late transgendered start. I really wasn't. From the age of 10 or so I was playing and learning in preparation for this part of my life.
The confidence I'm feeling now may be coming from the fact the fun is over and I still have two eyes!

Male vs Female Transgendered Aggression

First and foremost the following post is only written from my experiences and a very difficult post to write.
More than difficult-painful. Please remember I'm knocking on the closest piece of wood (my head) that karma doesn't bring any future pain to me.
Also consider I don't present 100% female, working on it but still identifiable as  transwoman  to many. I'm OK with that.
Finally, none of this is intended as a sympathy ploy, information only. I have considered the sources and I'm past it.
My idea for the post came after conversing with a friend about her no men preferences. I went on to explain why I personally don't believe in that.
As I was going through the reasons, my final one was that four times as many women have been aggressively mean to me as men .I've been lucky. I've out in the public as a woman for at least 10 years. (The last three nearly 100% of my leisure time.) Here's my total Women 4-Men 0.
I have had the cops called on me, been called a exhibitionist and verbally berated. All came from my use of the women's rest room facilities. Of course I look at using the women's room as a necessity number one. Come on, am I going to use the men's room dressed as I am? That's looking for more trouble that I don't want to even imagine. Really. I'm just trying to pee and go my own way.
Of course I have my reasons why genetic women have been so nasty with me. Two out of four were probably 65 or older. They were raised in an era when genders were male or female or hidden. Neither probably had a clue what a transgendered person is. One got her daughter to abuse me for being an exhibitionist? Really? You have to work to be an exhibitionist in a women's room with locked stalls. That experience hurt deeply.
The cop call came from an "unspecified source". I assume from the women who were watching when I went in. The police woman who responded was very professional and nice so the whole experience was just more than embarrassing than anything else. Over and done.
The final one was I truly believe envy driven. That night I just happened to be receiving a ton of positive feedback from women in the pub except her. She just happened to use the women's room as a place to corner me for a little "girl talk" which started with the word "Dude" and went down hill from there.
The reason for the unbalanced score is simple and certainly doesn't excuse men who commit the true violence against transgender people.
In my case I had the nerve to invade the sacred female refuge-the restroom. Enough is enough. Who does he think he is dressed as an attractive female and sitting across from me eating like a normal person???
No matter how advanced (or not) I was in my transition. In their eyes I was nothing more than a man in the women's room. What they don't realize is I and transwomen like me are the future. We aren't going away. The youngest of the four aggressors was at least 35 and they are on the way out. Like it or not the younger generation for the most part could care less. They are being positively influenced by more than a couple positive media images of us for a change.
Believe me all of this is not the main reason I don't exclude men from my social interactions. It doesn't matter much anyway. Most men are so insecure about their sexuality, a transwoman is the last person they want to interact with.
My personal solution to the problem is simple. Women such as that are not stopping me from living my life. Maybe one day I will be completely presentable as a female and it won't matter.
But you know it will always matter to me as long as any of my transgender sisters struggle with acceptance.
In the mean time I just don't want those poor misunderstood men to suffer! Just kidding! I had to add a little humor to such a painful post.

READ THIS!

A must read for all of you in a relationship with a spouse. Specifically a wife who is witnessing your transgender situation!
Follow this link.
Thanks so very much for sharing "Sherri". It means a lot!

Love at Second Sight

 Barry and Anne Watson wanted to renew their
­marriage vows nine years after their first wedding.
This time around transgendered Barry is now called Jayne.
For awhile Anne resisted the idea of her husband becoming a woman. "Ain't" love grand!

The Transgender Potential

I know we all feel the pain of any of the transitions we do or are contemplating doing on our transgendered journey.
Of course transsexuals feel the most physical and financial pain due to SRS. That means absolutely nothing to the crossdressers who are hiding in the closet. The constant stress of hiding their feelings to family and friends is huge. I will throw transgendered people into the category between the two. No favors there! Often a transgendered person is making life choices concerning hormones or more.
Whatever category I have pushed you into, we all have the potential to use our transwoman status for the good.
My BFF has told me a number of times I have a unique chance to reinvent myself and she is right. The challenge to the process for me is to take as much of the good from both genders.
This of course is no unique idea. The movie "Tootsie" comes to mind as an example of a man who crosses gender lines and becomes enlightened.
Now, I don't know if enlightened is the right term.
I do know when we do cross the gender barrier it's a huge mistake if we don't bring our positive baggage with us.
I also know a gender change is not a personality change. The change however can be a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a special person. Very few humans have the opportunity to live the lives we do.
Sure, it was painful getting here. Hopefully the journey will be worth the pain!

Top 10 Reasons I Enjoy Being a Transgendered Woman

I wrote this quick post for another site I contribute to and I thought I would share it with you.
It is quite shallow and covers many stereotypes. I know you all know me pretty well so you can fill in the blanks,
Remember also the post went to a group with a majority of genetic women.

Why?
1.- My life experiences have become so much more intense
2.-I can enjoy the full spectrum of female fashion
3.-I can feel positively wonderful as a woman
4.-Men open doors for me
5.-I have an understanding of what both genders feel.
6.-I'm allowed to touch and be touched appropriately
7.-Girlfriend relationships are so nice!
8.-I have found being a woman is a mental state of mind. Being female is a birth situation.
9.-I love the attention from both genders. **
10.-Because I Can!

** When it's positive of course!

Hormone Happenings

Well as hard as it is to believe, tomorrow will mark week one on estrogen and a "T" blocker.
As expected, not much to report.
If anything I'm feeling more relaxed as a person but that's it.
It's all good! I'm not going to take the whole bottle of "E" and ask for more.
The third attempt at checking my testosterone should be back by next week and my next real appointment with any Doc is the latter part of the month.
It is time to lay back and let the hormones do their work! I'll let you know with weekly updates. Thanks!

Cyrsti's Closet

Lets open the door and see what's there!
"Out.Com" recently ran an article on Hollywood female stars who played men in movies. Out of 7 stars, Cate Blanchett scored the highest.  

Cate as Bob Dylan

Also from Hollywood comes the story about a powerful director "groping" his transgendered niece at a gym. Allegedly she told him her hormone therapy made one of her breasts larger and he checked!

Oscar-nominated film director David O. Russell is being investigated
by police in Florida for allegedly groping the breasts of a
19-year-old woman described as his niece though they are not
blood-related, reports TMZ (pictured above)





Well, the closet is pretty messy today!

Transgendered Admirers

In the complex gendered world we live in, if you are a transsexual, transgendered person or a crossdresser chances are you have encountered an "admirer".
Admirer by definition is a male person who is attracted to one of us. As with any label I know for a fact many men are embarrassed by it.
"Vallin" who follows the blog (and I seemingly run into all over the internet) is a man who speaks to the subject.
One of the longest running threads on "Pink Essence" was started by a man who was attracted to transgendered women.  Vallin's comments on the subject were classic and it was Vallin who sent me this site to take a look at.
"Transpinay Rising" is a blog written by a Filipina transgendered activist and is called "On the Men Who Fancy Us."
Here are some highlights:

There are three persistent memes about men who fancy transwomen. First, is the view of transwomen about the men who fancy them: “These men are just using us to fulfill a sexual fantasy.” Second, the view of general society about these men: “These men are perverts.” And third: “These men are ‘really’ gay men who can’t accept they are gay.”

“These men are just using us to fulfill a sexual fantasy…”

What is sexual fantasy? In their paper “Sexual Fantasy”, Harold Leintenberg and Kris Henning defined sexual fantasy as “almost any mental imagery that is sexually arousing or erotic to an individual.” As sexual beings gifted with the faculty of imagination, we all have sexual fantasies; and most of the time, fulfilling a sexual fantasy includes another person. If we all have sexual fantasies, and if we all fulfill some, if not all, of them with another person (or persons, if you will), what then do transwomen find objectionable about the men who fancy them, who transwomen say are “just” fulfilling a sexual fantasy? In order to have a meaningful exploration of this question, we need to know the context from which this view of transwomen comes.

Perhaps it’s safe to say that in all parts of the world, we, transwomen didn’t grow up in societies that positively accept us for who we are. In our growing years, we transwomen experienced rejection from all social institutions (e.g. the family, school, church) that are supposed to be there to serve as nurturing and nourishing agents to the flourishing of our beings. Furthermore the rejection that transwomen face is not just the typical rejection that starts and ends with a No. Each door that closes to us bears a sign: “You should be ashamed of yourselves." We get so insecure of ourselves: our bodies, our abilities, our existence.

Everyone, of course, has experienced what it means to be rejected. Indeed being rejected can strengthen our fortitude. But if rejection is such a recurring and persistent and systematic loop of events in your life, healing becomes more difficult, leading you to easily build walls of suspicion around yourself. This type of rejection is what deeply breeds fear.

In this state of being rejected and shamed, cynicism becomes an addictive escape. In the comforts of our solitude, our tears carry the dolorous melody of the most mind-boggling question: “Why?” But deep inside our hearts is the ancient longing for the exquisite joy and pain of loving and being loved by someone; however, the ghosts of being rejected and shamed turn love into a Sisyphean task.

Then we encounter a surge of men who fancy us….

Suddenly, we are desired for “what we are.” Porn, dating sites, chat rooms, bars where men can go to meet us sprang like mushrooms. Our hungry egos suddenly got its food: Attention. From being untouchables, we become “desirables.” To be lavished with this kind of attention provides such a great pull out of our “untouchable status." Being rejected and shamed almost all of our lives, we find this attention as an irresistible novelty in our lives, which is so refreshing, so fascinating, so addicting, so ego-inflating! In the TS women’s dating/hook-up scene, two terms are being used to describe these men: Tranny Chaser and Tranny Admirer (My view about these terms will be discussed later).

At first, we became so captivated by the novelty of this attention: Remember how a gazillion of men replied the first time you ever posted an ad on a dating site? How at least ten private windows popped in your screen after you entered a chat room? How men go gaga over the girls in those TS bars? And of course, we find it intriguing that one of the fastest growing and in-demand genre of porn is those that feature us (well, most specially those that feature pre-op and non-op TS women).

But sooner or later, comes a rude awakening. The attention becomes a tiring cycle, a suffocating prison, a source of suspicion. And in our solitude, the whispers of our need for a more meaningful relationship flutter from our depths to beat on the palm of our reflection. We ask: “What do these men want from us?” We take a survey of what’s happening around us. We see BS after BS thrown to us by men after men. We see everywhere an extravagant objectification of our bodies and over-sexualization of our being transgender. It seems that it is “only” through sex these men want to connect with us, that every eye gazing at us just seeks to undress us rather than dive into the depths of our being. Just how many men we've encountered treated us like an exciting dirty secret that they are so afraid to be discovered by their friends, family, colleagues, and, ehem, wives?

And outside porn, are there any visual representations of what it means to be with a transwoman? You can easily count the movies, television shows, or documentaries that are charming, re-assuring, love-affirming, non-sensationalizing, non-sexualized depiction of relationships between a transwoman and a man. This context is such a fertile ground for the paranoia that “We are just sex objects.” Now, add into this, the social-rejection burden that we carry on our shoulders and Voila! we resort to playing the role of a victim who escapes into the hell of cynicism, indulging in self-pity and, worse, self-sabotage. We then unconsciously project this cynicism, self-pity, and self-sabotage in every relationship that we enter into. It takes tremendous depth of emotional intelligence, an integrated sense of self-awareness, and courage to rise above this unconsciousness. It can be such a tall order to transcend the pain that we carry, but it is necessary if we want to invite serenity and stability to enter into our lives and our relationships.

As you can read, she goes totally in depth and even I (with my short attention span) followed most of it.
My own simplified version is simple.
Initially as a transwoman we are validated as females by male attention. (The same as most women.)
When we become sex objects the situation changes. The majority of transwomen are not the kind of girl a guy brings home to Mom and the family. The romantic part of a relationship is out with most men.
But hey! The bottom line is that they are just men and in many ways we face the same obstacles with them as genetic women.