Phil Donahue Eyes.

Remember good old "Phil Donahue"? Phil actually helped the transgendered cause greatly. For the first time ever, he approached the topic with a sense of realism not sensationalism.
In addition to my obvious interest in the subject, I always enjoyed the audience reaction. From indignant refusal to accept to starry eyed stares, Phil's cameras caught them all.
Entering a room full of mixed individuals at a drag show is not unlike being on the Donahue stage.  Many sets of eyes are on you. You are connected with the stage performers if you want to or not.. At many shows, the best looking women in the room aren't women at all.
In my younger days, I used to say "I could run with the queens". High heels and a skirt up to you know where was great fun.  In my "cougar" years my attempt at displaying female sexuality is much more subdued.
At the show I found all was not lost. As I surveyed the room looking for my friend, I did notice a couple sets of "Donahue" eyes staring back at me.
The eyes seem to have a mix of wonder and admiration? I will never really know. All I do know the eyes are good for the ego!

Now I Understand

I really loved the drag show I was invited to recently by a close friend and reader of the blog. Inadvertently my friend showed me what all the fuss has been about all these years. I always wondered why the women I was with became agitated when I looked at another woman.Impossible for a guy.
One of the performers really was impressive in a short denim mini and boots and a tight top. So impressive my friend was intently enjoying the show and I felt at first a little left out. Then I started to think "I have that outfit...those boots" would I get the same attention? A quick no! I don't look as good.
Then I started to think this was just another initiation into the sorority of women.
Thanks my friend! If it matters she did look great in the skirt and boots!

Kin to the "Hood"?

Every once in a while I dazzle myself with how fast I pick up on a female idea or action. Other times I mentally slap myself for days about how slow I am.
One of the "magic chair" occupants the other night was a big girl I've seen a couple times in the places I go. I have appreciated she sort of "goes over the top" with her style. Last night maybe a little to much with the over the knee black suede boots and a frilly very short, tight and low cut dress. Maybe not quite the outfit for a predominantly male drinking crowd.
When she sat down next to me, I thought she would say something to me. She didn't and moved down to the middle of the bar a short time later.
For the briefest moment of "bitchdom" I thought why would I want to talk her? The way she looked?
Then I thought "wait a moment idiot girl" both of you are the real sisters in the crowd. She was trying her best to attract a guy. I was doing my best to exist female in the crowd.
Hopefully, the next time I see her, I can make a new friend. (maybe I can borrow the boots?)

Female Bigots?

Indirectly, this topic led to me getting kicked out of yet another "Yahoo" group.  The wife of one of the moderators of the site took offense to my use of the term "female bigot".
She was especially harsh with her criticism of another member's view of "becoming" a female. You all know my feelings on the subject. No one can make the physical transition from male to female completely now.  Big things like a uterus, ovaries and such stand in the way  She thought.a trans woman could never know what it is really to be female. She would have been correct if she had used it in context that no one knows what it is to be another. She is wrong in that you can accept and learn the female role.
I asked if she was a female bigot? Was there some reason in her mind a trans woman couldn't feel and be a complete female (except for the obvious)? The fact is I have met several happy well adjusted trans girls that are more femme than most genetic girls.
Never knowing when to stop, I asked if she was one of the women who believe a trans girls rest room privileges should be revoked too? How could I miss out on the "super secret" age spot discussions?
Let me climb down off my soap box. Carefully of course in my high heeled shoes... There is no way I could do it correctly (according to her) as I move to the back of the gender girl bus.
Fortunately, I believe female gender bigots are rare. Most of the genetic females I have ever known have been very accepting...exceedingly accepting. This woman's problem may have been rooted in the fact that "hubby" was deeply involved in moderating this group and she didn't want him to go too female.
Understandable but it is her cross to bear!

She Went There!

Last night I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen for awhile.(cis-female)
We exchanged hugs and pleasantries and chatted along about life.
For some reason she asked how I was really doing
The answer that flowed effortlessly surprised even me,although I had given it much thought. I simply said "I'm tired of being a male in any part of my life. Once I figure out the financial considerations. I'm done."
As I said, I obviously have given this considerable thought but really had never vocalized it to myself or anyone.
It was very therapeutic! Perhaps I knew it all along but was afraid to face the girl in the mirror.Maybe her feminine intuition knew it way before me!
We finished the conversation with a brief discussion of the risk of hormones and surgery (which at the time I don't feel a real need for except in the breast department) and went on our ways.
It was very nice to see her and again and even nicer to hear from my "soul girl"!

Under a whole different topic....the pop up box you see on the blog is actually from ":Twitter".  I'm sort of experimenting with using it as more of an immediate input into the blog. So when you see really short incoherent statements, it's more than my incoherent mind. I'm still playing.
For example last night, the seats next to me produced a revolving door of different types of people. From gay guy with straight girl to two women to foreign guy to my friend.. that seat produced it all.
I will have to write you a post about the "magic chair"! It was quite interesting.

Transition?

I recently read a couple great discussions on  blogs I follow concerning the male to female life transition.. I started by reading "Stana's" review on her "Femulate"  blog.
On a personal level, I consider my life experiences as a girl as a transition.  I believe I've mentioned I have not pursued hormones or surgery yet. I have aggressively pursued nourishing my female thoughts and actions.
I guess it's the classic "what came first" question the mental or physical transition.
I'm very fortunate to have been able to mimic a woman physically in my life.  I've found that is the easy part. Over the years I've seen so many guys become the prettiest girls in the room to just become more miserable. Pretty is just the physical manifestation of being a girl.
I consider my interaction and acceptance in the public as a true sign of transition.
When and if I embark on hormones or any sort of surgery. I certainly don't want to be the bitter and lonely girl in the corner.

The "3 S's"of Transgendered Therapy

Sensory satisfaction plays a huge role in my transgendered life. In fact, being transgendered just sort of fades away. Apply what label you want (transvestite, crossdresser or transsexual), the sensual female experience is amazing.
Number three on my list is sound. As I was finishing my grocery shopping last night, I was acutely aware of the click of my heels.  This morning, the soft sound of my flip flops on the floor of the kitchen just made me feel a little more feminine.
Number two is scent. My own personal choice for years has been a vanilla body spray. The spray just gives me a light hint of scent when I move. I spray a touch into my hair which furthers the effect.
Number one of course is sight. From the soft swell of my breasts  to  long hair flowing over my shoulders and down my back provides deep satisfaction.  Toss in my manicured (stick on) nails and a couple fun rings on my fingers and I think you know the rest.
Much of this could be a reverse manifestation of my male life. If I did live full time as a girl, would the feelings be as dramatic? Probably not.
Would I know how the smell, sight and sounds of women effect guys. Absolutely! Maybe more so. After all, there hasn't been a woman born yet who hasn't seen or experienced what her sexuality could do to a guy. It's human nature. Then again, why are so many of us girls addicted to fashion? For ourselves? No for all of you male or female.
I have considered the narcissistic basis of all of this. My answer is yes I want to look as feminine as I can but be the best woman I can. Friendly and soft, I want to be approachable as possible as a transgendered girl in a sometimes crazy world. Then again...that is a whole different topic!

What Came First?

I've been working not so diligently on a "how to" book for guys who want to be girls.
You are right...yet another book? My take on most of the guides I see are that they are written by individuals who were beautiful boys to start with.
They didn't face the same obstacles presenting female as some of us. Different paths exist to arrive at the same goal. My path was different than theirs,,,no surprise.
As I was writing, I started to think of the addiction versus personality argument.  Was my desire to be a girl always as strong as ii is now or was the desire fueled by successes?
 How did I get from the first rush of pulling hose over my legs to the obsessive attention to (girl) detail I have today.
I will never know. In addition I will never know if I was as much girl then as I am now. It is easy to say "yes, I was". Then again, were the times I was called attractive  or "you make a better looking woman" defining moments that pushed me deeper? Each little success made all the failures easier to handle as I started to go out and live female,
The desire to succeed was powerful and the success euphoric. Did the "euphoria" lock me in deeper or was the desire there anyway and I was ignoring it.
Shame on me if I was. All the years of making myself and others around me miserable could have been averted.
I'm guessing but the predilection to be trans was always in me. I was enabled by how I looked but I had the obsession to live trans. In junior high I wanted to be the girl I sat next to.
I have written about my feelings following a couple dates with men. I was surprised on how deep the girl in me went. The experience was more than validating me as a girl.
Some days I feel the journey was worth all the twist and turns. That is what the book describes. Other days, I feel like a fool.
One thing is for certain. The past is the past. The only thing we can do with it is learn and pay forward to help others!

What's all the "Bralalalala" all about?

From her "Bio"...'Bralalalala is a widely acknowledged talented rock singer and songwriter first and foremost. However, the fact she has lived as a transgender/crossdress/TS/TV whatever her whole life has uprooted her from society and family. Bralalalala's wealthy family has refused to see her since she was in college as a result of her beauty harming their eyes. Bralalalala appeared on national television ABC in 2000, termed a "rock star" on ABC's "Moral Court," yet was told "he" had no business to not expect to be faced with discrimination for being trans DESPITE having musical talent galore.'
I found her to be interesting in that I had never heard of her over the years and the "Bralalalala" site reads like a third party Hollywood bio!