Meeting in Person

JJ Hart in a warmer time.

Do you remember the moment you met your authentic self in person?

Looking back, I can recall several profound moments when I saw the feminine person I was always meant to be. My earliest memories came when I was quite young in the days when I was first experimenting with my mom's makeup and clothing. Even though I probably looked like a clown, the mirror told me I was beautiful. No matter what I looked like, I refused to face the truth. 

It was not until much later in life, when I began to realize how much work it was going to take to really see my true self, did I get serious. If I was going to make it to my dream of transgender womanhood, I would have to profoundly change my way of thinking. The first change I made was how my male ego interacted with my appearance the public saw when I went out for the first times. 

The truth of the matter was, if I dressed "down" to blend in with public, I received very little attention, so I started to dress too trashy to please my old male self. What quickly happened was I attracted the wrong type of attention and did not pass well. Or, at all. Back to the cross-dressing drawing board I went time after time until I drove my male ego out to the point where I was successful in blending in with other women in the world. What were the women wearing and when were they wearing it became my motto. The time I spent was worth it when success as a novice transgender woman was becoming mine. 

Suddenly, my visits to the mirror became more and more friendly. I adjusted to the fact I would never be the prettiest woman in the room, but I could rely on other feminine attributes to get by. I began to closely study other women who may not be the most attractive, yet still be popular, fulfilled women. What I did was, I began to concentrate on what my new personality would be as a transgender woman. After all, I had an unique opportunity to start all over again as a human being. My new time was a scarce commodity, and I could not miss my opportunity to do it right. 

I was fortunate in that I already had a women friend who was ready to help me. She had been there all along, just waiting for her turn to lead my life. She was the feminine inner me. It turns out she was a nice person who saw the best in others. When I met her in person, I was excited and knew I was in good hands.

I was in good hands and began to expand my small circle of friends in the world. My wife Liz and I started to go to small and medium sized "Meet Up" groups in Cincinnati where I learned the benefit of a different group of strangers accepting me. None of us knew each other previously, so I was on an even level with them. The great equalizer. 

All of the process was extremely beneficial when it came to meeting myself in person until I became used to it. Perhaps the best part of the entire process was the time I realized I had really expanded myself as a woman, transgender or not.

Not Scared? In the Wrong Room

 

Image from Alexandra Gorn
on UnSplash.

I cannot begin to tell you how terrified I was to interact with the public when I first began to attempt to live in the public's eye.

One night in particular always stands out in my mind. It was the evening when I had pre-determined my cross-dressing days were behind me and I was going out as a transgender woman. Furthermore, I knew if I was successful, it would change my life forever. As I prepared for my big night out, I took extra care with my outfit, makeup and hair. I wanted to make sure I blended properly with all the other women I would be interacting with at an upscale bar I was going to which was heavily frequented by professional women who worked at a nearby mall.

Once I made the short trip to the venue and found a parking spot relatively close to the front door. As I sat in the parking lot, the pressure to go in increased dramatically. As I nervously checked and adjusted my makeup in the car's rearview mirror, again and again the fact was not lost on me I could be changing my life forever. By the time I gathered my courage to actually enter the venue, I could barely breathe and was gasping for air. 

It took me awhile to gather my courage and enter the front doors of the place and interact with the hostess stand. Deep down, I was hoping the hostess would be busy seating other patrons so I could sneak on through and find a seat at the bar. The short distance from the hostess stand to the bar seemed to be miles to me but I made it and luckily found a corner seat at the bar by myself. Plus, the bar itself was supported by two large thick pillars. I figured if I found a seat next to one, I could blend in and hide if I needed to. I did not need to hide as I was approached for my order by a friendly bartender. 

Immediately, my fears began to melt as I ordered my first drink and even started to relax a bit and watch all the other women who had begun to arrive at the bar to enjoy each other's company. As I observed the group, I saw no one was noticing me. So far, so good. No one noticed a very scared novice transgender woman in their group. 

Of course, this evening was only the beginning of my new transgender journey. I knew my life had changed forever. I could never go back to the old unwanted, boring male life I was living. To move forward, there would be many nights when I would be very scared. Somehow, I learned to feed off my fear to propel me forward. No longer was I a weekend cross dresser, I was reborn as a very serious transgender woman.

My end game was using fear to refine my push forward by putting extra time and effort into my fashion and makeup. That way, when I needed to walk past a crowd of strangers in a new venue I was in, I could do it without any issues. 

I finally decided, if I did not feel any fear at all, I was in the wrong room. Especially, in today's climate, it pays to always be aware of your surroundings. Maybe fear is a strong word, but awareness is not. 

Happy Valentines Day

 

Happy Valentines Day Liz!!!

Admittedly, I have never been much of a romantic, as a former man or a woman. Over the years, I have started to change as I entered transgender womanhood. 

After my wife passed away, I was intensely lonely and began to look around for company. At first, I started by going on-line under various platforms. For example, one week I would list under woman seeking woman, then the next week, I would list under woman seeking man. In total, predictably, I received very few responses. None, I considered quality except one and her name was Liz who contacted me under woman seeking woman. She was from nearby Cincinnati.

In the meantime, I did make a couple other lesbian friends out of sheer will power by forcing myself into going out and being social. The first friend was introduced to me by her daughter at one of the sports bars I was a regular in. The daughter noticed I was always alone and thought it would be fun to do a little matchmaking.  The great part is, we still are friends to this day. 

Then one night when I was out to be alone, another woman came in to pick up a to go order and ended up sliding a note down the bar to me. We ended up meeting and she became part of a small group of women I partied with almost nightly. Plus, as I always say, these two women taught me so very much on what it would be like to live life as a woman, more than they will ever know. 

By now, you may be thinking, were there any men in my life? Yes, there were a few including all the ones who would stand me up on dating sites. I did have a couple memorable dates with guys which never went beyond the kissing stage. Even though I enjoyed being on the other side of the dating spectrum, I still much preferred the company of women. Especially when I was accepted for me. I was satisfied on where I was in my dating preferences and saw no need to change. Plus, when I went to lesbian mixers, I found I could further my preferences as a transgender lesbian.

Perhaps my biggest discovery was how many lesbians were not of the "gold star" variety which meant in their past they had some dealings with men. With me, they found a curious gender middle ground which the majority of insecure men were afraid to pursue. During this learning portion of my life, I ended up enjoying myself immensely.

What I have left out of all of this on purpose was my interaction with Liz. Through it all, we had continued to talk back and forth. Once I was brave enough for her to hear myself on the phone. We finally arrived at the point where her and a group of women friends from work were going to a drag show near Cincinnati. The drag show ended up being our first date nearly fourteen years ago. Obviously, everything went well and ten years later, we were married. 

On this Valentines Day, I credit Liz with being the only woman who ever told me she never saw any male in me at all. In many ways, she helped me back on my feet after some rough years of my life. Happy V-Day, Liz!