Finding New Friends

 

Image from Dave Goudreau
on UnSplash

In an extension of yesterday's post, I promised to write another post explaining how I found a complete new circle of close friends as a transgender woman.

As it turned out, going out to be alone resulted in me being embraced by several other cis women I met in person in the venues I became a regular in. The first came when I was approached by a bar tender who was always very kind to me and treated me with respect. One night she asked me if I would consider meeting her lesbian mother for a drink. Without hesitation I said yes  and a friendship was formed which continues to this day. Her name is Kim and she is the person who included me in a small group of family and friends who went one night to a NFL Monday Night Football game. Of course during that time, I was still fairly new to going out in the world as a transgender woman and this would be a major undertaking.  Attempting to blend in and enjoy an entire pro-football game with my ill fitting wig was going to be a challenge and I was terrified I would be spotted and harassed by another drunk fan. But I wasn't and the game went off without any big problems. In fact, the only big one was my team was defeated and I had to accept it as the new woman I was. The whole experience will go down as one of the major coming out points of my gender journey. Proving once again to me I was much more than a casual cross dresser or transvestite and quite possibly learn to live full time as a transgender woman. Kim's kindness will forever be appreciated.

The second of three lesbian cis women I met was Nikki. In the years that have gone by, she has been off social media and I have lost contact with her. We met (similar to Kim) in a venue I was a regular in. One night when I was doing my usual being alone, Nikki came in to pick up a to-go food order. While she was there she glanced down the bar at me and sent a message down to me. Sadly, I don't remember now what the message said but we ended up meeting and drinking together for several years afterward. Usually, Kim, Nikki and I would meet somewhere and watch sports or just talk. Plus, Nikki is the person who got me involved in going to Lesbian mixers with her and Kim. Since I had support, usually the mixers were a good time and as always I learned a lot.  One night I was even asked to be a "wing person" and was asked to summon my courage and ask another woman to respond to Nikki's desire to know her. I thought, I only live once, so why not.

The third woman I met came from an on-line dating site. Of course I needed to work my way through tons of rejections and trashy people before I stumbled upon a big winner. To expand my experience and the possibility of finding someone I always told the truth about being transgender, To change it all up, I would sometimes go on the women seeking women page and on occasion reverse it to men. One day I received a response from a nearby person who lived in Cincinnati, Ohio. This all happened nearly twelve years ago and the woman who contacted me was my current wife Liz. To this day, she is very open to anyone who is interested that she picked me up because I had "sad eyes." From there we started to write each other after work daily until I had enough courage for her to hear my voice over the phone. Finally we decided to meet in person when I asked her out to a drag show which was happening at a venue nearly halfway between where we both lived. To make a long story short, we enjoyed ourselves and have been together ever since. Plus we were just married last October. 

Along the way, I felt my success in being able to locate and keep the relationships I did came from me going full circle in life. My good times made up for the extreme low points I felt when I was so lonely and confused due to my gender dysphoria. To this day, I am never shy of giving the new friends I found the credit they deserve for helping me with my intense MtF gender transition.

 

Keeping Secrets

 

Image from the
Jessie Hart Collection

These days as my memory tries to fade in situations I want to remember, I struggle to understand how I ever was able to pursue a life as a novice cross dresser. 

The only thing I do know is somehow I became a very skilled person in hiding my small wardrobe of clothes and when I could wear them. Very early I was able to combine my meager allowance I earned from working around the house with money I earned from delivering newspapers. I was fortunate in that my Grandma lived in town within walking distance of several of the old five and dime stores which sold makeup as well as a small selection of women's clothes. It was scary and exciting when I could visit her, sneak away, go downtown, and try to shop for my own feminine accessories. My memory has not failed me when I remember how terrified and confused I was when I made my own tentative steps to purchase items. First I needed to figure out what I was going to try to buy and then buy it. I was certain the clerk who checked me out would stop and ask me what I was doing with all my selections but of course she never did. 

Another problem I had when I went downtown was my Dad worked nearby the stores I was going to. I certainly did not want to meet up with him with purchases such as lipstick or panty hose. Happily, I never did. Then, once I returned to Grandma's, I needed to hide my treasures from her and begin to figure out how I was going to sneak them into the house past the two most inquisitive members of my family. My slightly younger brother and my Mom. I can't imagine now how I did it but somehow I managed. Slowly but surely I was able to end my reliance with trying to wear my Mom's clothes and use her makeup. Except for using her electric razor to shave my legs. How did I ever get away with that? You would think someone in my family would notice my hairless legs but no one ever did as I was hooked on the electric sensation when I put on panty hose with freshly shaved legs. 

I know one of the ways I found a semblance of privacy to cross dress as a girl came when I had acquired enough clothes in my wardrobe to hide a second small "stash" in an old hallowed out tree in the woods next door to our house. After school, I was able to slip away from my brother before my parents came home from work and visit my "wardrobe" in the woods. The entire process was far from ideal but I was able to feel the sensations of the clothes and it was enough to get me by.

I suppose the whole process of growing up with gender dysphoria taught me how to be a better sneak. Which I was never proud of. I was so sad I needed to keep such an important part of my life so hidden from the rest of the world. It turned out to be the beginning of a gender process which continued as I finally went through the process of transitioning into a transgender woman. Several of my least favorite memories which are still vivid (sadly) are when I tried and failed to sneak around on my second wife. Even though she had bent over backwards to help me as well as she could with my cross dressing, I still had to try to sneak around and do more as a novice transgender woman learning the world. Of course she would find out on occasion and all hell would break out. 

Keeping secrets was certainly no fun and with my straight forward personality, I don't know how I was able to keep up my all male  appearances but I did. Perhaps not remembering all that I went through is just a case of selective gender memory.    

Transgender versus Bi-Polar

Image Courtesy Fa Barboza on
UnSplash 

Years ago, when I was diagnosed having a Bi-Polar disorder, suddenly a portion of my life I had struggled through so long made sense. At the time I was going through terrible long lasting mood swings that often lasted for days on end. On some days I found it very difficult to even get out of bed and go to work. Plus, to make matters worse I tried to self medicate with immense amounts of alcohol.  At the time I was seeing one of the only gender psychologists in Ohio at the time. Ironically, she almost said immediately she couldn't "cure" my gender desires to be a girl but started to question me in depth concerning the immense mood swings I was suffering through. After a very short time she explained to me my moods were not all attributed to my gender dysphoria but in reality I was suffering Bi-Polar issues. 

At the time, I was relieved. She started me on medications which I remain on to this day. In addition I was able to separate the problems which were hurting my everyday life. At times it seemed unfair I needed to live with being transgender as well as Bi-Polar at the same time. But who ever said life would be fair (said my parents). 

Once I found my way into the Veteran's Administration health care system, I needed to separate my two main issues. I certainly did not want one issue to interfere with the other and somehow the "experts" would say my Bi-Polar condition was due to me being transgender. Then my quest to be approved for hormone replacement therapy would be rejected. At this time I was assigned to a therapist I would never forget. Destiny was smiling on me and way back then there were few therapists who knew little to nothing about transgender issues. Defying all the odds, I was assigned to one of the few VA therapists who did. She never questioned  my two issues and immediately began to fill out and approve the paperwork to allow me to begin HRT.  At the same time she cleared the way for me to continue my Bi-Polar treatment so my moods and excess anxiety was kept under control.  I was with my therapist non stop until last month when both of us decided it was time to conclude our sessions since so many others needed it too and VA staffing levels weren't getting any better. I am extra fortunate also to have an understanding wife  who can help with any of my mental health issues. 

In my past I have encountered several other transgender individuals who said as soon as they completed their gender transition all their anxiety and/or depression faded away.  I was just not as fortunate.  For better or for worse it seems my Bi-Polar issues are irrevocably intertwined with me being a transgender woman. It is something I just had to learn to live with. With a lot of help!

The Pain of Gender Transition

Image from UnSplash

When anyone states gender dysphoric individuals or gender fluid folks who seek to live as their authentic selves did it because they  had a choice, I think they are crazy. They obviously don't  know anything  how much pain and suffering goes into our journeys.  Most of us from our earliest days grew up with unapproving parents. It took me until my early twenties to come out to my Mom. Which at that time I was rudely rejected by the offer of psychiatric treatment. At the same time I never came out to my Dad and both of my parents have long since passed on. In fairness to both of them, at that time, there was very little information available on any gender issues. 

Even still, none of that excuses the pain I suffered. I went through days and even weeks wondering currently exactly which gender did I want to be on any given day. Of course the more I researched my mind, the more I knew I wanted to be feminine. I just couldn't find a path to get there. Plus, once I started to find my way, I needed to figure out if it was the correct path and what were the roadblocks going to be in the future. As it turned out, there were plenty.

As I always mention, the thought of losing my male privilege's as well as friends, family and work consumed me. The pain led me to drink too much alcohol as well as developing an active self harm personality. 

As far as my male self went, I fought every feminine encroachment as hard as I could but it seemed the only way I could numb the pain was to give in to my gender desires. No matter how many times I tried to relieve the pressure to be feminine by cross dressing, all was good for approximately three days or so before the urge to present my femininity began to build to a pressure point I could barely maintain. In the meantime my old male self became a disaster to be around. To this day, I don't understand how the significant others in my life stayed around me. On many days I didn't want to be around me. 

As my pain and suffering continued and even increased the tearing of my inner self approached the point of no return. I made it to the point I thought death would be an improvement to the way I was living. A place I found no one should ever be but an overwhelming number of  transgender are. In itself, the threat of suicide should prove to the doubters being transgender is far from being a choice. It is a deep desire and need. 

Sadly the transgender transition path is lined with many obstacles along the way. Once we conquer one roadblock more complex ones crop up. The whole process again proves those following it are in it for the long term and it was never just a choice.   The pain was real.

Sweet Revenge

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection

 I wish to thank everyone who responded to my recent post which dealt (among other things) with my self destructive attempts at self harm. Tragically it is a theme which resonates deeply within the transgender community. 

Now, since I survived a very bumpy road down my gender path. I like to think back and enjoy just a bit of sweet revenge. Too many times it would have been easier to turn around, purge my feminine clothes and wigs and go back to my male lifestyle. I could have reclaimed my male privilege and moved on like nothing happened. Through it all, I faced all the challenges, learned and finally arrived at the other end of a long dark tunnel. It all began in my very dark and very lonely gender closet as I suffered from gender dysphoria. As I continued my journey, there were too many false road marks to guide me and I suffered setbacks. It was during these set backs I resorted to deeply self destructive behaviors.  I took too many risks behind the wheel and drank way too much alcohol as I wrote about previously. In addition to all of those, I even lost a job when my gender dysphoric behavior got the best of me and I took it out on others. 

In desperation I made appointments with one of the only gender knowledgeable therapists at the time in Ohio. She was upfront with me when she said she couldn't help my gender issues but did diagnose my bi-polar ones. Which helped me immensely with a portion of the severe mood swings I was going through. The end result was once again I discovered there would be no magical cure to me wanting to be a girl and I was essentially on my own again. Back in those days, in the early to mid 1980's, there simply wasn't the information available to help any LGBT individuals, especially those with severe gender issues. In addition, I was guilty of expecting too much from my therapy. I was new at the process and just didn't understand the benefits and drawbacks. 

These days, as I come to the end of long series of appointments with my highly motivated and qualified Veterans Administration therapist, I have so many memories of the assistance she has given me over the past ten years. It was her who in many ways helped me in plotting my sweet revenge when she initially provided me the paperwork to begin hormone replacement therapy with the VA. Then she helped me again with paperwork which forwarded my gender marker changes which happened over seven years ago. By gender markers, I mean all the legal identifications I needed to process to change my gender legally through the courts and other places. 

Although, since I have been living for years now as a successful transgender woman , I still don't have all the revenge I so desired when I was younger. Back in those days, I couldn't wait to be prettier and drive a nicer car than my fiancé who dumped me with no warning before I was drafted into the military. Now, with my younger and prettier days behind me, I have mellowed to what is really important in life. My daughter, grandkids and wife who support me.  At the age of seventy three my own personal revenge is staying healthy enough to appreciate my gender journey and what I learned from it. 

 

Alawys Going Somewhere

Image from Louis Paulin
On UnSplash

 Back in what I call my formative years, I grew used to trying to outrun my problems. Between college and my military service I literally was moved or decided to move on my own an average of every year and a half. It all started when I left home for college for a year and a half. Amazingly, during this time my gender dysphoria disappeared and suddenly I was free to live a somewhat normal gender life. I say normal because during this time I had several dates with girls from the East Coast who were much more sophisticated sexually than anything I had seen in my shy Midwestern upbringing. In fact, my Mom unknowingly set me up with my first sexual experience with one of her older (not a minor) students where she taught high school.  I think she was nineteen and I was eighteen, so I had a lot to learn. 

The school I went away to was one a group of Midwestern Ivy League schools for students on the East Coast who couldn't make it into the top notch schools or universities in their back yards. What happened was I ended up partying with my friends mainly from Philadelphia and Baltimore and not studying enough to maintain grades to not get drafted into the Vietnam War. After a year and a half I picked up and moved back home to attend a much more academically forgiving nearby university where I could thrive. Which I did by even making the Dean's List several times before I graduated. More importantly to me back then was the fact I was drawn back into my old cross dressing memories of home while I was able still to land a Disk Jockey job at a small local radio station which happened to be owned by a very powerful congressman which turned out to be very important to my future. For awhile I was quite satisfied with satisfying my cross dressing desires by putting on my feminine clothes when my parents weren't around just like the old days while at the same time attending to school while I built my self a career in the commercial radio business. 

Just when I thought I had it all together, Uncle Sam came along with several all expense paid tickets to work and travel in exchange for three years of my life. I was able to salvage my radio career with the help of the congressman I worked for but my cross dressing would certainly have to be on hold for the foreseeable future. My first move was a bus trip to beautiful (?) Ft. Knox in Kentucky for Army basic training. I didn't get to see any gold but I saw many fellow recruits going through tank infantry school. A nice way of saying they were headed to Vietnam to be cannon or grenade fodder for the war. Basic was tough but not tough enough to wash out any or all ideas I had of ever following my feminine dreams. In fact in many ways I think basic just made my dreams stronger because I couldn't wait to get out and live them.

Following Basic at Ft. Knox, little did I know the amount of travel Uncle Sam had planned for me. It all started innocently enough by getting transferred for advanced training at the Defense Information School in relatively close by Indianapolis, Indiana. It was close enough to my home I could drive back and forth for weekends and leave but not close enough for me to cross dress when I was home. It turned out I wasn't going to stay in Indy long before I was sent to Thailand along with my close knit classmates to help run a radio/tv station in Udorn which had recently been destroyed by a battle damaged F-4 fighter jet which crashed at the end of the runway killing all working in the station. Since we were Army working for the Air Force, we received extra pay to live off base. Of course living off base put me face to face with the Thai Ladyboy culture. As advertised, many were indeed beautiful but all I did was admire from afar. I was afraid of any stigma which would have been attached to me if I had tried to know any of the alluring creatures further. 

After my year in Thailand, I was trying hard to get assigned to Europe and work for the AFN Radio Network. I finally did make it but not with more moving around. What happened was I had two sets of orders. One verbal and one paper. I decided to follow the one on paper and report to the Aberdeen Proving Grounds in Maryland for duty in their information office. What turned out was I wasn't supposed to be there and was sent back home with another weeks worth of leave before I had to leave for Germany, where I wanted to go to start with. After all those convoluted military moves I finally had the chance to live out my dream of seeing Europe because once again I received extra pay to live off base.

I am fairly sure all of this moving affected me in many ways when I was honorably discharged from the military and through with school. More on how it affected my gender dysphoria in another post. 

Gender Trigger Warning

 I love watching classic vintage movies. I especially love it when I see my love interest Robert Mitchum  or better yet get a brief view of a cigarette girl in a swanky nite club. As a youth I was always fascinated by Mitchum without even knowing why. Looking back now, I believe I had my first crush on a member of the male gender. I loved his cool yet aloof style. 

What really set off my youthful gender dysphoria were the cigarette girls peddling their toxic goods. I loved their hourglass figures squeezed into slinky black leotard tops. Worn with dark tights or stockings and heels of course. I thought at the time what a great idea for a Halloween costume but soon after that smoking was going out of fashion and I have never been a smoker. 

What never went away was my desire to be a sexy woman. I suppose my ideal was to be able to sell Robert Mitchum a pack of cigarettes as a sexy sales girl. 

I think my next crush on a male person, this time a real one, came in high school. I had a very close friend who I may have been a little too close to. We were literally the best of friends. I should point out nothing of a sexual nature ever happened but I can't say I never fantasized about being his girlfriend. All of this was an extension of my dysphoria working over time. 

Ironically, the older I became the fewer crushes I had with the male gender. I finally came to a point when being with a man was simply a validation of me being a woman. Being on the arm of a tall good looking man was my new fantasy. Then, when I learned I could attract more feminine attention than male attention. I didn't desire men at all. Even though I did have a couple quality male dates over a period of time. Especially the time Bob and I had a wonderful evening over a few drinks and the vintage motorcycle man I met after his ill fated marriage. Neither were fated to last for a number of reasons. Bob lived a distance away and my motorcycle crush ended up moving away shortly after we met. 

Both to me, including the other crushes I had were quick gender triggers. So quick, it took me many years and more wisdom to even realize exactly what they were.

Gender Euphoria's Backlash

This is an extension of yesterdays post which went into detail of one of the highly successful Halloween parties I went to. In recap, the evening turned out to be so successful gender euphoria ruled my life for several days following. 

Halloween with Kathy
Photo Jessie Hart

By the time this happened, I should have been able to predict it would occur again almost down to the day. Essentially the pressure of being unable to explore my feminine self became so great I nearly could not stand the pressure. The more pressure I felt, the harder to live or work with became. I was so jealous of any cis woman who I perceived was so fortunate to be born female and having the chance to grow into a woman. It was all a throw back to when I was young and woke up in the morning wanting to be a girl. 

Later I learned my all too brief trips into cross dressing as a woman just wouldn't last. My gender backlash would soon be back to haunt me. I also found out, the more intensely pleasurable the cross dressing experience was, the stronger the need to repeat the process. As knowledge of gender became more well known, what I was going through was gender euphoria versus gender dysphoria. In scientific terms, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  

In the case of the Halloween party I wrote about, the euphoria I felt from feeling I was able to compete appearance wise with the other women I was with was intense. In the days following my adventure, it didn't take long for my gender dysphoria to set in. When it did set in, it did it with a passion. I couldn't stand to look at my male face in the mirror in the morning and my day automatically started on the wrong foot. Once again I was stuck wondering why I couldn't live a feminine life more often. My inner self who was feminine in nature was screaming to get out. 

My entire reason in writing this post was my desire to point out no matter how pleasurable to finally burst out of my gender closet it was during these Halloween adventures, finally learning I had a deeper need to be a transgender woman was slowly but surely ripping me apart. When I say was nasty coming down off my gender euphoria I mean it. I was fired from one job for how I treated my employees and almost lost several others. Finally I had to tell my bosses I was undergoing anger management training when in fact I was going to a gender psychologist. It saved my job and helped somewhat with my dysphoria. 

Halloween was such a learning experience for me, I craved the euphoria when I achieved it which was not always the case. Some Halloweens were more special than others and if I knew then what I know now, I would have recognized the true depth of all my gender issues. Putting on the feminine clothes was all well and good but it turned out the clothes were just the tip of the gender iceberg.  One thing is for sure, I would have understood the negative aspects of  backlash better.

Wednesday Hump Day

 Or should I say ""dey" in support of the Super Bowl bound Cincinnati Bengals whose rallying cry is "Who Dey think is going to beat those Bengals! More on the game for later this week.

In the meantime, hump day can mean a certain tipping point for any transgender women and men. Or how far do you go in your gender transition before there is no turning back. You have discovered how natural it feels to be your authentic self and want to live it full time.

I spent years researching my life to see if I could cross the gender frontier. In fact, if the truth be known, I spent too long trying to live as both binary genders. One week I would spend as much as three days experiencing life in a feminine world before I went back to my boring daily world doing my best to act like a macho man. 

I was stubborn and seemingly thought out every angle such as telling family and friends and of course

considered the all important financial aspect of transitioning, The entire process to me was similar to a  gender teeter-totter. Up and feminine one day, down and male the next.

I also considered the process as slipping down a slope which became increasingly steep and slippery. Finally what happened was I couldn't take the stress any longer and decided to make the jump, transition, and live as my more natural feminine self. 

What turned out to be one of the most momentous decisions in my life was not to be undertaken alone. Over a relatively short amount of time I developed a small group of women friends who helped to make my landing softer and tip the teeter totter permanently in the feminine direction. They all mean more to me than I can ever say. 

On this "Hump Dey" I hope all of you still locked in a dark gender closet find a light at the end of the tunnel which is not the train. Whatever seems permanent today, can change quickly tomorrow.  

Material World

 This actually was posted in 2021 in Cyrsti's Condo but is still relevant today:

And, as Madonna would say, I am a material girl. Then again, don't all of us have to be one way or another? Unless you are living off the grid and probably aren't reading this at all. 

Picture after first hair appointment
Credit: Cyrsti Hart

Actually, I am a very basic transgender woman. Give me a comfortable pair of jeans or leggings, add a tank top and tennis shoes and I am happy and secure as the transgender woman I am. Ironically as basic as I am, I still dress more femininely than my partner Liz who is a cis gender woman. Meaning she was assigned female at birth.

Backtracking a bit, when I first began to explore the feminine world in public, I was much more materialistic. All my accessories such as jewelry, purses, shoes etc. were so much more important to me. All my attention to detail worked too when I was complimented on my appearance by other women. 

All went well until I really started to transition, aided by the effect of hormone replacement therapy. One of the first changes that happened was I was fortunate and my hair really started to grow. So much so that my daughter gifted me my first visit to her upscale hair salon as a birthday present after I had come out to her. The visit remains in my mind as one of the most exciting yet scary experiences of my life as I crossed the gender frontier. Having to walk the "gauntlet" of women who had nothing else to do but to watch and judge me was amazing pressure to say the least. 

I learned too, it was a material world when all of the sudden I was paying to have someone else take care of my hair. My old twenty dollar haircuts at a barber shop were long gone. Also when I was going out, I had to learn there was a back to my head also. All those years of wearing a wig had spoiled me. Of course I could simply turn the wig around on it's stand and brush it out. 

Another of the main problems I faced as I MtF gender transitioned was the cost of trying to maintain two wardrobes. Along the way I was biased because shopping for the feminine side was so much more fun and satisfying. Once I settled into my feminine natural role and quit cross dressing as a guy, of course the costs went down.

I suppose it could be argued we all live in a material world. Transgender women may experience it all in such a unique way. which is nothing different in our overall experience. Once I decided to take the total leap of faith and transition into my authentic feminine life it was as if a giant weight had been taken of my shoulders. I was so tired of fighting my gender dysphoria. 

Finding myself in a material world was well worth it.

Monday Inspiration

 This is especially directed to you cross dressers or novice transgender women struggling to find your way out of your closet.

The Path

 Over the years of writing Cyrsti's Condo, among other things, I have discovered how similar yet different our paths become as we pursue the quest to live as our authentic selves. I have no way to really confirm this but I feel (from the comments I receive) many readers are of the approximate age I am. So I can compare my story with yours. 

Cluttered office-Cluttered mind. 
Photo courtesy Cyrsti Hart

If you did grow up in the pre internet dark ages, you don't need me to remind you how lonely the time was. I spent years thinking I had to be the only boy who wanted to be a girl. I did the best I could by trying to compete in male activities such as sports as I over compensated  for my feelings. 

Perhaps (like Connie) you followed a similar path or on the other hand you were bullied growing up. Neither with good results. At the least, we all turned into survivors. I made it through with my small precious "stash" of girls clothes and make up. When the very few times my parents and brother were gone, I managed to cross dress out of my boring boy clothes and into my exciting feminine garments. Unfortunately, the more I was able to escape the doldrums of being male, the more I wanted to be a girl. Little did I know, I was a girl cross dressing as a boy. 

Of course back in those days too, no one really knew much about being transgender and/or gender dysphoria. I am sure many of you remember how long it took to stop the medical world from calling us mentally ill. Our parents, far from being understanding to begin with, had little or no information to help us if they wanted to. My parents being from the WWII generation were long on material support and short on emotional help.

Perhaps also as life progressed you took the military or marriage road out to "making you a man." Predictably with less than stellar results. I was in the Army, served three years all along wishing I was in a dress. The fortunate ones among us ended up with supportive spouses and family when we entered the world as our true selves. So many aren't so lucky. 

As we age, ironically, the path doesn't become any easier. Now we face the harsh reality of assisted care living. All it takes is one or two misguided individuals to force you back into the closet you worked so hard to escape from.

Yes the path is rocky but no one ever said crossing the gender frontier was going to be easy. Look at it this way. When you make it, perhaps you make the journey easier for the next transgender person in line.   

Staring into a Blank Screen

 Over the years here in Cyrsti's Condo I have written about my battles with the mirror. Very early in the process of cross dressing I was positively in love with my girlish image. 

Later on though, as I started to journey out in public as a feminine person, I learned the hard way how the mirror can lie. 

This morning as I caught myself staring into into a television screen which wasn't on, it jogged my memory all the way back to my past days of learning with the mirror. Slowly but so unsurely I was learning to blend and to dress for other women, not men. My problem was I went overboard dressing to accentuate my so called positives. I listened to all the women who told me I had great legs and went too far with mini skirts and heels. The results were predictable and sometimes even clownish. 

Ironically, at the same time, I had nice clothes too. The night when I first decided to go out and blend in with professional women getting off of work in an upscale venue went as well as could have been expected when I calmed down and started to breathe. For the occasion I chose a black pantsuit, flats and straight blonde wig. For once the mirror gave me all the right signals. 

As the years passed on, I learned I too had a better chance of passing as a transgender woman if I was wary of what the mirror was showing me. Along the way I began to treat it as a blank television screen. Never giving it too much worth. 

I still go through wildly fluctuating gender dysphoric mood swings when I look into the mirror. Sometimes I see too much male, other times I see female. I have learned (again the hard way) the answer lies somewhere between the two binary genders. On those days, I am satisfied to live as an androgynous person. Hormone replacement therapy has given me that much.

For now I am slowly learning to exist with the television off and spend more time with my writing and other pursuits. As far as the mirror goes, I have a meetup to go to with Liz tonight, so I will have to revisit myself along with my old friend.

Sometimes I think I have come a long way from the confused boy dressed as a girl in the mirror over fifty years ago. Other times, he is still with me. 

I Escaped!

Summer Maxi.
Credit Cyrsti's Condo

 For some reason the heat and humidity all went down here in Southwestern Ohio yesterday, just in time for a shopping day out Liz and I had scheduled with a friend of ours who happens to be gay. Similar to Liz, he is heavily into the Wiccan and Pagan culture. 

When meeting someone new in person, my gender dysphoria always kicks in until I can look someone in the eye for a reaction. In yesterdays case, I saw the briefest realization (I thought) of my transgender status but no negative reactions. 

Ultimately there were two stores we were heading to. The first was staffed by two clerks who paid me no mind as I wandered aimlessly about. Finally I took a spare seat to save my back as I waited for the other two to shop. I was in the market for a pair of ear rings but the prices were too steep for me. The only point of interest for me was a mirror in front of the jewelry. I couldn't resist and took a quick look at what I could see of my image. I was so excited to see a distinctly feminine figure looking back at me. Plus, I was wearing my form fitting ribbed tank top along with my flared distressed jeans. All of which gives me the image of having more pronounced hips than I have. 

Then again too, the diet is working. Over the past three plus weeks I have lost (or released as they said) nearly 14 pounds. The ego trip passed quickly and soon we were off to the second shop which turned out to be close to an hour away in crummy traffic.

In direct difference to the first shop, the second one was much more reasonably priced than the first and was operated by two gay men. One was very sociable and even welcomed us at the door. I purchased a couple of inexpensive rings as well as a crystal necklace. There were no mirrors to distract me and, as I said was welcomed warmly. 

All too often, the afternoon was over and even though I was hoping for a lunch stop. We decided to head on home and eat.   

How to Love a Transgender Person

 So many transgender people, women and men have a difficult time finding love as their authentic selves. Why is that so?

I think the path we have to take to arrive where we are takes an enormous toll. Take my journey as an example. My wife of twenty five years accepted me being a cross dresser but drew the line at any suggestion of the transgender word. We fought tooth and nail primarily when I became moody due to my gender issues or dysphoria. Little did I know, life would intervene, she would pass away, leaving me so alone.

The "Sad Eyes" Picture
Credit Cyrsti's Condo

I was down on myself and had very much given up on finding anyone who would accept me the way I was. I know too I wasn't alone, so many transgender women and trans men are fated to follow a similar path.

I am a believer in you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. During all the messy breakups due to transgender issues, both spouses come out deeply scarred. Then, when you add in the affects of certain social media sites and everything becomes worse. Too many "male admirers" seeking gratuitous attention. Too few seeking solid relationships. 

I went through all of that through a myriad of dating sites while all along I told the truth about me being transgender. At the same time, I was hanging out in straight sports bars as I went out to be alone. What happened was I was destined to meet two cis women (lesbians) who I became friends with. Primarily due to the fact I maintained my interest in sports as they did. 

Then there was Liz. Literally she picked me up off a dating site when she responded to one of my pictures saying I had sad eyes. Ten years later, we are still together. 

From all the sorrow and angst I see on certain social media sites, I was very fortunate. Once I learned to accept and love myself for what I was, I was able to accept the friendship and love from others.

Certainly, it is not easy to love a transgender person. So many are too touchy about their pasts to easily let love happen.

I do think though, more and more it is happening and I am no longer the exception to the rule.
 

Ganging Up on Me

 

Pre Weight loss Picture. Liz on left.

Most of the time, I struggle with topics to write about here in Cyrsti's Condo until today when I came up with too many. So I had to choose one and save one for tomorrow. 

Todays post deals with the walks I have resumed taking since the weather has briefly cooled off this week. Also, I seem to be reaping the extra energy of shedding pounds on this new diet my partner Liz and I are on. So far, the ten or so pounds I have lost have given me extra energy. 

None of that though has anything to do with todays' post. 

Usually, on my walks, I don't see anyone else except the occasional young girl or girls riding their bicycles up and down the street. They don't ever pay me any attention as  I can tell. This morning there was only one girl pedaling across the street. As I glanced at her, I wondered how it would have been to live as my authentic self at her age. 

Realistically I know each binary gender has it's own challenges and sometimes the grass does look greener on the other side of the gender street. 

How would it have been to be the pursed rather than the pursuer in the dating world. Especially if I wasn't pursued at all? 

How would it have been to grow up as a second class gender citizen? 

Those are just two questions I have out of many. 

The bottom line is I would have not had to struggle with gender dysphoria which would have given me so much more energy to put into my life as a girl growing up.

It turned out being a girl was my natural preference but...

Living in the past or the future is a waste though. Being able to salvage the present and live as a fulltime transgender woman has made it all worth it. 

Familiarity?

Pre Covid martial arts banquet.

 Every time I finish an appointment with my long time therapist, my partner Liz always digs deep to discover if I have told her (or anyone) of my deepest secrets.   Yesterday, I finally told her (Liz) no I don't go that deep with my therapist. I have a tendency to dance around any subject which pertains to me. We have been having sessions now for nearly a decade now so her familiarity with me allows me to dance away and rarely does she (therapist) catch me. 

I'm sure the reason I do it is goes back to the majority of my life when I struggled to hide my gender  dysphoria totally along with the inability to even understand what was going on with being bi-polar. Needless to say the entire process was very difficult and I became very good at hiding my true self from others. 

Even though Liz still has to take a pry bar to me to get me to show emotions, I am trying in my own backward way to be more outgoing. 

As far as my therapist goes though, maybe I should pull down the barriers and let her have it. Then again maybe not. My Dad was very emotionally withdrawn. It's just so difficult to overcome. 

I Wonder Where she Is?

 For some reason, I read someone else's post about coming out to a spouse or loved one concerning being transgender, or even a cross dresser. In my world, being accepted as a cross dresser was much easier than being accepted as transgender. 

In fact, the only cis woman of significance in my life who tried to parlay my cross dressing into anything remotely against me was my finance way back in my college days.  Instead of keeping my gender desires in the closet, I couldn't take it any longer and came out to her. After intense discussions she finally agreed to go with me to a motel room and help me with my transition. It worked for me at least and I marveled at the novice cross dresser who was looking back at me in the mirror. Of course, even way back then, I knew the buzz wouldn't last. I could take what she showed me, apply it to myself and learn more about my femininity.

All went fairly well, until it was time to graduate college and the draft board was eagerly awaiting my induction into the military. It was at this time she found another boyfriend and laid down the line to me. Either tell the Army I was gay and try to dodge the draft or we were done. 

I knew that would never work and we broke up not long before I was scheduled to report to Ft. Knox in Kentucky for winter time Army basic training. The more I tried to forget her, the more bitter I became. As I thought about her, the more I wanted to return one day in the future in a new car looking beautiful in a pretty dress. 

That day never came. I moved away and became involved with other women with various acceptance of my gender dysphoria. I always thought my first wife never cared that much and didn't  'understand the difference between being a cross dresser or transvestite back then as compared to being a transgender woman which was becoming well known. 

My second wife understood the difference well and never accepted it until the day she died and years later I came full circle with my partner Liz who fully accepted me as my feminine self. Even to the point of being instrumental in me fully coming out of  the closet  and transitioning into a full time transgender woman. 

As far as my fiancé goes, if she transitioned into what her Mom became later in life, I may have gotten my revenge anyhow. 

If I cared :). 

Picture from New Years Eve (pre-covid) with Liz and I. 

Who Are You Really?

 As transgender women and men, who we really are at times causes us significant mental duress. 

Liz and I

I know with me, it took me nearly fifty years to finally come to the conclusion I was living life as a lie as I desperately tried to hang on to the remaining vestiges of my life as a guy. The problem I had was, every now and then I would have a pleasurable male experience or enjoyed a bit of the white male privilege I thought I had earned. During those moments, I would question why I would want to give it all up and enter the feminine world. Of course all of it caused me great stress which I ended up labeling gender dysphoria. 

As I have written in depth before here in Cyrsti's Condo, all of my gender stress and tension led me to a very active suicide attempt. 

It's no surprise too, so many transgender folk go back and forth wondering about their gender choices. After all, there

are too many instances of transitioning trans women or men losing family and/or jobs.  Too many become desperately lonely. 

It's tough, we are stuck in one of the most difficult journeys a human being can make. It's so difficult and complex, we have a very tough time even explaining to others we didn't have a choice to journey down the gender path we are on. 

My answer to who I am in reality comes in a large part from my interaction with my partner Liz. When my gender dysphoria is getting me down, she reminds me in so many ways I am so much more of a girl than she is. 

I am also fortunate to have the effects of my hormone replacement therapy to fall back on. When I awake in the morning I have the immediate reality of my hair and breasts reminding me of who I have become. As shallow as at of that may seem, the bottom line is through all of this I am just me.

These days though it's easier to express me in a truer form in the public's eye. It's who I really am.  

Virtual Action

 Yesterday it seems I spent the day doing virtual meetups. 

The first was with my therapist. We discussed, among other things, my recent dual bout with gender dysphoria coupled with bi-polar issues. As always, it was triggered by an off the wall instance. When I returned from the dentist to have impressions taken, it seemed I had left a bit of the residue on my face. Liz wanted to show me and held up her cell phone to provide video proof. When I saw myself, I immediately went into shock after I saw my image. All I saw was an old guy with very long hair and my gender dysphoria along with the accompanied despair set in. It took me several days to climb out of the mental funk I was in.

I am fortunate to have such a strong support system with my partner Liz. She helped me climb out of my ditch. She is so good, my therapist and I call her "Dr. Liz." After a couple days, my depression started to lift and I used the time honored phrase "It is what is is" to accept my state of mind and move on. Whatever I have managed to use to feminize my male body will have to suffice. 

While I am on the subject, I was able to obtain my blood lab results from the weekend yesterday. The important results came back good. My iron was low, so I don't have to go back up to the Dayton, Ohio VA  for a blood removal phlebotomy. They take a pint out to keep my iron levels in line. Also my hormone levels remained about the same. Slightly below level for a normal non pregnant cis woman. What that means is, it's a possibility my endocrinologist will let me add another estradiol patch to our routine. We shall see.

Finally yesterday, I virtually attended the monthly Rainbow Elderly Alliance board meeting. Since I don't have much coming up in the near future as far as webinars are concerned, I was relatively quiet. It was announced though we would be participating in the upcoming June Dayton, Ohio Pride celebration. It's going to be a hybrid affair combining drive thru and actual events. Since I live an hour and fifteen minutes away, it's tough for me to do much. Plus, depending on the planning, I may be going to the Cincinnati Pride this year. It's the biggest in the area if it happens at all.

All of this amazes me. Before the pandemic I didn't even know how to attend a virtual meeting at all. Now I have days which doing on line meetings is all I do.