Gender Expectations

 

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Jessie  Hart
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Early in my transition to a fulltime transgender woman, I thought my expectations would be relatively simple. 

My simplistic approach led me to believe achieving perfection in my knowledge of makeup and acquiring the feminine clothes would be all I would need to survive. Little did I know, when I went public with my cross dressing, I would encounter so many other issues to solve. 

Another problem I had was my cross dressing theory all  was wrong and directly backwards.  All along, I was a woman cross dressing my life away as a man, plus I had no idea how my new time as a transgender woman would put me so completely on a public stage with men and women. The time I spent trying to cross dress for my male self proved to be totally wasted for the most part. Those were the days of trying to dress sexy and failing miserably. 

As with any female who grows into womanhood (all don't), I needed to learn to play in the girls sandbox. As I came closer to perfecting my appearance the best I could, each time I thought I reached a milestone, I found there were many more to come to achieve my goals of living my own version of womanhood. Even though I may not be the prettiest girl in the room, I still could rely on other aspects of my personality to succeed. Similar to any other woman I had met in my life. Like my transgender friend Racquel told me I passed the public out of sheer willpower. I was just being the authentic me.

One part of the entire coming out process which really intimidated me was how I needed to present differently to each binary gender. As I always mention, men had the tendency to steer clear of me and women had a tendency in their own ways to challenge me. Communication in the world to survive became key to me. As far as men went, I think there were very few who were secure enough in their own masculinity to approach me. Plus, since early on I was usually alone, I would try my best to give the impression someone else was coming to join me. One of my favorite "props" was my cell phone. I used it to act as if a friend was on the way and I was saving a seat where ever I was. Then, when I did develop a small group of women friends, I did my best to blend in and not stand out of the crowd so to speak. 

Through it all, I can't write enough on how insecure I felt for years in public when I first came out into the world. When I couldn't wear my sunglasses to judge the public's reaction to me, I tried to perfect my peripheral vision to see the best I could if I was creating an impact by just being my authentic gender self. The whole process turned out to be a multi-layered experience. Similar to what my second wife told me about absorbing the life skills women need to survive. For years I was naïve and didn't understand what she meant since I had literally obsessed studying the world of women around me I so admired. I never considered all the ramifications of coming out as a transgender woman would mean. 

Once I did discover my truth, I did have others around me to assist in my journey. Together they all helped to make my expectations more realistic and achievable.      

Catching the Trolley

 

The Trolley Stop, Dayton, Ohio

Since one of my college degrees is in History, I always have been a fan of historical restoration.

When I was considering my male to female gender transition, a portion of the baggage I was looking at bringing along was my love of history. All the way to the point of where I lived, an 1860's brick building I restored myself in my home town. To do it, I taught myself many of the basics of plumbing and electricity. 

One of my inspirations in my restoration was in close by Dayton, Ohio in a area known as the "Oregon District". Home to many beautiful Victorian homes. Included in the many residences was a commercial strip of businesses along a brick street which had been there for years and years. Plus, it just so happened, many of them were old taverns. 

I know I write often about my fondness for going to the large sports bars when I transitioned since they provided me with a more pleasurable experience than the local gay bars did. While it's true I did go to the sports venues quite a bit, there was another place I went to also. It was called the "Trolley Stop" located on the strip I was telling you about in the Oregon District. The "Stop's" building was constructed in 1839 and is believed to be the oldest continually operating tavern in Dayton. As well as being known for it's drinks, the kitchen features cooking made from scratch. 

Since I was a customer before I transitioned, I knew what to expect and thought with a little work I could be accepted at the "Trolley" without much problem. I was right and in no time at all, I became a regular with one of the fulltime bartenders. With that accomplished, I was awarded with restroom privileges and others in the tavern being nice to me. I rarely had any problems. I could enjoy two of my passions, history and living a life as a transgender woman. 

My fondness for the venue grew except for the fact the restrooms were upstairs and when I consumed a few cocktails, navigating the steps became quite the challenge for me in my heels. Until I quit wearing them when I knew I was going to the "Trolley." 

Along the way, I ended up meeting my small group of friends there. Including my transgender friend Racquel. To the casual observer, I am sure we seemed to be quite the group. On occasion also, the venue hosted lesbian mixers which were always quite fun for me. In fact on several occasions I was able to steal a kiss from an admiring lesbian woman. 

Now, since I moved fairly far away to Cincinnati from the Dayton area where I lived, I have not been back to the "Trolley Stop" for years. Hopefully the venue and all it's fond memories will out live me. 

Never Give Up

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 Similar to so many transgender women or men, I live a fragile existence. Or I should say for the most part I lived a fragile life as a cross dresser.

These were the times I was fighting totally any feelings of being feminine. Naturally, my ingrained male self fought the entire idea completely. Several times when I was caught cross dressing in front of the mirror, I gave up and decided to "purge" (or throw out)  almost all of my feminine belongings. I say almost because every time I stopped purging, I stopped just short of throwing out my favorite wigs or dresses. I guess deep down inside I knew I would need the clothes or wigs again. And I did because I never gave up on my dream to live as a fulltime transgender woman. 

By never giving up, I had several obstacles to overcome along my gender path. Everyone goes through tough times in their lives and looking ahead, I could see many more on my horizon. Mainly because, I was far from a natural when I looked at myself in the mirror. How could I ever turn a rather gruff bearded overweight man into a presentable trans woman. 

First things first. As soon as I could the beard had to go along with the weight. The first part was easy but the weight wasn't. Fortunately, I was able to cut back on a few fattening items and let my still robust male metabolism do the rest. In no time at all, I was able to lose nearly fifty pounds which helped completely in finding women's fashion in my size. At the same time, I started to concentrate on my skin. After shaving, I made sure I used a good moisturizer to aid in the process. I learned how much better my foundation looked on my face when I cared for my skin, plus by shaving daily, I was exfoliating my skin very effectively. In my case, along with practicing "extreme" shopping methods for fashion, I was able to do better in presenting my feminine self to the world. I suppose you could say, the whole process was a labor of love.

On occasion, I am amused when someone thinks my gender journey into trans womanhood was an overnight success. They never saw or understood the "error and trial" methods I went through when I first began to explore the public as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. The most important moral to the story is I never gave up. No matter how difficult and bumpy the path became. Why? 

The easy answer is no matter how hard life became, deep down I knew what I was doing made me feel so natural. I felt if I lived long enough, I could leave my old male self behind and finally live in the world as a trans woman. 

Destiny proved me right and I was able to fit into a life in the world, I had always only dreamed of. I learned the hard way to achieve any goal in life, you never can give up.

How the Heck did I Get Here

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Jessie Hart Archives

In many ways, this post is an extension of yesterdays. 

When I woke up this morning following a night of having multi gendered dreams, I glanced at my femininized body and wondered how I arrived here. The answer of course is not an easy one to come by. Plus, most of you have followed a similar path. You started in the mirror and slowly made your way into the public's eye. Some of you actually made it as a transgender woman in the public and others still make it as a cross dresser on line with your own blog. Whatever path you take, perhaps you wonder also how the heck did I get here on the gender divide.

I know many of us offer up the suggestion we had no choice because of the effects of the pregnancy medication "D.E.S.". Here is a description: " DES is a synthetic form of female hormone estrogen . It was prescribed to women between  1940 and 1971 for problem pregnancies."

Even though I will never know for sure, I am positive my Mom probably was prescribed the medication because she suffered through several still births before I came along. In the transgender community it has long been suspected being subjected to an overdose of estrogen in the womb, set us on a path to being trans. So essentially I didn't have a choice on the life I eventually determined I had to lead. 

I had several main gender cross roads to navigate before I could arrive where I was this morning. The tragic part was, I couldn't stop to appreciate my work and all I had gone through. All the times I was stared at, or even laughed at when I was a novice in the world as a transgender or cross dressed person. All the time I wondered all the gender hassles I was going through to figure out where I was going was the right way. After all, I was walking the tight rope on sacrificing my entire life as I knew it. All to jump into a life as a transgender woman I didn't know if I could do at all. 

Finally, I could take the pressure no longer and I decided to take the plunge and transition into a new world. I knew deep down I really didn't have a choice after I tried suicide which was tied to my gender issues. Maybe all along, I truly did not have a choice and just had to do it. At that point, destiny led me to seek out a new group of women friends who helped me along in my journey. Plus the new gender affirming hormones I was on proved I was doing the right thing for a change. It was as if my body recognized the new hormones as doing the right thing and all the resulting changes I recently wrote about felt so natural. As my life changed, so did my mental health as my long hidden female soul kept telling me I told you so.

Now I wonder how long it will take for my old male life to fade away and I won't have to be so amazed by my body when I wake up in the morning. I will be to recognize my body for what it is and should have been all along. 

Emergence

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During our long and twisted gender journeys we have points of emergence. 

I always prefer to explain to others I experienced more than one transition. I feel as if the first portion of my life as a cross dresser in the mirror was one part of my life and coming out as transgender was another. The whole process took me years too long to discover. Much too long observing transsexuals around me to see if I wanted to or even go the route they were headed. Ultimately I decided I did not want to undergo sex change surgery as it was known back in those days. Also expected or recommended was you needed to move away and assume an entire new life. I was selfish and never wanted to totally give up my past I worked so hard to obtain. Plus, I didn't have the life background a couple of my acquaintances had who had gone the gender distance by having surgery.

One of the people I knew was a soon to retire fireman with a good pension to fall back on and the other was an accomplished electrical engineer who would not have a difficult time maintaining a job. Not to mention, both were drop dead gorgeous. At the time, I was far from retirement in an industry which would have been nearly impossible to transition in. Also, I was very insecure about my feminine appearance. Even with all of those factors going against me, I still was intrigued by the possibilities my gender future presented to me. All I really knew was I needed to discover how my path would open a new world of emergence for me.

My potential emergence as a transgender woman was an exciting time for me. Discoveries were like no other I had ever experienced in my life. Directly and indirectly, I was exploring everything from my new feminine life to what would become of my sexuality. At the same time, I needed to consider a wife I loved very much who was dead set against me going any farther in my quest to be a transgender woman but never had any problems with my cross dressing tendencies. It was as if she never liked or even tolerated my inner woman. It was difficult for me to learn my new gender ropes when she was against me but I did. 

Along the way, diverse parties and mixers assisted me in my emergence. By doing so, I was able to test out how well my possible new world was working. I even had the rare time, my wife didn't come along to keep track of what I was doing. Needless to say, the times she wasn't with me led my times to be more productive. Primarily, I discovered negative interactions with a few men, all the way to positive interactions with lesbians I met. All lessons which turned out to be very important in my emergence as an out transgender woman. Ultimately, I decided against the surgeries but completely wanted the lifestyle. After all, my gender was between my ears and not between my legs.

Overall, my gender emergence was never easy but all worth it in the short and long term. In essence, an entire new set of life lessons. 

Patch Day

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Hart Archives

I am on estradiol patches I change twice a week. The hormonal patches help to make me who I am and have been fortunate to be prescribed them for years.

Early on progress was slow as I was prescribed the minimal amount of hormones by my doctor. I remember vividly the night I asked my future wife Liz out on New Years Eve when I started my gender affirming hormones. It was a very big night. Initially I began my dosage on pills which as I said were very minimal in dosage. 

Even on the minimal amounts I still felt changes beginning to take place. Possibly because I was already in my sixties and my testosterone levels were decreasing anyhow so there were fewer hormones to do battle with. At any rate, I was beginning to see (or feel) changes primarily in my breasts. Before I knew it, I was experiencing problems finding shirts which were loose enough to not show my protruding breasts. Little did I know, there was so much more to come.

What happened was, when my doctor determined I was not experiencing any ill effects from the new hormones, I was cleared for a higher dosage. With a higher dosage came more changes which I needed to deal with and the changes forced my hand on when I thought I would need to go public as a transgender woman. At the time, as predicted by my doctor, my hair began to grow as fast as my new breasts. More importantly though were the internal changes which were beginning to take place along with the external softening of my skin and facial lines. 

Of course the internal changes were less noticeable in the beginning because I was still so obsessed with my feminine appearance. All the way to the point of thinking my appearance was the reason I went through with HRT or GAH. 

The more I became one with the new hormones which were allowed to invade my old male body, the more I began to understand the process. I really began to change when I switched my health care to the Veteran's Administration and began seeing a new endocrinologist who almost immediately changed my dosage from pills to patches so the new method would provide less wear and tear on my inner organs. At the same time, we discussed upping my dosage slightly as well as how I used my testosterone reducing medication (Spiro) at the same time. 

All of this was working together to provide me with significant internal changes. Suddenly, I could cry for the first time in my life as well as feel my world around me soften. I was more sensitive to temperature changes as well as noticing a big improvement in my sense of smell. Through it all, I even experienced my first feminine hot flashes which initially made me think I was going to internally combust. Little did I know at the time I was just going through another gender puberty in my life. As far as more external changes went, finally I started to develop hips for the first time ever.

Perhaps I am a little dramatic when I think my estradiol patches helped me to become the person I am today. Plus I never forget, how blessed I was with having the health to undertake such a radical hormonal shift in my body. I know so many who couldn't. I know also, so many other transgender women who prefer injections over patches to deliver their life changing hormones. For what ever reason, I have never had much of a problem having the patches adhere to my skin and seem to deliver an overall smoother dosage over the span of a week. That of course, is only my perspective.

Then again, there are those of you who naturally have a higher level of estrogen in your body and don't require gender afforming hormones at all to help you feel secure as a transgender woman. Whatever works, more power to you. 

The Road Less Traveled

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Jessica Radanavong on
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 Every now and then, even though I follow several very popular LGBTQ and Transgender sites such as Stana's "Femulate", I wonder how many cross dressers or trans folks there are in the world.

Sometimes I think there not very many but then again more than I think. My thoughts began relatively early when I began to experience the public as a novice transgender woman. A prime example was when I first began to go to the Veterans Administration for my health care. Included in the care were the basics allowing me to begin gender affirming hormones. During my first visits, I could tell I was the main educator to the VA staff who had never seen a trans person before. I knew then, I was on the road less traveled with my gender issues. 

Over a short period of time, I found differences in how I was treated started to change. I became less of an educator and my providers were more likely to understand my needs. It is important to note how well over the years my VA health team has treated me. Plus, over the years, I have received several other comments from transgender veterans such as this one:

" It was interesting to read of your experience with the VA. Shortly after I retired I began receiving primary care through the nearest VA clinic. I was able to select a female physician and made my first clinic visit presenting as a woman. I had already indicated that I was transgender woman on some on-line forms, as to avoid any confusion. And, my first name on all legal documents is Kimberly, so that kinda sets expectation, I suppose.

Anyway, I weighed in and was roomed by the RN, a lovely young woman. She lead me through the perfunctory questions that had to be asked, and used my preferred (she) pronounce when she introduced me to the doctor. The doctor was similarly courteous. I was a bit surprised when she asked when I had GRS and how long I had been on HRT. (I have had neither and at my age consider these would offer little net benefit for me). We did talk a bit about my transition goals, which are pretty limited at this point.

I had two routine follow up visits with this physician at the VA clinic. During these visits I was always treated with not just courtesy but genuine kindness and friendliness. I had very enjoyable conversations with the staff. Perhaps it helped that I was coming from a health care admin background."

Thanks so much for the input Kimberly! I know various other VA centers vary in their care standards especially when it comes to LGBTQ vets and primarily transgender veterans. If you have a different story, feel free to comment. 

It is said, any public relations is good even though it is not well meaning. During this time in our transgender history when so many negative laws are being proposed and passed in states such as my native Ohio, when the public sees me now, I know increasingly I am on the road more traveled. Sadly, gender bigots in the world are emboldened by their ignorance and somehow are encouraged to voice their unwanted opinions of me. 

My days of existing under the radar in a larger world has gone by the wayside. It seems every night on the news I see information on ill advised politicians  coming after me and my transgender friends. Even though I am so fortunate to be surrounded by a strong group of trans allies, I still suffer from the paranoia I feel when my road into the world becomes more traveled. 

Connecting the Dots

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Throughout life, I found many dots I needed to connect to save my life as I knew it. 

The first dots were the ones I had to connect to live at all. They were the ones which connected me into an unwanted male world. As I mentioned in yesterday's post I was born into a heavy male dominated family where competition between the men in the family was a given. My Dad had two brothers who were always in a friendly battle for which one had the best job, house etc. My best guess is my only brother and I carried the competition to our own level by playing sports. All this time, I secretly would have been happy playing with the girls in the neighborhood but naturally never had the chance. 

Those days, I had fewer gender dots to connect since my main cross dressing activity was with the full length hall way mirror. I was able to hide my deepest gender dreams away and happily dress as a girl when ever I had the opportunity. When I did, I compared it to playing one of the old mechanical  pinball machines. As I viewed myself in the mirror, it was like I hit the one thousand point bumper in the machine and gender euphoria swept in. 

The older I became and the more sophisticated my cross dressing world became, the more dots I needed to connect to survive in the gender complex world I was in. As I progressed, the mirror wasn't good enough for me and I wanted to try more dots. Those were the exciting days of going to transvestite mixers in Cleveland and Columbus, Ohio. Those mixers really showed me all of the potential dots I could connect with to live my life. Was I gay, or a cross dresser, or transsexual or transgender? So many questions to ponder and answer. For once, the mixers showed me other examples of choices I could possibly have. 

Ironically, the military service I had provided me three years to pause my connection of dots to try to figure out which direction I was going to go. When I was discharged, I knew deep down I was transgender but was afraid to lose all that I had worked so hard to accomplish as my male self.  Through out my relatively short life, I had acquired two college degrees,  an honorable service discharge and fathered a daughter. All before I was twenty five. I had connected many dots except for the largest ones which concerned my gender. 

Finally, as I treaded water through the years, I took the leap of faith and connected my final gender dots. Possibly the biggest dot was being approved for gender affirming hormones. When I did connect, a whole new world opened for me. 

Now of course, as I approach three quarters of a century in this world, (75 years) , I wonder how many other dots will I have to connect to make it to the finish line. 

Jealousy Issues

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Archives.

Many times during my life, my relationship with women or even girls went from being envious all the way to being out and out jealous. Christmas was a prime example when I had to sit back and watch my girl cousins in their pretty new dresses and outfits while I was stuck in my boring shirt and tie feeling something like a stuffed sausage. Not to mention the gifts they received versus my unwanted boy toys. The best I could hope for was to receive a small amount of cash for a gift which I could use to sneak out and buy me makeup or other feminine items.

When I was younger, I always held out the hope my life would change for the better but it never did around women until much later. 

In middle school when the puberty hormones began to kick in for both genders, my feelings of jealousy began to increase also. Here I was developing unwanted angles to my body as well as extra facial hair while the girls around me were gaining curves was sometimes unbearable. Testosterone poisoning was ruining my life and every night I would go to sleep wishing I could wake up with all the attributes the girls around me had. Of course that never happened and life went on the best as possible.

On top of all my other gender envy, the Vietnam War began to be a very real risk for me. Spending time in the military away from my all too brief cross dressing time in front of the mirror was a reality I never wanted to face, until I did. In addition, how fair was it, the women around me never had to face such a bump in the road? I kept thinking why me until I was drafted and went ahead and served my time in the military the same as my Dad before me and as my friends around me. Tragically, I knew a few friends who only returned in boxes. Proving death was a very real threat.

Even though I was still very jealous of the women around me, I attempted to channel my envy in a positive manner. I say try because I know now looking back how I failed. There were so many times, I didn't bother to notice or take the effort to mention how attractive my wife looked. All the time I knew how insecure she was and I should have stepped up to help her, more than I ever did. Looking back, I was too jealous of her because she was living the life I wanted to live. Then she was gone (passed away) and I never had the chance to recoup my losses. 

In place of my jealousy issues, I tried my best to learn more and more about a woman's real life and why I never should have been as envious or jealous as I became. I never took a moment to stop and realize the other gender grass wasn't always as green as I thought it was. As I pursued a life as a transgender woman on gender affirming hormones, I discovered a new world beyond one with all the white male privileges I took for granted. Such as just having a portion of my daily respect automatically given to me because of my gender. The main privileges were job advancement and personal security. 

Cis-women on the other hand have to go through the intense hormonal changes their body goes through to prepare them for possible motherhood. Periods and later on, menopause are just a few of the problems women have to face more dramatically than men. I always thought too, it would have been better to have been the gender which was the prettier one as well as the pursued one as men always needed to be the one to ask someone out. I so badly wanted to be the one who was invited which was partially because I was always so shy around women or girls. 

Fortunately I don't think my jealousy issues ever reached a toxic level. More or less I just retreated into my gender shell and hoped for a better day to come. Which it did when at the age of sixty I finally came out full time as a transgender woman. After a lifetime of studying women, I think I took the shorter path to my gender freedom, while at the same time putting all of my gender envy behind me. In many ways each of the binary genders has their own weights to bear as they go through life. 

The best we can hope for is, the process makes us stronger.