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| JJ Hart. Pride image. Ohio River in background. |
I was very stubborn as I hung on to my male persona as long as I could. In the meantime, the struggle between my two genders was monumental.
Since I started life as a biological male, he sprinted off
to an unfair advantage over my feminine self. Mainly because, like it or not,
being male brought with it a series of benefits I would come to call male privilege.
Even though it was hard to do, each time I was moderately successful as a boy I
was rewarded. Even though, deep down, I did not want to be because I knew someday,
I might have to give up all that hard earned male baggage to lead the life I
always dreamed of, as a transgender woman. Full time without any restrictions.
Along with being stubborn concerning my chances of ever
living my transfeminine dreams, I was also very naïve when it came to having a
grand plan on how it would ever happen. When I looked at the stream that
crossed my gender path, at times it would become a river that was hard to cross
to get to the feminine side I wanted to be on. There were times too, when I
miscalculated the depth of the water upstream, I would have to face to get to
the other side.
As the water subsided, and I could try to get out of my home
mirror and into the world, I ran into new situations which would define parts
of my life, and I would not know it yet. Such as the Halloween parties I went
to as a woman and were immediately shunned by my male friends who were there
also. Little did I know that later in life when I began to explore the world as
a transgender woman, men shunning me would be a common theme. Ironically, at
the same time, I was learning the opposite would happen with women. Particularly
lesbian women. For the first time, the stream was busy pushing me in a way I
never thought possible. It happened one of the nights I was a guest at the LGBTQIA+
diverse Columbus, Ohio parties I always went to. That night a lesbian I had never seen before
showed up with a friend and the attraction between us was real. We ended
leaving and going to a big lesbian venue to see what was going on and we spent
the rest of the evening getting to know each other, but I was still married at
the time, and nothing ever came of seeing the first lesbian who was interested
in me.
All I knew at the time was I was treading water as fast as I
could just to stay afloat in the dual gender world, I was trying to live in. One
big life jacket which was thrown at me was the attention I was receiving from
gay and straight ciswomen. It meant I would never have to approach the potentially
unpleasant situation of exploring my sexuality and I never had to go past the
point of kissing men at all since most of them did not want to approach me. At
any rate, I always thought I was never attractive enough for them, but when I
reached an island as I was swimming upstream, I had the chance to pause and
realize I did not need a man’s validation to make me a complete transgender
person anyhow. There were plenty of fish in my sea and I needed destiny to lead
me to one. Which it did with Liz who I later married and have been with well
over a dozen years now.
Another thing my stream taught me was to never feel totally comfortable
and rest much at all because something would come along and knock me back into
the deep water. The problem was I was still catching up on the life that ciswomen
grew up living, and it was very complex. I knew it would be, but sometimes I
was just caught off guard and think did that really happen.
On the other hand, when I finally was able to relax with all
that I had accomplished in my gender workbook, I was so much happier in life. I
finally began to realize that I was never a man at all, just a woman trying to
live her life from a totally different perspective than most anyone else. Then,
it made sense to me why my life was always such a struggle because I had two powerful
influences battling each other. The most powerful one had to finally win out,
and my inner femininity won out.
If I had it all to do over again, I would have to tell
myself to follow my instincts and stay out of the water before swimming
upstream became exhausting and I almost went under for good.
I know I have many readers on different parts of their
gender journeys looking for any guidance possible. All I can say is that at
some point you need to be honest with yourself and decide to take the most
natural path you can take. Maybe you can cross-dress enough to keep one foot in
the stream and one foot out and that is OK too. I just could not do it that
way, but that does not make it right or wrong for you.
For the most part, I still think society is still set up for
men to succeed but that is changing. And, when you are a trans person continuing
up your gender path, just consider the world is still in flux and the future is
feminine no matter long the old white male dinosaurs hang on. Regardless,
either way you must make your own way in your own gender stream, and you will
have to expect at some point to swim against the current. It is just the nature
of the beast we transgender women and transgender men must face in life.
Just be very careful and follow your true gender core and
you can make it.
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