Living Your Transgender Truth

Image from Brett Jordan on Unsplash

To live your truth as a transgender person, you first have to figure out what your truth is. 

In many cases, accomplishing knowing your truth when in comes to gender is very difficult. Even though I had realized from a very early age I wanted to be a girl and strongly admired everything feminine, it was still a difficult journey until I could actually live my truth. I believe the earliest  remembrances I had of being transgender was when I discovered just dressing up as a member of the feminine gender just wasn't enough. I actually wanted more. I wanted to actually be a girl/woman. Sadly, when I was discovering all of this, there was no internet or social media so I still felt isolated from the world. It wasn't until years later when I heard the term transgender for the first time. 

As the years rolled by and I learned more and more concerning what a transgender person actually was, I increasingly felt the term described me. Primarily because I felt just cross dressing as a woman was just never going to describe me. Plus, I had for the first time encountered other persons who identified as trans and I just knew I wanted to learn more about their lives. It turned out to be the right move since two of the people in my circle made their journey's all the way to living full time as women.  Right or wrong, they both became role models. Through it all, I wondered if I could ever follow in their footsteps and live an impossible dream as a transgender woman. 

One of the main differences was neither of them were involved in a serious long term relationship with a strong woman who did not approve of a gender transition. Also employment wise there were major differences such as one of the women I knew was a fire-person and had served out her initial twenty years so she had a good pension coming. And, the other woman was a very successful electrical engineer. She knew she was in demand employment wise and would have no problems with securing employment. Also, to make matters worse for me (or better for them) they were both gorgeous. Here I was just doing my best to look the best I could while all the time knowing I would certainly lose my job and my wife if I transitioned. Living my truth during that time in my life turned out to be rather murky. I was considering following in my acquaintances footsteps but couldn't quite figure out how it was possible. 

Through it all, I took my usual male sides approach and tried to hide my truth. Predictably, the entire process was ill advised and finally led me to a very serious self harm (suicide) attempt. To save myself and live my truth, it took a series of events in my life to do do it. Sadly, the biggest was when my second wife of twenty five years passed away when she was just fifty. Her passing, along with the fact I was quickly approaching retirement age led me down the path to being able to attempt a gender trnasition. It was during this time when I began hormone replacement therapy or HRT. The hormonal change propelled me even further to learning my truth...I always should have been a woman. My body just screamed for the changes it went through and it all felt so natural.

I realized in my early sixties, destiny was on my side and finally I would be able to live my transgender truth.

You "Gotta" Own It

 

Image from Alysha Rosly 

As a transgender person, one of the main accessories we can have is confidence. 

Of course, when we change genders, confidence is very difficult to come by and then even possess. In my case I needed to go out in the public's eye sometimes in very questionable outfits before I finally learned what I could do to survive as a transgender woman. Even though I was going through times of being stared at (or worse) somehow I needed to pay my dues and own up to what I wore, before I could hurry home and change into a more realistic outfit which was better for my testosterone poisoned body shape. The whole process was very difficult but I survived and slowly build a very fragile confidence. 

One of the main problems is the human animal is in fact an apex predator and showing any weakness is similar to having blood in the water around sharks. Seemingly, some humans are better in sensing weakness or even uneasiness in others. If you are a novice transvestite and/or transgender person, it takes a lot of will power to have confidence in your new found ability to blend in with the public. I vividly remember so many days when I thought I had it all together just to be destroyed by one person with a mis-placed comment in public. The whole process would quickly send me back home to reconsider everything I was attempting to do with my gender presentation. One example came when I was minding my own business shopping one morning in the women's clothing section of a favorite store when I tried not to encounter a young girl running around in the store. She was better than I was when she found me and exclaimed loudly to her Mom, "Look at the big lady!...the big mean lady!" 

I quickly thought well at least she did call me a lady but resolved to do something about the old ingrained male scowl on my face. As my new self, I certainly did not want to appear unfriendly or even mean to others. Lesson learned as the Mom retrieved her child and rapidly left the store. The only other negative I ever faced in a clothing store which really hurt my confidence was when a clerk took an unappreciative look at my short skirt and said something to the point that I better cover up those big old legs. I didn't buy anything and never returned to that store again. 

Through it all, I did manage to build upon my fragile confidence all the way to point where I could own my existence. I became so confident I thought if someone had a problem with my gender existence, it was their problem, not mine. Once I made it to this point, I was able to relax more and enjoy the new exciting gender path I was on. But looking back, it was never an easy journey for me. 

First and foremost, the biggest problem I had was, I needed to go all the way mentally as far as my desire to live as a transgender woman. I do think, along the way, my old male self was working in the background to sabotage any idea of living fulltime as a woman. Once I shook him off totally, I was able to continue to build my confidence and own who I was.   

"Passing" as a Goal

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

First of all, let me contradict myself and use the term "presenting" instead of "passing". I just think it is more appropriate because presenting describes more accurately what we are trying to achieve. By saying I was trying to "pass", I was just trying to fool someone into thinking I was a woman. By presenting, I was seeking to show an authentic look at my inner feminine self. 

Whatever I referred to it as, the fact remained I was obsessed with doing it. I wish I had back a fraction of the time I wasted admiring all other women and wondering if or how I could ever look the same. What happened was I grew more and more frustrated with my results when I cross dressed and tried to admire myself in the mirror. The only relief I received was when the mirror lied to me and told me I was an attractive woman. The relief was short lived and very soon I was a very difficult person to live with as my gender frustrations increased. 

Very slowly and with a huge amount of effort, I was able to better learn the artform of makeup and which clothes actually flattered my male body. Even still, it took me years and years to get to the point when I could concentrate on being my authentic self rather than looking like a person I wanted to be. Nothing changed until the wonderful evening when I finally decided what I was trying to do or go with my life. By this time I was seriously considering I was more transgender than anything else. Considering it more than living it was a different experience all together. To do it, I needed to quit obsessing on "passing" and start "presenting" myself as a total feminine person. I chose a venue where I knew single, professional women were accepted and after a stern talking to myself, in I went to sample what turned out to be a new life. I was terrified to say the least.

After the evening turned out to be a success, I knew me "passing" was forever gone and now I could move on to exploring how my life could turn out if I lived my dream to live as a fulltime transgender woman. Deep down I knew I could never go back to living as my old unwanted male life. I will never forget the evening and I am sure if my life indeed does flash before my eyes, I will see the evening again. That's an idea of how important the entire happening was. Plus, once just "passing" ceased to be a major part of my life, the being a fulltime transgender woman became another obsession.  I set out to try to do new and different scenarios in which I put myself in situations an everyday woman would face. Examples were when I decided to lessen my visits to malls and clothing stores and try to eat and associate more with the staffs at different restaurants I could go to.

Since this entire post has been primarily dealing with semantics anyhow, I guess you can say I associated "passing" with being a cross dresser or transvestite and presenting with being a transgender woman. None of it really mattered to me, if I was advancing my goal to live my new gender dream.  Which destiny showed me the way to do as it turned out to be a life or death situation.   

It's a New World

 

Raquel 

Without bringing up too much unpleasant history, it was possibly the time of Donald tRumpt's election when it became more and more in vogue to outwardly criticize transgender citizens.  I have an example. 

A long time acquaintance of mine moved from Ohio to Texas eight years ago and lives full time as a transgender woman, mostly with no problems. Recently though all of that changed when she went to a diner she knows well. Her name is Raquel and here is a partial look at what went down:

"I avoid news/politics. But I feel like I'm on people's radar lately. Yesterday as I was walking out of a diner, two drunk couples were in a booth, and this big tough guy gets my attention...

"GUY: Hey! You're not a dude, are you?

ME: [loudly] F***. You.

GUY: I'll take that as a yes!

(his friends are kinda looking around like WTF I'm not part of this)

GUY: No, you're beautiful! You had me fooled!

Coincidentally, this was the 8th anniversary of the day I moved to Texas, and it was also one of the only times I've been carrying pepper spray with me. Because people are crazy. And something's up. And nothing would make me happier than hitting this guy in the face with cop-strength capsaicin."

First of all, I admire Raquel's courage in not backing down from this guy but I remember her well and am not surprised. Years ago, she was with me the night three drunk guys started playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" non stop at a sports bar we were at. Both of us were determined not to back down and let them chase us out of the venue. I am also surprised all she was carrying was pepper spray. I believe she has gone through firearms training.

I get the feeling the public these days is more emboldened to leave their comfort zones and challenge our transgender ones. It is sad we have to go through all of this as well as all the anti-LGBTQ or transgender bills in the state legislatures these days. Little does the public know we have been a part of them since history has begun and we are not going anywhere now.

Even still it is important to note it is a new world and I am always prepared to be confronted about my gender status when my wife Liz and I go out in public. We have not gone as far as buying pepper spray but have equipped our key chains with devices which could be used to stab and hurt would be attackers.

More than ever before, it is time to be aware of our surroundings as transgender women. It doesn't look as if these times are going away anytime soon.

Two Alpha Women and a Trans Girl

 

Image from WheresLugo
on UnSplash

Over the years as I write about frequently, I wonder quite a bit how I turned out the way I did as a transitioning transgender woman. 

Recently I have come to realize I experienced a serious battle between two alpha females and one lonely transgender girl was what was going on. I should have recognized the battle much sooner because I experienced two alpha females attempting to live together under the same roof.  What happened was when I was a teenager, my Dad somehow engineered his Mom moving into an already crowded house with my younger brother and more importantly my Mom. Of course an uneasy truce was established between the two women. Leaving me less time to practice my feminine past-time in the hall way mirror. What I did learn was the power of an alpha woman. If you don't think women can be alpha, you certainly have not been paying attention to how the genders interact in the world. 

Fast forward many years to the point when I began to seriously transition to being a full time transgender woman. It was the time I began to seriously clash with my second wife who had always known I was a transvestite or cross dresser but hated any thoughts of me living a transgender existence. During that period of time I really tried to have her accept me as a woman but it never came close to happening. Looking back, I can see now why. My way of trying to gain her acceptance was to mimic the way she dressed, as close as I could. In order to not look like a man in women's clothes, I simply had to wear makeup to present as well as I could. What ever I tried was never good enough to gain her acceptance and I think now I have an idea why.

I started with remembering what woman friends my second wife had. Overall she had a few close friends but probably not many more than I had male friends. All her friends were similar to her in that they didn't wear much makeup or overly feminine frilly dresses. It was quite the adjustment for me early on when I attempted to fit in with her. Which never happened. I think now, deep down, my wife realized she was dealing with another alpha woman who was just beginning her journey The woman I refer to of course was me and similar to my Mom and Grandma, clashes were impossible to avoid. As I transitioned, it turned out nearly all of my feminine role models were alpha women. It just took me years to grow out of my closet and accept my teachings.

Perhaps these days, it may be easier to be an alpha woman. Even if you are transgender. In fact I know a couple. With all the legislative and social pushback going on against the LGBTQ community (especially the Trans group) we have to be stronger to explore the world as our authentic selves than ever before. 

If you are still in your closet, timidly thinking about coming out into the world, keep in mind you may be harboring another alpha female just waiting for her chance to shine. As far as my second wife is concerned, she sadly passed away in 2007 without ever accepting the authentic self. My fondest desire is even if she could never accept me being a transgender woman, she still could accept me as a friend. On the other hand, I am so fortunate in that I was accepted totally nearly twelve years ago by my current wife Liz who was instrumental in helping me finally escape my gender closet.  Destiny was indeed kind to me and my alpha female training helped me to be whole.  

You Don't Know

 

Image from Noah Grossenbacher
on UnSplash

You don't know what you don't know is so appropriate when it comes to describing a lengthy transgender transition. 

Similar to anybody else, I had my predetermined ideas of the steps I would need to go through.  Very early on, I was so involved in looking the part I failed to realize all the other intangibles I would face along the way.  My all encompassing desire to be an attractive woman many times would lead to huge fights with my second wife. She was a very strong, down to earth woman who accepted my cross dressing desires but drew the line at any idea I was transgender. Since she didn't wear much makeup at all, she was fond of calling me the "Pretty, Pretty Princess"  when I put the time and effort into being the most attractive woman  I could be. I got my revenge when we were going to an event where she needed to wear makeup and she was forced to turn to me for guidance. 

What I didn't realize how much my old male ego entered in when I was fortunate enough to be mistaken for a woman in the rare times I was out in the public's eye. Mostly without my wife. What happened was my gender euphoria was at an all time high, for a small amount of time. All too soon the euphoria would wear off and I was stuck with the same old feeling of living a male life I didn't want to. I wanted to explore the world more and more as a woman and the person holding me back was my wife. Not a good position to be in and our relationship suffered. Somehow I barely kept my urges under some sort of under control and we made it through twenty five years of marriage before she unexpectedly passed  away from a massive heart attack. What I didn't know was all the negative I was facing at the time would lead to new challenges as I transitioned.

The first major obstacle I didn't know I would have to face when I was crushed by the need to communicate with the world as my chosen gender. Essentially what happened was any gender euphoria I was experiencing was very fleeting as I settled into a new gender reality. Interacting with women and men was so new and different. Along the way I was still so concerned with my appearance but I now had to be concerned how I reacted with the world. It was time to face another unknown as I needed to put the entire gender picture together and attempt to live my dream of living full time as a transgender woman. The second major obstacle or unknown was would accomplishing my goal be as rewarding as I thought it all would be.

The great unknown was when I gave away all my remaining male clothes. It was the final symbolic step in saying goodbye to my old male self. It was so different  waking up  and having to be a feminine person rather than just wanting to be a woman on a temporary basis. The first thing which happened was I needed to accept what kind of girl did I wanted to be. As it turned out, it was during this time my inner woman took over. To make a long story short, I was more of a boho style tomboy, than I was a girly girl. I learned whatever the outcome, the transition came so naturally I wondered why I took so long to undertake it. 

As I reach my mid seventies and have less life to live than I have lived, I hope the unknowns will be less noticeable but I doubt it. What fun would that be anyhow?

Transgender Discovery

Pride Photo from past with Ohio
River. From the Jessie Hart
Collection

Recently on the day that Pride began, I guess it was fitting one of my long ago male friends found out the changes I have gone through. 

I wasn't there to witness how he learned my name had changed and I was living as a woman a distance away in Cincinnati, Ohio. What happened was my daughter and first wife were attending a funeral for my friend's nephew. After the ceremony my friend from way back in my high school and Army days asked innocently enough how (my dead name) was doing.  Keep in mind I haven't seen or heard from him in nearly forty plus years. He served some very difficult duty in Vietnam and for all intents and purposes became a hermit. 

Amazingly, after he asked my ex wife about me by my old dead name, she said "Who?" By this time my very supportive daughter was listening intently. The next thing that happened was my ex wife told him the whole truth concerning my gender transition to which he seemed to be very confused according to my daughter.  I'm a little surprised he was confused with the transgender concept because he has another nephew who is a transgender man. Perhaps it was because when he knew me I was in a macho overdrive attempting to cover up any feminine tendencies I may have had. Except when I went to one Halloween party with him and his soon to be wife dressed as my attempt as a sexy woman. I guess I was too good at hiding I was macho through my feminine outfit I was enjoying so much.

The biggest surprise I had from the entire episode of coming out with someone I hadn't seen for decades came from my wife Liz. Once I told her what happened, she asked if I was mad at or disappointed with how my ex wife handled the whole thing. I immediately said no. Most certainly I don't care if any of the very rare individuals from my past know I am now living as a transgender woman. In fact, I can't remember anyone I haven't told if I had any contact with them at all. As I always have said, I had such a small circle of male friends it is easy to remember any I never told my deep dark secret. In fact I never had to because nearly all of my old male friends passed away before I transitioned to a fulltime transgender woman. It seemed though, one previous friend I hadn't even considered slipped through the cracks. 

I also think if he had been paying attention, I was/am not the only transgender person in his immediate family or previous acquaintances. As I previously written, he has a nephew who is trans as well as my daughter's child who is trans also. Since it has been decades since I have seen him I have no idea of how he is reacting. 

Positively I hope.   

It's LGBTQ Pride Month

Caitlyn Jenner...NOT the face of Pride

Once a year we pause to join the world with our Pride month. This year is ever more important that the transgender (or "T") of the LGBTQ alphabet is visible.

Why do we have to be more visible? Because of all the recent anti legislative bills which typically involve the perceived weakest link of all the LGBTQ facets in the public eye. The fact remains, most of the public does not know a trans person. Plus the trans umbrella still seems to be plagued by negative supposed role models like Caitlyn Jenner. Because of all of that and more it essential as much as possible we stand up for ourselves in a positive manner.

Now let's get down to Pride Celebrations themselves. In todays' ultra restrictive societies some react to the hypocrisy of certain big companies/corporations which sponsor Prides then do nothing the rest of the year to further the rights of individual transgender women or men. This year, the entire matter just seems to be overshadowed  by situations such as the beer "Bud Light" went through. 

Personally, the problem I had with major Pride celebrations was the influence of drag queens. It always seemed to me the transgender community was overshadowed by overly made up men in dresses. Again, this year is different because even the right to dress in drag has come under attack in some states. Of course I support the right of drag queens to do their thing and that means continuing their representation at Pride events. Just don't confuse it with me.

In fact, in the past, when I have attended larger Pride celebrations in Ohio, I felt I needed to separate myself from the drag queens. One year after we first met, my wife Liz even made me a shirt to wear which said "Transgender Veteran, I fought for your right to deny me mine,"   I wanted to show the world I was not a drag queen. 

Regardless of all of that, the biggest issue with LGBTQ Prides this year is everyone's personal safety. Even with the possible threat of violence hanging over everyone's head this year, more and more smaller communities around me at least are starting or continuing their own Pride celebrations. It is good to see. Since transgender people have been around since the beginning of time, we most certainly aren't going anywhere now.   

Hopefully attending the Cincinnati celebration Liz and I have attended in the past will be a possibility this year also. (It's coming up later in the month,) Since I have mobility problems and Liz has an upcoming medical procedure, we will just have to wait and see. In the meantime, enjoy your LGBTQ Pride Month. 

Transgender Losses

Photo from
the Jessie 
Hart Collection

 One of the main transphobic arguments I read is we transgender persons have a choice to live as we do.

No one ever mentions all the things we have to give up to exist as our authentic selves. Just a few of the things we often have to give up is contact with immediate family, employment and friends. The older we start our transitions, often the it is the more we have accumulated in life and have to give up. Being placed between the gender rock and the hard place leads to terrible problems. Problems no one would accept if they didn't need to, just to live. In no way was it ever a choice. 

If you have gone through a transgender transition, I am sure you have losses you have undergone. I am an example in that specifically I have lost all contact with my only brother and his family when I came out to him. I would have lost more than my brother if I had it to lose. By the time I completed my MtF gender transition in my early sixties, I had sadly lost (to death) my second wife of twenty five years, nearly all of my close male friends (which I had very few of) and employment, since I was nearly old enough to retire on Social Security. As you can tell I did not have that much to lose once I made the choice to transition. Seemingly destiny had intervened and doors were being opened wide for me to go through. So wide, it was even about same time the Veterans' Administration health care system approved administering hormone replacement therapy for transgender veterans which I was one of. 

All in all, I feel I experienced an easier time during my later in life transition than most others. During the decades before I considered myself transgender, I described myself as a "serious" cross dresser. Being a serious cross dresser enabled me to come closer to learning the fine art of feminine dressing and makeup. I even survived the cross dressing teen years when I tried to dress too sexy which turned out to be too trashy. Having all of that behind me really helped my survival rate when I needed it the most as I was seriously out in the public's eye as a transgender woman. 

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention the loss of all the male privileges I went through. All of a sudden I seemingly lost part of my intelligence. Even to the point of not being listened to when my car stalled out one day and I needed to call a tow truck. When I did, the driver, along with a sheriff who had stopped to help me huddled (without me) to map out the easiest route back to my house. Like I didn't know? I learned the hard way perhaps the biggest privilege I lost when I began to live fulltime as a transgender woman was my own personal safety. I was lucky in a couple circumstances when I exposed myself to danger by placing myself in situations which could have led to problems. I had to learn the hard way what every other woman knows about not going into dark places with no potential escape routes. 

Even though my transgender losses may have been less than others, I still lost enough to know transitioning was more than a choice for me. I had to do it or take my own life.