Party Time

A real picture of the social Friday night. My partner Liz is on the left and Cathy, everybody's self appointed "super cross dresser" is on the right.


This picture proves I look better in a bar in neon light :) Or, as the old country song buts it, all the girls look better at closing time.

To Be or Not to Be

Last night's social was as as successful as it usually is. The only difference came when when I was waiting for Liz outside the women's room when we were ready to leave. As I was sitting on a stool, an attractive cis woman and her friend came out of the bathroom. We briefly exchanged glances and she smiled and said Hi and reached out and touched me. First I was flattered, then I was slightly depressed I was read as being transgender. More on that later.

Before all of that happened, I was observing one of the trans men at the table. Normally he is very affable but last night, he was very uptight for some reason. This morning he said on his Facebook page he has been suffering anxiety from his gender dysphoria.

I felt somewhat the same way this morning as I looked in the mirror. All of the sudden I wondered just how in the hell I got here. Living full time as a trans woman. Then, I flashed back to last night and the cis woman who reached out to me so briefly. She took me back to the days when I was first trying to find my place in a feminine world.

As I normally do, I kept thinking in fact, I know how I got here. I was born into it and have/had no choice in the matter, no matter how hard I fought.

I'm fortunate, I can keep my gender dysphoria to a minimum. Simply by living it.

Being in my present is completely superior to living in my "not to be" past.

Busy Weekend

It seems I have a busier weekend than I thought coming up. As I previously wrote about, tonight (Friday) is karaoke social night. Anymore it seems, fewer and fewer of the attendee's even try to sing and go simply because there is safety in numbers at this location. Or, we/they are accepted there. Also, it's a very nice time for the part-time cross dressers to wear their new outfits. As one of the few cis-women there, I think my partner Liz likes all the attention she gets. Especially after losing 120 pounds. As far as true transgender women anymore, I think the number is shrinking, due to several factors. The major one being the sudden lack of "admirers" who happened to be at the restaurant. In other words, for awhile, there seemed to be several men attracted to certain members of the group. They quit coming for one reason or another.

Tomorrow night (Saturday) we are going back to the upscale Italian restaurant we frequent fairly regularly. That's the good news, the bad news is the cross dresser who is madly in love with Liz will be there too. There is not much nice I can write about him except I love to block his advances and the food is good. As far as I ever get "dressed up" happens when we go to this place. I'm thinking about reintroducing my cream colored over the hip sweater with a pair of patterned leggings and black boots. The venue is upscale casual, so the outfit should work well.

Finally Sunday, we have another get together with the non trans - crossdresser group we are in. It's the one where the woman I call the "prodder" or Mom comes to. If you don't remember, she was the one who always had something derogatory to say about my hair. I am hoping she comes so she can see my new hair. With my luck, she won't be there.

I just hope we can be home in time for the Super Bowl. For any number of reasons I am keeping my picks quiet. Although I am rooting for the Rams :) 

Emergency Room Angst

Having your nails done, in color at least, does represent some sort of no turning back as far as a transgender transition goes.  Here are a couple of stories. One from me and one from Connie. Mine was less painful.

Years ago, I was in a hurry to make a payment on my car and I forgot my nails were done. It turned out I was short on time and needed to make the payment before I was penalized with a late charge, so I decided to pay it anyhow. I was already on HRT and my hair was tied back in a pony tail. In those days, I was relatively androgynous looking anyway, so why not.

The woman who took my money sort of smiled when she saw my hands but that was it. It turned out not long after the day, I was able to pay my loan off and moved away, never to see her again anyway. It was during the winter and I didn't forget my gloves when I went in to make my final payment. Through the whole affair, nothing was said.

Connie's story is a bit more complex and refers to the Cyrsti's Condo post "Burgundy Dreams."
"Well, since nail polish has no gender, I guess it's for whomever wants it! I often see couples getting pedicures together - even whole families. I have yet to see a man by himself, though. 

This reminds me of when I was still but dipping my painted toe to test the waters of transition. A number of years ago, I had an experience that was seminal to my finally accepting myself for who I was. Because my cash flow had become so sporadic (I only worked as my male-self, but was only presenting that way about 15% of the time), I was behind on paying my water bill. The utility company sent out a technician to either collect or shut off my water, but I was afraid to answer the door with my female presentation. By the time I "undid" myself to stop it, the tech had done his work at the meter. I was told that I could pay with a credit card over the phone, and the tech would return to unlock my meter that afternoon - but I had to be there when he was. So, to make sure I wouldn't miss him, I decided to do some work outside. I was up on a ladder, that I had put up in haste, when he showed up, and so that worked out OK, and the water was back on. Not long after he left, though, the ladder slipped out from under me, and I crashed to the surface of the deck, hitting my head on a ladder wrung. My neighbor heard it, and ran over to help. 

Long story short, I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance because I had concussion symptoms. The first thing they did in the emergency room was to remove my clothing, and when they got to my socks, there were my freshly polished toenails, exposed for all to see! I joked that I was outed now, but the nurses were completely ambivalent. 

So, I learned a lot that day. Painted toenails are nothing compared to a serious injury. Had I not been afraid to answer the door to pay a bill that wouldn't have been overdue in the first place, if I'd just been living my life earnestly, none of this would have happened. Within weeks, I had secured work as my feminine-self, and I never hesitated to open my front door again. Eventually, I also learned that, although coming out requires the opening of a door, keeping it open allows for others to come in, as well."

Very profound! Thanks :)

Burgundy Dreams?

Sunday turned out to be the pick day to go get our nails done again. This time I did away with the red and went with a deep tone of burgundy.

I was fortunate in getting the same nail tech I had last time. She does a good job and speaks enough English I can understand her. Plus, this time around, I started to calm down and enjoy the experience.

During my visit I couldn't help but notice an older man and his wife getting pedicures. His wife looked totally ill at ease, so I couldn't help wondering if there wasn't more to the story. At any rate, I heard him proudly claim he didn't want any color on his toe nails and why wasn't there nail polish for men. I was thinking he could have gone for some sort of clear coat but he didn't.

At any rate, I am finally getting to the point where I can calm down and really enjoy the experience. Even without the distractions.

Landslide

For know of you who don't know , Cincinnati, Ohio (where I live) is a very hilly city on the shores of the Ohio River.

Last night was the scheduled transgender - cross dresser support group meeting I somehow have become a mainstay attendee.

Yesterday though, due to the heavy rains we have seen, my route to get there on a highway which curves along the river was closed due to a landslide. Plus we were expecting a wintry mix ahead of an arctic vortex Wednesday and Thursday, so I decided not try my hand at a tricky detour to get there. I figured too, the rest of the group could muddle on without me.

 So, I lost the chance for yet another post about the group.

Later on in the week though, we will have another chance to go to the monthly karaoke social and undoubtedly get invited out Saturday night too. So, I'm sure, I will have gossip to pass along to all of you.

This weekend too, thanks to Ohio weather, we are expecting temperatures near sixty. A change over three days of approximately 60 degrees (F). It's no wonder everyone is sick!

Now I have to head back to my wardrobe. It's going to be a challenge to find enough layers for the cold and not look like a Pillsbury snow girl!

"Mo" Military

In reply to our Cyrsti's Condo discussion about serving in the military, Connie mentioned her deceased brother in law (who served in the infantry) didn't hold it against her for not serving. To that, Michelle replied:

2. 
   Michelle HartJanuary 26, 2019 at 10:20 AM

   "Connie, as your Brother in law said you had nothing to feel guilty about not serving. It's people like the Rump that has to apologize. As for outing yourself, unless you had documentation (something that was really hard to get back then) you might have been looked at as just another individual that was trying to get out of serving. I watched a guy wearing women's underwear get accepted because he didn't have a note from his doctor. Just a little background on me, my number was 72 in 1970 but I joined to at least give myself a little choice in how I would serve. I also joined because of the thought that the military would make a man out of me and end my GD. I can honestly state that it didn't chance anything except my choice in clothing during my on duty time.
   
   As Cyrsti discovered, the down the road benefits would come in handy. I am fully covered for medical by the VA and have discovered many of the benefits from service organizations that most would not qualify for."
3. I was engaged at the time Michelle and my fiance basically gave me the ultimatum...it was her or the Army, She knew of my cross dressing at the time, so she fully expected me to try to get out of serving by telling them I was a cross dresser and even possibly gay. My number was 27, and I was not in any position to try to get a doctor's excuse.  It was not as easy as walking into the draft board in drag. 
4. Although I didn't labor under the impression military service would "make me a man", I did hope the whole experience would decrease my dysphoria and make me more macho to the outside world.  No, it didst decrease my dysphoria but the macho part worked. 
5. FYI, Michelle is no relation (I don't think) but thanks for the comment!

II

Dysphoria?

Liz's martial arts banquet was Friday and my eldest grandson's birthday party was Saturday. Both turned out to be fun events.

As I wrote about previously, I wore my newest fave outfit. I was warm, comfortable and relaxed. It turned out I received very little attention from anyone in particular. Even the food was good. No rubber chicken this year. The presenters kept the evening moving too, so we were able to leave an hour or so earlier than expected.

Saturday, the birthday party was very enjoyable. The small family gathering was genuinely happy to see us. Since it was the first time they had seen me with my new hair, I was complimented several times. Again, the food and company was good.

It wasn't lost on me how comfortable I felt all weekend. For the first time in my life, dysphoria didn't have a chance to creep in and destroy what I was doing.

Of interest, I was talking about my hair stylist's transgender son being outed in his new school. It turns out he did a modeling layout in a local magazine and somehow they found out about his feminine past. Now he is experiencing problems with his new friends at school. I told my daughter definitely being transgender was the gift which keeps on giving.

Right now mine is gifting me.   

Change in Plans

Due to sub zero (Fahrenheit) temperatures, I have decided to change the outfit I was going to wear tonight to something more weather appropriate. The sleeveless glittery top is out and my new black sweater I got for Christmas is in. The black pants are out and one of the sets of patterned leggings are in. Finally, the black flats are out and the new black boots are in, since we still have snow on the ground.

On the bright side, Liz is working on a new black and gold bracelet for me to wear. I plan on wearing my crystal necklace and matching ear-rings.

I can dress the outfit up even further with my one and only fancy black beaded bag which I save for special occasions. I was also interested to learn there is another transgender person (man) in the group as well as a closeted cross dresser.

Last year, the food was good and there was no rubber chicken, so I am looking forward to the evening.