It's a Thin Line

Last week during my transgender veteran support group I told a couple of experiences I had during what I called my "formative" years as a cross dresser. By formative I mean I was searching to see if a feminine life for me was all I thought it would/could be.

Every time I describe myself as a "former crossdresser" I look for reactions at the same time.

Why?

I know transgender purists say you are trans or not from basically birth and by all accounts I was. The problems came as I built a rather successful male life, it became harder and harder to give up. Plus, information on transgender people was just not as available (or available at all to us.)

So when I talked about singing karaoke with a very masculine lesbian in her cowboy hat (by her direction) and trying to beat my wife home from work at midnight, you can understand the confused or bemused looks around the table.

I find it amusing too that my therapist doesn't understand my past and present paranoia about using the correct restroom (women's). After all it was me who had the cops called on me three times. I learned quickly the proper rest room etiquette and then some. I always carried some sort of feminine hygiene product just in case a not so slick cis woman tried to trip me up, and I had one.

So, the line was thin between being an accomplished cross dresser and a transgender woman-if you believe there ever was one. I know some of you do and some don't and I know too there are a few cis women (GG's) who keep up with the blog who wonder too about their spouses. Which is another blog post altogether.

Some day we will have to cross that thin line.

Thanks!

We received several nice holiday greetings here in Cyrsti's Condo from Paula, Mandy, Connie,Calie and others! Happy holidays to you and yours :).

Most of  our work was done Christmas Eve, so Liz and I had a chance to kick back and relax and watch my fave seasonal classic-A Christmas Story. It's a period piece which takes place in Cleveland, Ohio and among other plot lines, involves a pre teen boys' quest to get a BB Gun for Christmas. Which is exactly what I did not want to get but did anyhow. My brother got one too and we used to have shootouts in the backyard. I could never hit him but he could me. As I progressed through life, I found I was never destined to be much better of a marksman. Even in the Army.

At the least though, since I have been able to transition finally, I can watch the movie for it's own sake and catch more of the humor. It's amazing how that works.

On the flip side, North Carolina managed to stay in the transgender dark ages and not rescind it's discriminatory bathroom law. Which essentially means I would have to use a men's room in public places. On the other hand Kentucky's very Republican governor said he would veto any attempt to pass a similar bill. A move which would hurt the many civilized areas of Kentucky such as the part across from Cincinnati, Lexington, Louisville, Frankfort and others. So the boycott of North Carolina did work...just not there.

Again, thanks all for checking in and following the blog and to all the rest of you who do too! (The silent majority dare I say.)

And So It Is Christmas!

My fondest desire for all of you is you have an accepting family this Holiday. Too many transgender women and trans men just don't.

Even after I was old enough to understand completely why I would rather have a doll for Christmas rather than the BB Gun I got, I still took years to understand the complete ramifications for coming out of the closet as transgender.

After I did a couple of years ago, I was lucky and only lost half of of family. My brother would not stand up to his in laws. Ironically, I gained two sets of family with my partner Liz and my daughter and her in laws. Turns out change was good after all.

As I said, Best Wishes during this Yule Holiday Season!

Jessie

Busy,Busy,Busy

Unfortunately, I don't mean shopping busy and my parties with cross dressing friends have long since been a part of my past. Nothing negative, I just don't seem to fit anymore.

What isn't in the past is a seeming frenetic attempt by the VA to catch up all my activity with them by the end of the year.

This morning I went for an updated eye exam and found all was well and I even have another set of glasses coming which is good. Once I got to the clinic this morning my trans-dar was going crazy as I briefly got a chance to take a look at a woman I perceived to be transgender in the waiting room. I could have been wrong though when they answered to the name of Tom. (with make-up)

Also, I finally arm wrestled my way into moving my mammogram into January. Seemingly, once the consult was called in under "urgent" the VA was making sure it was. I suppose it's because my maternal grandmother passed from breast cancer in the 1950's, my age (67) and the fact I have passed the 3 year mark on HRT. Mammograms are very important I know and in fact have never been more than a minor inconvenience to me. So I guess I'm being a huge whiner.

Plus I do have an appointment with my therapist next Thursday and just attended the transgender veteran support group in Dayton, Ohio yesterday.

Finally, in a move perhaps designed to cut back on Christmas bonuses, Liz's company has scheduled their Holiday party for the middle of January. Again it will not be a big deal outfit wise as most of her office staff dresses very casual and the venue is in a combo huge sports bar/arcade. One way or another it should be fun!

I think that is it until tomorrow. But on the positive side, Liz does have a ton of time off coming, so we can enjoy the Holidays also!  

Cyrsti's Condo Monday Edition-on Tuesday!

Monday was a busy day so I am putting together an extra day into this post. It is still cold around here but for awhile we are escaping the sub zero freezer box just to the north of us. It is still chilly enough for your fave cozy flannel "jammies" and a hot cup o joe or cocoa. Let's get started.

Page One : The Week that Was or Wasn't: In the middle of all the negative post election LGBT news, one huge positive has come out of North Carolina, After losing billions of dollars to events leaving the state for more liberal pastures, North Carolina's Governor is to repeal the highly transgender discrimination bill in the state. A big victory for the trans community to be sure.

Page Two: Yesterdays' Coffee-Opinion:  Connie (per norm) sent in a couple of very decent comments, including this one about my New Years Eve outfit: "So, is that NYE outfit a sequined Buckeye jersey? You're not going to miss the game for a party, now, are you? Of course, you may be just looking ahead to a championship game against #1;Bama, but it's my hope it will be the UW vs OSU for that game. Trash talkin' is so much fun! :-)"

Truthfully, the Buckeye game schedule did throw my outfit into a different mode in that I don't yet have any "Scarlet & Gray" (The Ohio State colors) sequined  gowns in my wardrobe. But I do have a freshly made Scarlet and Gray knitted scarf as an early Christmas present to use as my lucky charm as Clemson is tough, Needless to say, I will compromise for my team! Plus, our fave New Years Eve venue overlooking the Ohio River does have plenty of television screens!!!!

As far as Washington/Bama goes-good luck. Alabama is tough!

 Page Three : Mo Mail: Joanna Santos commented on my MtF transition post: "Easy. it certainly ain't!" No it is not for the faint of hearted. Thanks Joanna! Also Connie commented on sub zero receptions from people we meet which puts the weather to shame. How correct that is and nearly all of mine in the past have come from other women-cis or even transgender. 

Page Four: The Back Page: Well, it's time to wrap this up and move on with my day. It's been nice chatting and thanks as always for stopping by! I love you all :)

Jessie

Geez-It's Quiet Around Here

Silence has always been my worse enemy. If I can't be around people and/or write about them, I get a little edgy.

Plus if you try to write as much as I do, I need material.

For example a couple nights ago, a committee Liz and I are working on to organize another witches Halloween Ball met to look at a venue. The venue was perfect (as we all knew) but we had to reserve it this far ahead to get it.

I didn't say much except that last last year's tickets were too expensive and to keep this years price point down as much as we can.

No one from the venue paid the trans girl much attention as I wondered around the place I had such a good evening in the past.

Liz and I actually had one of our first dates there at an earlier Halloween event when I broke one of my own rules and tried to wear heels for the evening.

This year should  be fun as we are doing a version of Alice/Teapot etc. Putting together a costume should be fun.

You may ask how does this all tie together? Actually, it's pretty simple. I didn't have a damn thing to write about so I jumped ahead to Halloween and being accepted by the organizers as who I am-transgender.

I do have a New Years Eve outfit picked out so I was saving it for later. And, next week, is another meeting of the transgender veterans group I am in. Plus, another meeting with my therapist.

Such is life writing a blog!!!

Baby It's COLD Outside!

Just because we hit sub zero wind chill temperatures last night and today around here in Ohio, is not really the reason behind this post.

As I was coming back in from the mailbox a bit ago, I got to thinking how did I know it was cold. Of course I came to the conclusion- it was. It just was.

Then I took the process a step further as I took off my coat, scarf and gloves then applied the process to being transgender.

I always shared a sense of anger and amusement when anyone suggested to me being transgender was a choice. It never was for me no matter how hard I tried to hide it. Being trans just was.

When I finally came to that point in my life when I could accept it, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I knew I was cold today just as much as I knew I was transgender and that alone provided me with a little bit of warmth on a sub zero day.

If I Knew Then...

Often I get asked what I did or what I would change to get to this point in my life and I have a few easy answers which were damn hard to learn!

First of all Mtf gender transitioning to me was not being brave. Embarking on the transgender process was increasing clear to me was one I needed desperately to make it through this world alive. I had to make a change. One suicide attempt was enough.

As far as the mechanics of just living in a feminine world, the complexities were enormous. I found the society of women to be as complex as I thought it would be and it did not take me long to experience first hand the effects of say feminine passive aggression among others.

Then of course there were the problems I still face such as presenting to the best of my ability. I had to learn that more make up was not necessarily the right way to go and how to dress to blend. As I grew my own hair, then all of the sudden I faced another set of challenges. For the first time (since I wasn't wearing wigs) I couldn't easily see the back of my head and had to rely on mirrors to judge how the hair on the back side of my head looked.

When the effects of HRT began to set in, a whole different set of opportunities set in such as emotions etc. On the positive side I began the exciting breast development and skin softening which of course accompanied the process of just somehow feeling different.

Regrets? A double edged sword. Karma giveth and taketh away. On one side I wish I would have started this journey in earnest earlier. But then again I wouldn't give up so many of the fond guy memories I made including the best of all-my daughter.

So, there you go, a very short version of fifty plus years of discovery for me. Starting cross dressing and ending as the proud transgender woman I am today has taken its exciting and then again scary turns for me. I tend to be thinking about all of this more as I pass through the one year mark of legally changing my gender.

The trip is certainly not for the faint of heart, but then again, only your heart can tell you to do it.

Cyrsti's Condo Monday Morning Edition

Greetings and welcome into another Cyrsti's Condo Monday morning edition. It's chilly here in Southwestern Ohio, but so far we have missed most of the snow just North of us. Let's grab a steamy "cup o Joe" and get started.

Page One: The Week that Was-or Wasn't: Nothing too amazing to report in my life. Of course the post election news continues to sizzle and I try not to be too paranoid what it means to the LGBT community moving forward. It's tough though with some of the appointee's being announced. Already some of the reforms in neighboring states (Kentucky) are under attack with new bills expected to pass which would open the doors wide open again to LGBTQ discrimination. I guess if you are one of the transgender Trump voters...here you go. Discrimination on yourself.

Page Two: The Holidays: It doesn't seem possible but it has been close to a year now when I changed all my legal gender markers. Somehow, it is seemingly making Christmas a little brighter this year. Unfortunately, I know the Holidays are a rough time for many transgender women and men who have been disowned by their families.

My family split right down the middle of the acceptance road with a total breakdown of relations with my brother's family. I am fortunate though to have been totally accepted by my daughter's in laws and Liz's family. So, I know a little of both sides of the road-per norm.

Page Three: The Back Page: As I said, it's been pretty quiet around here. I don't know yet if I am going to the Cincinnati VA Women's Christmas Party this week because of car issues. But, I am going to try. I think I should still try. It is Wednesday. I also have my "Safe Space" meeting Friday I try to go to without fail. So, it will be a "social" week if I can pull it off.

In the meantime, my laptop battery is telling me it's time to go. I love you all and thanks for taking the time to stop past Cyrsti's Condo!

Jessie (My legal name.)