Women Form Cliques and Men Form Teams

No big earth shattering news in that headline? Right? All in all, it's just another version of "Women are from Venus" and "Men from Mars."  Over the years, I have written about where transwomen and transgender men come from.

I think (assuming we make it through life relatively unscathed) we are Earthlings. Why? Because we do assume a highly unique view of the genders by simply living our lives. Men mistrust us because we have made a conscious choice to leave the "team." Women often are much more curious as to the reasons behind us joining their's.

As I widened my scope of feminine acquaintances who have never met my past self, it seemed that only a few doors had to be opened and I was admitted to what I have always called the "girl's sandbox".

I found for the most part, I did not threaten the other cis women except for the ones who always seemed to keep in the back of their noggin's the nagging idea I used to live a very male life. So I didn't matter to the average woman chasing down a man, stuck in family drama-etc-or I was just too damn old and certainly wasn't going to win any beauty battles!

On Mars, I always felt it was ironic that once I chose to leave the man's team, I was for the most  part feared or very/very excluded. I guess because they felt I was cheating in the gender game. No sports or beer for me!

Which brings me full circle to my journal post for today-what type of women do I enjoy hanging out with the most?

It wasn't so long ago I would have said "all." Now, not so much. One example was a woman who was at the Nail Party the other night. For some reason, she just made me feel a little uneasy. We had never met before and we never really interacted that night, but she just didn't seem like the type I would meet for a cup of coffee anytime soon.

That's OK though, I will try to stay grounded here on Earth and let my transgender experience calm all the gender drama around me. All that traveling just makes me tired!

Who Deserves "What?"

I have been following Terri Lee Ryan's series of posts on the cross dressing culture. She is one of the few I have found who does not mix in transgender women into the mix. For the most part, I have agreed with, or at the least read with interest the posts. But the latest sort of "rubbed" me the wrong way.

It was entitled "Cross Dressers Deserve a Happy Marriage." I immediately thought-and who doesn't? Actually, she was reiterating what all of us already know. Whatever tripped whatever "switches" in our psyches to forever attract us to women's (or men's) clothes as CD's or to feel sure our gender issues go much deeper-just aren't going away...ever.

So yes Teri, cross dressers do deserve a happy marriage. But as you yourself wrote, walking that tightrope with a spouse who has one hand on the family checkbook and the other with a speed dial number to her divorce lawyer, is tough.

Sorry, Terri, looks like you were just reaching for a topic to speak to a choir with on this one. Plus you didn't mention the number of women who outwardly don't mind cross dressers-until it is her husband in her new dress.

Don't forget women have egos too!

Transgender Women and Violence

We all know the ever present threat of violence to trans women and men everywhere. Especially to those of color. But what we don't think about enough is how prevalent this violent behavior is to others in the LGBT community too.

As you Cyrsti's Condo regulars know, I'm a huge fan of Helen Boyd who has written two books (My Husband Betty) and teaches gender studies at Lawrence University in Wisconsin. After reading a recent post called "To the Guys" I strongly felt the need to pass it along. First of all though, I am going to give you an excerpt of why so many of us feel uneasy:

"When women complain about being catcalled, this is why. Too often we don’t feel safe and a catcall reminds us that we’re attracting attention – wanted or unwanted. & Sometimes it feels safer to be less noticeable when we’re out.

That phrase, “safe enough”, came out of a conversation I had with a gay man about what it’s like to walk past a guy on the street. You never know how he’s going to respond, or what’s going to happen. The safety concerns aren’t just women’s. The violence some of us worry about isn’t just sexual violence. It’s gay bashing. It’s transphobia. It’s racism.

The thing is, even if you’re not that guy, you probably know that guy. It’s not that you’d even know who he is, either, which is why everything you say or do when you’re only with other guys matters. Jokes about crazy bitches, gay men, all of that. When you don’t stand up in the little situations, the guys who would hurt gay men and trans people and women get permission. They think you hate us all too because of the jokes you tell or listen to without objecting.

Someone isn’t taking no for an answer, or is freaking out because a gay guy is crushed out on you, or because a trans woman is hot."

What I like about Helen is she is speaking from experience (with a transgender spouse).

You can read more of this thought provoking post here, and maybe think a little more about your safety in the near future. Especially if you are just coming out of the closet into the feminine world.

The World Wide Condo?

One thing I forgot to mention about our last Cyrsti's Condo post was is a reflection of my generation I guess.

Mick Dodge

I just didn't realize how much the post was truly international in scope. Jeni is in Australia, Paula in the UK, I of course am in Ohio (Mid West USA) and Connie lives in Seattle (Pacific West Coast) - in Mick Dodge's tree house.

The internet lives and the transgender world is alive and well on it!!!

Cross Dressing and the Guy Next Door?

After the Cyrsti's Condo "20 Word" post on words you believe to be female in nature, Connie came up with an idea to do 20 for cross dressers and Jeni even directed me over to a Paula Goodwin Facebook post on "Crossdressing Success Stories." Both are incredibly interesting. 

First, Paula's- being the bitch I am (on the 20 word list) or inquiring minds want to know, doesn't one have to define what dictates "success" as a crossdresser? I mean if you can go shopping or whatever as a girl and not be "busted as a guy",is that "success? In that case, I'm pretty sure I had tons more failures than success. I guess the biggest success I had though was figuring out the clothes actually had very little to do with the process. Something much deeper was going on. Which brings me to another comment sent in from Jeni (I paraphrase) - how many times does cross dressing lead to a person becoming transgender. 

Number one, I don't believe someone "becomes" trans. Either you is, or you 'ain't.' It may manifest itself in your life at any time, but it's there. So, like marijuana leading to doing heroin, a cross dresser will not automatically take the path to a transgender future. If the dots are already there-they are easier to connect.

As far as 20 "crossdressing words", here is part of Connie's comment:

"OK, we could try to come up with a different list: 20 Reasons People Cross Dress. Notice that I say "people", as the lists may be different for men than for women. Also, and more importantly, designating the sex of the cross dresser would change the whole definition. That is, I believe there is a difference between a cis male who identifies as such, but partakes in the activity of wearing women's attire (to whatever degree and for whatever reason) and a cis male who (gender) identifies as a woman wearing women's attire (to whatever degree and for whatever duration).

 I know many more (self proclaimed) cross dressers than (self proclaimed) transgender women ("full-time" or "part-time"), yet I'm not sure that the self-proclamations are always accurate. Many of the cross dressers may have just settled for the lifestyle out of fear of the loss of loved ones or a career, but they, at the same time, identify their genders as being female in secret. So, they cross dress (or do they?), when they can get away with it, as a coping mechanism. Furthermore, their self-proclamation could very well be a coping mechanism (denial) in itself. *Been there-done that."

Go here for the rest!

Trans-Dawn

I missed a true pink and blue sunset over downtown Cincinnati last night. So this was the best I could come up with this morning.

    Just had to call it "trans dawn" and send it along with tons of positive vibes to all of you down on your luck and/or still huddled in a dark closet.

A brighter day is coming!!!

20 Words?

Before I get into this post on coming up with 20 words to describe "femaleness", I want to thank Connie for pointing out I was going through "transgender menopause" (since I have been off my hormones.) I prefer to think of the process as "follow the bouncing hormones" and feel sorry for Liz!

Now, back to the 20 words. I came up with 23 actually and ran out of space. Without boring you with all of them, of course I came up with the nurturing, love type words but then had to come right back with mean,petty,vain and bitchy. Femaleness to me is the height of connecting with the Momma Earth during her good times and bad. 

I've had the majority of the women I have come across accept me with a certain curiosity but then had more than I can say who wanted to harm me with a glance. 

Of course I had to add in all the physical words femaleness means to me. Soft,curves,smooth,hair and movement come to mind.

Just coming up with the 20 reinforced with me the good and bad of the transgender path I have taken.  As we know, women are multi layered critters.

Aren't We Really All Cross Dressers?

I remember years ago I brought this topic up to a mixed group of transsexual,transgender and cross dressers here on the blog, and got rocked.

I assume perhaps I would again today, except in the 20 something and below generation -who is much more accepting to gender fluid roles.

I am sure many of you remember the "Red Badge of Courage" days when going under the knife for SRS and going stealth with a man was THE goal. Having that goal is still all good but at some point in their lives wasn't there a man ready to get out of the closet.

Then, there are the purists who believe from their earliest days, they have felt like a girl but were forced to cross dress as a boy.

Now it seems, the term cross dresser has been mainly relegated to a semi negative term-which it shouldn't.

What a mess!!! 

Fortunately, I have quite a few comments to pass along which are pertinent to this topic:

The first from Connie:  For me, it's difficult to maintain an envisioning of the kind of woman I am, as it's the "transgender" part of it that gets in the way. I don't know who decided "trans*" would be a proper way of referring to me, but it's like saying I'm a "woman*", with the asterisk being necessary for clarification and definition to be footnoted. The trouble is that my spirit and soul are those of a woman; this I know of myself. Nobody else should be allowed to attach an asterisk to my spirit and soul - but there are plenty who will try.

So true! And of course mine- I wonder though if the real negative bitchy word games come mainly from the transgender/cross dressing community. The civilian world has had a tough enough time wondering where we came from all of the sudden.

Finally, I am going to leave you with this before we get back to a topic we discussed yesterday here in Cyrsti's Condo- 20  words which express "femaleness" to you. I think cross dressing may have developed more of a negative connotation from the "fetish CD's."??

Just Who the Hell do You Think You Are?

In my previous Cyrsti's Condo post, I mentioned the recommended way to start my journal-with the question of who did I think I was? Then I was positively blown away with the first question: how did I feel about being a woman? Then list 20 words I associate with "femaleness". 

Then, the second question asked "Did I ever consider being a man?" By this time I had barely noticed what the rest of the journal questions pertained to, I was so stunned.

As my noggin began to clear though, I began to think the questions through.

A quick example was how "back in the day" the great majority of the words I would have associated with "femaleness" would have been clothes/makeup/appearance orientated. Today, maybe only a few. (I am going to journal my "20" today.)

I simply flipped the "man question around: "Did I ever not consider being a man and how much pain did it cause me?" Again, I will  write down 20 words.

In future posts of course, I will pass along some of the other points from the journal list, such as if I wrote a book about my life (I did) what title would I give it "Stilettos on Thin Ice."
As well as other relevant questions about the type of women I get along with best, etc.

So, plenty of thought and words to pass along to all of you soon!!!