Not Scared? In the Wrong Room

 

Image from Alexandra Gorn
on UnSplash.

I cannot begin to tell you how terrified I was to interact with the public when I first began to attempt to live in the public's eye.

One night in particular always stands out in my mind. It was the evening when I had pre-determined my cross-dressing days were behind me and I was going out as a transgender woman. Furthermore, I knew if I was successful, it would change my life forever. As I prepared for my big night out, I took extra care with my outfit, makeup and hair. I wanted to make sure I blended properly with all the other women I would be interacting with at an upscale bar I was going to which was heavily frequented by professional women who worked at a nearby mall.

Once I made the short trip to the venue and found a parking spot relatively close to the front door. As I sat in the parking lot, the pressure to go in increased dramatically. As I nervously checked and adjusted my makeup in the car's rearview mirror, again and again the fact was not lost on me I could be changing my life forever. By the time I gathered my courage to actually enter the venue, I could barely breathe and was gasping for air. 

It took me awhile to gather my courage and enter the front doors of the place and interact with the hostess stand. Deep down, I was hoping the hostess would be busy seating other patrons so I could sneak on through and find a seat at the bar. The short distance from the hostess stand to the bar seemed to be miles to me but I made it and luckily found a corner seat at the bar by myself. Plus, the bar itself was supported by two large thick pillars. I figured if I found a seat next to one, I could blend in and hide if I needed to. I did not need to hide as I was approached for my order by a friendly bartender. 

Immediately, my fears began to melt as I ordered my first drink and even started to relax a bit and watch all the other women who had begun to arrive at the bar to enjoy each other's company. As I observed the group, I saw no one was noticing me. So far, so good. No one noticed a very scared novice transgender woman in their group. 

Of course, this evening was only the beginning of my new transgender journey. I knew my life had changed forever. I could never go back to the old unwanted, boring male life I was living. To move forward, there would be many nights when I would be very scared. Somehow, I learned to feed off my fear to propel me forward. No longer was I a weekend cross dresser, I was reborn as a very serious transgender woman.

My end game was using fear to refine my push forward by putting extra time and effort into my fashion and makeup. That way, when I needed to walk past a crowd of strangers in a new venue I was in, I could do it without any issues. 

I finally decided, if I did not feel any fear at all, I was in the wrong room. Especially, in today's climate, it pays to always be aware of your surroundings. Maybe fear is a strong word, but awareness is not. 

Happy Valentines Day

 

Happy Valentines Day Liz!!!

Admittedly, I have never been much of a romantic, as a former man or a woman. Over the years, I have started to change as I entered transgender womanhood. 

After my wife passed away, I was intensely lonely and began to look around for company. At first, I started by going on-line under various platforms. For example, one week I would list under woman seeking woman, then the next week, I would list under woman seeking man. In total, predictably, I received very few responses. None, I considered quality except one and her name was Liz who contacted me under woman seeking woman. She was from nearby Cincinnati.

In the meantime, I did make a couple other lesbian friends out of sheer will power by forcing myself into going out and being social. The first friend was introduced to me by her daughter at one of the sports bars I was a regular in. The daughter noticed I was always alone and thought it would be fun to do a little matchmaking.  The great part is, we still are friends to this day. 

Then one night when I was out to be alone, another woman came in to pick up a to go order and ended up sliding a note down the bar to me. We ended up meeting and she became part of a small group of women I partied with almost nightly. Plus, as I always say, these two women taught me so very much on what it would be like to live life as a woman, more than they will ever know. 

By now, you may be thinking, were there any men in my life? Yes, there were a few including all the ones who would stand me up on dating sites. I did have a couple memorable dates with guys which never went beyond the kissing stage. Even though I enjoyed being on the other side of the dating spectrum, I still much preferred the company of women. Especially when I was accepted for me. I was satisfied on where I was in my dating preferences and saw no need to change. Plus, when I went to lesbian mixers, I found I could further my preferences as a transgender lesbian.

Perhaps my biggest discovery was how many lesbians were not of the "gold star" variety which meant in their past they had some dealings with men. With me, they found a curious gender middle ground which the majority of insecure men were afraid to pursue. During this learning portion of my life, I ended up enjoying myself immensely.

What I have left out of all of this on purpose was my interaction with Liz. Through it all, we had continued to talk back and forth. Once I was brave enough for her to hear myself on the phone. We finally arrived at the point where her and a group of women friends from work were going to a drag show near Cincinnati. The drag show ended up being our first date nearly fourteen years ago. Obviously, everything went well and ten years later, we were married. 

On this Valentines Day, I credit Liz with being the only woman who ever told me she never saw any male in me at all. In many ways, she helped me back on my feet after some rough years of my life. Happy V-Day, Liz!

The Gender Envelope

 

Image from Alexandru
Zdobau on Unsplash.

Sure, I spent or waisted far too many years before I fully transitioned into transgender womanhood.

I was too slow for such a long time actually pushing my personal gender envelope when I was busy telling myself I was no more than part-time cross dresser. I saw no harm in just doing my best to look like a woman until it just wasn't the answer I was looking for. The more I cross dressed and improved my feminine presentation, the more I pushed the envelope and looked for more. Very quickly, my yearly Halloween adventures just were not enough.

I began to wonder if I made a good impression at Halloween, could I make the same impression if and when I tried to go out in public as a novice transgender woman. Following many trials and error experiences, I found I could survive a public which largely did not care about me. The big error I always point out is when I was not receiving any attention to speak of as a woman, I began to dress trashy to attract the wrong sort of attention. I was mistakenly pushing my gender envelope the wrong way. When I finally began to understand the best ways to dress my male body and apply the proper makeup, did I begin to be successful and blend in with other women in the world. 

Once I had accomplished all of the fashion, hair and makeup necessities, I allowed myself to further push my gender envelope. When I did, I found myself needing to understand how women exist in the world. Or how do they communicate with other women and men. I had a quite a bit of catching up to do since I was attempting to catch a moving train heading down the tracks. I did not have the benefit of growing up female with a mother or peer group to guide me. I always point out; the passive aggressive system of interaction most women operate under was the most difficult for me to learn. Since childhood, I was always used to the full-frontal confrontational world men operate in so I was attempting to survive in a whole new world.

Once I did survive, I began to push even harder, ignoring warnings from my wife on what would happen if I was ever caught. I put the male gay bars behind me and moved on to big sports bars and lesbian bars where I could actually be myself. I thought I had reached my peak when a dear friend of mine invited me to a trip to a NFL Monday Night Football game in Cincinnati. Even though I was very scared at the thought of going, I could not turn down a chance to empty my envelope and lay my gender cards on the table. Since I am not really a gambler, I hoped the lifetime of preparation I put into this moment would serve me well. 

The moment did serve me well. As always, I survived and became a better woman for it. Plus, I learned the game was only the beginning. The life in my transgender womanhood I was going to experience, would be extremely fulfilling and everything I thought it could be when I started pushing my gender envelope.