Doors

Or, in the gender out door.  It seems all my life I have been trying to force my way in the out door when my gender has been involved. 

Of course, similar to many of you, my earliest explorations into a feminine life involved diving into my Mom's clothing and makeup. The more I did, the more I felt the gender door I was trying to go through was closed to me. Still I persisted against all odds. The harder I pushed against the out door finally it seemed I could see just a little of what was beyond the door.  I guess you could say there was life outside of my gender closet.

The more I pushed, the harder the out door was to open. Looking back, I believe now the problem was I was still taking the whole process of transitioning into a feminine world too lightly. Even though I considered myself a student of watching the cis women in my life, my view was still clouded. I was so envious of their lives I couldn't see the forest for the trees, so to speak. The prime example is how I was so self centered on the appearance factor of being feminine, I missed the true layers of being a woman.

I then came to a point of no return. I was cross dressing as a man close to the amount of time I was spending as my authentic self. Most importantly I realized I was not challenging the out door enough and resolved to push through it and see if I could live my gender dream. I still remember the first night I resolved myself to seeing if I could blend in and present well in a venue I had frequented many times as my male self. 

To say I was terrified is an understatement. Literally, time stood still as I approached the door of the upscale restaurant/bar I chose for my personal coming out party. I am fond of writing an oxygen tank would have been my best accessory for the evening. Through it all, I was accepted and was able to find a seat at the crowded bar with several other women who were just getting off of work from their jobs at a nearby mall. Once I started to breathe normally I began to feel so normal. Once I had pushed the gender out door this far I felt I would never be able to return. 

I never did return. From that point on I set out to build a feminine life I thought  would never be possible. I made new friends who accepted me as my authentic self. My closest transgender friend even said I "passed" out of sheer will power. Which is the subject of another blog post. 

To make a long story short, I was able to shatter my gender out door and eventually start hormone replacement therapy. 

It was a long and difficult struggle. It took me over a half a century to get through the gender door but I made it.

A Holiday Reminder

 I am sharing this post I found on the "Kira Moore" WordPress  blog which spotlights the problems and loneliness many transgender women and men feel. Especially during the holidays when they have been ostracized by their families:

  

Stairsteps

 Over the years I have thought about my transgender transition as climbing a hill. then sliding down. Recently though, I have began to consider it as more of a trip up  a gender stairwell.

My first steps could have been the hardest. I had to live through the unmistakable urge to try on any or all of my Mom's clothes I could squeeze into. This step produced many feelings including confusion, fear and elation. This step was destined to last many years as I desperately tried to understand ad hide my inner feelings'

The next step brought with it the realization I wanted to be so much more than look like that girl I was seeing in the mirror. I didn't understand it fully at the time but I wanted to be the girl  staring back at me. All of a sudden, the feeling of wearing the clothes and the makeup faded away and a new deep longing settled in. 

Ironically the next several steps became steeper and blended in. As I became more experienced in the makeup arts and was able to build my own small collection of women's clothing, I am of the opinion I paused on these steps to look around and see where I was located. I did know, as far as my gender issues were concerned, not one thing had improved. I still would wake up in the morning wondering if
I wanted to spend the day cross dressed as a male or enter m more natural gender (feminine). Unfortunately, there was little I could do about it.

Years later, I was able to take giant steps and actually climb up and see if living a more natural life for me in a women's world was possible at all. It was around this time the internet was taking hold and I discovered new exciting terms such as transgender. It was on this step also when I began to attend "transvestite" mixers and actually learn from people who were close to being just like me. I remember awaiting my new copy of "Transvestia" magazine. What turned out from this step was a deep encouragement to take another. 

The next steps were the Halloween parties I attended. They all taught me yes I could present well enough as a woman to possibly get by in society. I have written in depth about them here in the past but briefly I can write all these steps were doing were creating more doubts about my ability to continue living a false life as a guy at all.

As I continued up my stairs, the newest landing, found me increasingly exploring the feminine world. I was leaving behind any ideas of being "just" a cross dresser and began exploring again the wild wonderful world of living as my authentic self. Although there is nothing at all wrong with being a cross dresser. At this point,  new steps brought me into a new feminine world of communication as well as losing my male privileges. As I reached these lofty gender heights, I had many fears of losing what remained of my life. Through it all, it seemed I had built a back stairway to use as a gender escape back to my old male life. Which made things worse and life unlivable at times. 

This all brings me to my final step which happened nearly seven years ago. I decided to give up my partial male cross dressing and live my life full time as my authentic self...a transgender woman. It was around this time too I started hormone replacement therapy to transform my body.

Finally after years of severe gender dysphoria I was able to tear down my back stairway and never looked back.  

Tennis Anyone?

This is another of my continuing series of posts revolving around chances I took cross dressing my way into becoming a transgender woman and living fulltime in a feminine world. 

In the restaurant/bar I used to manage, two cis women who I presumed were in their fifties, came in several days a week to enjoy a cocktail or two. During the warmer months they used to stop by after their tennis matches in their tennis outfits. Of course I was jealous of the fact I didn't have an outfit to match theirs.

Around the point in time I am writing about, the stores I loved to shop in started to carry short thin ribbed flared dresses in larger sizes. Perfect to put together a tennis outfit. All I needed to do was find a white one. As luck would have it, I found one in my size. I then set out to complete my "outfit". The problem I had was finding items and then hiding them from my wife. As luck would have it, we had a rarely visited other closet where I could hide an item. Often in plain sight. 

Now, back to the outfit. Finding a pair of white tennis shoes in my size actually proved to be fairly easy too. Now I had to figure out what to do about my legs. Even though I was able to shave my legs back then I added a pair of Leggs pantyhose and even added a pair of white thigh highs which didn't exactly fit the idea of what a cis woman would wear with a tennis outfit but still added some pizzaz to the whole image. After all, I was reliving my non existent teen girl years I missed. 

I finished off the whole tennis image with my long straight blonde wig.

Let me add in here, I had rarely even touched a tennis racket in my life so I would be without one when I went out.  Once I was secure (the best I could) in my tennis woman outfit, I headed out to one of my favorite up scale malls. My wife was working that day so I had free time on my hands. Once I arrived at the mall, I was able to semi relax and feel the air on my legs and I found also I attracted quite a bit of attention from the older men who seemingly were there to supposedly walk but probably to look at women too. 

The whole situation was I equated being stared at as validation as a woman. I was  to learn later in life it was so wrong. There is a thin line between being classy and trashy when you are first cross dressing in public. I'm afraid I crossed the line into trashy in my early days of journeying into a feminine world. If my tennis outfit crossed into trashy I can't tell you. It was so long ago.

My story is I was doing nothing different  than other cis women I had mentioned above. It was only another attempt to be just like them. 

Tennis was just an excuse.

Well, It was a Good Idea

 As I previously wrote about, yesterday was the day of the college class I was supposed to attend with several other LGBTQ board members of the group I am part of. 

As it turned out, I drove an hour and fifteen minutes one way to not ever locate the classroom I was looking for. 

Needless to say, I was deeply disappointed. 

Better luck next time.

Inspiration

 I will be on the road  today participating in a master's level Sociology class.

Here is a bit of inspiration in the meantime:

 

When Life Gives You Lipstick

 

When life gives you lipstick, wear it!

Anyway you cut it, life is never fair for everyone. I'm biased but I think transgender women are dealt the most difficult hands in life. First of all, we have to do the difficult work of  figuring out who we are. Looking back I have written numerous times about all the mornings I woke up and immediately tried to figure out if I was a boy or a girl. What made matters worse was the fact this all happened before the internet and social media eras. Loneliness was extreme. I wasn't old enough to understand all that was happening to me and there was no one to explain the meaning of being gender fluid.

In the meantime I did the best I could to survive. I even tried to "come out" to a friend in high school (a guy) and was roundly rejected. Looking back, I had a total girl crush on another friend which I never let on to. It seemed life had dealt me a hand I couldn't win. 

Once I turned driving age though, I did get a small break.  On a couple occasions I was able to cross dress and sneak out of the house when my parents were away. I remember the trepidation I felt when I saw my reflection for the first time in a store's shopping center window. On the other hand, I felt a bigger sense of accomplishment. Other than those extremely rare occasions, high school wasa continuation of my gender frustration. The only relief I felt were a couple of school events I went to which featured a couple of very presentable boys in drag. Needless to say I was very jealous. 

The biggest setback I thought was coming was being drafted into the military. Along with the obvious reasons to dislike my upcoming service was the fact that women didn't have to worry at all about the military. Ironically this all turned out to be the time when life gave me a potential set back and I was able to turn it all around for the better. First of all I was given very little chance of  continuing my career as a radio disc jockey in the Army and I did just that in the American Forces Radio and Television Service. Then perhaps more importantly, I was able to finally come out of the closet toa few of my closest friends as a transvestite. Finally, the gift which kept on giving was meeting the woman who would turn out to be my first wife and birthed my beloved accepting daughter. 

Even with all those successes, I was still missing a huge gap in my life. Something was still wrong. Around this time life gave me the transgender term and the internet to research it. .All of a sudden I knew who I was. All those times I went to the transvestite mixers and didn't quite fit in made sense.

It all left me with the huge "what if" questions. Life had given me the answer to my gender issues but also left me the choices to settle my problems. Was I going to take the chances to give up all my male privileges and live full time as a transgender woman. After years of experimentation and soul searching the answer became clear and I took the gender plunge. 

At this point life gave me options. When my wife passed away, she was my biggest naysayer, so tragedy turned to a bittersweet triumph. Around this time also, the Veterans Administration began offering Hormone Replacement Therapy which I could take advantage of at a very low cost and I was old enough I could take advantage of early Social Security retirement and not have to worry about coming out at work.

It turned out life was repaying me for all the years of  turmoil and stress it put me through. 

More Makeup Magic

 

Photo: Cyrsti Hart

Georgette wrote in and commented on my recent "Makeup Magic" post which delved into powerful memories of shopping for and trying to use my own makeup which I had saved up for from my meager allowance as well as my paper route money:

"I remember those days of going thru my mother's dresser drawers, And wondering what some of it was for, My mother hardly ever used much makeup, I don't know what they put in them but the red lipsticks didn't easily wash off, I developed a habit of biting my lips to have an excuse of why they were reddish.

My first time buying something for myself was in the mid 60's. My mother only wore stockings and so many of the other girls in my age were into some of the newer pattern pantyhose. That first store bought item of MINE. I had also gotten a plain pair of flats shoes. I was so happy and proud as they were mine and not borrowed from my mother. "

Thanks for the comment! As luck would have it, I was able to find a pair of women's shoes which fit and I cherished them for as long as I could before sadly I outgrew them. 

I also distinctly remember having my own wig was the impossible dream and it would be years before I could do anything about it. In fact, there were several "impossible dreams" I conquered on my path along the gender divide which I will write about in another post.

Thank You

 

Thanks to all you veterans who served and especially those who paid the ultimate sacrifice. 

I know fellow transgender veterans Michelle and Georgette have commented of past posts here in Cyrsti's Condo. Again, thanks for your service. 

Carla Lewis t-shirt on the left sums my thoughts up perfectly. I believe she had to leave the Air Force when it became known she was transgender. 

Just imagine how many others similar circumstances happened to. Or, then again, how many alive and dead served in silence. 

The Path

Source: Cyrsti Hart

Over the years here in Cyrsti's Condo I have been amazed how many of the like minded transgender women I have encountered followed the same transition path as I did. Then again, I have ran into many trans women with totally different paths.

I have written a number of times how I used athletics to cover up the fact I really preferred being a girl. For example, being a football player kept the bullies away. Enough said. Perhaps what I haven't written so much about was my military service. Unlike so many others, I didn't voluntarily join the Army to make me a man, I was drafted during the Vietnam War. Guess what,  my time served still didn't help me to stay in my male closet. It only helped to reinforce what I already knew, I had a woman lurking to experience the world. In fact, the military provided me the opportunity to come out of my closet to three close friends for the first time in my life. When I told them I was a transvestite. 

Now we can fast forward through all the years of Halloween parties being the only opportunity to leave the closet and experience the world as my girl self. 

In the 1980's was the first time I could be aggressive and force my gender closet open and sample the world as a woman. As with any other tremendously difficult endeavor, my path had it's ups and downs. I was frustrated when I felt I was taking one step forward then two steps back. For example, when I felt I looked the feminine part, I would do something such as twist my ankle in heels. 

Finally I decided I needed a plan for my path.  Instead of meandering without a plan, I decided to begin a process which would lead to a transition...or not. Here is what worked for me. Plus, I need to point out, it was a different time to attempt to come out of the closet, so stick with me.

What I did was try my hand at so called "easy" places to pass in. I went to bookstores and shopped at women's clothing stores where all which really counted to the sales clerks was the color of my money. Emboldened by my success, then I expanded my trips to stopping and eating lunch. I still remember two of my favorite outfits. The first was a pastel green "business style" suit which I pared with pastel green hose and heels. The second was a black dressy jump suit with black pumps. Both outfits were worn with my long straight blond wig I loved so much. The end result was I blended well in the upscale malls I chose to go to. 

Even with all the so called success I was experiencing, there were downfalls also. Most came when I tried to do too much and ended up looking like a drag queen. I can't tell you how many times I went home in tears.  One day I even learned my lesson from one young girl I estimated to be four or five in a women's clothing store. As I turned the corner through another rack of clothes, we startled each other and she shouted to her Mom  "Look at the big woman!" I quickly thought  at least she saw me as a woman. But there was more. The girl went on to say "A big mean woman." Lesson learned. Wipe that male scowl off my face.

I tried also to challenge myself to accomplish different goals as I experimented surviving in a feminine world. 

It turned out my path would take several different branches before I arrived where I am today. Living full time as a transgender world with a successful relationship and an accepting daughter. More on it later. 

' 

I didn't Do It

Recently I posted a Halloween photo of Melonee Malone and Mark asked if the picture was of me. No it wasn't and I could only say I wish I transitioned that well. To be fair though, I believe Melonee has completed several surgeries, Including gender realignment as well as facial feminization. Sorry for any confusion. To put any comparison in perspective, I have had no surgeries. Including electrolysis.  

As much as I am loathe to do it, here is a totally unfiltered picture of the before and after me. I need to point this recent picture of me is not too current because it doesn't reflect the weight I have lost in my face.

Also I need to point out I have been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for nearly seven years now. As a result, my use of makeup has been drastically reduced. In the picture I am only wearing eye and lip makeup. On the left I was wearing my guy makeup and I was severely depressed. 

I hope all confusion has been solved.

  

No Power no Post

Source: Cyrsti
Hart

 Yesterday turned to be a complete bust as promptly at 7:45 AM, our electric power went out. After the usual paranoia about paying the bill, I realized it was too early for even the electric powers to be to be shutting it off. 

Since my partner Liz is still very much a working woman, she gets up before me to have her morning coffee, take care of the animals (except me) and get her morning meditations done before clocking into work as she works from home. 

As I turned over and noticed all the power was off, Liz met me at the steps to the bedroom to tell me the energy company had robo called her and said the power would be restored in approximately two hours. Approximately was the key term as it was nearly twelve hours before our electric was restored. 

We live in an all electric home, so everything ground to a halt. Including our heat. 

Heat wasn't so much of a problem to me because it isn't that  cold and I could but on an extra sweater. What really bugged me was not having a television. I was forced to spend extra time faced with only me. I am my own worst best friend always overthinking every situation which causes me extreme anxiety at times.  To counteract part of my destructive thought processes, I even sleep with the television on. The harmless shows on the "Hallmark Channel" always seem to do the trick and I can quickly fall asleep. I truly get panicky inside if I have to think of sleeping without noise. Fortunately, Liz has learned to live with my quirky behavior. 

The whole day of facing myself stressed me so bad I still couldn't sleep when I went to bed, television or not. I finally fell asleep approximately four thirty in the morning. It's barely 10:30 AM now, so that is my excuse for this rambling post. 

 As with any negative situation, there is usually something positive which comes from it. The good thing that happened was I  found I was going to get an extra night out because we had no way to cook dinner. The trick was to put what ever small amount I wear anymore on by flashlight. The whole process turned out to be surprisingly easy. In fact, I thought of many cheap shots to use when describing my makeup which I won't use. The good part was I was riding a wave of confidence because when we went out to vote on Tuesday, the lady who checked me in called me mam. That's always reassuring even though I have never experienced any problems when I have gone to vote. 

The only problem we possibly experienced at dinner was one older woman who couldn't seem to not wanting to stop and stare at Liz and I as she was leaving. It was so bad even Liz noticed which is rare. Normally I always do before she does. It's possible also, since Liz and I were sitting together across from her son, the woman thought we were lesbians which is a whole other story. 

All in all the power was on when we returned home and life returned to what passes for normal around here. With or without sleep.

Putting Yourself Down?

 Mark sent this comment in regarding the recent post called "You Make a Terrible Woman". "Very well done too Liz viewing YOU as a WOMAN ...NO--Way do YOU make a terrible Woman . Putting your self down there .MARK"

Source: Cyrsti Hart

Thanks for the comment Mark. First of all I don't think either of us (deceased wife) or myself took it literally the way she said it. First of all, I didn't make anything. I only was moving in the only survivable direction I could by putting my male self in the closet and living as my authentic self. Plus, since she is no longer able to speak for herself, she did add she wasn't referring to my appearance.

Being of a stubborn nature, it took me awhile to understand exactly what she was trying to tell me. After all, I had spent a lifetime admiring and observing the girls and women around me. By doing it I could only observe the external workings of a feminine world. If I had the chance to go inside, perhaps I wouldn't have been so enamored with the feminine binary gender. As I learned so many years later women operate with their own set of unique passions. Specifically with aggression. Understandably, men deal with power and women with passive aggressiveness. 

I am fond of saying when I started to play in the woman's "sandbox" I found I had  to be on the outlook for knives being aimed at my back. Smiles many times meant nothing. 

So Mark, I wasn't really putting myself down. Her comment served to send me back to the drawing board. I had to find out what she meant. In those days it was difficult because of the very rare times I had to get out of the closet and live as my authentic self. In fact, it took me twenty years before I could even come close to doing it. 

Once I did begin to get out in the world, I found appearance was the easiest hurdle I had to face. Not because I looked so good, it was because other factors became so important. Such as very quickly I had to learn to communicate one on one with other women. All of a sudden, what they didn't say became as important as what they did say. Plus, what was I going to do about my voice. I finally went to a voice coach to learn the difference between men and women as they communicate. 

In some senses I feel the powerful "terrible" comment is a wonderful motivator for me. It keeps me focused on being the best person I can be and not squandering a truly powerful opportunity to lead a quality life as my authentic self.

Halloween

 Well, it's here. The day I have been seemingly writing about forever and a day which paved the way for my current out transgender lifestyle. It's Halloween of course.

Throughout the years often I wished I could have followed the path of nearly everyone I knew. Costumes were for fun or creativity. Not as serious as mine were. Then there were all the years due to work situations I couldn't wear a "costume" at all. 

All of that is in the past now. Looking back at it all, I was fortunate enough to be able to live most all of my Halloween fantasies. 

On this Halloween, I hope you have too!

You Make a Terrible Woman

 Recently I wrote a post concerning the reactions from my past two wives when they were confronted with my gender issues. I left my current partner Liz out because by her own admission she has always viewed me as a woman. 

Photo source: Cyrsti Hart

To rephrase what I wrote in the recent post, my first wife was fairly bland when it came to dealing with  me being a cross dresser. Back in those days also the word transgender was not even known. So it wasn't even a discussion point.

All of that changed with my second wife who I was destined to be with for twenty five years before her death from heart problems at the age of fifty. She was as stubborn as I was and we became embroiled on numerous occasions. All of which were caused by me wanting to go further and further towards living full time as a woman. 

Several times I remember vividly. 

The first (of many) occurred when we lived just Northeast of Marietta, Ohio. It was a time of my life when I was really starting to find success going out and experiencing life as a feminine person. To "manufacture" more reasons to go out when she wasn't home, I began to do things like the grocery shopping. When I did it, I slowly expanded into doing other kinds of shopping too. All of it worked well until I accidently ran directly into my wife's boss in a store parking lot. I thought I succeeded in passing him until nearly a week later I heard the infamous comment about him seeing a large red head when he went to the store. It just so happened I had and wore a red wig at that time. Of course I denied all knowledge. It turned out it didn't matter anyhow. She caught me cross dressed in public and the giant fight which came later led me to my first sessions with a gender therapist.

It turned out, the visits with therapist just put off the inevitable, I still continued to slide towards living full time as a transgender woman. 

The second of many fights I can remember came after one of my most successful cross dressed outings I can remember. I have written about it here in Cyrsti's Condo many times. It was the night I went alone without my wife to a transvestite "mixer" when we lived in the NYC metro area. Two women sat at the door and were going to deny me entrance because "No real women were allowed."  Of course in those days all I had to validate me as a woman was my appearance and I went on a giant ego rush. All of it made me impossible to live with and my second wife and I ended up in a huge fight. 

During the fight she said what quite possibly were the most profound I heard in my entire life, "You make a terrible woman." I was taken aback because the night before I had been mistaken for a woman. Then she went on to say she wasn't talking about how I looked. There was a deeper meaning I hadn't even considered and wouldn't until I actually started to seriously transition. 

Without going deeper into the whole process now, I learned the nuances of gender communication and privilege when I began to live as a woman.

It's easy to say now but she was right. I did make a terrible woman. However I did take the opportunity to rebuild my life in a feminine world. A world which was dramatically more layered and pleasurable than the male world I had known. 

The wait was worth it. I'm not so sure the cost to my soul and to others around me was. My cross dressed man did make me miserable and unfortunately I made others around me miserable too.

Equal Time

 Recently I have been writing several posts concerning the interaction between my Halloween adventures and the interactions with my wives (at separate times.)

First of all I had experience with two wives for the stories. The first was much more accepting than the second but both knew about my cross dressing urges before we became married. The problem became more prevalent  as I slipped further and further into the realization I was much more than a cross dresser. I wanted to follow the natural urges I was feeling to shove my male self into the closet and live full time as my authentic self. 

My second wife used the well worn phrase, she didn't sign up to be in a relationship with another woman. Plus, a few other phrases I will save for another post. 

What happens to the spouse when that happens? Back in the day, I used to take a look at a few blogs which dealt with women who were immersed in relationships with their husbands who suddenly told them they were transgender. Needless to say, the reactions I read from the wives were not positive. Even I was shocked. 

I think what we all miss during our Mtf transitions is that cis women have egos also. In many cases a husband figures prominently into her ego. Or, what she did wrong to "drive" her husband into the feminine camp. 

As far as I am concerned, I don't know how I would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and my spouse wanted to complete the difficult journey to another gender. I just know it would be very difficult. 

I can understand too how a transgender path could be considered the ultimate in being selfish. After all it is an all encompassing desire to make it to the other side of the gender divide. What happens to a families life, jobs and kids when it happens?  It's so difficult to help another person to understand there is really no choice when you are considering crossing the gender frontier. It is so much more than just dressing as part of the opposite gender. It is life or death. 

So, my heart goes out to all the understanding spouses I have been reading about recently. Or even the ones who begrudgingly have come to accept and stay with with their former husbands or wives. Of course the internet has helped with all of that. Positive information abounds on how couples in love have survived their gender journey together. 

Taking my local scene as an example. the transgender - cross dresser support group I am part of has recently featured several couples who are successfully staying together. As I wrote, all my positive thoughts go out to the spouses who made it happen.

Equal time! Good job!

Out in Plain Sight

Georgette sent this post into Cyrsti's Transgender Condo. She is a fellow transgender veteran who served approximately the same time I did:

" What some of us did during our military time to try and satisfy that inner girl,

I was in the Navy from 69-74, My reason was I didn't want to take a chance on being drafted and didn't like the idea of people trying to kill me, Plus I was able to secure training and placement in Advanced Electronics away from all that killing but did require a 6 year enlistment,

I was never able to fully transform but always found some way to be myself away from others, While living off base from 72-74 I was getting more and more bold, But while just driving around I got stopped by a small town cop, He did not make a big deal at that time, But did report it back to my command,

I thought for sure that my life was over, But the base psychiatrist

 and Navy security people (I had a Top Secret clearance) were very understanding and was interested in any activities with others (think Gay), Went back to work and left Navy in 74,

For me to fully describe and come to realization what/who I was and a real game changer."

Thanks for the comment!

A Night at the Theatre

 This will be the final post concerning how Halloween parties paved the way for me to actually come out of the closet and live a fulltime feminine life. 

This one goes way back to my post Army days in the mid 1970's and happened in Columbus, Ohio. 

When Halloween rolled around that year, Columbus had just restored and reopened the "Ohio Theatre" a very ornate and beautiful structure complete with the original restored theatre organ. For the event, they decided to present a costumed event complete with a silent horror movie and the organ music .I thought it would be an ideal time to reprise my "costume" I wore at the Army Halloween party I went to. 

For the evening I managed to persuade my future first wife and two other friends to attend with me. The first mistake I discovered I made was when we had to park approximately two blocks away. Up to that time in my life, I had never attempted to walk that far in high heels before and I felt it! Other than feeling the fall chill on my exposed legs, the only other real impact I felt was how much attention my outfit did not cause. I guess with all the other unique and wonderful costumes, a guy in a mini dress didn't cause much attention. 

However, none of that mattered as we found our seats for the show. The theatre was magnificent. Especially for a person such as me who is really into history and restoration. I do remember trying my best to enjoy being dressed as my authentic self.  After all, it was very close to the first time I was able to actually go out in public as a woman. 

Looking back at all of it was, once the thrill wore off, I was coming to understand how natural I felt

and how would I ever make it an entire year before I could attempt going out again. Finally the realization slowly came to me indeed I couldn't make it and would have to find other ways to express myself. About this time was when I started to research Virginia Prince and subscribed to the cross dressing Transvestia magazine. Wow! There were others like me after all!

Bottom line was, once the door to my gender closet was opened, it could never be closed again. As I have written sever times, I felt too natural as my feminine self to go back. 

A night at the theatre proved to be only the beginning as I was able to enjoy watching the show around me as the woman I was destined to become.   

Haters and Bullies

 Recently, Mark sent in this comment: "Very very AMAZING..LADY .very well done for talking about this ,my parents lived in Germany for 6 years detmauld ..WHAT bullyingly HAVE you had ..HOW DID You cope/what happened .MARK.X"

Thank you Mark for such an in depth question. 

First of all, I grew up in a small semi rural area of Ohio in the 1950's and early 1960's. Nearly the entire class of the school I attended knew each other from first through the ninth grades. It all made for rigid social lines being drawn. For example, there were the jocks, hell raisers, socializers etc. 

Around the time the 7th grade rolled around, I knew I had to make a serious decision concerning which social set I was going to try to join. As you probably noticed, there were no categories for novice cross dressers. As far as I was concerned, I was the only cross dresser I knew. To be sure also, to be labeled a wanna be girl, I would be labeled as a sissy too. Also I expected no support from my patriarchal, conservative family. 

I was also painfully shy, so being accepted as a school socialite would be difficult too. I was left with two possible circles, the jocks or the hell raisers. Furthermore, I always had an interest in sports even though I lacked in the skill department. So I chose a few nearby friends who shared the same interests. 

By taking these steps, I was able to insulate myself from the threat of bullying. In effect I befriended most of the people most likely to come after me. As all of this was going on too, I had to be very careful not to have my younger brother catch me dressed as a girl when our parents weren't home. I had many close calls over the years when I had to lock myself in the bathroom and rapidly wipe off makeup I had just applied. 

All of this carried me into high school. I transferred from a very small
middle school to a large high school, so in many cases I had to start all over again. This time though, the emphasis shifted to academics as I needed to be accepted to an university after high school. The alternative was the military because of the draft. 

By this time in high school,  I had perfected the art of staying invisible. My only social attempts came at the school's junior prom when I was essentially set up with a date. Then I met and dated a girl from the school across town and went to the senior prom with her. 

Through it all Mark, I can't begin to tell you the time and energy I wasted hiding my true gender identity. I didn't want to be with a girl sexually, I wanted to be her. If I hadn't waited for the years to go by to realize all of this, perhaps life would have been easier, Then again, I took the only path I knew. 

Through it all, I was able to dodge much of the bullying I would have been tortured with but I know too I was luckier than most. I also had to resort to hyper masculinity to survive. Which was not my ideal way to exist but it worked. 

Thanks again for the question Mark, hope I answered it. 

In the Beginning

 

As I look back, my life has been filled with a number of dynamic ironies. Of course, due to my gender dysphoria, presenting and living a feminine life rated towards the top of my list.

For example, let's take my military service for example. As you Cyrsti Condo regulars know, I went to high school and college during the Vietnam War days . Otherwise known as the draft era when the war was so unpopular participants had to be forced into service. While the idea of serving was not one of my goals at the time, steering clear of donating two or three years to the Army really upset me. Why? Even more than the prospect of leaving home and playing soldier for an extended length of time was the more daunting fear of not being able to express any of my feminine desires. Somehow I thought shaved legs and a mini skirt wouldn't make it on a guy in the Army. 

Here is where the irony comes in. After I served a year of my three years in Thailand, where many of the pretty prostitutes were boys (no I didn't do anything) I was sent to Germany to finish my three year tour of duty. In Germany I was destined to shave my legs, apply my makeup again, buy a wig and mini dress and attend a Halloween party.

How could I do this? Because I worked for the American Forces Radio and Television Service as a morning disc jockey in Stuttgart, Germany. By doing so, I was part of one of the most un-military units in the military at that time. In addition, since our broadcast unit was so small, we received extra money to live off base. Plus, close by was a big "PX" (mini shopping mall) where I could pick up some much needed items also. An example would be a wig.

As the party approached, I still remember the apprehension I felt. Prior to this Halloween, I never had the nerve to express my feminine desires in a public setting before. Plus, I needed a place to do my "prep" work. Here is where the woman who was destined to become my first wife comes in. I was able to borrow her apartment to shave my face, legs and apply my wig, dress and makeup. All too soon it was time to leave for the party.

The overwhelming majority of the people at the party were from a local medic's unit which was also stationed nearby. So the only people I really knew when I arrived were my future wife and two others.

This all happened back in 1973 so there are no pictures and a whirlwind of memories. I only remember the amazement of several people concerning my costume and the rush of hands on my panty hosed legs. Back in those days it all validated my fragile idea of being a woman. 

Weeks went by after the party until one night as we were under in influence of great German beer, the subject of our costumes came up.  I was lucky. When it was my turn to discuss "costume", I told the truth and said I was a transvestite which could have been enough to get me kicked out of the Army if anyone told. No one did and even more important, no one cared.

It turned out my most feared time of my life (being in the military) would turn out to be the most beneficial. I was honorably discharged, married my first wife, fathered a very accepting daughter and went on to use Veterans Administration resources I accrued. Including HRT. 

Life is but a circle. What I feared the most came back to help the most.