Putting Yourself Down?

 Mark sent this comment in regarding the recent post called "You Make a Terrible Woman". "Very well done too Liz viewing YOU as a WOMAN ...NO--Way do YOU make a terrible Woman . Putting your self down there .MARK"

Source: Cyrsti Hart

Thanks for the comment Mark. First of all I don't think either of us (deceased wife) or myself took it literally the way she said it. First of all, I didn't make anything. I only was moving in the only survivable direction I could by putting my male self in the closet and living as my authentic self. Plus, since she is no longer able to speak for herself, she did add she wasn't referring to my appearance.

Being of a stubborn nature, it took me awhile to understand exactly what she was trying to tell me. After all, I had spent a lifetime admiring and observing the girls and women around me. By doing it I could only observe the external workings of a feminine world. If I had the chance to go inside, perhaps I wouldn't have been so enamored with the feminine binary gender. As I learned so many years later women operate with their own set of unique passions. Specifically with aggression. Understandably, men deal with power and women with passive aggressiveness. 

I am fond of saying when I started to play in the woman's "sandbox" I found I had  to be on the outlook for knives being aimed at my back. Smiles many times meant nothing. 

So Mark, I wasn't really putting myself down. Her comment served to send me back to the drawing board. I had to find out what she meant. In those days it was difficult because of the very rare times I had to get out of the closet and live as my authentic self. In fact, it took me twenty years before I could even come close to doing it. 

Once I did begin to get out in the world, I found appearance was the easiest hurdle I had to face. Not because I looked so good, it was because other factors became so important. Such as very quickly I had to learn to communicate one on one with other women. All of a sudden, what they didn't say became as important as what they did say. Plus, what was I going to do about my voice. I finally went to a voice coach to learn the difference between men and women as they communicate. 

In some senses I feel the powerful "terrible" comment is a wonderful motivator for me. It keeps me focused on being the best person I can be and not squandering a truly powerful opportunity to lead a quality life as my authentic self.

You Make a Terrible Woman

 Recently I wrote a post concerning the reactions from my past two wives when they were confronted with my gender issues. I left my current partner Liz out because by her own admission she has always viewed me as a woman. 

Photo source: Cyrsti Hart

To rephrase what I wrote in the recent post, my first wife was fairly bland when it came to dealing with  me being a cross dresser. Back in those days also the word transgender was not even known. So it wasn't even a discussion point.

All of that changed with my second wife who I was destined to be with for twenty five years before her death from heart problems at the age of fifty. She was as stubborn as I was and we became embroiled on numerous occasions. All of which were caused by me wanting to go further and further towards living full time as a woman. 

Several times I remember vividly. 

The first (of many) occurred when we lived just Northeast of Marietta, Ohio. It was a time of my life when I was really starting to find success going out and experiencing life as a feminine person. To "manufacture" more reasons to go out when she wasn't home, I began to do things like the grocery shopping. When I did it, I slowly expanded into doing other kinds of shopping too. All of it worked well until I accidently ran directly into my wife's boss in a store parking lot. I thought I succeeded in passing him until nearly a week later I heard the infamous comment about him seeing a large red head when he went to the store. It just so happened I had and wore a red wig at that time. Of course I denied all knowledge. It turned out it didn't matter anyhow. She caught me cross dressed in public and the giant fight which came later led me to my first sessions with a gender therapist.

It turned out, the visits with therapist just put off the inevitable, I still continued to slide towards living full time as a transgender woman. 

The second of many fights I can remember came after one of my most successful cross dressed outings I can remember. I have written about it here in Cyrsti's Condo many times. It was the night I went alone without my wife to a transvestite "mixer" when we lived in the NYC metro area. Two women sat at the door and were going to deny me entrance because "No real women were allowed."  Of course in those days all I had to validate me as a woman was my appearance and I went on a giant ego rush. All of it made me impossible to live with and my second wife and I ended up in a huge fight. 

During the fight she said what quite possibly were the most profound I heard in my entire life, "You make a terrible woman." I was taken aback because the night before I had been mistaken for a woman. Then she went on to say she wasn't talking about how I looked. There was a deeper meaning I hadn't even considered and wouldn't until I actually started to seriously transition. 

Without going deeper into the whole process now, I learned the nuances of gender communication and privilege when I began to live as a woman.

It's easy to say now but she was right. I did make a terrible woman. However I did take the opportunity to rebuild my life in a feminine world. A world which was dramatically more layered and pleasurable than the male world I had known. 

The wait was worth it. I'm not so sure the cost to my soul and to others around me was. My cross dressed man did make me miserable and unfortunately I made others around me miserable too.

Bar Room Shuffle

 Georgette as well as others responded to my Halloween "Political Connection" post here on Cyrsti's Condo. Thanks very much and here is another experience from Halloween a couple years later. 

At this time in my life, my second wife and I recently married and moved from our native Ohio to the New York City metro area. I left my fast food job for a better offer. 

As it turns out my second wife who knew of my cross dressing desires before saying yes to my marriage proposal kept closer track of me. Especially when it came to going out by myself cross dressed. I only bring this up because this all happened in the early 1980's and my memory doesn't go back that far on many issues. 

At any rate, one of my female assistant managers was having a Halloween party with her and a few friends. I really didn't know the wonderful experience I was about to begin as she invited me along.

This Halloween I chose an in between "costume" idea. I would wear one of my shortest dresses and accessorize it with heels, jewelry and big hair so popular in those days. Of course my wife did not approve but I thought I looked great. 

Out the door I went and met at a pre set up location, where I would meet the other party goers. I was amazed when I discovered the other attendees were all cis women and were dressed similar to me. When I walked in to the living room where they were all waiting, you could have heard a pin drop as they looked me over head to toe. The reactions were priceless when they found out the truth about me. What made the whole experience so priceless also was the fact they were all almost as tall as I was. 

It was quickly time to leave and I didn't even know where I was going with this group of women. My skill in walking in heels was put to the test when I learned we were walking the short distance down the block to a neighborhood bar which was having the party. As we walked, I tried to hold my head up and walk with as much pride as the women. After all, this was my first "girl's night out" like it or not.

Amazingly to me, no one in the bar paid me much attention, assuming I blended in so well with the other women I was with.   

After a while though, they drifted away from me and I was left with my drink and an elderly man who kept trying to get me to dance. 

All too soon it was time to head back again to my boring male world. The only problem this time was going out to the Halloween party with one of my assistant managers cross dressed could have potential consequences. Fortunately, all I experienced were the comments which said how good I looked. Perhaps a little too good for a supposed feminine "costume." 

The only real downside turned out to being the gender euphoria rush which was hell coming down from and the fights with my wife which ensued. The only saving grace was I knew there were transvestite mixers nearby I could attend. 

I wouldn't have to wait for another Halloween to test the public and see if I could at least make it appearance wise in a feminine world. 

It's Patch Day

Banquet Picture
Credit Cyrsti Hart

 Every Tuesday and Friday during the week I change out my Estradiol patches. 

Over the years I have come to accept my femininizing meds as the most important medication I take except my bi-polar meds. 

Approximately eight years ago I started down the hormone replacement therapy path. I began with a doctor who prescribed minimum doses until we could see how my body adapted. Other than a six month stoppage due to another health problem, I have been on the femininizing meds ever since.

Every once in awhile I do write about the changes here in Cyrsti's Condo but I try not to because results vary so completely among users. Plus, since I have such a difficult time remembering last week, recalling exact times and dates of HRT changes are difficult to come up with.

I do have several thoughts on the timings to pass along, although your results could vary. First of all, make certain you have a medical professional to monitor your dosage. Estrogen is a powerful drug and abuse can cause you health problems.

Now, lets get back to the matter at hand. Most likely since I was in my early sixties when I started, changes didn't take long to appear. My natural supply of testosterone was on the way down anyhow. What I remember most was how my breasts started to change, along with my emotions it seemed. I prefer to describe the whole experience as my world was suddenly softening. I rediscovered long hidden emotions which went all the way to experiencing hot flashes which didn't do me any good when I discovered I was cold all the time and women weren't just making it up.

I was fortunate in that I inherited a full head of hair which started to grow longer and thicker with HRT. Body hair started to thin except for my beard which had never been very thick to start with. All of this  went along with skin softening. Amazingly, my appearance took on a more feminine look with new softer lines.

One other thing which never changed was my voice. Along the way I did try vocal lessons but wasn't really satisfied with the results.

As I look back  on all the years I experienced on  hormone replacement therapy, I am so thankful my body was able to accept the changes it went through. 

Every patch day, I pause and thank the Goddess for her help in guiding me down a path not many humans experience. All of which is dependent of my little patches. Then again, I have  an appointment coming up next week with my Endocrinologist, she holds the ultimate future of my journey in her hands. 

In many ways I feel the patches have provided me with an exciting yet terrifying magic carpet ride.

Monday Inspiration

 

This is a good one for everyone. 

If you are already out, good for you. You have paved the way for other transgender women and men in the future.

If you have not had the chance to live as your authentic gender self, don't give up. Many times the world can change quickly and you will have a chance. I am an example of that.

Another important consideration to not forget is even though you are not out, don't forget to support others who are. Many times you can do it at the ballot box.

In the mean time, appreciate your day!

Mentors

Myself, Nikki, and Kim (right) Photo courtesy Cyrsti 
Hart

 Referring back to a Cyrsti's Condo post concerning several cis women friends I had when I first was learning to play in the women's sandbox, the term "mentors" came up. 

As I thought about it, I became aware mentors could be a very vague term. For example, many could consider a mentor who aides you with your appearance, make up and clothes. 

As you can tell by the photo on the left, my friends did not emphasize much make up at all. I was the only one who did and I did it all myself.

Of course by that time, I had years of practice. 

What my cis friends did teach me was how to value my self as a transgender woman.  Since they both were lesbians, I learned  I did not need a man to validate me as a woman. 

This picture pre dates my relationship with my current partner Liz, so by the time I met her I had a clearer idea of who I was and how I fit in in a feminine world. 

My advice is to be your own mentor. Practice makes perfect as far as your appearance goes. Plus, once you make your way past the appearance phase, the real work begins. Learning to rebuild your personality away from when you tried and failed to live as a guy is a major task. One example is communicating  woman  to woman and dressing to blend. I learned the hard way not totally accept the compliment of looking great. Great for what? A man cross dressed as a woman? 

Granted, finding a mentor of any form is rough. I was just fortunate when I threw caution to the wind and put myself out in the world.  When you find a mentor of any sort, put your old male ego aside and learn all you can.

A Bridge too Far

 It's no big secret crossing the gender frontier to actually come out and follow a feminine transgender lifestyle is a daunting and huge move. 

Personally, I am one to build too many bridges to jump off of, whether I need to or not. I suffer from anxiety along with other mental disorders. In other words I obsess completely and come up with extra scenarios. Most of which will never come true, yet I spend too much time worrying abut them.

For years I looked at the decision to do the right thing and live as a woman as sliding down a slippery slope towards a gender cliff. From which there was no return. It was easy to play the safe game and try to live as both genders...until it almost killed me. I couldn't take it anymore and took advantage of the gender bridge I was seeing. All of a sudden, instead of jumping off of it, the bridge was providing me a pathway to gender freedom and I could live as my authentic self. 

To make a long story short, I was able to turn a tragic circumstance into a positive when my wife of twenty five years passed away. She never accepted me being transgender and of course the whole situation caused tremendous stress within the relationship. As I built my gender bridge and was beginning to explore the feminine world, all along the ultimate resolution (her death) was the last thing which would happen.

Bridges are funny things. Some are tall, long and scary, others are short, low and non threatening. The gender bridge is definitely is one of the scary ones. Once I decided to cross my bridge, along came hormone replacement therapy compliments of the Veterans Administration to help me. As they say, timing is everything. When I needed it most, my physical persona began to take a decided change to the feminine side. 

I also was able to find several close cis woman friends who accepted me as one of their own and I learned many unwritten rules of the feminine gender.

Hopefully as you view your bridge, it is not as scary as it appears to be. Keep in mind too, what seems like an impossible crossing today may change tomorrow.

Sunshine Day

Pre Weight loss, Credit Cyrsti Hart

 Sunday turned out to be a wonderful day for several reasons. 

First of all, it was another beautiful autumn day with highs in the mid 70's (F) 

Also, for some unknown reason, Liz's 23 year old son invited us out to lunch. It was one of those days when my gender dysphoric self gave me a break and I thought my feminine self was able to shine through. Ironically, even my face is thinning out again, which accentuates my cheek bones. Other than that, I chose a nice pair of leggings and lightweight lacy top. I even got real fancy and wore a pair of earrings which I try to do on occasion to insure the holes in my ears don't grow shut. (They haven't). All in all, I felt good which always is the number one accessory a transgender woman can have. 

Once we arrived at the restaurant we had gone to for years, we found out they were closing early due to staffing issues so we had to hurry our lunch. It vaguely occurred to me to go somewhere else but I didn't say anything and we stayed. Ultimately we ended up taking most of our food to go. The disappointment came when there was very little public to see or to be seen.  Even though all my attention to detail with my appearance seemingly was wasted, the whole experience was good for my soul.  

Also yesterday another rarity happened.  The Cincinnati NFL football team went to their arch-rival Pittsburgh Steeler homefield and won for the first in like fifteen years. So life was good again.

With my birthday coming up in the not so distant future, I should be able to talk Liz into a special night or two.

Transgender Ally's

Saturday was National Daughters' Day. Along the way here in Cyrsti's Condo, I have not been shy writing about my daughters acceptance of her transgender parent. 

Liz (left) and my daughter. Credit Cyrsti Hart

I was fortunate when not only did my daughter accept me, she wanted to help me. On occasion she tried to go too far. She was going to help me with my wardrobe and appearance. As I recently wrote about, she gifted me an appointment to her decidedly upscale hair salon. As I said before she came with me and added another layer to me being equally excited and terrified. I distinctly remember the second time I went back for a cut and color and suffered the "sticker shock" of being presented a bill for 175 dollars, not including tip. Due to financial considerations, it was my last visit there! Plus, I moved away. 

Of course my most influential dealing with allies came when I started to actually present my feminine self to the world. I made a couple of cis woman friends through my dealings at a local sports bar I went to and met my current partner Liz on an on line dating site. Liz essentially became my most influential ally when she told me to live totally as a transgender woman because she had always seen me as a woman. 

Over the years though, not unlike almost everything else in the transgender world, allies have come under scrutiny. It's become more difficult for potential trans allies to comprehend the intricacies of pronoun usage as an example. Plus just imagine if you were on the outside looking in and trying to understand the always evolving alphabet in the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Then again, what if your child is trying to tell you they are gender fluid? 

Somewhere along the way I think we have lost some of our perspective on what an ally actually is. As in everything else in our world, being an ally evolves too.

In the meantime, I love my daughter Andrea and my partner Liz very much! 
  

It's a Material World

And, as Madonna would say, I am a material girl. Then again, don't all of us have to be one way or another? Unless you are living off the grid and probably aren't reading this at all. 

Picture after first hair appointment
Credit: Cyrsti Hart

Actually, I am a very basic transgender woman. Give me a comfortable pair of jeans or leggings, add a tank top and tennis shoes and I am happy and secure as the transgender woman I am. Ironically as basic as I am, I still dress more femininely than my partner Liz who is a cis gender woman. Meaning she was assigned female at birth.

Backtracking a bit, when I first began to explore the feminine world in public, I was much more materialistic. All my accessories such as jewelry, purses, shoes etc. were so much more important to me. All my attention to detail worked too when I was complimented on my appearance by other women. 

All went well until I really started to transition, aided by the effect of hormone replacement therapy. One of the first changes that happened was I was fortunate and my hair really started to grow. So much so that my daughter gifted me my first visit to her upscale hair salon as a birthday present after I had come out to her. The visit remains in my mind as one of the most exciting yet scary experiences of my life as I crossed the gender frontier. Having to walk the "gauntlet" of women who had nothing else to do but to watch and judge me was amazing pressure to say the least. 

I learned too, it was a material world when all of the sudden I was paying to have someone else take care of my hair. My old twenty dollar haircuts at a barber shop were long gone. Also when I was going out, I had to learn there was a back to my head also. All those years of wearing a wig had spoiled me. Of course I could simply turn the wig around on it's stand and brush it out. 

Another of the main problems I faced as I MtF gender transitioned was the cost of trying to maintain two wardrobes. Along the way I was biased because shopping for the feminine side was so much more fun and satisfying. Once I settled into my feminine natural role and quit cross dressing as a guy, of course the costs went down.

I suppose it could be argued we all live in a material world. Transgender women may experience it all in such a unique way.
  

We Got Mail

 The first comes from "Georgette" and mentions coming out in the pre internet Dark Ages:

"Ah, The coming out in the "Dark Ages",

Yes it was difficult but hasn't it always been difficult now and back then,

For me enlisting in the Navy during the Viet Nam era really formed my lifetime career in electronics/computers, And because of my outing during that time it set into the motion of what/where/when I needed to do after the Navy,

I have some now call me brave and a pioneer of sorts, But really it was a do or die, If it didn't all work out I had no "Plan B", Not sure what would happen, One thing that it did for/to me was it made me grow a hard exterior emotionally, Oh sure all the pointing/ whispering/laughing at me hurt inside but I was determined because I saw a future where I could be the real me,

These are my only help for all the newer/younger ones now, You can live a happier life and hopefully a longer one as yourself,"

Yes it has always been difficult! Thanks for the comment!

Now on to Connie who commented on the "History" post: "

I can relate, except that I quite enjoyed being a defensive end. Taking on the block of a fullback or pulling guard on a sweep play, and then forcing the running back to go inside - only to be tackled by a linebacker or cornerback - was analogous to my life. It was a struggle, and took all my energy to deal with it, but nobody really noticed my efforts because the glory went to someone else. I never minded, though, because avoiding the spotlight was safe. Still, I could take quiet satisfaction in knowing I'd done a good job.

 Besides, it takes a lot of discipline and toughness to hold one's ground like that, and the physicality of it all helped me to take out my frustrations in an acceptable manner. 

As far as the cheerleaders go, I remember them teasing me from the sidelines that the blackout under my eyes looked like my mascara was running. Little did they know that there were times, after a game, when I went home and applied my mascara flawlessly. ;-)"

Thanks Connie!

Georgette Cornio

GEORGETTE CORNIO FOLLOWS

• 

  C A

• 

  Emma Holiday

• 

  Kitty Whitemore

• 

  Kaylin Scott

• 

  Lannie Rose

See all (32)

Weekend Review

Liz and I. Photo Credit Cyrsti Hart

 My weekend was built around sports with a pleasant surprise added in. 

As I have already written about here in Cyrsti's Condo, I was deeply shocked by The Ohio State Buckeyes losing in college football. Almost as shocked as I was when the NFL Cincinnati Bengals won their first game yesterday. To make a long story short, both happenings are rare. 

I'm sure there are many of you who could care less or perhaps didn't carry sports with you as part of your baggage when you crossed the gender frontier. Sports was always such a big part of my life and I was delighted when I found other accepting cis-women who shared my passion. 

Now, onto the pleasant surprise. Liz and I's tenth anniversary was actually August 5th. We have been putting off (for various reasons) going out and celebrating since then. Yesterday we finally made it. We went to an upscale steak house for huge rib eyes. For the occasion I wore a simple lace top and leggings. 

The steak was good and I was able to splurge a little on the sides because the diet has been progressing so well. I am now down 22 pounds to a weight I have not been since basic training. 

So excluding the Ohio State loss, it was a great weekend, and the weather was good too. 

I "Doesn't" Know It

From my Dating Days
Credit Cyrsti's Condo

 The title above is a phrase from a former Hall of Fame Cincinnati Reds baseball announcer, used when he didn't know something. I borrowed it from him as I thought about today's Cyrsti's' Condo post. My idea was to write about dating while transgender. 

Way back in the day in my earliest days of coming out of my closet into a feminine world, I had to decide who I was going to date since I had abruptly became single at the time and a widow. Very quickly I faced the differences between gender preference and sexual preference. At that time I had never even kissed another man. 

As it turned out, it would be a while longer before I did. I craved being with a man because it would validate my femininity in public but it seemed destiny  had another path charted for me as far as my sexuality was concerned. I did have a very few dates with men and a couple I enjoyed immensely when I sensed they were treating me as a woman. However those dates were few and far between.  

In the meantime, my contact with women continued. My first dinner out was with a friend who eventually came out as a trans man but was still undecided (?) when we went out. I hung out in lesbian bars and even left a mixed party I went to one night with a lesbian and went to an upscale club. Destiny has a funny way of hiding around corners when lifestyle changes are considered.

Through this all, I really had very little knowledge of how to date while transgender. In fact, I was still on the gender fence as far as which way I would go. I just knew my attraction to women had not changed during my transition. 

All of this leads me to my final attraction to and acceptance by a group of lesbians I met in a sports bar. Including my current partner of ten years Liz.

I have led a sheltered dating life. 

These days I see on social media many more alternatives to dating between various groups such as transgender women. Even now though I still see very few trans women with men. It seems to be the last frontier of dating. At times it puzzles me because transgender women are uniquely qualified to be with men. After all, we understand what men go through in life. 

As with so many other things in life, I know most men have a very fragile sexual ego. So I do know this one.

Lull Before the Storm

 I have mentioned before here in Cyrsti's Condo, I have two very feminine related medical appointments coming up next week. Now, as it turns out, I have other appointments scheduled also. 

The two feminine appointments are a mammogram and a bone density scan. The mammogram will be interesting if I am examined by the same person who did it the past two years. Two years ago during the first appointment with her, she asked me the requited questions like had I felt any lumps or had any implants. But she didn't stop there and asked a highly personal question concerning any other major surgeries below the waist. I ignored her and never really directly answered the question. Obviously, it was none of her business to ask. 

At that point my self awareness kicked in an I realized she was in a position to put me in a potentially uncomfortable spot. If you have ever gone through a mammogram, the procedure is not painful but can be uncomfortable as your breasts are squeezed for X rays by a big humming machine. So I guess I thought about not poking the bear when she asked the question. Ironically her curiosity must have been satisfied because the next year she asked only the required  questions. 

I also have a bone density scan next week two days after the mammogram. I have been through one before but it was so long ago I don't remember much about it. The good thing is Liz took the day off to go with me. It is at the Cincinnati Veterans Hospital which is in a highly congested area and she will be able to drop me off at the door as she finds a parking place. 

Wedged in between  the two appointments is a virtual therapy appointment. I am sure we will commensurate about how fun a mammogram can be. Hopefully too, I hope nothing crazy shows up in the breast scans. I try to save my crazy for my therapist. 

Just for good measure next week I have two dental appointments. One is a fitting check up for my dentures which I can and will cancel if I am not having any problems and the other is a cleaning of my complete set of original lower teeth. Since I have been to the office so many times, my gender dysphoria doesn't have a chance to set in.

All the Detail

Facebook in all it's wisdom sent me this picture today from eleven years ago. 

This was taken during one of my very first trips to the women's room at a venue where I was able to "flip" myself. Meaning I started to go there as a guy with my deceased wife before she passed and after I started to go there as a novice transgender woman. 

What I notice also in this picture was my attention to detail. From my long wavy dark wig, to my jewelry, rings and sunglasses, I tried to cover all the feminine basics

The same is true when I go back and explore some of the earliest posts of the Cyrsti's Condo blog. I noticed I wrote much more about the effort I put into to looking the best feminine self I could do. As the years went on and I started to live fulltime in the feminine world the blog drifted towards more of a lifestyle effort.  

As I look back on those days so far ago, I do remember how terrified I was but on the other hand, how excited I felt. 

The end result of course was I finally figured out my male self had to go into the closet and I could start a life as my authentic self. 

 

Turning Your Demons into Angels

 "Back in the day" when I was strongly considering making the big jump and starting to live as my authentic feminine transgender self, I considered the whole process as sliding down a slippery slope. One day, I would just go too far, make the leap and put my male self into the closet. The more I explored the world as a transgender woman, the more I wanted to. 

Looking back at the whole process now, I have a tendency to .look at it as an interaction between my personal angels and demons. I suppose it all goes back to when I was growing up and I considered my transgender leanings as being demons. 

Of course, finally all of the "demon" thoughts began to change. Rightfully so, my mean old male self became the demon to kept me out of the world for all those years. As my feminine self took over, she certainly wasn't an angel. She partied hard and for the most part had a good time. Perhaps she was making up for lost time. 

Each of us are individuals trying to make our own journeys as pleasant as possible. 

The quicker you are able to turn your male demons into female angels the better your life will be. Each of us has to seek out our own path to do it. 

Geena Rocero

Geena Rocero is a Filipino American supermodel, a transgender advocate, and founder of the media production company Gender Proud that speaks for justice, equality, and trans rights. Before Geena Rocero came out, the world knew her as just a successful model. Now she is the face of the LGBTQIA community rights movement.

An Actual Transgender Widow

 Connie (left) sent this comment in concerning her wife...a trans widow: 

"My wife is a trans widow. When asked how she's been able to handle my transition, she'll tell you that she had to, first, mourn the loss of the man she married. So did I, really. We've been married for 49 years, but it's not the same marriage that we had for the first 40. I know, however, that it would have ended altogether had I continued with the deceit that accompanied and facilitated my cross dressing. I was lying to her and to myself, because I was never really a cross dresser. Even after I came to realize that fact, I continued to live a double life (unsuccessfully, for the most part) for a number of years.

Unlike your situation, my wife was far more receptive to my transitioning than she was to my cross dressing. I'm so much more accessible, both physically and emotionally, than I was when I was sneaking out to "get my girl on." Furthermore, a night out led to my depression the next day. I would wake up the next morning still feeling every bit the woman I had been the night before, and I just couldn't bear the thought of facing the day as a man anymore. My wife recognized this, and she decided that she'd rather have a happier woman in her life than a depressed husband. However, she will never waver from her declaration to me that she made in the beginning: "I am not a Lesbian!".

As always, thanks for the comment! My wife used to say the same thing about being a lesbian. During one bitter fight, I was stupid enough to say she was protesting too much. She did not see the humor in it.

He or She?

 MANILA — Vice Ganda does not mind being addressed with either the masculine or feminine pronoun, identifying as non-binary, the comedy superstar said in a now-viral explanation of his gender identity.

The “It’s Showtime” host spoke on the topic in the May 14 episode of the noontime program, during its Tawag ng Tanghalan segment.

Transgender Widows

Photo by Norbu GYACHUNG on Unsplash

 The idea for this post comes directly from "Takoda  Patterson" on the "Medium" blog. She writes about a subject which I have been on both sides of, acceptance (or non acceptance) of my transgender leanings by a spouse. You Cyrsti's Condo know the story but before we get to it, in Takoda's words, what is a trans widow?

"A trans widow is a woman (usually heterosexual) whose male partner or husband believes that they have a gender identity other than “man” or who cross-dresses. Often women also report having experienced that their husband or partner has autogynephilic (AGP).

Women in this situation report feeling like their male partner has died. This is particularly true if the partner or husband came out as transgender and decided to transition. The transformation is usually so complete that their partner is unrecognizable as the man they married. Both in looks and personality."

Back to me. My wife and I of 25 years literally waged a gender war of attrition. She unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack when she was 50. Crossdressing on my part was no problem with her but she drew the line when I discussed the possibility of hormone replacement therapy. I am not proud of the times I went behind her back to explore the feminine world and then tried to lie to her about it. My problem was I did love her deeply and selfishly tried to live both sides of the gender spectrum. 

Perhaps some of you have attempted to go down the same road before it became too difficult to do. 

Over the years, I have found life is but a circle and the time I was down and out was repaid by the life I have now. I was able to find and get along with a cis woman who totally accepts my transgender self. I need to point out though the person I found could have just as easily been a man. Selfishly though, I have always been around women in my life so staying with woman was always easier. 

In my case I guess I have been a true transgender widow since my wife passed away in 2007.