Emergency Room Angst

Having your nails done, in color at least, does represent some sort of no turning back as far as a transgender transition goes.  Here are a couple of stories. One from me and one from Connie. Mine was less painful.

Years ago, I was in a hurry to make a payment on my car and I forgot my nails were done. It turned out I was short on time and needed to make the payment before I was penalized with a late charge, so I decided to pay it anyhow. I was already on HRT and my hair was tied back in a pony tail. In those days, I was relatively androgynous looking anyway, so why not.

The woman who took my money sort of smiled when she saw my hands but that was it. It turned out not long after the day, I was able to pay my loan off and moved away, never to see her again anyway. It was during the winter and I didn't forget my gloves when I went in to make my final payment. Through the whole affair, nothing was said.

Connie's story is a bit more complex and refers to the Cyrsti's Condo post "Burgundy Dreams."
"Well, since nail polish has no gender, I guess it's for whomever wants it! I often see couples getting pedicures together - even whole families. I have yet to see a man by himself, though. 

This reminds me of when I was still but dipping my painted toe to test the waters of transition. A number of years ago, I had an experience that was seminal to my finally accepting myself for who I was. Because my cash flow had become so sporadic (I only worked as my male-self, but was only presenting that way about 15% of the time), I was behind on paying my water bill. The utility company sent out a technician to either collect or shut off my water, but I was afraid to answer the door with my female presentation. By the time I "undid" myself to stop it, the tech had done his work at the meter. I was told that I could pay with a credit card over the phone, and the tech would return to unlock my meter that afternoon - but I had to be there when he was. So, to make sure I wouldn't miss him, I decided to do some work outside. I was up on a ladder, that I had put up in haste, when he showed up, and so that worked out OK, and the water was back on. Not long after he left, though, the ladder slipped out from under me, and I crashed to the surface of the deck, hitting my head on a ladder wrung. My neighbor heard it, and ran over to help. 

Long story short, I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance because I had concussion symptoms. The first thing they did in the emergency room was to remove my clothing, and when they got to my socks, there were my freshly polished toenails, exposed for all to see! I joked that I was outed now, but the nurses were completely ambivalent. 

So, I learned a lot that day. Painted toenails are nothing compared to a serious injury. Had I not been afraid to answer the door to pay a bill that wouldn't have been overdue in the first place, if I'd just been living my life earnestly, none of this would have happened. Within weeks, I had secured work as my feminine-self, and I never hesitated to open my front door again. Eventually, I also learned that, although coming out requires the opening of a door, keeping it open allows for others to come in, as well."

Very profound! Thanks :)

Burgundy Dreams?

Sunday turned out to be the pick day to go get our nails done again. This time I did away with the red and went with a deep tone of burgundy.

I was fortunate in getting the same nail tech I had last time. She does a good job and speaks enough English I can understand her. Plus, this time around, I started to calm down and enjoy the experience.

During my visit I couldn't help but notice an older man and his wife getting pedicures. His wife looked totally ill at ease, so I couldn't help wondering if there wasn't more to the story. At any rate, I heard him proudly claim he didn't want any color on his toe nails and why wasn't there nail polish for men. I was thinking he could have gone for some sort of clear coat but he didn't.

At any rate, I am finally getting to the point where I can calm down and really enjoy the experience. Even without the distractions.

Landslide

For know of you who don't know , Cincinnati, Ohio (where I live) is a very hilly city on the shores of the Ohio River.

Last night was the scheduled transgender - cross dresser support group meeting I somehow have become a mainstay attendee.

Yesterday though, due to the heavy rains we have seen, my route to get there on a highway which curves along the river was closed due to a landslide. Plus we were expecting a wintry mix ahead of an arctic vortex Wednesday and Thursday, so I decided not try my hand at a tricky detour to get there. I figured too, the rest of the group could muddle on without me.

 So, I lost the chance for yet another post about the group.

Later on in the week though, we will have another chance to go to the monthly karaoke social and undoubtedly get invited out Saturday night too. So, I'm sure, I will have gossip to pass along to all of you.

This weekend too, thanks to Ohio weather, we are expecting temperatures near sixty. A change over three days of approximately 60 degrees (F). It's no wonder everyone is sick!

Now I have to head back to my wardrobe. It's going to be a challenge to find enough layers for the cold and not look like a Pillsbury snow girl!

"Mo" Military

In reply to our Cyrsti's Condo discussion about serving in the military, Connie mentioned her deceased brother in law (who served in the infantry) didn't hold it against her for not serving. To that, Michelle replied:

2. 
   Michelle HartJanuary 26, 2019 at 10:20 AM

   "Connie, as your Brother in law said you had nothing to feel guilty about not serving. It's people like the Rump that has to apologize. As for outing yourself, unless you had documentation (something that was really hard to get back then) you might have been looked at as just another individual that was trying to get out of serving. I watched a guy wearing women's underwear get accepted because he didn't have a note from his doctor. Just a little background on me, my number was 72 in 1970 but I joined to at least give myself a little choice in how I would serve. I also joined because of the thought that the military would make a man out of me and end my GD. I can honestly state that it didn't chance anything except my choice in clothing during my on duty time.
   
   As Cyrsti discovered, the down the road benefits would come in handy. I am fully covered for medical by the VA and have discovered many of the benefits from service organizations that most would not qualify for."
3. I was engaged at the time Michelle and my fiance basically gave me the ultimatum...it was her or the Army, She knew of my cross dressing at the time, so she fully expected me to try to get out of serving by telling them I was a cross dresser and even possibly gay. My number was 27, and I was not in any position to try to get a doctor's excuse.  It was not as easy as walking into the draft board in drag. 
4. Although I didn't labor under the impression military service would "make me a man", I did hope the whole experience would decrease my dysphoria and make me more macho to the outside world.  No, it didst decrease my dysphoria but the macho part worked. 
5. FYI, Michelle is no relation (I don't think) but thanks for the comment!

II

Dysphoria?

Liz's martial arts banquet was Friday and my eldest grandson's birthday party was Saturday. Both turned out to be fun events.

As I wrote about previously, I wore my newest fave outfit. I was warm, comfortable and relaxed. It turned out I received very little attention from anyone in particular. Even the food was good. No rubber chicken this year. The presenters kept the evening moving too, so we were able to leave an hour or so earlier than expected.

Saturday, the birthday party was very enjoyable. The small family gathering was genuinely happy to see us. Since it was the first time they had seen me with my new hair, I was complimented several times. Again, the food and company was good.

It wasn't lost on me how comfortable I felt all weekend. For the first time in my life, dysphoria didn't have a chance to creep in and destroy what I was doing.

Of interest, I was talking about my hair stylist's transgender son being outed in his new school. It turns out he did a modeling layout in a local magazine and somehow they found out about his feminine past. Now he is experiencing problems with his new friends at school. I told my daughter definitely being transgender was the gift which keeps on giving.

Right now mine is gifting me.   

Change in Plans

Due to sub zero (Fahrenheit) temperatures, I have decided to change the outfit I was going to wear tonight to something more weather appropriate. The sleeveless glittery top is out and my new black sweater I got for Christmas is in. The black pants are out and one of the sets of patterned leggings are in. Finally, the black flats are out and the new black boots are in, since we still have snow on the ground.

On the bright side, Liz is working on a new black and gold bracelet for me to wear. I plan on wearing my crystal necklace and matching ear-rings.

I can dress the outfit up even further with my one and only fancy black beaded bag which I save for special occasions. I was also interested to learn there is another transgender person (man) in the group as well as a closeted cross dresser.

Last year, the food was good and there was no rubber chicken, so I am looking forward to the evening.

I Served

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJanuary 23, 2019 at 3:25 PM

"As one who narrowly missed being drafted in the 1970 lottery (somehow bypassing me, with a 122, on the way to a final 125 for that year), I seriously considered the possibility of outing myself if called. I still don't know if doing so would have been cause to be unfit for military service (I mean, it wasn't as if I had a bone spur!), but I was happy that I didn't have to find out.

Instead of living with only the shame and guilt that was my gender dysphoria, though, I added to it a guilt that I had escaped the draft for any reason. Years later, when I spoke of my guilt for not "doing my duty" to my infantry veteran brother-in-law, he told me that there was nothing for me to feel guilty about. This is the same man who did a 180 in his attitude after I came out, by the way. He died, a few years ago, of a cancer that the doctors suspected to be a result of his exposure to agent orange.

I have removed myself from any guilt for both my gender identity and escaping the draft. It has been replaced with an admiration for all those who are living their authentic (gender) lives, and those who have served our military. A special blessing for those who do both!

Whether or not my gender dysphoria would have dismissed me in 1970, it's interesting that the military, in 2019, definitely would. Of course, "don't ask/don't tell" works just as it did before."

Little did I know all the turmoil leading up to being drafted would pay so many dividends down the road. The biggest one of course was my daughter, as I met her mother (a WAC) in the Army. And farther down the road, I have taken advantage of educational assistance to earn another college degree plus I have utilized much needed VA health care for nearly eight years now. 

Yes, my major battle too was with my MtF gender dysphoria which I tried to cover through self medication. All of which is a trade I would have gladly made then, if i had only known.

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother in law, I had several friends who were never the same after returning from Vietnam. Plus one who never returned at all.

Another consideration many people don't think about is the percentage of transgender troops who serve firmly in the closet.  It turns out even I ended up knowing another trans person indirectly when I served.  It's a tragedy now more transgender women and men have the potential to be turned away  from the military.

Especially at the direction of a draft dodger who didn't serve at all.

No Surprise

The Supreme Court decision to uphold resident rump's ban on transgender troops came as no real surprise.

After all, rump and his minions have had the chance to appoint different conservative leaning judges recently. 

Not to be too negative with this last circumstance, the whole matter seems to open up a whole new fight for transgender rights in this country.

Of course, also, the whole matter is still being mulled around in the lower courts but the fact remains this ruling could open the flood gates at the Supreme Court which goes against LGBT rights in this country. Wait till the courts come after all those smug cis gay men.

Probably, what is most disconcerting to me are the number of transgender women I know (some of which are even vets) who still support rump. Perhaps I can understand the number of cross dressers who are, because they probably figure they don't have a dog in the hunt anyhow.

Finally, I feel sorry for the transgender troops who are serving our country now in these times of uncertainty. They have been sold out by their country.

TGIF?

In yesterday's Cyrsti's Condo post concerning what was coming up socially this week, I totally forgot about Friday.

It is Liz's semi-formal martial arts banquet. Basically, I plan on wearing the same outfit I wore to the transgender-cross dresser Christmas party. My red sequined sleeveless top and a pair of silky/slinky black slacks. It should work well with my black flats.

The banquet itself is a mixed bag of good and less than good for me. Nearly everyone who goes gets an award of some sort (which is fine) except quite a few spouses like me.

As we roll through the names, I plan on having a cup of coffee or two to stay in the game!

The best thing about this year is, I am much more confident of myself and really love my new hair which combines to make the whole evening more pleasurable

The picture is from the Christmas Party. This time I plan wearing a "restraining" garment underneath the top to smooth out the whole look. Or, hide the fact I have not lost the "holiday" weight I gained. Of course the hair will be different and the breasts are all mine. Thanks HRT!


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