Why Me???

 

Image from Paige Cody
on UnSplash

Earlier in life, when my journey into transgender womanhood was weighing heavily on me, in despair I would look in the mirror and whisper why me.

During that portion of my life as I was still learning the benefits of being a trans woman, I had not had the opportunity to witness the positives I could achieve. Perhaps, the positives are one reason a certain political group is dead set on erasing us. As always, the group has ignored the times in history when entire societies worshiped dual spirted or transgender members of their civilizations. Since I do have a degree in history, I often took the chance to do extra research on the subject in my spare time.

I also think outside TERF's or transphobic women do not trust us because we have spent time in a male dominated society enjoying male privilege. When in fact, we were not enjoying our experience at all and desperately wanted out.  As far as men go, so many are desperately hanging on to their frail sexuality, they become scared and bitter as they secretly watch their trans porn. Sadly, the men's frustration turns into violence towards the transgender woman the man wanted so badly. 

Perhaps the biggest thing I did not realize until I spent time in the public's eye as a transgender woman was how much both binary genders secretly value our knowledge of the world. I remember vividly the numerous times I was approached by other women dealing with man problems of their own. I found the other women really valued my insight into the male world. Through it all, I began to lighten up on my poor, poor pitiful me idea of life and began to see the benefits of living partially between the two main genders. Once I put being a gender victim behind me, my life brightened considerably.

The entire process went far beyond other women asking me about their men, all the way to me being able to increase my overall confidence in the new life I was living. Rapidly, my life was approaching a point of no return. The pressure was on to make the right decision on how I was going to live the rest of my life. I did not think the rest of the world could understand how badly I was torn by my gender decisions, so I did the male thing and internalized them. My mental health struggled badly until two things happened.

One of which was when my wife Liz came along and told me in no uncertain terms, she had only seen a female in me, and I should stop the remainder of life I was living as a man. The other was when I began HRT or gender affirming hormones. When I finally did begin the new hormones, my body took to the new regiment of meds as if I should have always been on them. 

Between the two, even the very stubborn part of me which was desperately hanging on to what was left of his old male life could not resist any longer. Overall, when I looked for my gender truth I found it. Why me? became my truth and when I accepted it, I knew I had done the right thing. My life became softer, richer and more colorful than ever before.   

To arrive there however I needed to pay my dues and learn many important lessons before I could move forward. 

Now What?

 

Image from Kolos Kevie 
on UnSplash

During my long journey to transgender womanhood, I have encountered several "now what" moments. 

The first I can remember came during a Halloween party I was attending. For the party, I was dressed in a very short mini dress which showed off my freshly shaven legs completely. Even though the men mainly stayed away from me, several women took it upon themselves to compliment me on how good my legs looked. Now, I remember vividly telling one of the women thanks but a lot of good my legs will do me. I did not finish the thought by telling her having good legs will not do me much good if I need to wait another year to show them off again at Halloween.

As life flew by, I finally was able to show the public my authentic self, to very mixed reviews. Predictably, I went too far overboard building my wardrobe around my legs which was correct to do during the eighties when short skirts and oversized sweaters and tops were all the fashion vogue along with big hair. It was like the fashion gods were playing right into my hands as a novice transgender woman. 

As we all know, fashion trends change, and I was forced to also if I was to do my best to blend in with the other women around me. Finally, I needed to lengthen my skirts and adopt shorter wigs. I was not happy but had to adopt a new "now what" fashion mode. 

What came along to save me was a new realization about what presenting as my autentic self-meant to me. I began to survive on my new personality as the public began to want to know more about me. When I did, I began to encounter many new "now what" moments on a regular basis. In other words, I was in very deep trying my best to discover if I could or should attempt a gender transition into a new scary, exciting world. 

I discovered I very much did want to be in the new feminine world I was discovering, and I could not under any circumstances turn back to the old male life I was in. "Now what" had passed me by and it was too late. I had passed all my personal tests seeing if I could do it.

It was a long road, but I managed to do it. I just wish I had listened to my inner gender questions years or even decades ago.

A Trans Girl's Baggage

 

Image from UnSplash

Like many women, we trans girls carry a lot of baggage when we travel.

If you remember the old Paris Hilton commercials of her mass amount of luggage she brought along when she traveled, it reminded me of the size and number of bags we trans women have to have to transition from a male life to a feminine one. To the typical outsider, they think all we have to worry about bringing along is fashion and/or wardrobe necessities. When in truth, we know which wardrobe to bring is just the beginning. Examples are many and varied, often determined by when we decide to transition in our life cycle. Needless to say, an older transgender woman may have more aspects in her life to consider with family, friends, spouses and employment to think about.

In my case, I waited so long to enter trans womanhood, nearly everyone I cared about as far as family and friends went, passed away. I would not recommend it, but my method really simplified the process of telling my deepest darkest secret to others was made so much easier. In fact, I only had two family members to tell of my authentic life. My daughter and my brother which went half and half for me. My daughter remains a steadfast ally to this day while my brother and I have not talked in over a decade.

Thus far, we have only discussed the larger baggage items and not any of the smaller yet still important things we have to bring along with us as we enter a scary yet exciting new world. Such as, what would we do about the interests and hobbies we have built our male lives around. As far as I am concerned, what I always bring up is my lifetime love of sports. For years, I considered I would have to give up my interest in sports in order to transition. Because I knew so few women who were into sports.

Fortunately, the world around me began to change or I began to see more clearly what was really going in the world I was in. In other words, I began to see other women in the sports bars I was in as interested in the games as I was. It was around this time also when the National Football League began to market their product to women. It became stylish for me to wear my team's jersey into the sports bars I became a regular in. In addition, the other women I began to be friends with were sports fanatics.

All of this combined to make my path to my transgender womanhood so much easier. I can compare it to just having to bring a carry-on bag with me on a plane instead of a large piece of luggage. I was more secure and did not have to give up any of my interests I so enjoyed. 

Perhaps the only problem I had was when I talked to men. With them, I often had to dumb myself down when I talked about topics, I knew a lot about. One time, with a tow truck driver, I needed to finally act as if I knew nothing about the mechanics of the truck, we were in to satisfy his ego. It was my first interaction one on one with a man, so I was surprised how it went. Basically, I was forced to give in to him to just maintain civility on the short trip. The lesson I learned was one I kept with me every time I was with a man.

It turned out I had unpacked a whole new set of transgender baggage.

I Was Led Kicking and Screaming

 

Summer Image. JJ Hart

One good question I receive a lot is why it took me so long to finally accept I was a transgender woman and move on. 

The answer is I was literally led kicking and screaming towards my gender dreams of accepting my feminine self. I know it seems like a contradiction in terms, but it is true. Looking back, there were two things I can attribute my problems to. The first one was my male self-put up a real fight every time his territory was encroached on. He always seemed to come up with good reasons why I should not consider going any farther into my increasingly natural feeling feminine world. When I was feeling more and more secure with my decision to live as a transgender woman, a good time as a male would come along and challenge my thought pattern. It was like he was saying, I told you so and I could continue living as a weekend or part-time crossdresser, more or less as a hobby. While other men my age golfed, I wore women's clothes in the secrecy of my house.

Deep down, I knew that would never be the final solution. I knew it from the first days I looked at myself in the mirror cross dressed knowing in a couple of days I would have to do it again because merely dressing in women's clothes just wasn't enough.

The second major problem I had was my twenty-five-year marriage to my second wife. Through all the ups and downs of living together that long, I dearly loved her. Plus, I am always careful to say she knew of my cross dressing before we became married and accepted it. It wasn't until I began to embrace the idea, I was transgender did she begin to put up serious resistance to her ever living with another woman which she equated me with if I started gender affirming hormones. The whole process led to the most shameful period of my life when I began to cheat on my wife, with myself. What I mean was, I would lie to my wife about where I would be and what I would be doing as a man when in truth, I was out testing the public as my new authentic self. I was led kicking and screaming into a new exciting world mainly because it felt so natural to me. 

For once in my life, I began to feel the possibility I could find happiness and just maybe my gender issues were the problem all along. When I reached that point, I ultimately knew deep down what decision I would have to make. It would be selfish of me to give up on our marriage just because I wanted to live as a woman. Ultimately, my decision was made for me when my wife unexpectedly died from a massive heart attack at the age of fifty. Following my tragedy, I decided my resistance to entering transgender womanhood was behind me and the time was now or never to accept my ultimate gender destiny. Start HRT and begin the process to give away all my male clothes, along with all vestiges of his old life.

From then on, my male self was finished.  I went on to find a whole new circle of friends who in turn taught me a deeper meaning of what it meant to be me. There was certainly no more kicking and screaming from my old male self as he had given up to the feminine master of my soul and universe. She had won the battle and never looked back. 

 

Trans Tipping Points

 

Image from Darius Bashar
on UnSplash

Many times, in the quiet of the night, I have the opportunity to look back at my long life.

When I do, I always ultimately come to the conclusion that I was always feminine and just refused to accept it. Even more, there were several times when I realized the many tipping points, I crossed along the way which heavily influenced my life. 

The first I always mention is very early when I cross dressed in front of the mirror at home, deep down I knew just looking like an attractive girl was never going to be enough. Instead, I wanted to be one. Which would become my lifetime goal. In order to arrive at my goal of course, there would be many obstacles to overcome. What would I do about my increasingly complex male life was one good example. Each good thing which happened to me as a man would have to be let go if and when I was able to transition into my preferred transgender womanhood. 

It was then I learned there would be many small tipping points to make it through to achieve my goal. I was finding I had a unique life which just had to be lived if I was to survive at all. The whole experience was at once terrifying and exciting. Here I was on the edge of doing something I had only ever dreamed of. I had arrived at the point where every night I went out as my authentic self, the feedback I received told me I was on the right path. Primarily, for the first time in my life I was feeling natural about what I was exploring with my gender. The main tipping point came when one night I put cross dressing behind me mentally and decided I would join the world of women as an equal, or another woman.

All of a sudden, the slick slope I was on became very slippery and I began to plan ahead for the time when I could begin to live my dream life as a transgender woman. I began to cherish as much as I could, each interaction which was happening in my new exciting world. I was successful in my new life, and I was loving it. Even the mistakes I still was making became fewer and easier to overlook. Through it all, I had no idea I could make it this far.

Perhaps my final and most potent tipping point came when I started gender affirming hormones. I knew when I started them, there would be no turning back. Even though I felt that way, I was not prepared for all the changes I was going to go through. Of course, I knew and hoped for a rapid increase in my breast size and increased growth of my hair. All of that happened as well as a complete softening of my skin. But most unexpected was the quick change I experienced with my emotions. I went through puberty again, even experiencing my first hot flashes. The bottom line was my life just softened, and I could cry tears of joy and anguish over the life I had left behind. Mainly tears of joy over what I had gained.

Tipping points for me became a way of life. Each one I went through brought me closer to my ultimate goal which I never knew was achievable. It was not until then did I understand how deep my gender issues ran. I needed to go through all the transgender tipping points to learn my lesson. 

  

Master of Myself

Transgender Flag from Lena Balk
on UnSplash. 

Or would have it been proper to say, Mistress of myself?

Probably so, as one way or another, I really struggled to arrive at where I needed to be to achieve my goal of transgender womanhood. Often, I write about how many nights when I came home in tears following being laughed at by an unfeeling public. Looking back now, I have a difficult time wondering what kept me going along my gender path. 

I suppose the little flashes of gender euphoria I experienced kept me going. Such as when I was accepted in malls and clothing stores before I realized all the clerks were seeing was my money, not my gender. Before long, the more experience I put behind me as a cross dresser or novice transgender woman, slowly the path was smoother and the happier I was becoming.

Then there were the small mixers I went to in nearby Columbus, Ohio. When I attended, I was able to see and meet all levels of the LGBTQ community. From admirers to transsexuals to lesbians, they all were there. It was one of the mixers where I was cornered by a much larger crossdresser admirer who was trying to take advantage of me and could have until I was rescued by my second wife. It was also there when I had my first encounter with a curious lesbian, and we left the mixer to visit a bigger lesbian bar. At that point, I was still heavily questioning which way my life would go. What kind of a path was I on and did I control it at all. 

In order to gain control, the only thing I could do was try to gain more and more experience as a transgender woman to learn if I was headed in the right direction with my life. So much was at stake and the pressure was on to make the right decision. In the meantime, I continued to follow my path and learn if I could indeed flip my gender script and attempt to be truly happy for the first time in my life. Perhaps, discovering the truth about myself, would finally provide me the missing link I was seeking. Of course, just dressing to appear as a woman did not solve the problem. As I gained confidence in the world, the world wanted to know more about me. The whole process opened up a whole new range of life opportunities. Such as how was I going to learn to communicate as a woman, all the way to adjusting to a whole new world of passive aggressive women. 

Again, it took a while for me to regain control of my life. Of course, attempting to change genders into my authentic self was a seismic shift in my life. On one hand, my authentic self-felt so natural but on the other, the entire process was so scary. So, I took my time before I started taking gender affirming hormones, so I burned all my gender bridges behind me. Looking back now, I wish I had done it all sooner and taken better control of my life.

I did not however and ended up not transitioning until I was in my sixties. Once I did, there was no looking back and I became the mistress of myself. Finally.  

 

Never a Choice

 

Image from Mika
Baumeister on UnSplash

After all these years I still receive the comment of why I chose to leave my male gender behind and pursue transgender womanhood. 

Ironically, very few people removed from the transgender umbrella understand I never had a choice and spent nearly fifty years figuring it all out. Sure, there were brief moments of gender clarity which somehow, I refused to recognize. Then, as the years rolled by, I kept accumulating male baggage which became more and more difficult to consider leaving behind. Examples would be family, friends and jobs which being masculine depended on success. I was caught between having success as a male in a world I never really wanted. For the longest time, every time I was successful at something as a man, I fantasized if I could do it as a transgender woman. A stop gap measure which in the end just caused me more frustration. 

Plus, eventually, frustration turned into more gender pressure. The whole process turned me into a very self-destructive person. Along the way, I tried to tear down all the male successes I had built up. I drank too much, drove too recklessly and even tried suicide as a final solution to my gender pain. Finally, before it was too late, I realized my error. I never had a gender choice and attempting to live even a partial life as a male was a waste of time.

To make matters worse, I was very stubborn, and I attempted to hang on as long as I could in my transgender world by trying to live partially in both worlds, male and female. Slowly but surely, I discovered I could not continue to live that way. The more I learned about living as a trans woman, the more feasible a complete transition became to me. The whole process took me back to my earliest days cross dressed in front of a mirror at home when I realized I wanted to do so much more than just look feminine. I wanted to be feminine but my upbringing in a male dominated family was throwing up all sorts of roadblocks for my future. So, I learned what most men learn. To internalize my feelings the best I could. Which would lead me too much more serious problems later on in life.

The biggest problem was I was fighting the gender battle of my life. Regardless of what my male self was telling me about maintaining the status quo, sooner more than later I would have to face reality and know my gender was never a choice. I could not rest and enjoy my life until I finally made the ultimate decision. 

One lonely night as I was again pondering my future at the age of sixty, I weighed the benefits of both of the genders I was trying to maintain. In a blinding moment of clarity, I gave up forever any rights I ever had to a male life. 

It was the best decision I had ever made in my life. All of a sudden, this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. From that point forward I decided to pursue gender affirming hormones and give all my male clothes away. Most importantly, I faced up to the fact I had never been a male except biologically which had nothing to do with my brain. I followed my brain and never looked back. '

Without the gender monkey on my back, I had a chance to live my life my way. The way I never had a choice of and took too long to realize it. 

Survival versus Impostor Syndrome

Conch Shells

 Many times, during my journey into transgender womanhood, I have experienced my fair share of impostor syndrome when I was able to slip in behind the gender curtain.

Most of the time, my fight with impostor syndrome happened early in life when I was first coming out. It was so unfair when I had spent so much time and effort to perfect my feminine presentation, only to be rejected by my own thoughts. The syndrome was especially strong when I was invited to girl's night's outs or used the women's room. 

On our recent vacation trip, I am happy to say, I think the old curse of impostor syndrome went totally away. Since the trip in reality had very few men in relation to women, many times when we ate meals, we ate with other women. I knew I had it made when others asked if we were sisters. Sadly, the overall physical stress of the trip began to take its toll on me. The sicker and weaker I became, the only thing I was trying to do was make it home in one piece. No matter how hard I tried, Covid was stronger and ended up putting me in a hospital in suburban Atlanta for several days, until I could regain my strength and travel again. I have written before how my daughter had to drive down from Ohio to rescue us when there were no rental cars available. 

Again, survival became the priority over worrying about petty issues about what rest room I was going to use. The only time I wavered in deciding what rest room I was going to use was when we stopped at a little seafood place in Florida around the Everglades. There were only two restrooms to use, clearly marked male and female, so the line to the women's room was very long. After a short time, a few brave women began to go ahead and use the men's room, not unlike you are able to see if you go to any major sporting events. I thought long and hard about going ahead and using the male side but ultimately decided it would be a bad idea. Since I did not have to go that bad and did not want to destroy my perfect restroom record which has gone back over a decade, I decided to wait and use the women's room. 

As we waited for our boat tour of the Everglades, we had lunch, and I was able to order a first for me, Conch Fritters. So, I was able to cross another item off my personal bucket list. During lunch, we found a seat at a table with a couple and a very gruff man wearing an Army hat. He did not seem to want to talk much to me and even though I very badly wanted to ask him where he served, I did not. In some ways, impostor syndrome had set in. 

Of course, in the hospital, as I have written about before, pure survival on my part had set in.  All I wanted was to feel better and be discharged. There was no time to be worried about any sort of impostor syndrome at all. In fact, the whole deal I went through made my ancient worries about fitting in seem very petty in comparison. 

So petty, I wonder if I was ever the same person who was so completely into obsessing on my feminine appearance. Perhaps I needed that time in my life to grow into the transgender woman I am today. I was not aware there were going to be multiple transitions as I grew into my authentic self. Being a functional woman meant so much more than just looking like one. There were factors such as developing communication and personality skills also.

Coming Out Day

 

Key Largo Boat Trip

Recently, I have written several times how my daughter rose to the occasion and drove the six plus hours to Atlanta from Ohio to rescue my wife Liz and I when we were stuck after I landed in the hospital and could not finish our bus trip back.

Our plight became increasingly desperate after there were no rental cars available for us to rent for the trip back. 

This is not the first time I have needed to turn to my daughter for help in my life. First and foremost was the time I came out to her as my authentic transgender self. To my surprise, instead of rejecting me, she simply said why was she the last to know. When in fact, she was one of the first family members I had ever tried to explain who I truly was to. She was under the impression her mother, who was/is my first wife knew I was trans. When in fact her mom knew all along, I was a cross dresser but never knew I wanted to pursue our gender issues any further. The only other person my daughter was referring to was my second wife or her stepmother who always rejected any idea of her living with another woman if I transitioned. So, I needed to explain to my kid, she really was the first.

I remember the coming out day so long ago like it was yesterday. Naturally, I was petrified yet secretly excited to tell another person my deepest, darkest secret. I was leading a hidden life all along and never wanted to be male at all. 

Once I blurted out my transgender truth, I felt immediately better. Especially so after I learned of my daughter's enthusiastic and unqualified acceptance of me. She immediately made plans to go shopping with me, which I rejected and then made an appointment for me at her upscale beauty spa for a hair makeover for my birthday. To this day, the appointment she made was one of the most life changing feminine experiences I have ever gone through. Very quickly I learned why cis women everywhere cherish their time with their beauty stylist. 

Now, as my daughter is coming close to finish raising three wonderful kids (including one who is transgender) it seems she is now shifting to care giver mode with several elderly extended family members. Including me of course. I am so fortunate to have Liz to help me also to take most all of the possible burden off of my daughter. 

In the meantime, I can't say enough about how much I appreciate all the help she has given me. I consider myself a very independent person and being a senior transgender woman has put added pressures into my life. This latest bout I fought with Covid has brought me into an increased focus of what is important in my life. My health and the people around me.