The Power of Estrogen

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

On occasion when I apply my dosage of Estradiol  patches, I pause to consider the effects on my body. Since I have been on hormone replacement therapy for years now, I take many of the changes for granted. Which I know I never should. I never know when my health may deteriorate and I may have to discontinue HRT. 

To begin with, I was one of the fortunate transgender individuals who at my age (early 60's) had passed the health screenings so I could begin wholesale changes to my body. Little did I know my body would just be the beginning to the changes I would experience.  Before you begin to think this is going to be another post about the usual effects of HRT, it is not. The usual effects happened relatively quickly for me, my hair and breasts grew, my skin softened and my selfish desire to be able to present well as a transgender woman was achieved  Reasons for the quick changes could have been I already had a higher level of natural estrogen in my body (which I never had checked) or most likely was my age which would have signaled a decrease in my testosterone anyhow.

What I didn't realize my brief gender euphoria I achieved would be short lived. Quickly I experienced new emotional highs and lows while at the same time I was going through the second major gender puberty in my life. I will never forget the first time I went through hormone induced hot flashes and I thought I was going to internally combust. Emotional changes included being able to cry for the first time in my life, for any number of reasons. An example was the sunset I was watching on my porch when an approaching small thunderstorm approached. For no apparent reason I began to softly cry. I think I cried because I was losing what remained of my old male self. Before I was unable to cry for even my closest family members when they passed away.

In no time at all, the emotions of beginning my new hormonal journey far outpaced the outward physical changes which occurred.  One of the changes which occurred was when my bodies' thermostat was effectively destroyed. Before hormones, similar to any other macho guy, I didn't really put much belief into when a woman told me she was cold. When I became cold all the time, I became that woman. My cis woman friends back then just told me welcome to their world. Little did they know. their world was the place I so badly wanted to experience. All the way to changing my hormonal gender levels through medication. 

I know also, many transgender women for health reasons can not undertake HRT and have never missed it. Perhaps they always had a higher natural estrogen level to begin with or are living proof gender comes from between the ears, not between the legs. 

In all cases too, socialization needs to be considered when we consider what makes a woman or a man. Socialization is so important when someone makes it (or doesn't)  In other words, some females or males never make it to the level of being women or men. For whatever reason, their life's journey is interrupted. 

Most importantly to me, estrogen took the hard edge of testosterone off of me. More than my hair, breasts and hips, my internal peace of who I had became was the new focus of my life. I was mellowed out by my new hormonal self induced (and doctor) monitored levels. Once I started the process I never needed to look back. As you can tell, HRT to me was much more than the physical results.   

It's a Phase?

Image from Samuel Regan Assante 
on UnSplash

 Years ago I became enamored with the idea my cross dressing was just a phase and perhaps someday I would grow out of it. Of course I never did and here we are as I live a life as a fulltime transgender woman. 

I think that even though my Mom never mentioned anything about her clothes being worn or her makeup being used, she most likely thought (or hoped) I was going through some sort of a phase. There is no way I can't believe I was as good as I thought I was hiding my "hobby" from her. Especially when I began to acquire my very own hard earned small wardrobe of feminine clothes and makeup. Even though this phase of my life was just the beginning, it did teach me the lengths of effort I would have to go to to hide my true self from everyone.  I needed to try extra hard to at least participate in male activities such as  sports to cover how I really felt about my life.

It turned out, my early years were a phase after all. The years turned out to be a learning process when I learned the basics of not surviving in a mirror and being able to venture out in the world for the first time as a woman. Very quickly I learned the more I ventured out, the more natural I felt for the first time in my life. A new phase of my life was just beginning. I was loving my successful experiences in a feminine world. 

The next phase of my life was attempting to being able to fully play in the girl's sandbox. I felt I had earned the right due to so many different situations I encountered as I went about my MtF gender transition. All the way from being asked to leave certain venues to being totally accepted and being embraced for being a regular guest. I even considered I was welcomed for the extra diversity I added to the venue. Sadly, I will never know for sure why. I can only know I was.

At this point, my phases of life became a little blurred because they were coming so fast. All of a sudden I gained friends who included me in their circles. I was invited to everything from lesbian mixers, all the way to women's roller derby. Each invitation added to my understanding of a world I so badly wanted to enter. Most importantly, I needed the opportunity to be rounded out as the new feminine person I was becoming. The process was never easy but I had much needed friends help me. 

It took awhile to realize the largest phase I was going through was when I was trying my hardest to survive and prosper in a male world. I needed to act like I enjoyed the BB Gun I received for Christmas instead of the doll baby I really wanted as well as acting as if I enjoyed going hunting with my Dad and younger brother. It wasn't to be until later in life when I learned how successful I had been in covering myself as a macho male. Certain people were totally surprised when I came out and transitioned into the transgender world. I guess I was too successful in my hiding phase when I was younger.

Everybody's life  includes phases, transgender or not. It just seem our trans life's have more intense phases as we attempt very difficult transitions. Often at the risk of losing everything. We can only hope new phases bring balance to our life as well as a chance to move forward. Often out of our dark lonely closets. 

No Assumptions

Liz on Left, Daughter on Right from
the Jessie Hart Collection 

Yesterday I was out and about as I went with my wife Liz to her doctors appointment. Since I had been there several times before, I assumed nothing would be much different and for the most part I would be invisible. In other words, I would be able to blend in with the world.

Except for an unexpected encounter with a delivery driver, nothing much did change. Once again I exchanged pleasantries on the weather with the very nice greeter/directions woman at the door while I waited for Liz to get signed in. I say nice because she normally says you ladies have a good day. Which is always music to my ears. The delivery driver was much different when he seemed genuinely shocked when we came face to face when he was picking up his hand truck to unload. Before he had a chance to react one way or another any further, the elevator door opened and away we went. So I never had the chance to see if he would have had any further reactions to meeting a real live transgender woman face to face. My assumption was he wouldn't.

The rest of the visit consisted of me being mainly ignored which was my assumption all along anyhow. I was satisfied with the fact I was able to blend in with the world. After all, I was just wearing a pair of jeans and my tie-dyed tank top with a peace sign and the slogan "Every Little Thing Gonna' Be Alright". Once again, a throw back to my old hippie/boho days. I love the way the tank top gently hugs my developing curves and shows off what I have worked so hard to earn with the help of my hormone replacement therapy. 

The only other personal contact of the day came later with the pizza delivery man. We have a very regular place we get delivery from and always request (and tip well) a certain driver when we can get him. Since he has seen me several times before without any makeup at all, I was happy for him to see me with a light application of eye makeup and lipstick which was essentially left over from our earlier trip out. As I assumed there was no extra feedback from him. He was pleasant and on his way. 

All in all, these days, assumptions are difficult to make with all the rising anti-transgender hate in the world which will extend sooner or later into the entire LGBTQ community. To counteract all of the possible hate, I try to act as if nothing at all is wrong with me. Which it isn't. In addition, I dress to blend and try to go to safe places. Even doing all of that, I still am always on guard for the person who may negatively question my right to gender freedoms as a transgender woman. 

To do all that I can, I was reached out to yesterday concerning the possibility of me participating on a local Alzheimer's board here in Cincinnati. I said I was interested for a couple of reasons. The first is I feel I need to become more active in the community again since I am beginning to feel better and secondly my Dad passed away from a very ugly battle with Dementia. I'm sure he would want me to get involved however I could to help. At least, it's my assumption. 

Assumptions are difficult anyway you look at them. Once you think you know something for sure, something comes along to change your mind. Hopefully for the better. 

Can't Means Won't

Image from Moritz
Mentgez on Unplash 

Often when I read someone say they can't transition, it means they won't. 

I most likely remember hearing a saying similar to that way back in my days when I was playing sports and a coach quoted it to me when I wanted to quit. On the other hand, there are many reasons someone deep in their closet can't transition. I am not putting myself up on any sort of pedestal because I spent so many years trying to decide if and when I could complete a MtF transgender transition. 

My first big roadblock was attempting to improve my presentation to the point where I could blend in on even a minimal basis in the public's eye. Once I began to basically be successful, I began to be encouraged to the point I may be able to live out a life long dream of living as a woman. Little did I know that just trying my best to look like a woman would be just the beginning, There turned out to be so many other twists and turns in my journey which I often write about here. Many times along the way when I considered thinking I can't do that, it was a sure sign I couldn't. 

Perhaps my biggest roadblock which may have turned out to be a positive was the twenty five year long relationship I had with my second wife. She was the wife who passed away without ever accepting my desire to transition into a transgender lifestyle. For all the wrong reasons I ended up sneaking around behind her back and tried to explore more and more if I could indeed live as a woman. The positive was the entire process I was caught up in as a very serious transvestite or cross dresser taught me very explicitly what I would be facing if indeed I decided to transition. Each time I entered the feminine world it seemed I learned a new and important lesson. Primarily when I needed to communicate with another person (primarily women), I discovered why men and women have such a difficult time understanding each other. If men are from Mars and women from Venus, I turned out to be some sort of a space traveler in between. 

Through it all, my basic desire to keep going kept me pursuing my feminine gender dreams. Similar to being told I could never have a job working for the American Forces Radio and Television Service when I needed to serve my military duty, I found a way around the obstacles and was successful. I did manage to serve out my three years in the Army working for AFRTS. For once in my life by pushing forward against the odds, I felt I could be successful.

Can't meaning won't didn't work for me either in several ways. Immediately, when I started to seriously transition, I began to diet and took off nearly fifty pounds. In essence, I was doing what any woman would do to look as good as I could. In addition, for several years previous, I was taking extra care of my skin which helped also. I again, similar to any other woman, was doing my best to work with what I had. If I was still going to travel between Mars and Venus, I was going to try to make the journey as easy as possible.

No matter how hard I tried, I kept running up against obstacles such as family acceptance and employment. My brother and his family were completely lost to me when I finally transitioned and started hormone replacement therapy but I was fortunate when my only child (a daughter) completely accepted me. As far as employment went, I was close enough to retirement age to go ahead and retire. Suddenly, the gender doors which I had been knocking at all those years opened and my life changed. 

The reality of my situation was  when I listened to my high school coach who said "Can't means won't" I learned he was right. What he never said was how long it might take to happen. We never know what the future may bring.       

Finding New Friends

 

Image from Dave Goudreau
on UnSplash

In an extension of yesterday's post, I promised to write another post explaining how I found a complete new circle of close friends as a transgender woman.

As it turned out, going out to be alone resulted in me being embraced by several other cis women I met in person in the venues I became a regular in. The first came when I was approached by a bar tender who was always very kind to me and treated me with respect. One night she asked me if I would consider meeting her lesbian mother for a drink. Without hesitation I said yes  and a friendship was formed which continues to this day. Her name is Kim and she is the person who included me in a small group of family and friends who went one night to a NFL Monday Night Football game. Of course during that time, I was still fairly new to going out in the world as a transgender woman and this would be a major undertaking.  Attempting to blend in and enjoy an entire pro-football game with my ill fitting wig was going to be a challenge and I was terrified I would be spotted and harassed by another drunk fan. But I wasn't and the game went off without any big problems. In fact, the only big one was my team was defeated and I had to accept it as the new woman I was. The whole experience will go down as one of the major coming out points of my gender journey. Proving once again to me I was much more than a casual cross dresser or transvestite and quite possibly learn to live full time as a transgender woman. Kim's kindness will forever be appreciated.

The second of three lesbian cis women I met was Nikki. In the years that have gone by, she has been off social media and I have lost contact with her. We met (similar to Kim) in a venue I was a regular in. One night when I was doing my usual being alone, Nikki came in to pick up a to-go food order. While she was there she glanced down the bar at me and sent a message down to me. Sadly, I don't remember now what the message said but we ended up meeting and drinking together for several years afterward. Usually, Kim, Nikki and I would meet somewhere and watch sports or just talk. Plus, Nikki is the person who got me involved in going to Lesbian mixers with her and Kim. Since I had support, usually the mixers were a good time and as always I learned a lot.  One night I was even asked to be a "wing person" and was asked to summon my courage and ask another woman to respond to Nikki's desire to know her. I thought, I only live once, so why not.

The third woman I met came from an on-line dating site. Of course I needed to work my way through tons of rejections and trashy people before I stumbled upon a big winner. To expand my experience and the possibility of finding someone I always told the truth about being transgender, To change it all up, I would sometimes go on the women seeking women page and on occasion reverse it to men. One day I received a response from a nearby person who lived in Cincinnati, Ohio. This all happened nearly twelve years ago and the woman who contacted me was my current wife Liz. To this day, she is very open to anyone who is interested that she picked me up because I had "sad eyes." From there we started to write each other after work daily until I had enough courage for her to hear my voice over the phone. Finally we decided to meet in person when I asked her out to a drag show which was happening at a venue nearly halfway between where we both lived. To make a long story short, we enjoyed ourselves and have been together ever since. Plus we were just married last October. 

Along the way, I felt my success in being able to locate and keep the relationships I did came from me going full circle in life. My good times made up for the extreme low points I felt when I was so lonely and confused due to my gender dysphoria. To this day, I am never shy of giving the new friends I found the credit they deserve for helping me with my intense MtF gender transition.

 

Becoming Involved Through Isolation

 

Photo from
the Jessie Hart
Collection

When I first decided to leave my dark lonely gender closet and attempt to live as a transgender woman, I was extremely lonely and more than a little confused. 

During that time I had lost nearly everything which was dear to me. My wife had just died, along with many of the close friends I had managed to know and on top of all of that, it was becoming more and more evident I was going to lose my restaurant which I had invested so much time and money in. During this time of extreme duress, one of my only releases from the pain was resorting to my feminine self to help me.

In order to figure out where I was going to go, I had to consider several important points. The main one of course was which venue I should go to. Previously I was taking the easy way out by going to the safer gay venues I had heard of. In some ways, they were safer but surprisingly acceptance for transgender women such as me just wasn't evident. Most of the time I was considered to be just another drag queen, which of course I wasn't. Plus, if I ended up looking similar to a drag queen, all it proved was I had a lot of work to do on my feminine presentation. Another point I failed to consider was, the vast majority of men in the male gay venues I was going to didn't want anything to do with a woman anyhow. So I was left out again. 

Since I really didn't care for the overall atmosphere, I needed to find other places to live my new reality. Finally I decided to attempt to go to places I previously enjoyed as my male self, upscale sports bars with cold draft beer and many big screen televisions to watch my favorite sporting events. The best of both worlds for me if I could find acceptance as my feminine self. 

Other than a few notable rejections when I was asked to leave a couple venues I shouldn't have been in to start with, I did find acceptance. Even to the point of gaining women's room privilege's. I was still alone in a spot where single women don't go, I still was able to be considered a regular by the bartenders who even came to my rescue when I needed it due to unwanted attention from overly drunk men. To dissuade the men even further I used my cell phone as a prop. Once I sat down and began to get settled, I then would pull out my phone and acted as if I was waiting for someone to join me. Often all of my act was wishful thinking because again I was very lonely. I was stressed because on one hand I wanted to find a friend as a woman but on the other hand, I was very troubled about the how's and why's of how  it could ever happen. Those were the days I was very confused about how my gender transition would effect my sexuality. Which turned out to be a non issue which is a topic for a whole other blog post.

Speaking of other blog posts, it was through my being alone to find someone, paid off very well for me. Through the process, I ended up finding cis-women friends who were very instrumental in my navigation of the MtF transition process. They taught me more than they ever knew. 

Possibly the route I took to my transition success is not the path others should take but becoming involved through isolation worked for me.   

Losing. A Transgender Privilege?

 

Front Cover of Book by
Jan and Dianne DeLap

Is losing a privilege of being transgender? Without a doubt yes. Right now I am reading a book by "Jan and Dianne DeLap" called Living and Loving a Transgender Life Together. Briefly, Dianne is approximately the same age I am (74) and has shared many of the same experiences. Including losses.

Included in her experiences was losing her wife of many years who had transitioned with her and all the trials and tribulations of changing careers to earn a living. In other words, she writes about how much she had to lose to finally live a life as a transgender woman she always wanted. If you would like more information on Dianne's book contact me at Cyrstih@yahoo.com. Or her book is available on Amazon.

Very definitely, it didn't take reading Dianne's book for me to realize when you are transgender you have to realize you may lose some or all of the major facets of your life. Such as losing family, spouses, employment and even housing. You regulars know I write about all the possible losses you may experience from changing your gender often. I use the losses as a way of describing what we do in our lives is in no way a choice. We needed to complete a transition to live. 

As we become more and more involved in a gender transition as a transgender woman, we find out quickly we are kicked out of the "boys club" as we lose our male privileges. It's no secret just one of the main privilege's we lose concerns personal safety. Cis-women grow up with the knowledge of trying to insure their personal safety by not finding themselves in questionable situations. Such as not being alone at night in the dark,  in isolated situations or trying to sense which men may be toxic and dangerous. Transgender woman face the task of catching up to what cis women are taught at an young age to be careful of. I was lucky when I learned the hard way, danger as a trans woman could come my direction also. I wasn't injured but could have been.

One aspect of transitioning I don't write about enough is when we win as transgender women. Many times we win just because we have achieved living a life as our authentic selves. Referring back to Dianne, her life (similar to mine) revolved learning all the aspects of who we were as we continued to slowly understand our true selves. Slowly but surely the realization came to me if I didn't transition I would die. I needed to make the choice before living any life as my old unwanted male self precluded me living at all. At that point, I realized I needed to trade in all my male privilege to simply earn myself a way to continue to live.   

When I finally did summon the courage to follow my ultimate dream of living fulltime as a transgender woman, I began to reap the benefits.  Primarily, my long diagnosed Bi-Polar depression began to  decrease in it's intensity and on occasion, I was even able to locate and enjoy brief moments of happiness which had been noticeably absent in my life. 

So there are ways to recoup the losses I sustained in life when I transitioned. Although I do think my ultimate gender transition will not happen until I pass away. Because I am still living and learning. Most certainly losing is but one aspect of our lives as transgender women and trans men but gaining our lives is worth it. 

Unhappiness

 

Image from Abigail Keenan
on UnSplash 

When someone asks me why I ever would give up the male privilege I reluctantly earned to pursue a life as a transgender woman, it's easy to answer.. The entire process required me to jump into an existence I didn't know really much about. Regardless of spending a lifetime of closely observing almost every girl/woman I saw. 

One of the simplest responses I could ever come up with, as well as one which was easiest to understand, was I just unhappy with who I was. 

In many ways the whole process started when I was very young when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always answered without fail and didn't tell the truth. Instead of the usual doctor or lawyer answer everyone wanted to hear, all I could keep thinking was I wanted to be a woman when I grew up.  Imagine the shock I would have received if I had ever told the truth. So I did the natural, for me, and held my ever increasing gender dysphoria to myself. I built a very dark and lonely gender closet while I was very unhappy. Even when I achieved some success in my male dominated world. It was difficult enough to achieve happiness in my family to begin with but nearly impossible when I added in anything to do with my gender dysphoria. Keep in mind, all of this occurred back in the days when being a transvestite or transsexual was considered to be a mental health issue.

Even still, I knew I wasn't crazy, all I wanted was to be was feminine. As I went through a life which included graduating with two college degrees along with surviving a stint in the Army, I never lost my desire to be a woman. In fact, the more I explored my chances to live as a transgender woman, the more natural I felt. When I was successful in my explorations I did feel so natural and yes, even happy. Since happiness was an emotion I had never felt in my life, I knew I was on the right path. The problem was, I was so used to existing with an underlying unhappiness in my life, I didn't know how to live without it. Or, in some ways, I thought it was just the normal way of living. Plus most of all the other transgender or transvestites around me seemed to be unhappy also. Even when they were supposedly going down a gender path which made them happy. 

The problem which became evident also was how much baggage could I bring with me from my old male life into my new feminine one. Since I had spent so much time acquiring all the life's knowledge I had, I didn't want to lose it all. Mainly because not all of the experiences I acquired as a guy were unpleasant and I wanted to remember them. I found rather quickly I couldn't bring much of my knowledge with me because society didn't dictate women didn't know (or shouldn't know) about subjects such as sports or politics. By joining the feminine gender, I literally lost a portion of my intelligence. I knew it was going to be a reality when I transitioned to being a transgender woman but even still I was shocked in how fast it happened. 

By this point in my transition I needed to decide what was more important to me, my male privileges or my happiness in life. For once I had the chance to throw away all of the privilege and choose my happiness.. I finally had the chance to live my childhood dream of living as a woman.    

Keeping Secrets

 

Image from the
Jessie Hart Collection

These days as my memory tries to fade in situations I want to remember, I struggle to understand how I ever was able to pursue a life as a novice cross dresser. 

The only thing I do know is somehow I became a very skilled person in hiding my small wardrobe of clothes and when I could wear them. Very early I was able to combine my meager allowance I earned from working around the house with money I earned from delivering newspapers. I was fortunate in that my Grandma lived in town within walking distance of several of the old five and dime stores which sold makeup as well as a small selection of women's clothes. It was scary and exciting when I could visit her, sneak away, go downtown, and try to shop for my own feminine accessories. My memory has not failed me when I remember how terrified and confused I was when I made my own tentative steps to purchase items. First I needed to figure out what I was going to try to buy and then buy it. I was certain the clerk who checked me out would stop and ask me what I was doing with all my selections but of course she never did. 

Another problem I had when I went downtown was my Dad worked nearby the stores I was going to. I certainly did not want to meet up with him with purchases such as lipstick or panty hose. Happily, I never did. Then, once I returned to Grandma's, I needed to hide my treasures from her and begin to figure out how I was going to sneak them into the house past the two most inquisitive members of my family. My slightly younger brother and my Mom. I can't imagine now how I did it but somehow I managed. Slowly but surely I was able to end my reliance with trying to wear my Mom's clothes and use her makeup. Except for using her electric razor to shave my legs. How did I ever get away with that? You would think someone in my family would notice my hairless legs but no one ever did as I was hooked on the electric sensation when I put on panty hose with freshly shaved legs. 

I know one of the ways I found a semblance of privacy to cross dress as a girl came when I had acquired enough clothes in my wardrobe to hide a second small "stash" in an old hallowed out tree in the woods next door to our house. After school, I was able to slip away from my brother before my parents came home from work and visit my "wardrobe" in the woods. The entire process was far from ideal but I was able to feel the sensations of the clothes and it was enough to get me by.

I suppose the whole process of growing up with gender dysphoria taught me how to be a better sneak. Which I was never proud of. I was so sad I needed to keep such an important part of my life so hidden from the rest of the world. It turned out to be the beginning of a gender process which continued as I finally went through the process of transitioning into a transgender woman. Several of my least favorite memories which are still vivid (sadly) are when I tried and failed to sneak around on my second wife. Even though she had bent over backwards to help me as well as she could with my cross dressing, I still had to try to sneak around and do more as a novice transgender woman learning the world. Of course she would find out on occasion and all hell would break out. 

Keeping secrets was certainly no fun and with my straight forward personality, I don't know how I was able to keep up my all male  appearances but I did. Perhaps not remembering all that I went through is just a case of selective gender memory.