Two Alpha Women and a Trans Girl

 

Image from WheresLugo
on UnSplash

Over the years as I write about frequently, I wonder quite a bit how I turned out the way I did as a transitioning transgender woman. 

Recently I have come to realize I experienced a serious battle between two alpha females and one lonely transgender girl was what was going on. I should have recognized the battle much sooner because I experienced two alpha females attempting to live together under the same roof.  What happened was when I was a teenager, my Dad somehow engineered his Mom moving into an already crowded house with my younger brother and more importantly my Mom. Of course an uneasy truce was established between the two women. Leaving me less time to practice my feminine past-time in the hall way mirror. What I did learn was the power of an alpha woman. If you don't think women can be alpha, you certainly have not been paying attention to how the genders interact in the world. 

Fast forward many years to the point when I began to seriously transition to being a full time transgender woman. It was the time I began to seriously clash with my second wife who had always known I was a transvestite or cross dresser but hated any thoughts of me living a transgender existence. During that period of time I really tried to have her accept me as a woman but it never came close to happening. Looking back, I can see now why. My way of trying to gain her acceptance was to mimic the way she dressed, as close as I could. In order to not look like a man in women's clothes, I simply had to wear makeup to present as well as I could. What ever I tried was never good enough to gain her acceptance and I think now I have an idea why.

I started with remembering what woman friends my second wife had. Overall she had a few close friends but probably not many more than I had male friends. All her friends were similar to her in that they didn't wear much makeup or overly feminine frilly dresses. It was quite the adjustment for me early on when I attempted to fit in with her. Which never happened. I think now, deep down, my wife realized she was dealing with another alpha woman who was just beginning her journey The woman I refer to of course was me and similar to my Mom and Grandma, clashes were impossible to avoid. As I transitioned, it turned out nearly all of my feminine role models were alpha women. It just took me years to grow out of my closet and accept my teachings.

Perhaps these days, it may be easier to be an alpha woman. Even if you are transgender. In fact I know a couple. With all the legislative and social pushback going on against the LGBTQ community (especially the Trans group) we have to be stronger to explore the world as our authentic selves than ever before. 

If you are still in your closet, timidly thinking about coming out into the world, keep in mind you may be harboring another alpha female just waiting for her chance to shine. As far as my second wife is concerned, she sadly passed away in 2007 without ever accepting the authentic self. My fondest desire is even if she could never accept me being a transgender woman, she still could accept me as a friend. On the other hand, I am so fortunate in that I was accepted totally nearly twelve years ago by my current wife Liz who was instrumental in helping me finally escape my gender closet.  Destiny was indeed kind to me and my alpha female training helped me to be whole.  

You Don't Know

 

Image from Noah Grossenbacher
on UnSplash

You don't know what you don't know is so appropriate when it comes to describing a lengthy transgender transition. 

Similar to anybody else, I had my predetermined ideas of the steps I would need to go through.  Very early on, I was so involved in looking the part I failed to realize all the other intangibles I would face along the way.  My all encompassing desire to be an attractive woman many times would lead to huge fights with my second wife. She was a very strong, down to earth woman who accepted my cross dressing desires but drew the line at any idea I was transgender. Since she didn't wear much makeup at all, she was fond of calling me the "Pretty, Pretty Princess"  when I put the time and effort into being the most attractive woman  I could be. I got my revenge when we were going to an event where she needed to wear makeup and she was forced to turn to me for guidance. 

What I didn't realize how much my old male ego entered in when I was fortunate enough to be mistaken for a woman in the rare times I was out in the public's eye. Mostly without my wife. What happened was my gender euphoria was at an all time high, for a small amount of time. All too soon the euphoria would wear off and I was stuck with the same old feeling of living a male life I didn't want to. I wanted to explore the world more and more as a woman and the person holding me back was my wife. Not a good position to be in and our relationship suffered. Somehow I barely kept my urges under some sort of under control and we made it through twenty five years of marriage before she unexpectedly passed  away from a massive heart attack. What I didn't know was all the negative I was facing at the time would lead to new challenges as I transitioned.

The first major obstacle I didn't know I would have to face when I was crushed by the need to communicate with the world as my chosen gender. Essentially what happened was any gender euphoria I was experiencing was very fleeting as I settled into a new gender reality. Interacting with women and men was so new and different. Along the way I was still so concerned with my appearance but I now had to be concerned how I reacted with the world. It was time to face another unknown as I needed to put the entire gender picture together and attempt to live my dream of living full time as a transgender woman. The second major obstacle or unknown was would accomplishing my goal be as rewarding as I thought it all would be.

The great unknown was when I gave away all my remaining male clothes. It was the final symbolic step in saying goodbye to my old male self. It was so different  waking up  and having to be a feminine person rather than just wanting to be a woman on a temporary basis. The first thing which happened was I needed to accept what kind of girl did I wanted to be. As it turned out, it was during this time my inner woman took over. To make a long story short, I was more of a boho style tomboy, than I was a girly girl. I learned whatever the outcome, the transition came so naturally I wondered why I took so long to undertake it. 

As I reach my mid seventies and have less life to live than I have lived, I hope the unknowns will be less noticeable but I doubt it. What fun would that be anyhow?

Transgender Discovery

Pride Photo from past with Ohio
River. From the Jessie Hart
Collection

Recently on the day that Pride began, I guess it was fitting one of my long ago male friends found out the changes I have gone through. 

I wasn't there to witness how he learned my name had changed and I was living as a woman a distance away in Cincinnati, Ohio. What happened was my daughter and first wife were attending a funeral for my friend's nephew. After the ceremony my friend from way back in my high school and Army days asked innocently enough how (my dead name) was doing.  Keep in mind I haven't seen or heard from him in nearly forty plus years. He served some very difficult duty in Vietnam and for all intents and purposes became a hermit. 

Amazingly, after he asked my ex wife about me by my old dead name, she said "Who?" By this time my very supportive daughter was listening intently. The next thing that happened was my ex wife told him the whole truth concerning my gender transition to which he seemed to be very confused according to my daughter.  I'm a little surprised he was confused with the transgender concept because he has another nephew who is a transgender man. Perhaps it was because when he knew me I was in a macho overdrive attempting to cover up any feminine tendencies I may have had. Except when I went to one Halloween party with him and his soon to be wife dressed as my attempt as a sexy woman. I guess I was too good at hiding I was macho through my feminine outfit I was enjoying so much.

The biggest surprise I had from the entire episode of coming out with someone I hadn't seen for decades came from my wife Liz. Once I told her what happened, she asked if I was mad at or disappointed with how my ex wife handled the whole thing. I immediately said no. Most certainly I don't care if any of the very rare individuals from my past know I am now living as a transgender woman. In fact, I can't remember anyone I haven't told if I had any contact with them at all. As I always have said, I had such a small circle of male friends it is easy to remember any I never told my deep dark secret. In fact I never had to because nearly all of my old male friends passed away before I transitioned to a fulltime transgender woman. It seemed though, one previous friend I hadn't even considered slipped through the cracks. 

I also think if he had been paying attention, I was/am not the only transgender person in his immediate family or previous acquaintances. As I previously written, he has a nephew who is trans as well as my daughter's child who is trans also. Since it has been decades since I have seen him I have no idea of how he is reacting. 

Positively I hope.   

It's LGBTQ Pride Month

Caitlyn Jenner...NOT the face of Pride

Once a year we pause to join the world with our Pride month. This year is ever more important that the transgender (or "T") of the LGBTQ alphabet is visible.

Why do we have to be more visible? Because of all the recent anti legislative bills which typically involve the perceived weakest link of all the LGBTQ facets in the public eye. The fact remains, most of the public does not know a trans person. Plus the trans umbrella still seems to be plagued by negative supposed role models like Caitlyn Jenner. Because of all of that and more it essential as much as possible we stand up for ourselves in a positive manner.

Now let's get down to Pride Celebrations themselves. In todays' ultra restrictive societies some react to the hypocrisy of certain big companies/corporations which sponsor Prides then do nothing the rest of the year to further the rights of individual transgender women or men. This year, the entire matter just seems to be overshadowed  by situations such as the beer "Bud Light" went through. 

Personally, the problem I had with major Pride celebrations was the influence of drag queens. It always seemed to me the transgender community was overshadowed by overly made up men in dresses. Again, this year is different because even the right to dress in drag has come under attack in some states. Of course I support the right of drag queens to do their thing and that means continuing their representation at Pride events. Just don't confuse it with me.

In fact, in the past, when I have attended larger Pride celebrations in Ohio, I felt I needed to separate myself from the drag queens. One year after we first met, my wife Liz even made me a shirt to wear which said "Transgender Veteran, I fought for your right to deny me mine,"   I wanted to show the world I was not a drag queen. 

Regardless of all of that, the biggest issue with LGBTQ Prides this year is everyone's personal safety. Even with the possible threat of violence hanging over everyone's head this year, more and more smaller communities around me at least are starting or continuing their own Pride celebrations. It is good to see. Since transgender people have been around since the beginning of time, we most certainly aren't going anywhere now.   

Hopefully attending the Cincinnati celebration Liz and I have attended in the past will be a possibility this year also. (It's coming up later in the month,) Since I have mobility problems and Liz has an upcoming medical procedure, we will just have to wait and see. In the meantime, enjoy your LGBTQ Pride Month. 

Transgender Losses

Photo from
the Jessie 
Hart Collection

 One of the main transphobic arguments I read is we transgender persons have a choice to live as we do.

No one ever mentions all the things we have to give up to exist as our authentic selves. Just a few of the things we often have to give up is contact with immediate family, employment and friends. The older we start our transitions, often the it is the more we have accumulated in life and have to give up. Being placed between the gender rock and the hard place leads to terrible problems. Problems no one would accept if they didn't need to, just to live. In no way was it ever a choice. 

If you have gone through a transgender transition, I am sure you have losses you have undergone. I am an example in that specifically I have lost all contact with my only brother and his family when I came out to him. I would have lost more than my brother if I had it to lose. By the time I completed my MtF gender transition in my early sixties, I had sadly lost (to death) my second wife of twenty five years, nearly all of my close male friends (which I had very few of) and employment, since I was nearly old enough to retire on Social Security. As you can tell I did not have that much to lose once I made the choice to transition. Seemingly destiny had intervened and doors were being opened wide for me to go through. So wide, it was even about same time the Veterans' Administration health care system approved administering hormone replacement therapy for transgender veterans which I was one of. 

All in all, I feel I experienced an easier time during my later in life transition than most others. During the decades before I considered myself transgender, I described myself as a "serious" cross dresser. Being a serious cross dresser enabled me to come closer to learning the fine art of feminine dressing and makeup. I even survived the cross dressing teen years when I tried to dress too sexy which turned out to be too trashy. Having all of that behind me really helped my survival rate when I needed it the most as I was seriously out in the public's eye as a transgender woman. 

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention the loss of all the male privileges I went through. All of a sudden I seemingly lost part of my intelligence. Even to the point of not being listened to when my car stalled out one day and I needed to call a tow truck. When I did, the driver, along with a sheriff who had stopped to help me huddled (without me) to map out the easiest route back to my house. Like I didn't know? I learned the hard way perhaps the biggest privilege I lost when I began to live fulltime as a transgender woman was my own personal safety. I was lucky in a couple circumstances when I exposed myself to danger by placing myself in situations which could have led to problems. I had to learn the hard way what every other woman knows about not going into dark places with no potential escape routes. 

Even though my transgender losses may have been less than others, I still lost enough to know transitioning was more than a choice for me. I had to do it or take my own life. 

Was the Big Easy, Easy?

Image from Jade Photography 
on UnSplash

Several years ago, my wife Liz and I made the journey on a tour bus from Cincinnati to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. New Orleans is also known as the "Big Easy". 

As it turned out, the trip turned out to be anything but easy. It was a very challenging learning experience. Previously, Liz and I had gone on other bus tours with the same company which were shorter and turned out to be pleasant. The only main challenge which occurred was not being allowed to use the in bus restroom except in times of dire emergency.  Very quickly I learned the "pleasures" of standing in line with a group of other women waiting to use the bathroom. Often at a cramped state supplied roadside rest. After the first couple of times with the same women, I seemingly was accepted and allowed to do my very basic business without incident. I was relieved in more ways than the obvious.

The trip to New Orleans proved to be much longer with many more "rest stops". Again I didn't have many problems until the bus made it to the deep south and we stopped on the Mississippi/Alabama state line. As we joined the line waiting to go in, my nervousness increased. My feelings proved to be unfounded until I had to come face to face with two women after I paused to wash my hands. They took one look and me and glared and I thought here it goes. In response I smiled, dried my hands and vacated the rest room as quickly as I could. I was so scared I kept thinking a small town deep south redneck cop would be pulling the bus over looking for me. Fortunately, nothing happened and the bus then took us to the outskirts of New Orleans itself before it needed to stop for fuel. During the refueling stop again I needed to take care of business and hurriedly did it. Liz, however was behind me and took longer to get a stall, so I needed to wait alone for her. While I was waiting, I tried to waste time by looking at the truck stop tourist items like I was really going to purchase an alligator skull. My paranoia told me to keep moving as I waited for Liz and the Bus to get ready to go again. By having some sort of a purpose, I hoped to ward off any sort of unwanted advances by anyone. Which never came.

Once we arrived in the "Big Easy" the bus stopped at the big seafood restaurant with wonderful food. As I finished my meal, I excused myself and went to the restroom. While I was in there, another woman from the bus saw me and said something to the fact that I used "their" bathroom too. Since she was elderly and not overly negative, I chalked up the entire experience to education...for her. From the restaurant it was on to our fantastic hotel and the blur of an actual Mardi Gras experience,  I say blur because it is how I remember it. As a casual visitor I think being at Mardi Gras was a wonderful one time happening but a less crowded trip to New Orleans would be more enjoyable as I have been there twice now. Once as my male self.

Our trip to the actual event involved quite a bit of walking and pushing our ways through huge crowds, Plus the rest room theme raised it's potentially ugly head again as any restroom was difficult to find. We had to stop and eat off the main route to basically find a restroom to use. Before we knew it, the entire Mardi Gras experience was taken off the bucket list and we started our journey home. By this time my confidence was good and I had no more experiences to remember.   

How New Was It?

Photo from Civil War Cemetery. The
Jessie Hart Collection

 During my transgender journey, I considered each hill I climbed and every blind curve I conquered as being a new part of my life.

Looking back at it now, I wonder how new it really was. Through it all, as I learned from all the ups and downs of transitioning I was just being me. The sad part was how long it took me to arrive at the point of my life when I could put my old male self behind me and move on. It was at once so exciting yet terrifying to put all my male privileges away and explore what a feminine life had to offer.

The more I explored the world, the more I learned much of it wasn't new at all. If you are a believer in reincarnation somehow I felt I had been there before. In other words, my transition to a transgender woman felt so natural. I felt as if I should have always been living this way.  Even though I felt more and more natural, my old unwanted male self still stubbornly hung on thinking he could make a come back and reclaim my life. I even tried to live between the two main binary genders until the stress became to much to bear and I needed to make a decision. Finally I made the right decision to begin hormone replacement therapy and try to adopt a fulltime life as a transgender woman, without any of the major surgeries some trans women undergo. I just didn't feel the need to subject my body to any major gender surgeries seeing as how I was reaching my mid sixties by that time in my life. I considered myself fortunate in that my body was in good enough condition to accept the rigors of the changes I went through. 

Since my main premise through the years was gender was between the ears and sex was between the legs, I opted for more work between the ears. The final straw which broke the camels' back in my transition was when I met my wife Liz going on twelve years ago. Before I met her, I thought the chances of having anyone accept the new me would be nearly impossible. I couldn't believe it when  one day, Liz told me why didn't I just go all the way in my MtF gender transition because she didn't see any male in me at all. At that point I knew somehow I could make it another relationship with another person. Let alone another woman. The concept was very new because my previous two wives accepted the fact I was a transvestite but never adjusted to any of the concept I could be transgender. The unexpected turned into reality. 

From then on, the adjustment was immense as Liz and I needed to learn to live together as I was adjusting to living in a totally new gender. Ironically the easiest part probably was the gender adjustment I needed to make. When my feminine self was finally freed up to live out of the closet, she took to it completely and without reservations. She proved I should have been listening to her all along.  As far as my male self went, he quickly faded into the background and was rarely missed except for situations when I found myself in highly testosterone laden places such as auto shops. In those places, I learned quickly what "man-splaining" was really all about. 

It turned out, completing my gender transition wasn't new at all. I had been working my whole life to do it.

The Most Expensive Holiday

 I wish I wrote this but I didn't:

I will just also add how many transgender veterans took their deep dark gender secret to the grave with them. 

As you enjoy your cookout, just take a second to remember all who made the ultimate sacrifice to insure the fragile freedoms we enjoy. 

In It to Win...A Transgender Life

 

Self Photo from the Jessie
Hart Collection

Once I seriously started to go down the gender path to a total transgender transition, I just had to be in it to win it. 

The question remained what the process would be to win it. Along the way, I had already suffered from (and conquered) a deep sense of feeling selfish. Once I did I made it to the level of impostor syndrome. First, let's deal with all the selfishness I felt as I transitioned. Many of my feelings came from knowing I was nearly single handling wrecking a male life I didn't want anymore. Most importantly it meant destroying a twenty five year relationship I had with a woman I deeply loved but she was completely against living with another woman. I was stuck between the rock and the hard place with no where to go. Life became hell. 

Perhaps the worst part was knowing I was being selfish. Every time I withdrew into my feminine self to escape the world was time I could have spent to make the relationship stronger. Finally, I needed to realize my pursuit to my version of womanhood was selfish and had to be if I was ever going to be successful. Also I needed to define success and what it meant to me. Increasingly, what success meant to me was to feel so natural as a woman. Deep down inside, I knew I was doing the right thing, no matter how selfish it was to do it. I was certainly in it to win it.  But winning it turned out to be far from easy. To be successful, I chose what I referred to as the "stair-step" method of gender transition. Or once I had conquered one step, I could try another. The first example would be when I began to just have confidence in my appearance when I left the house. From there, my basic confidence increased and I advanced to the point where I could navigate the world fairly easily as a transgender woman. 

It was about this time when "impostor syndrome" set in for me. Here I was out in the world and all of a sudden the feeling I was some sort of a secret invader came along to ruin everything for me. To be in it to win it, something else was coming along just to be another obstacle. Finally I was able to conquer impostor syndrome by accepting the woman I was becoming was a part of me all along. I had just become a woman by taking a different path than most cis-women I knew.   Most importantly I learned I could be a winner and achieve my goal.

Ironically, all our transgender lives are so similar yet so unique. Sadly most of us go through  similar bouts of selfishness and/or impostor syndrome and we transition into our authentic gender selves. We all have to succeed in our own ways to be survivors in an ever increasing challenging world.