A Night with Pat's Wife

Now that I got your attention, I have never met Pat's wife.  In fact, I have never met Pat in person either. What I do know is Pat and I share a similar age and path to where we have arrived today. I just made a turn a couple years ago and started a pesky bunch of meds called hormone replacement therapy.

I do hope neither of them dislike the fact I'm speculating what I would learn if I did have a chance to sit down for a one on one with Pat's wife. For simplicity, I'm going to call her Ms. P and I have never attempted a post like this before-so bear with me.  For all I know she has never read Cyrsti's Condo for any number of reasons.  I know my wife considered I never had any bad influences-I was the bad influence.

First and foremost,  Pat's words bring back strong memories of my deceased wife.  If she was still alive and got together with Ms.P,  I can only wonder what they would say about both of us.  I can never be certain, but I think my wife never told any of her friends about my gender struggles.  She never knew any other spouses of cross dressers she could talk to.  I can blame some of that on the age we lived in- with the lack of knowledge and social media.  But I do know my wife thought our problems were our business-only.  I wonder if Ms P was/is like that too?

How would Ms P approach my wife about the obvious with me.  I was on a path which would take me to a closer threshold of femininity than she was comfortable with and the end result was a self destructive behavior which would lead to the end anyhow. (Coming up in a future "Comet" post.)

Would Ms P and my wife discuss how our gender dysphoria was not what they signed up for?  Certainly genetic women are the stronger family types of the binary genders but when is enough enough?  Sure they love us -but...

Or maybe the two would look back and share crazy stories of Pat and I trying to grow as cross dressers and in my case failing miserably.  Is it easy for us to think of them going through all of this with some sort of knowing humor?

Here's what I think my night with Ms. P would be like.  She would want to know about my wife and our relationship and what would have happened if she had lived on and I continued down the path to HRT and a transgender life.  She would also want to know now what my life has become and how I react to it.  Even perhaps, she would ask how Pat and I differ.

All I know is, over my 30 or so years in the cross dressing and transgender worlds, there is precious little feedback from the genetic women who from through no fault of their own, find themselves smack dab in the middle of it.  Ms. P and all you other genetic spouses-I certainly sympathize and would love to totally understand why we are here.  I don't understand it myself.

Finally, the easy stuff-Ms. P I know my hair is way too long for a 65 year old woman but I have waited a half century to grow it and I know- I wear too much eye makeup.  So once we get all that girl talk out of the way, I love your earrings and the night was fun!

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

Life and Diversity Equals Love!

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

The newest "Penis Enlarger" on the market is...a Magnifying Glass!

Retweeted from Qweerty on Twitter

What Would Daniel Boone Say?

If you were asked what the next "Frontier" for human rights was going to be (or is), would you say just peeing in a public restroom? If you face "potty panic" as a transgender woman or transgender man-you might. Often times, the public will give you your gender space until you just have to pee.
We talk about the potty quite a bit around here in Cyrsti's Condo, as we did in my workshop at Trans Ohio and Bobbie was kind enough to further this discussion by sending in this story from the Globe and Mail and the University of Toronto.

Here is an excerpt:

One day this spring a team of volunteers set out to scour the dark recesses of the University of Toronto. Their aim: to catalog and map every public bathroom on the downtown campus.

This was not a bizarre geographer’s quest, but part of a broader trend affecting schools, offices and all manner of public spaces across the country. The humble public toilet is under pressure. Changing times have brought new demands from religious groups, people with disabilities, parents of young children and the elderly, all of whom are pushing for amendments to the traditional architecture of stalls, sinks and urinals.

(It didn't take the) scholars who have studied the way we organize bathrooms to point out to us that it’s sensitive territory. Bathrooms have played a role in major social shifts, from the emergence of women in the public sphere, to racial desegregation to the opening of opportunities for the disabled.

“The toilet [is] a symbol of exclusion or inclusion. Do you provide for people or not?” said Barbara Penner, who teaches architectural history at University College London. “I’ve always thought of bathrooms as a very useful index of status for a variety of social groups.”

Then of course, many in the transgender - cross dresser culture used their ever prevalent male egos to proclaim their success at merely using the women's room was proof of their superiority passing the world as a woman. Even If you are one of the trans nazi's I mentioned above or live deep in your closet-there is something you can do. 

Vote out the socially conservative dinosaurs who won't change the system.

Owning It!

Our "Own it Girl" post here in Cyrsti's Condo, continues to generate incredible feedback from some of you regulars-including some who are considering testing the mainstream waters out of the closet.I am going to try to do my best to wrap your idea's and comments around mine.

The positive part of the internet is the realization many of us are in the same gender transition boat-no matter where we live.  Take Jen's comment for an example and compare it with where I am in Ohio or Shelle is in rural Indiana.  I'm relatively sure both Shelle and I would trade you places to begin stepping out of the closet, but then again, our problems doing it weren't all that different.

Jen wrote:

""I work on Hollywood Blvd, very near the Chinese Theater. 

At least several times a week, as I'm either driving to and from work, or out walking to lunch, I notice transgender / cross dressing people. I know there is at least one trans person working here too and she is totally accepted! 

Some are like the person I mentioned, where they are just being themselves, not concerned about being out in public or passing so well (yes they own it!) Of course some you wouldn't pick out at all unless you're looking closely.

I always get a thrill if I notice someone (hope!). Yes guilty - I'm often looking to see if I can notice anyone, because I'm always trying to find "looks" that might work for me when I'm en-femme. I try not to make it obvious :-)"

You addressed a couple very interesting points Jen!  It's interesting to me how all of us "look" for other "sisters of the cloth." Just yesterday, I posted a comment from Pat on how her and her wife have an easy time picking out obvious cross dressers / trans women (with style issues) from the crowd. I am going to write a whole new post on the subject which should post tomorrow. (Pat's Wife and I)

Jen, rest assured,  when you can get to the point where you are at the least comfortable with who you are, you will "pass" better than you ever imagined.  Look, I know it's tough and I'm not just blowing smoke up your skirt (if you are wearing one), just take baby steps! One suggestion though. Chances are, those trans girls or cross dressers who are navigating a feminine society took their clues from the genetic women of the world!  We all know a genetic woman's life is so multi layered she learns early how to present for each situation- so she can "pass" too.  Examples could be shopping, picking up the kids, or going out on Saturday night. Whatever the scenario, she has to own it too.  When she is "feeling it" the world does too!  As we transition, our problem is "syncing up" how we think we ought to feel with reality.  

My HUGE mistake was Jen, I was viewing myself as a woman based on how a man would-not another woman.

Finally, I would dearly love to visit you out there in Hollywood.  Been around the L.A. area in route to Northern California but that's it.

Maybe we could schedule a Stilettos on Thin Ice book signing there and then go north to Seattle and visit Connie?  That's a bunch o books!!!!

Androgyny-

Too much beauty for one gender!  Androgynous male to female model Van Burnham.  Whose height is listed at 5'9" and weight at 115 lbs.

Van has a web site and offers this brief gender bio:

At this point I really have no idea where or what my gender will evolve into. It seems that the most confusing parts of my life was when my “end gender” was determined, and I was set down one path or another… originally being a boy, and then later transitioning to a woman.  The concept of being androgynous to me is that I don’t have to choose male or female, and that if I do choose one of those in the long term, that the choice wasn’t a choice… but rather something I evolved into.  

I find it empowering to be as open as possible in regards to gender, sexuality and overall outlook on life.  It’s a nice feeling when you put everything out on the table as soon as you meet someone… people feel like that can trust you more when they know all your “secrets,” and thus relationships have a much deeper meaning.  

When Your "Comfort Zone" isn't so "Comfortable" Anymore.

I gave quite a bit of thought to all the activity described in the "Hate" Cyrsti's Condo post yesterday and managed to come up with what I thought was a fairly simple idea:  My old comfort zone as a guy just isn't comfortable anymore.

Back in the day, I could out macho my way through most situations I found my way into-or got myself into with my mouth. I could have stared down the stupid inbred hill jack in the truck. No more.  One reason is-we have talked until we are blue or green in the face here about the effects of HRT and the fact remains I am now the proud owner of an increasingly prominent set of feminine breasts. Sure, I see plenty of guys in my town who could easily fill a "C" or even a "D" cup with their "Moobs" (Man Boobs) but in the wrong t-shirt, mine are distinctly feminine to the point of going in for my first mammogram in a week or so.

So what's my problem (you and I are both asking?)  I still have this thin thread connecting to me to my male past.  The thread is the remnant of the lifeline I carried with me when I was deciding how transgender I was.  When I had a particularly bad day experimenting presenting as a woman in public, I knew my gender line was still there to pull myself back into my "comfort zone."

Now it is the exact opposite.  The only reason the thread is till there at all is I'm lazy and for the very few occasions I need to bring him back.  I'm the supreme procrastinator and if something is not beating me in the noggin (such as gender markers) , I will put them off.  You should have seen the confusion on the front desk girl's face as she checked my driver's license when we got to our hotel for Trans Ohio.  I'm sure she knew I wasn't genetic but when she looked at my ID, .my picture looks very androgynous but has a male gender marker.  The worst part is, Ohio is not a difficult state to get your gender changed on a driver's license (but impossible so far on a birth certificate.) So exactly what is it I'm waiting for?

I guess you can say I am afraid to cut that last thread but not for any of the usual reasons.  I have said I infuriate the gender "purists" who recoil at any retention of anything male as they transition, but that's not me. I'm sure as hell not against using anything from my past to further my future.

Setting aside any of my past though,  the old comfort zone "just ain't what it used to be" and the new one is feeling more and more natural.

"T" Dar?

Pat was kind enough to send in this comment:


I maintain that it is important that as many of us get out and be seen and mingle with the civilian population as possible. At my height and weight and with my decidedly male features I do not fool myself into thinking that I pass. When I do go out I do my best to look my best but I am pretty much the same person regardless of how I am dressed. Every time I encounter someone with an open mind they may learn a little bit about me as a T person, trans folk, CD, guy in a dress, TG, etc. Whether I am dressed as a man or woman I like to think that people do not find me boring. I will engage on any subject and I do make a conscious effort to keep my filter on low.

For now my wife does not like the concept of my being out in a dress and she lives in fear that others will discover my dressing BUT being married to me her T-Dar is higher than other people's and she often will spot other Trans folks. There is one in the next town known as the town tranny. He shows up at parades and festivals. My wife has often discussed this person with her hair dresser who is married to a local cop in that town. This trans person is well like and fully tolerated and sometimes serves as a volunteer assistant for the local PD. My wife and I have both encountered this Trans person and we both think that I present as a more believable and better looking woman. The difference is that this person is out and about all the time and I am not. If I do get to talk with her some day I do need to tell her to try to tone down her safety vest orange or super hot pink nail polish on her fingers and toes. 

There is another T-person who I have never seen but who my wife seems to encounter once or twice a year in the supermarket. She tells me that he is taller than I am in his flats and that his makeup and hair are poorly done but he simply presents as a large guy in a skirt and blouse just going about the mundane task of food shopping.

We are moving forward and need to recognize the baby steps that we take every day as helping pave the way.
Pat

Thanks for the comment Pat!  I believe I may of heard about the person you are referring to and I have a tendency to believe you may have more trans tendencies than the town (Gender Slur). The reason being, you have more insight into the process other than presenting as a caricature of a woman (drag queen).  We all know drag queens are like the old comics in drag and the public knows of their true gender so all is well. Ha ha! Joe thinks it's Halloween year around!

Maybe the person in the market simply "takes for granted" he is what he is in a dress and that's fine but we all know what a little tender loving care can do for one's appearance.  A whole other topic.

Your wife is so much like mine was "back in the day" and we did have a good time with our "T-Dar". Today though, T-Dar could mean transvestite or transgender-a huge difference.  My wife could and did accept it in others but drew the line with me.

Burger Heaven

This post is fun for a couple of different reasons-food and public reactions.

Following the main day Saturday of workshops at the Trans Ohio Symposium, it was time for Liz and I to head on back to our hotel room, take a break and head out for a night on the town in Columbus.

The picture on the left is taken at The Ohio State Student Union with the Buckeye Mascot, Brutus Buckeye.  Of interest to me is how I could tell the effect of HRT is affecting my legs-adding a rounded feminine outer layer of fatty tissue under the skin-  extending up through my hips and rear.

To make sure I didn't slide backwards, I made plans to take Liz to one of the best "burger joints" in the country that night- Thurman's in Columbus, Ohio. Thurman's has been in business since 1942 and does have tremendous hamburgers!  The only problem I ran into was I had to eat them far more femininely (with a fork) than I ever did before.

The really cool part of the visit was how I was received. Past history has told me I should be prepared for any reception from a very chilly one, to at the least a nice one from the staff and the usual rude stares from other customers.  As I have said, Columbus is a very diverse city and Thurman's sits very close to German Village which is known to have a strong gay influence- but- as we know, "gay ain't trans." .  Not only were we made to feel welcome, I felt embraced. It was like Wow! they were honored there was a real live transgender woman there. Really?  The experience was positively wonderful! Also, being in Columbus as compared to Cincinnati, fewer other guests suffered neck injuries straining to look at me. (Sorry "Nati" I love ya' but it's true.)

Finally, as several of you party peeps know here in Cyrsti's Condo, certain foods (such as a great big burger) will set you up for success during an evening of drinking.  Our next stop was to do just that at a place called Club Diversity which I have mentioned here before. The name says it all.  "Diversity" is actually in an old Victorian mansion just south of downtown and is actually part owned by a transgender woman.  If I had to guess, the majority of the clientele is of the gay male type but you can expect a nice mellow mixture of others.  Except when a group of cross dressers who meet there monthly got kicked out for awhile. (Imagine that!)

Fortunately, I live very close to Columbus and have plans to attend TGLBQ Pride with Liz in a couple of months! So a trip back is coming up soon.