Dreams versus Priorities

Image from Marcos Paulo Prado 
on UnSplash

 Seemingly forever, I had the dream of leading a feminine life. 

As I progressed along my bumpy gender journey, slowly but surely I learned perhaps I could achieve my number one dream.  Other guys I knew dreamed of having a great job or a beautiful wife while, all along, all I wanted was to change my gender. It all seemed simple enough except it wasn't. In fact, it proved to be extremely difficult. 

As I lived a reasonably successful male life, it became more and more difficult to just give it up and just walk away. To do it, my dream needed to become a priority. Around this time, was when I entered what I refer to as my second major transition. It was when I went from being a very serious cross dresser to being a transgender woman or going from just wanting to look like a woman, I wanted to be a woman. The entire process seems like semantics it probably is but I was serious and I was led into gender areas I never dreamed of. Primarily when I needed to step up my game from just concentrating on my appearance to needing to learn a whole new form of communication in the world.

I was in shock when I learned how quickly my white male privileges could be swept away leaving me with very little to fall back on. My previous "hit and run" approach to facing the public needed to change if I was going to survive and keep my dream alive. 

For the longest time, I was by myself in the world as a man and a woman. My male self had lost almost all of his friends and family to death leaving him mostly all alone. Plus my trans woman self had not had the chance to establish herself as a person in the world. I was stuck in a gender limbo, until my life started to change for the better as I began to set priorities for myself. Since I really had nothing to lose, I went all out on on-line dating sites which predictably I had very little success with. Partially I think because in those days there were no sites which catered to transgender women who were not fetish items. It was complicated but I went on regular sites under different listings such as everything from woman seeking woman to woman seeking man. After sorting through tons of being being rejected, my wife Liz responded to an ad I ran asking for a woman seeking woman and we have been together ever since.

Destiny at that point intervened more completely in my dreams when my regular trips to straight venues ended up with me meeting two different lesbian women on separate occasions and quickly we became a tight knit small group. My dreams quickly became my priorities at this time of my life because I needed to step my gender game up to learn and understand what the other cis-women in my life were showing me. If they knew it or not. 

When I started gender affirming hormones (HRT) around this time, there was no turning back. I faced an all out priority to live a life I had only dreamed of. For the first time, it was so close I could reach out and touch it. Even though my life turned out to be different than I ever imagined it would be, I still couldn't conceive of living it any other way. My dreams had turned into the priority of allowing my inner feminine soul a chance to live. 

Regrets?

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

I would suppose, similar to anyone who has reached the stage of life I have reached, may have a few regrets.

As far as I am concerned, I don't have many. Along the way, I have been fortunate to have loved and be loved by several different women. Three of which married me. In each of my marriages had their own special ups and downs. One of the regrets I do have was when I needed desperately to be the one who cheated on my first wife so I could marry my second wife. I wasn't proud of being the cheater in the relationship but I see my first wife (and mother of my only child) approximately twice a year and we get along well. We both moved on to other long term relationships which proved out to be for the best. 

I was with my second wife for over twenty five years before she tragically passed away from a massive heart attack. My regrets with her primarily revolved around me not knowing the full reach of my transgender feelings and I ended up dragging (no pun intended) both of us through the gender mess I created as I transitioned. It would have been easier if I had just pulled the band-aid off and just let the dust settle where it may. But I was selfish and still liked part of what I had accomplished as a guy. So much so, I didn't want to let it all go which was a major mistake. One which almost killed me. I would not wish attempting to live convincingly between the two main primary genders on anyone. From day to day, just to get by, I needed to concentrate which gender I was that day. I found myself in some sort of a gender twilight zone trying to figure out daily was I a man or a woman.

I did know I loved being a woman, I loved the clothes and the challenge of facing society daily as my increasingly feminine side. Sadly, as with anything else you love, many problems come with the process. Life at once became exciting and terrifying. I didn't know what I was doing as a novice transgender woman but I learned fast. At the least, I gave myself the latitude to make mistakes and keep discovering a new world. Regrets? Sure, I made many mistakes along the way as I presented myself to the world. Plus I was lucky too when I got away with more than I should ever been able to. The main ones occurred when I went behind my second wife's back to cheat on her. With another woman who happened to be me. I had always thought I was a honest person, so the whole deal proved to be excruciating to me. The more success I felt on one hand felt so natural but at the same time I was cheating on the person I loved.

I suppose everyone has regrets but destiny has softened my challenges I have experienced from the challenging idea I wanted to change my gender. Ironically, it was my third wife (and current one)who came along and saved me from myself in my darkest days. She made me a believer in myself as a person and convinced me I should have live fulltime as a trans woman. She sealed my belief in her when she told me she had only seen the feminine in me. That was over a decade ago and we have never looked back and our relationship remains strong.

It doesn't do much good to have any regrets anyhow. Life moves fast and if you didn't take the opportunity to seize it when you had the chance, it may never come around again. I am just fortunate in I have been blessed with a long life to try not to repeat my mistakes and have regrets. 

Fear of Gender

New Alzheimer's Pride Shirt

I have always thought those who protest too strenuously over the LGBTQ community as a whole or the transgender community in particular are very afraid of their own gender feelings or sexuality.

The whole reality of gender bigots coming out of their shells in public has happened because they have been emboldened by a certain former president and his party supporters. While, at the same time wealthy MAGA financers have made it possible for them to pursue their bigoted goals at the state political levels. My native state of Ohio is a prime example. A fundamentalist Baptist preacher has been leading the charge to erase all transgender care in the state. In response, the state legislature has already passed bills restricting any care for transgender youth under the age of eighteen. To make matters worse, they have plans to try again to expand the bill to all transgender women and men in the state in the future. So far they have failed and the ACLU has promised to take the state to court over it's bills. 

As I put my anger aside for a moment, I paused and wondered what skeletons the Baptist turned politician had against me. Similar to all of the other transgender people I know, we are just trying to lead a quiet life. The better we are at staying out of the public eye, the better. Plus, don't get me started on what I feel about churches who do more than dabble in partisan politics. 

I shouldn't be surprised with a Baptist preacher leading the anti-trans charge here in Ohio since my brother's in laws are all fundamentalist Baptists and he chose them over me when I came out to him. As much as it hurt, I got over it and we have not communicated in over a decade.

All ranting aside, I am a firm believer in the power of gender to transcend and take over any other paranoia a human may have. From birth we largely have our gender chosen for us. Like it or not, using me as an example, I was obviously born a boy or male but I grew up to be a transgender woman. Not completing the gender journey I was assigned would have led me to an early death. It is my opinion, the most oppressive of the gender bigots have a fear of their true selves. They protest too much as many are clutching their crosses while they are doing it. It is tragic when people hate so much. I don't expect the public to understand me  but I don't expect hate either.

I am lucky to live in a fairly liberal part of Ohio, far away from the area where the ultra anti transgender preacher lives. So my activism comes primarily from my writings, my out-reach attempts with groups such as the Alzheimer's Association and participating in Veterans LGBTQ groups. It is essential for me to let them know how urgent the anti-transgender situation is in Ohio. Sadly I can only do a very little to financially support candidates I knew will help our cause. 

I don't suppose I will ever understand why anyone who wants to harm a person in the LGBTQ community because if you are gay and or lesbian you can't think eventually the gender bigots won't come for your rights also. They are using the weaker transgender community as a starting point. Even if you are a cross dresser deep into your closet, you need to consider your gender future and vote accordingly. 

We all need you!