Gender Prison

Image from Denis Oliveria
om UbSplsh

Many transgender women and trans men have spent numerous years in their own gender prisons. Sometimes referred to as closets. 

Unless you have had to spend time in your own prison with the walls closing in all the time, you have no idea of how bad it is. Just another proof being transgender is some sort if a choice. Why would we ever choose to possibly destroy ourselves with our gender issues. It all got to the point with me, I was doing all I could to manifest myself being as feminine as I could. When all along my male self was telling me I couldn't. 

I finally arrived at the point where I was given free time from my gender prison to explore the world as my new self. When I did, most certainly I discovered I wanted more and more free time. I discovered also, I needed a ton of work to prepare myself for freedom. I was not prepared for all the challenges I would have to face as a novice transgender woman. Since I had spent so much time cross dressing in my life, I thought how much harder could it be. I never factored in what my second wife was always trying to tell me, I did not really know much about being a woman and she was not going to do much to help me out of my gender prison. 

When she told me that, I reverted back to working ever harder to understand what she meant. Since I had studied women closely my entire life, I resolved myself to trying to get behind the feminine curtain to learn more. It would take me years to get there since it seemed I was living a life time sentence in my gender prison. Outside of a few varied chances to thrive, my prison seemed to be escape proof. How was I ever able to leave my prison without jeopardizing all the white male privileges I had worked so hard for such as family, friends and employment. It seemed the more I tried to escape, the more the walls closed in on me.

Once I staged my big gender prison break, there was no turning back. I discovered that even though my wife would not help me pull back the feminine gender curtain, other women would and I took advantage of their kindness. Even when I was able to, I found I was still looking over my shoulder for any male prison guards who were chasing me. It turned out, even in heels, I was faster than they were and I managed to outrun my naysayers which mainly was myself. 

With practice in the world, I finally put my prison time behind me and I set out to live my dream life as a fulltime transgender woman. One way or another, I had paid my gender dues for nearly half a century before I had the courage to fully transition. It felt so good to be let out of my gender prison and not have to go back. 

My parole officers turned out to be the women friends I found and cherished as I learned so much from them about living in a feminine world. When I used their input and included it with what my own inner woman was telling me, I was able to make a smooth transition even smoother. Plus, I was able to use my prison time as a powerful motivator of what not to do in the world. Even as a man, I tried to treat women differently than the other men around me. Mainly because I wanted so badly to be one of them. 

In the end, spending all the time in my gender prison did not do much for my life. I spent so much mental energy rebelling against my male world, I often wonder how much farther I could have gone if I had used all my resources. It wasn't to be because I was in my own gender prison and could not find the key.

Transgender Cheating

Image from Club Diversity 
Columbus, Ohio.

 I can safely say, I never cheated with another person during my twenty five year marriage to my second wife.

Before I put myself up on some unneeded pedestal, I have to temper my statement of cheating with saying I only cheated on my wife with one person, who was me. Why I say it is because the more I grew as a transgender woman, the more I grew apart from my wife. When I did, I started increasingly to leave the house as my feminine self to see if I could make it in the world. 

Of course, I did and when I was successful, I wanted more and more and I simply could not turn back into my male world. The more I celebrated my new world, it was done completely away from my wife. Which was a shame. I also define cheating as me going against the basic agreement we made which said I would never leave the house cross dressed as a woman. In fairness to her, she bent over backwards to make it happen. Even to the point of letting me go to a motel a couple times a week, so I could safely cross dress and explore the world. 

Even the motel agreement was not good enough for me. Very soon going out anytime my wife was working became the norm for me. My life suddenly became exciting and way too natural for me to ever return. 

The closest I ever came to really cheating came was with an encounter one night with a lesbian in a venue I was a regular in. She bought me a beer and told me she should take me home with her, which was flattering but scary since I needed to beat my wife home from work. There were a few other times my flirting almost got me into trouble mainly with other women but I never went forward with any personal contact.

Since my wife passed away very unexpectedly at the age of fifty from a massive heart attack, my vow never to cheat remained secure. Even my male self managed to never pursue any of the impossibly attractive servers he hired in his restaurants he ran. I was very proud of all of it but never was I proud of needing to lie and try to tell my wife to her face I was not going out on her with another woman. Which happened to be me. If I would have been truthful with both of us, I would left my male self behind long ago and set out to live a feminine one as a transgender woman. I was selfish and wanted to try to preserve what I had earned as a guy. The upside came when my girl self had been put into a brief submission and I enjoyed my time with my life more deeply. The downside came when the friction between my gender issues made my life nearly unbearable. 

I guess, deep down I knew my wife was ill and for the six months before she passed, I grew a beard and purged some of my feminine wardrobe. The final six were some of the most miserable I had ever faced but little did I know, it was going to get much worse before it was going to get better. Basically, through death and loss, the only strong influence on my life I had left came from my feminine self. She wrapped me in her soft arms and let me know everything was going to be alright. Her influence and my overall belief in what was right, tiding me over until my current wife Liz came into my life and reaffirmed my idea I was stubborn enough to live through my issues. Liz told me all she had ever seen in me was female and it was all it took for me to go wholeheartedly into doing away with my male self. 

I will forever be proud of the time I spent being faithful as my male self to my second wife and, on the other hand, be totally ashamed of myself of how my feminine self handled her life with my wife. Non unlike two strong women locked in a struggle. 

My excuse is I was learning my new life as a transgender woman and until I fully understood it, I was petrified of moving along.

   

Bridging the Gender Gap

 

Image from Samuel Reagan Asante
on UnSplash

It is a dirty job but someone has to do it, right? We transgender women and trans men are in a unique position to be the only go between both of the primary genders and make a difference. If society and politicians let us.

I did not set out to write another post criticizing a certain political party in my state of Ohio  which is trying to do away with all transgender rights. You all know where I stand. Instead what I am writing about is singing the praises of acquiring deeper gender knowledge. Very few humans ever get the chance to journey across the gender border and see how the other half lives. 

Interestingly, there were times I was asked for my feelings about how another woman's spouse or boyfriend was feeling towards her. Women are more intuitive than men and were seeking out my ideas because they knew I at one time, had occupied the male world. I was filling a void they could not find anywhere else. 

Even still, bridging the gender gap was exceedingly difficult. There were so many things to learn about how the genders interacted with each other to survive in the world. In addition, I needed to adjust to being the pursued gender rather than the pursuer was all I thought it would be. I grew up with the idea girls or women had it easier because they did not have to go through the torment of finding dates, right into deciding what was the right date for me. That is if I was ever asked. Which was not often since I was mostly rejected by men. The feeling was mutual because I did not feel any particular attraction to them anyhow. Especially so when I was accepted into a group of lesbians who showed me my validation in the world did not involve men anyhow. 

My new friends taught me how to bridge the gap and learned so much from them while I did it. I was raising the bar in my life without, for the most part, realizing I was doing it. It was difficult learning to walk the walk and talk the talk as a transgender woman but slowly I managed to do it. I think now my major success came from the point I was finally putting my gender picture together. I was no longer a one man show, I was a one woman show. I could see my gender dream was possible following years of denial and struggle. 

Looking off the gender bridge proved not to be so intimidating any more. Even though I was still afraid of heights, I learned my gender issues did not involve heights at all. It was more a matter of me keeping my feet on the ground. 

Once I did, being able to help anyone else with understanding gender issues was a huge plus. Paying life forward for me has always been a powerful motivator. Plus, being able to shine a light on the gender differences between genders is not something to be feared. The differences should be embraced and celebrated. Including those of us who have been fortunate enough to have the chance to experience both sides of the binary genders. Even though, for me at least, all the down times and bumps in the road I experienced did not feel so good at the time. 

If I could tell my young self one important fact, it would be to relax, learn as much as I can and know I would be successful in the end and bridge the gender gap. Plus, if I stopped building unneeded bridges to climb and jump off of, I would be so much better off.

Trans Weariness

A night out with my wife Liz on left.

Over the span of my life, I have gone through more than a few bouts of weariness.

I was especially tired of being made fun of when it took me many trips to the clothing stores to finally find the correct fashion so I could blend in with other women well enough to get by. Marching to the beat of my own fashion drum was certainly not getting the results I wanted. It got so bad, strangers were stopping me in stores to ask for pictures and not in a good way.

I kept working through all the dark days until the gender clouds parted and I could actually see glimpses of my authentic feminine self. The whole process now happily seems so far away but the process still scars me in so many ways. Especially all the times, I came home in tears following being laughed at after my mirror had lied to me and told me I was an amazing woman. It took me years of work to prove the doubters wrong and I could actually live a successful life as a transgender woman. My biggest problem came from the fact my biggest doubter was my male self. I grew so weary of him telling me I could never live my dream life as a trans woman. 

In many ways too, I grew weary of being a cross dresser and wanted more out of life. It took me trying several terrifying experiences in public to change my mindset around into who I really was. I was right when I was so young when I thought I wanted more than to just look like a woman, I wanted to be a woman. My problem was, life kept getting in my way. Through my formative years of high school and beyond, I had the very real threat of being drafted into the military hanging over my head. Most certainly, I would have a three year break in my quest to determine my gender needs. I was more fortunate than many my age and escaped combat in Vietnam and even got away with coming out for the first time to a few close Army friends after a Halloween party when I told them I was a transvestite. Coming out was an enlightening experience until I was out of the Army and attempted to come out to my Mom. I was roundly rejected and ended back up firmly in my closet. 

In those days, Halloween parties were my salvation from the weariness I felt from everyday male life. Even though they were few and far between, the parties allowed me to get out of the house and interact with the world as a very novice cross dresser or transgender woman. I was able to learn the basics of what I would need to do to survive in a new world I was considering trying. From the Halloween parties I was able to find and participate in transvestite mixers in nearby towns to where I lived. At the social events, I was able to see and interact with others in the cross dressing community so I could judge where I was at and where I wanted to go. When I did, life became less wearisome and I had an exciting reason to look ahead at my next feminine adventure. 

By this time, I was ready to come out of my unwanted male world even further and I was learning so much life took on a new meaning. I learned what transgender meant to me and how I fit in in the trans world which had many layers to it. More than a few of the layers were less than positive and I began to ignore them or called them "trans Nazi's" and rapidly moved on. Basically, they were the people who held their self esteem above others due to the number of gender surgeries they had undergone. Since I had not (and never have) undergone any genital realignment surgeries, they assumed they were better than me. Rejection was quick on my part.

Weariness ceased to be a problem when everytime I went out into the world as a transgender woman I was learning something new. It could be something small such as a fashion error all the way to a huge learning experience of losing my male privilege in personal safety. When I almost ended up hurt. From it all, I ended up learning and doing better.

I guess I should say too, how much my life changed when I started gender affirming hormones. Weariness with my old male self certainly went away as all the changes were different, surprising and rapid. 

Life became like a roller coaster. Once I reached the top and headed down, it was thrilling.

 

Unexpected Reunion

Image from Mickael Gresset on UnSplash

Recently, I experienced a fun unexpected reunion. 

I really don't get out much to test the world as a transgender woman anymore and when I do, normally my wife Liz is with me to run interference with the public. At the worst, people think we are two lesbians. Yesterday, Liz had to work and I was left to run errands on my own. I was not going anywhere spectacular so I went with a simple wardrobe of t-shirt and leggings. Since I was only going to be seen from my car in drive throughs, I did make sure to apply a light coat of foundation and lipstick. My hair as always was a challenge. It has a mind of it's own and yesterday it was a wonderful long wavy hairstyle just waiting to be loosely pulled back to face the public. My goal is to have a style which loosely flows over my shoulders and around my face. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not so much. My hair is the only part of my image which is not age appropriate but I don't care because I went so long in my life being forced into having very short hair. 

My main challenge yesterday was when I needed to take our car to the oil change place we always go to. Making the change into male dominated spaces for some reason has always intimidated me after I transitioned into a feminine world. Perhaps it is because I know from my male past, how some men try to take advantage of women in work situations. I hate to be perceived as a weak woman but on the other hand, it is nice to be thought of as a woman at all. As I wrote, it has been awhile since I had been out on my own and I did not know what to expect when I went to the oil change place. I only knew it would have been nice to experience a reunion with my feminine self being accepted in public.

It turned out, all my fears were unfounded when I was called Ma'am at least four times during my visit. By that time my reunion was real and I felt empowered to finish the rest of my errands. On top of my initial success, all my other stops were easy by comparison. When I safely returned home, I could finally bask in the glow of my gender reunion as well as all the resultant gender euphoria. I should write also, I am spoiled at home by Liz because she has always thought of me as a woman, so I don't have to work as hard on my authentic self. 

Coming up, I have another challenge of sorts when I attend the LGBTQ support group session at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Hospital. In the past, I have attended several others of these sessions which were met with mixed success. I think mainly because of the problem of trying to mix gay and lesbian attendees in with transgender ones. The path to understand each other was simply too great. Especially when the group was not blessed with trans women who were more quiet in their criticism of society as a whole and the VA as an entity. Sure the VA could do more for the transgender veteran but they could do a lot less also. Support in my book has to do with helping those around me more than baseless complaining about things the moderator has nothing to do with.

One way or another, I will see how it goes and since I am retired and not doing much else, why should not I take the time to attend. My experience has told me to hope for the best and expect less and maybe I will encounter someone who I can help. Or, another unexpected reunion.

While I am on the subject of things which are coming up, I need to schedule my annual mammogram and take care of an upcoming dermatology appointment at the VA here in Cincinnati. I have a  growth on my face they want to take a look at. Naturally I hope it is nothing serious and the mammogram I need because of my maternal grandmother passing away from breast cancer. I consider the process as a rite of passage into the female world for me. 

At my age, medical appointments seem to be taking over. I am just hoping for no unexpected medical reunions and more social ones. The reunions where I am one on one with the world and come out as successful. Enabling me to want to be more active again. Plus the fall season is right around the corner. It has always been my favorite time of year and it is time to go through my wardrobe to see what stays and what goes. Who knows, I may have some more unexpected reunions coming up.

Trans Girl in a Beer Garden

Image from Igor Omilaev

Following moving in with my future wife Liz in a Cincinnati, Ohio suburb, I went through another unexpected transition. 

When I moved, I threw out all my male clothes and started living full time as a transgender woman and I still had my very small circle of friends who had ever known anything about my male self. What I ran into next was being accepted into Liz's circle of friends. Sure I was scared or terrified to meet them all, I had no choice to hitch up my big girl panties and go with it. Long story short, I survived and most of the group seemed to accept me with open arms. What it all did was add another layer of acquaintances to my transgender journey. 

Then the group began having Halloween Witches Balls in the metro Cincinnati area and Liz and I became organizers of the big party. By doing so, we needed to help select the annual venues. It just so happened, several of the potential venues were owned by brew-pubs in the area. In order to check out the venues, we (or I in particular) had to check out the craft beer. Through it all, I enjoyed myself immensely. One venue I remember in particular was in a retired huge old church and the second was a second floor area which featured an outdoor on street beer garden of sorts. After we looked at the party venue, we were able to find a table outside and enjoy a couple of their beers. Even though the brew was wonderful, the company was better. I was able to relax, not attract any undue attention and watch the world interact around me. As a relatively new transgender woman, it was the first time in my life I could live as a free person. 

From this point forward, I knew I was included in the group and had added another layer of gender transition to my life. I already know how much I enjoyed beer gardens from my days in Germany, so I was just combining the two for more success. Plus, for the first time, I was on the feminine side of life so I would not have to be envious of all the women around me. Now, since I drink so much less, experiencing an outdoor beer garden is a rarity. Fall, is not so far away and I hope I can experience several Cincinnati October fests to celebrate a big birthday I have coming up. Cincinnati is a heavily German heritage town and has some fantastic fests to experience along with the fall weather. 

Perhaps, it will be a great time for this transgender girl to experience more time in a beer garden. 

Never Going Back

Archive image. Liz on left.

Once I started down the road to living my dream as a transgender woman, I found I could never go back.

I am sure it all started the first time I viewed myself in my Mom's clothes and makeup in the mirror so many years ago. All I knew was something clicked inside me and I enjoyed the process immensely and couldn't wait to do it again. Going back to my male self became increasingly difficult. 

It stayed a problem the older I became as I began to be better with the makeup and fashion choices I could find. I even went as far as shaving my legs when I was young to get rid of the hated hair which came along with my unwanted puberty into a testosterone poisoned body. Still I persisted living a secret yet powerful life in the mirror as a girl. Through my often clownish makeup, I could still see my authentic feminine self peeking at me and I loved her. 

Over the years, practice made perfect and in many ways I was able to cover up my male body and present well enough as a woman to try out the world. Even though I took many bumps and bruises along the way, I persisted and small victories helped me to want to never return to the male life I never really wanted. Every now and then I was able to be successful in the world as a novice cross dresser. Still not understanding I was so much more than wanting to just look like a woman. I wanted to be a woman. Cross dressing was a welcome bridge to getting me to the big picture of my life, my desire to be a trans woman. Once I came to the point of wondering just where I fit in with my big picture in life, then I needed to see if I could make all the needed sacrifices to get there. All of my "secret" adventures as a transgender woman could cost me all I had worked so hard on in my male life. If discovered, I could lose my marriage, family, friends and jobs. As you can tell, a lot to be considered.  

During that time, destiny kept setting in and deep down kept telling me I could achieve my ultimate gender dream. Every blind corner I turned and every step I climbed on my path was showing me the way as I carved out a new life as a transgender woman. All of a sudden, my doubts started to disappear I was succeeding more and more when I sought to flip my male life to female. I even began to go to the same venues I went to as a guy with little to no problems. When I did, deep down I was terrified of losing my life as I knew it but on the other hand, I knew I was never going back. There was no way.

By the time I decided I was never going back, my decision was made so much easier by several things. Including unconditional acceptance by my daughter, the very few friends I had passing away and not having a job to worry about (since I was able to retire) made my decision so much easier. Even my very stubborn old male self could see no future and he faded away as I took the final steps to completing my gender transition. I even was able to solve my marital situation the hard way when my un-approving second wife passed away and I unexpectedly became involved with a very supportive third wife who loves me for who I am. 

I believe pushing forward and never quitting was something I learned from my parents. I am sure they would have never envisioned their teachings turning out this way with me.

Stuck on Me

 

Image from Monika Kozub'
on UnSplash

My second wife used to be fond of telling me, my gender issues were all about me.

Looking back, I think she was right. In so many ways I was single handily attempting to cross the gender frontier with no help from anyone else, including hers. Among many other things, she just did not care for my inner feminine self. She always called me the "pretty, pretty princess." Even though the comment always hurt my feelings, I knew I was too immersed in my appearance and then lacked the actual experiences in the life of a woman to prove her wrong. Plus, I was selfish in my pursuit of a better feminine cross dressed experience. Not to say very frustrated when I was only getting out into the world very infrequently to explore and learn to explore what she was talking about. Just going out on Halloween and very infrequent transvestite mixers was not enough to relieve my gender tension or dysphoria. 

Since she passed several years ago, I will never know for sure but I think she never did want me to survive as a transgender woman and return to my full-time male self. I know I came off as being selfish and I was. I couldn't wait for the next time I could cross dress as my authentic self who at the time was really learning how an intense a time it was going to be. It was an incredible time in my life of learning and I was extremely disappointed my wife could not or would not come along. On the other hand I understood when she told me she never signed up to live with another woman, which I could not disagree with. I was stuck between my transgender rock and the hard place many trans people find themselves in. Either discontinue my gender journey I was on to become a transgender woman or at the same time I give up on my twenty five year marriage.  To a woman I loved very much. 

Along the way, I learned I was so much more than the "pretty, pretty princess." I am sure if my wife had lived, sooner or later I would have had to follow my true gender path and we would have needed to separate. My fondest desire is we still could have remained friends and she would have liked the new feminine person I became. After I paid my dues.  As it was, when she passed so unexpectedly, she left me on my own. Which meant relying on the gender basics I had come to trust over the years. It was then, there was nothing holding me back to going forward towards a gender transition. Even as stubborn as my male self was, he finally gave up the effort to maintain his place in the world.

So once again I was stuck on me and this time, it was the true me. The me I always dreamed of becoming with the help of my wife Liz and other lesbian women friends I had made. When I gave of myself, they gave it back to me. So, in many ways, I was stuck on them. There was no more princess in my future. I had paid my dues and applied to play in the girls' sandbox. Even though there were plenty of times I had sand thrown at me or suffered claw marks, I survived and earned my right to be there. At my age (sixty-ish), I thought I was too old to start over again but found out I was not. 

Through the miracle of gender affirming hormones and life experiences, I was able to reboot my life and live a dream I never thought possible. I guess you could say I became stuck on life. The princess was gone and she was replaced by a secure public transgender woman. Buh-bye!

Procrastination

From the archives.
JJ Hart

I am well versed in most areas of procrastination. 

After all, I have spent most of my long life procrastinating as a transgender woman. Recently, I received the inevitable question of why I waited so long in my life to finally tackle my gender issues and transition. Even my daughter who has displayed the ultimate in acceptance in my transition over the years (and has a transgender child) shyly questioned me one day about if I had always known I was trans. With very little thought, I answered I had always known but I did not tell her how long I procrastinated doing anything about it.

One of my excuses has been times change over the years and the late fifties and early to mid sixties were dark times for anyone with gender issues. In fact, I remember the stories I saw about the police rounding up any transvestite or gay men in paddy wagons and taken to jail in the pre-Stonewall revolutions in New York City. So, when I included a very non accepting family life, the period of time was not a good time for me to outwardly explore any gender issues. 

Another excuse I had for procrastinating my coming out and living as my authentic self for so long was I lived in the pre-internet dark ages. In fact, my wife Liz and I went shopping for a new computer for her. Long story short, I was intimidated and totally lost in the whole process, I faded into the background. Liz needed a specific type of computer for her art business and had researched the whole computer situation. The only thing I could do was later on compare her research to mine when it came to me even considering I was transgender. Plus I was pleased when the clerk, checking Liz out referred to me as "she".

As times changed and more and more information concerning gender issues became available, I changed too. But not to the point I was ready to accept the fact I wanted to do more than just look like a woman, a part of me was screaming I was a woman. Now I know some would argue there is no way I will ever be a woman and I argue back my mind tells me I am even though in between my legs tells me I am not. Even though I could not experience periods or being pregnant, I went through so many things cis woman could never conceive of doing. Even so, I still went against my inner feelings and procrastinated again and again that I was indeed transgender. 

Deep down, I knew the truth but kept putting off the fact I was trans and letting the pressure build on myself. Finally when I went out into the world, I knew I wasn't trying to fool anyone. I was just being myself. When I couldn't lie to myself any longer, on a magical evening I will never forget I faced an internal mirror and decided who was looking back at me. No longer was I am a victim of the world and I was done procrastinating. From that point forward, I decided to go all the way and move forward to explore my full potential as a transgender woman. Major moves were ahead and exciting yet terrifying such as the major impact of adding gender affirming hormones to my system. 

It wasn't until I was truthful to myself and decided to follow a feminine path which I should have followed years ago did I become happier than I ever thought possible. My mental health improved and I got off almost all of the alcohol I was so fond of. Procrastination was behind me and just do it became my theme. 

The Ultimate Gender Grab

Image from the author, 
JJ Hart.

In many ways, this is an extension of yesterday's post which partially examined my transition from my male self into a feminine world. 

Along the way, there needed to be an ultimate gender grab to be successful. Very early on, the desire to view my image in the mirror was the fun part. I struggled to dream high and stay grounded with my gender desires which always threatened to change my life for the worse if anyone discovered my secret life in dresses and hose. I found I needed to reach out quickly and grab on any small amount of unattended time to cross dress away from my male self into my authentic transgender self. 

Sadly, my male self and society kept trying to grab my gender reality away from me. Some of it was my fault early on with how I presented myself in public. I found any edge I gave the public to "discover" me often led to a bad reaction. Serious side effects included my fragile novice transgender confidence being shattered. When it all happened, it took me weeks or even months to try again to grab my true gender back from the world. 

At that point, all the pushing and grabbing became almost too much to bear and I resorted to therapy to shore up my frail mental health. Plus, I fell back on a high level of alcohol abuse. When I went out to venues to see if I could make it as a woman, invariably I appreciated the false sense of bravery the alcohol gave me. The only positive came when I discovered other women friends in the venues I went to and they helped me to make a giant feminine gender grab which helped me towards my dream. All of a sudden, actually living as a transgender woman became a reality. The need for alcohol faded away.

The grab became so close, my male self panicked and did his best to hang on to all the work he had put into my old life. My feminine self came to the rescue and grabbed back her share of my life and ultimately won the war, even though she had lost all those battles over the years. Amazingly, all the battle scars she had sustained were easy to heal. She was saying, she had been there and done it as a subservient second fiddle to my male self and had enough of the lies. She thrived under the new life she had inherited and grabbed back all of the gender privileges she had only dreamed of. Better yet, she didn't care what the public thought of her and her confidence soared. 

It's no secret to anyone how the final gender grab would end up with me. My trans woman over achieved to an extent I never thought possible. When I was able to set back and trust her to run the show, the future was secure.   

 

Gender Black-Mail

Image from JJ Hart, Ohio River
in background.

 Even though I have been living as a transgender woman for over a decade of my life now, my male past still comes back to haunt me. 

I suppose I am expecting too much from my gender transition since I spent such a long period of my life trying desperately to fit in with a male world I did not really want any part of. Recently, sadly an acquaintance of mine who was a fellow DJ on a local radio station passed from cancer. When I learned, memories flowed in including good ones and those not so good. One of the more interesting memories I have was of the time his wife (also deceased) told me about a new DJ at the station I used to work at who actually was starting her gender transition. I was surprised she had a fairly positive reaction to the gender issues so long ago. Way before the term transgender was popularized. Why I am mentioning it at all is it always amazes me what I remember or don't remember from my male past.

As I moved closer and closer to crossing the gender border, it seemed my old male self had an unfair advantage over me because he always mentally pointed out the good times there were when I was a guy. It was similar to gender black-mail. He would always say what about all the good times I had with guy friends when we were out partying. Essentially, overuse of alcohol allowed me to forget about my gender dysphoria for awhile and I could have a good time for the wrong reasons.

In addition, it was so so easy to fall back into my old male patterns and enjoy all the privileges I had earned from surviving as a man. When I transitioned into a feminine world, losing those privileges made a significant impact in my life. It seemed at the time, when I encountered most men, single or in a group, they held it against me that I had left the male club for greener gender pastures. Their way of black-mailing me was to shun me from any or all contact. At that point, their resistance just showed me I was on the correct gender path and I was more and more encouraged to try to advance to my dream.

Another facet I mention often is how my second wife and my male self enjoyed ganging up on my novice transgender self. My wife in very begrudgingly situations would let me go out with her as my authentic self. Predictably, she didn't like me no matter what I did and when she was mad at me would say I didn't know anything about being a woman. I equate it to applying for a job you have no experience in and the company won't hire you because you have no experience but won't allow you to gain any. I was learning the hard way, she would not help me to go behind the gender curtain to women only spaces. It would take me years to earn the respect or right of other women to play in their sandbox. Even if I was getting sand thrown in my face. 

It was obvious at the time, I was experiencing gender black- mail from many women also. I was too much of a woman to be accepted by men anymore and still too much of a man to be accepted by many women. Eventually, I solved the problem by keeping pushing forward towards my feminine dreams. It was very difficult to stay laser focused on my goal when I was still trying to maintain a life in both of the binary genders. So before I totally destroyed myself, one had to go. At the time, I compared where I was at to standing at the precipice of a very steep cliff and fearfully looking over the side. When I could not take it any longer, I took a long time to consider my gender options and came to one conclusion. I had always been living a lie as a man and no matter how much black-mail I had to put up with, I knew which path to take and I jumped. 

The path took me to gender affirming hormones and I never looked back. I knew I had made the right choice when I felt so natural and satisfied with my life. It turned out the only real black-mailer in my life was myself.