Happy Mom's Day

 I was going to be lazy today and simply reuse one of my former Mother's Day posts. Then I began to consider how my thoughts about my Mom have changed over the years. 

As I grew up, I did have a vague understanding of the difficult journey my Mom went through before she finally was successful in birthing me. She went through three still births that I know of before I came along. It turned out I was the first of two boys as my brother was born two years later.

As the years went by, it was increasingly obvious I not only resembled my Mom, we had the same personalities. 

None of this meant I was ever allowed to show any sort of a feminine side with her. I had to be a study from afar when it came to secretly watching her put make up on all the way to her mannerisms. 

It took me a long time to attempt to come out to my Mom. For some unknown reason I was able to successfully hide my stash of girls clothes and makeup I had acquired over the years from her. Or, as I have considered also she had decided to ignore my desire to dress as a girl simply as a phase. Of course we all know it all turned out to be much more than a phase, it turned out to be my life.

It took me until my Army days to begin to accept my authentic transgender self. In fact, way before there was even a term for it. In those days, I referred to myself as a transvestite and became brave enough to come out to a small group of very close friends following a Halloween party when I showed up as a woman. It was such an enlightening experience for me that I ignored the potential disaster which could have come to me if my superiors had found out. 

The whole process emboldened me to come out to my Mom once I was discharged from the military. One night after a hard evening of partying she was still up when I returned home. All too soon the topic somehow turned to my time in the service. Before long I told her the truth, I was a transvestite and I had felt so much better. The entire process was similar to a huge weight being taken off my shoulders. Somehow I was naïve and expected the same result from her.

What I received in return was she was in shock and disapproved to the point she offered to put me through therapy. Electro shock as I remember. Of course I not so politely refused and the topic was never brought up again the rest of her life.

I used to deeply resent her for her feelings but over the years I have mellowed after I considered the sacrifices she went through to bring me into the world. Age also helped me to understand many topics we clashed about were simply because we were so similar. Along the way she taught me important lessons such as determination and reliability. 

When I set out to legally change my name, I decided to adopt her name as my new middle name not so much to honor her but to show her in the end I had won my battle to live a feminine life as a full time transgender woman.  Now I feel even that idea has changed.

I'm glad I adopted her name now and view the whole process as honoring her. Thanks Mom! Of course she has long since passed on, so this is the best I can do. I hope your Mom is still with you and accepts your reality.

Friday's and the Transgender Woman

Many of you know I have a history degree and consider myself an amateur historian of sorts. Along the way I have developed a deep respect of the historical past being able to predict the future. Somewhat similar to building blocks.

Many of you also know I have written several times about what I consider to be my first night out or history as a transgender woman, rather than as a cross dresser. The difference to me was, it was the first time in my life I was getting the chance to see if I could actually exist in a feminine world. If I was successful I felt I could actually move forward with my dream of living full time. 

In order to try, first I needed a venue to try it in. I had unsuccessfully tried in a number of gay venues and discovered I was only being viewed as yet another drag queen. Far from my goal of being seen at the least as a transgender woman. During the same period of time, a chain of casual bar/restaurants was being invented in NYC and Texas. They were called Friday's and were nearly the first to welcome, attract and serve single women. Before Friday's all bars were essentially were for men only. 

I came up with this information from a television show on food service on the "History Channel". I was instantly attracted from two angles. The second being I built a thirty plus year as a manager in the commercial food business. I ended up working everything from fast food to large casual dining food

operations. The first (and most important) reason was a Fridays in the Dayton, Ohio area was where I first went to see if I could be successful in blending in with and living as a single woman. In this instance, blending in with other women just getting off work from a neighboring up scale mall.

By now, you may recognize how the rest of the experience played out that night. Even though I was scared to death, I did my best to dress in feminine professional attire to blend in with all the other cis-women I knew would be frequenting the venue a little later from when I arrived. To this day I remember the black pants suit, flats and shoulder length blond wig I wore for the evening.

From my experience working in similar concepts, I knew once I made it past the hostess stand and to the bar, I stood a fairly good chance of being served and hopefully accepted. 

To make a long post relatively shorter, I was accepted. I wasn't laughed at by anyone and even though as terrified as I was, I was able to drink two drinks before I made my escape. Most importantly I was still afraid because deep down I knew I had touched a nerve and could possibly live my ultimate dream...a life in a feminine world. I loved it!

Of course Fridays went on to spawn a whole genre of spin offs.  But I will forever be grateful to one of the originals which helped me on my way to a life as my authentic self.

Transgender Health Care

 Another potential problem we face as transgender women and men is finding and using quality health care. I read too many experiences from trans women in particular I know who ran into  problems with doctors. Specifically, the docs were dragging their feet with treating transgender issues such as hormones.

Fortunately,  we have a relatively larger medical entity in our area which is dedicated to helping transgender patients with their health care. They are doing a wonderful job helping those in need with their health care.

As most of you may know, I am a trans veteran who receives health care through the Veteran's Administration system. Years ago during a time of great need I needed to take advantage of nearly free benefits which were available. It turned out to be one of the better choices I had ever made in my life. It was so long ago, I was still in a state of shock over my wife's death and was even way before I embarked on my hormone replacement therapy. My therapist at the time (and still is) was instrumental in helping me start HRT. 

National Cancer Institute from Unsplash 

Back in the day, as the world was catching up to what a transgender person even was I found myself educating every medical person I encountered at the VA. To be fair, none were really negative with me but just didn't seem to know very much. Plus, during those years the Dayton, Ohio VA was conducting transgender seminars with their staff educating them to our needs. 

The point of this post is tomorrow I get to break in a new primary provider. A primary provider in the VA is the equivalent to a person's family doctor in the civilian world. The only thing I know about her is her gender which I definitely prefer. For some reason I have always felt better seeing female physicians and nurse practitioners. Maybe it goes back years ago to the one male doctor I had who always wanted to see my breasts as an "educational" exercise to the residents following him around. Whatever his intentions were, since that time I have always liked female medical people better. 

Looking forward to tomorrow, I don't see any potential problems coming up. In fact, now I can have my endocrinologist blood work done at the VA clinic closest to where I live and not have to drive nearly an hour north to have them done. To be fair, it was my fault because I wanted to keep the Endo doc I had in Dayton and not transfer everything to Cincinnati. Now though, the VA computers have caught up to extent where Dayton can read Cincinnati results. So my blood work tomorrow will be checking my all important estrogen (estradiol) and testosterone levels.

I hope no matter where you are you have been able to locate and take advantage of quality transgender health care. If you can't, my suggestion would be to contact your local LGBTQ center for available resources. I know too not all VA centers are created equal and hopefully your overall experience has been as positive as mine. 

All of us deserve quality transgender health care to help us down our journeys to our authentic selves. 

Voting Day

Tuesday was election day here in Ohio. We only voted on our own party's candidates. Some of them at least. Ohio is mired in a court ordered voter district gerrymandering case. In this state the Republicans for years have attempted (and succeeded) in carving the state into often ridiculous districts which benefit the Republican candidate. An example continues to happen in a nearby congressional district to where we live in the metro Cincinnati area. The voting lines were drawn years ago to benefit a conservative Republikkan candidate and to insure the more liberal Democratic candidate lost. It worked but so far the state supreme court has ordered the conservative repug legislature to draw new districts. 

By now you may be asking what does this mean to the average transgender or even cross dressing person. Actually, it means quite a bit, especially in today's world where our rights are being threatened as never before. I am sure by now you have heard or read about the Supreme Courts' leaked document stating they were leaning towards striking down the Roe vs Wade anti abortion ruling. No matter how you feel about abortion, it doesn't take a visionary to figure out that after the conservatives have come after abortion, LGBT rights are next. All of a sudden, all of those comfortable cis gay or lesbian people need to rethink their stance on the Transgender in the often shredded LGBT alliance. We are much stronger together. 

If you are deep in your closet and need to make a statement in private, voting can still do it. Think of it this way, even though you are in the closet today does not mean you will be stuck there forever. Someday you may need the rights a conservative court or politician took away.

All right. Enough of my rant on voting. On the positive side, voting to me brings back extra memories of the first time I voted as my authentic self. In order to vote here in Ohio you need to present a state issued identification card with a picture. In my case a driver's license. I will never forget the pride I felt when I showed them my I.D. complete with my new legal name and gender changed to the magical "F" for female. 

It's been nearly five years ago since I was able to change most all of my legal markers here in Ohio except my birth certificate which I have been putting off. 

For any number of reasons, voting still gives me a huge sense of satisfaction. Hopefully I can help the LGBTQ cause anyway I can.

Transgender Desperation

 I believe during our gender journeys we have all experienced a form of desperation. The forms can take many different directions. From how we look as our authentic selves all the way to jobs and family acceptance.

A good example comes from a comment from Emma through "Medium" :

"I described how I felt shopping in my first year on HRT as like being a 14 year old girl with a credit card at her first shopping mall. Thank God I have tempered over time. I still have money left in my pension plan."

So true! Thanks!! I remember the often frenetic shopping trips I took when I first became very serious about living in a feminine world. Often it was the only time I could receive positive feedback on my appearance. Although, deep down I guessed the friendly store clerks were mainly interested in my money. Through it all I was desperate for next outfit which would be the one of my dreams. It was hit or miss until I finally was brave enough to try outfits on in the store  and have an understanding of the sizes which worked with my male figure I was trying to work with. 

Photo from Yasin Yusef on UnSplash

During most of this time I dealt with what seemed like an insurmountable amount of desperation and gender dysphoria. All I really knew was I was dealing with a male body while I was attempting to appear feminine. It took awhile but finally I got it through my thick noggin that sooner more than later I was going to have to take the steps other cis women were taking to improve their appearance. Two examples were diet and skin care. Relatively quickly I was able to shed twenty five pounds and began a daily cleansing/moisturizing routine I use to this day. None of it was easy but so worth it in the long run. 

Ironically, the more success I had with my outward feminine appearance the more desperate I was to leave the mirror behind and explore a feminine world outside of my closet. At times the pressure was intense as I was sure any discovery of my dark secret would lead to the collapse of my male house of cards. Built so carefully to maintain an image that wasn't the true me. 

The more success I found, the more humor I felt when I heard someone call being transgender a choice, a phase or a fetish. Here I was just wanting to live my authentic life as a transgender woman in my own feminine world. It was about this time extreme desperation set in and I attempted extreme self harm. Luckily I failed and went on to begin hormone replacement therapy and add another layer of satisfaction to my life. It felt so good when I began to sync up my feminine internal self with how the world really saw me. 

It was only then when it seemed like a huge weight was taken off my shoulders. My transgender desperation was on the decline and life was good again. 

In the Passing Lane

 Today I went through more old posts from last year and came up with this one from early 2021. It seems this topic never gets old in the  transgender and or cross dressing communities. After all, the importance of  syncing up our internal and external selves can never be understated.  At the least, it gives us the confidence to leave our dark gender closets and go forth in the world as our authentic selves.  This post includes a comment from Connie:

" I do agree that, for me, "blending in" is not really my desired goal. I had always been pretty quiet and rather shy as a man, while my feminine side wants to be much more social and involved. I have often joked that all I really want is to be the most beautiful girl in the room - which is only a joke if I really think that I ever am. Still, I'd much rather shine than blend. I can't make my feminine appearance be as good as Phaylen's (highly filtered and possibly photo shopped) pic portrays, but I have learned that there is so much more to "passing" than the way I look. It's much more about the self-confidence and living in truth. Although it took much longer than it should have, I finally realized that I belong and have every right to be anywhere I choose to be, as does anyone else. I want to pass as a person (the person I really am) more than an illusion I may have created."

(The "Phaylen" Connie is responding to is an LGBTQ activist and actress and does have passing privileges' probably due in part to advanced makeup and photography techniques many of us don't have access to. See below:)

More Connie: "I suppose that I have some "passing privilege" - at least, I have been told this many times. My dysphoria keeps me from recognizing this allegation, however. Beyond the primary, my secondary (male) sex characteristics add up to be a real challenge for me. Sure, there are cis women who are taller, or with broader shoulders, or with large hands, or with big heads and necks, etc. - but very few of them possess all of them together. Nevertheless, these are things that I do possess, and that I can never change. I have managed to change my attitude, though, and that has gone more toward achieving any passing privilege I have than has anything else."

Connie. Making Seattle beautiful. 

Perhaps my emphasis on blending in has to do with my intense interaction with other women over the years. Even though I had to act as if I were a man, I interacted as if I were a woman. My gender dysphoria has told me over the years I couldn't be the best looking woman in the room and just being perceived as a woman in the room was good enough. 

Anything else will have to wait until my next life. In the meantime, I just have tried my best to exist in the passing lane.

The Archives are Overflowing

 Every now and then I get brave and go back through a few of my 6500 plus posts I have written over the years looking for a fresh idea or two. Needless to say, fresh ideas are difficult to come up with. Today I went back to September of last year for this post:

"And, as Madonna would say, I am a material girl. Then again, don't all of us have to be one way or another? Unless you are living off the grid and probably aren't reading this at all. 

Picture after first hair appointment
Credit: Cyrsti Hart

Actually, I am a very basic transgender woman. Give me a comfortable pair of jeans or leggings, add a tank top and tennis shoes and I am happy and secure as the transgender woman I am. Ironically as basic as I am, I still dress more femininely than my partner Liz who is a cis gender woman. Meaning she was assigned female at birth.

Backtracking a bit, when I first began to explore the feminine world in public, I was much more materialistic. All my accessories such as jewelry, purses, shoes etc. were so much more important to me. All my attention to detail worked too when I was complimented on my appearance by other women. 

All went well until I really started to transition, aided by the effect of hormone replacement therapy. One of the first changes that happened was I was fortunate and my hair really started to grow. So much so that my daughter gifted me my first visit to her upscale hair salon as a birthday present after I had come out to her. The visit remains in my mind as one of the most exciting yet scary experiences of my life as I crossed the gender frontier. Having to walk the "gauntlet" of women who had nothing else to do but to watch and judge me was amazing pressure to say the least. 

I learned too, it was a material world when all of the sudden I was paying to have someone else take care of my hair. My old twenty dollar haircuts at a barber shop were long gone. Also when I was going out, I had to learn there was a back to my head also. All those years of wearing a wig had spoiled me. Of course I could simply turn the wig around on it's stand and brush it out. 

Another of the main problems I faced as I MtF gender transitioned was the cost of trying to maintain two wardrobes. Along the way I was biased because shopping for the feminine side was so much more fun and satisfying. Once I settled into my feminine natural role and quit cross dressing as a guy, of course the costs went down.

I suppose it could be argued we all live in a material world. Transgender women may experience it all in such a unique way."

I called the post "Material Girl" and the photo as I mentioned was taken after my first birthday present following coming out to my daughter. I was scared to death the first time I went to the upscale women's hair salon where my daughter was a regular. I learned quickly what I had been missing, I loved the experience almost as much as I loved my daughters acceptance of the new me. 

On the day at least I was the material girl. 
  

Gender Dreaming

 Do you dream in gender?  In other words during your dreams are you just you or are you distinctly one of the binary genders.

As I have progressed through life into finally being able to live as my authentic self as a transgender woman, I believe my dreams have began to change. Early in life I remember the elusive (even cruel) dreams when I was the girl. When I woke up I was severely disappointed. This went on for years until I was able to find my way out of the closet and live in a feminine world. As my dreams began to transition in their own way, so did I.

Photo by Randy Tarampi on Unsplash

When I went out more and more I was nearly completely entranced with my appearance. I would spend hours shopping for what I hoped would be the perfect outfit. The amount of effort I was putting into transforming my external self must have been seeping into my subconscious being when I was asleep. My dreams went from just being a girl to being an attractive woman. Either way, I was waking up severely disappointed.   

As time went by, slowly my gender dreams started to change. 

Along the way I spent many hours wondering why I was living in a feminine world, living relatively successfully as my authentic self. I thought my dreams should be changing also when I had dreams which I knew specifically I was returned back to my hated male self in more than a few of my dreams. 

I am far from an expert when it comes to dreams and what they mean and I am aware I may be putting too much worth to the whole process. My partner Liz  is much more knowledgeable on the subject and says simply I have lived too many years in a male world. My subconscious mind just has not caught up yet. 

She may be correct because recently I have been dreaming in situations where I am the feminine person. Perhaps my gender dreaming is catching up with my everyday life. For whatever reason it is important to me. Small wins I guess for small minds. But then again the entire process is just another indication of how important the transgender life process is to us. 

Dreams can come true!

It's Prom Time

 Spring has finally sprung around here and with it comes prom season in the local schools. With prom comes most every young novice cross dresser or transgender girls dream of being the lovely girl in the fancy dress enjoying a night out. Excluding those who write cross dressing fiction, dreams are all the envious boys will experience.

Photo by Amy Kate on Unsplash

Way back in the day, I ended up going to my high school's junior prom one year followed by actually going to two proms (with the same girl) my senior year in high school. It was because we actually went to competing high schools. So all in all, I was able to experience too much prom for my own good. Ironically I had to spend my own hard earned money on something I was so envious of. Instead of me being restricted to a tuxedo, I had to present a corsage and purchase dinner for my finely dressed prom dates. 

The only positive I could see coming out of the whole evenings was for the first time I was actually going out with girls. Leading up to that point, I was so shy and confused about my own gender, I still could barely talk to girls at all. I continued to place them all high up on an impossibly high pedestal. The pedestal included being jealous on my end of a date in a pretty formal with professional makeup and hair. So badly I wanted to be her. 

The closest I ever came was years later when the supper club we went to eventually closed and changed into a gay venue. It took awhile but at least finally I made it into the same rest room/powder room my date went to. A small victory to be sure but at the least a small amount of satisfaction of the fact finally I was making strides in the right gender direction.

Today, from the outside looking in, times seem to be better for an increasingly larger number of young transgender girls. Every now and then I read about a trans girl being elected to her schools' homecoming court etc. Plus there doesn't seem to be the social pressure for actual prom dating. I remember how my first date was set up through in betweens.  In other words friends of the girl who turned out to be my first date set her up with me because they knew I didn't have a date .Being so far removed from the school scene these days I can't even speculate on current proms.

I do know an increasingly number of LGBTQ organizations around here are organizing "adult proms" for those who for whatever reasons never had a chance to go to a prom. Plus I know of a couple of places locally who deal in used discount prom dresses for those who need them. 

The closest I have come to needing anything remotely formal to wear was several years ago when my partner Liz and I attended a holiday performance of the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra I think I was as scared going to the performance as I was so long ago on the first prom. For the evening I managed to pair a long flowing pair of black pants I owned for awhile with a black sparkly sweater top I located in a thrift store, belted at the waist. A beaded small black purse completed my outfit.    

Hopefully, during this prom season you can do something such as attending an  adult prom to see what if anything you missed.

"Endo" Day

 Every six months or so I need to "face the music" and visit my endocrinologist or "Endo" doc. Quite possibly it is the most important doctors appointment I have.? Because she  controls my hormone replacement therapy medications. 

From the Jessie
Hart Collection 

In my case, that means I have to make a trip to the vampires to have my blood checked at the Veterans Administration blood laboratory.  From that point forward it is up to her to judge my overall health and give me her blessing to continue on my meds. 

Needless to say, my hormone meds are near and dear to me because the meds have allowed me to become the transgender woman I am today. No pressure...right? I write quite a lot about the changes HRT have contributed to my growth as a transgender woman. Mainly when it came to the  feminization  of my exterior to match my inner self. 

Adding to the pressure of this visit is I needed to do a new test I had been putting off for nearly a year and/or two appointments. This time I had to provide a twenty four hour urine sample. So , not only do I not know what the test is for, I don't know how it will enter in to my HRT, The VA has an on line site where you can view test results I just don't know how to translate the results. I guess that much is her job. 

Many times I have the ability to conjure up irrational fears. Hopefully this is just another one of those. 

 

It Takes a Real Man

 It takes a "real man" to be a woman. Because first we have to decide what a "real man" is, or should be. Unfortunately both genders do not begin life as a full fledged woman or man. We are socialized into our preferred gender. The problem being how stereotypes enter into the process. Presumably nearly all of us grow up with unfair media images of what our gender should be like.

The problem is compounded when one is growing up transgender. In my generation we had the influx of cowboys to watch on television who were basically the strong silent types. Women on the other hand were either long suffering but tough bar girl types or the all knowing suburban Moms who always stayed home to raise a family. Between the two feminine stereotypes, I wonder now why I even wanted so badly to be a girl. Through it all I suppose I wanted to be the feminine person being pursued by a guy, rather than the guy doing the pursuing. Over the years I often thought most of my gender thought process came from the fact I grew up in such a patriarchal dominated family. Maybe I was too shy and intimidated to be a quote "normal aggressive boy". It wasn't until much later I understood my gender dysphoria went completely deeper than what was being portrayed on television and film as the strong male stereotype. 

Photo by Yogendra Singh on Unsplash

What I also didn't realize being born a genetic male came with it's positives and negatives. Sure you had to be the aggressor on a number of occasions including sports but once you did you were rewarded with a certain amount of male privilege. Plus, since I was white, society was set up for me to succeed much easier than others. Of course the journey was not all sweetness and light. Being perceived as a male meant I had to face the uncertainty of a three year military career exactly when I didn't need it. During those days and years I really resented the fact that only males were drafted. It didn't matter, I left home and served like so many others served my time. At that point in time I didn't know if any of it entitled me to the "real man" status. But at the least it all kept most of the people I knew fooled concerning my true gender desires. 

Life went on and as I tried to fight my gender dysphoria, the further I slid towards wanting to live as my authentic feminine self. It was during those days my second wife and I began to have massive fights when she caught me out and about as a transgender woman. She knew ahead of our marriage I was a cross dresser but never once accepted me as being transgender. She was also a very strong person which is why we were together twenty five years until her untimely death at the age of fifty. So when we fought, we fought. 

It was during one of these fights she actually told me to try to be man enough to be a woman.  Initially I was stunned. Sadly, it took me many years to understand exactly what she meant. If I wanted to end our relationship and live as a transgender woman, I was going to have to summon the courage to do it.  I was going to have to step out of what was left of my gender comfort zone and give up my male privilege.  Sadder yet I didn't do it until she passed on. 

I will never have a way to know if she would have ultimately approved of the person I became.  I can only hope to show her it did take a real man to give up nearly everything and become a woman.