Is It All Competition

 

Image from Gavin Allenwood on 
UnSplash. 

As I began to follow my gender journey, I did have some sort of an idea on how cis women compete in the world and how it differs from men. The one mistake I did make was thinking women somehow operate in a kinder/gentler world when it comes to competition.

Once I was allowed to play in the girls’ sandbox and get into a couple brief but intense scuffles with other women, I learned the hard way that women were into it as much as men when it came to what was important in their lives. The difference being was what was important. Men of course, compete in athletics and business while women tend to build their lives around family and home. And let’s not forget the influence of appearance with women. While it is a shallow existence, some women have a tendency to make friends and socialize with other women who fit in with their appearance. I remember quite clearly trying to watch my pre-teen granddaughter try to socialize with and fit in with a much prettier girl at a birthday party she was at. This extended with me all the way to a lesbian mixer I was at one night when a friend of mine wanted me to approach a very pretty femme lesbian for a date for her. It turns out that both my granddaughter and lesbian friend were both out of luck.

Not unlike when men try to date beautiful women and get rejected. I know when I started down the path of getting out in public as a novice transgender woman, I was only concerned about my appearance. I felt I was working to compete one on one with the other women in the world I met. How was my makeup, hair looking and did all my accessories match the rest of my outfit was all that was important to me. It took me awhile to go through this portion of my life as a cross dresser and emerging as a wiser more mature feminine person.

It was also about this time when I started to really engage with other women. Which was a real challenge because I was so timid. What would I say and how would I say it became I bigger priority other than just how I looked. I discovered too, the power of the submissive compliment to start a conversation. An example was when another woman would come up to me and compliment my earrings to start a conversation. When in reality, she was just curious to find out what I was doing in her world. In particular, I found out that I needed to beware of the you look great compliment because it could be tied into a compliment such as a man dressed as a woman.

It turned out, when I built my own circle of ciswomen friends, I did not need to worry as much about competition in the world anymore. When I was approached, it was when I was part of a group of out-going women who without thinking, shielded me from any negative people. The process worked wonders for me because I could set back and learn how to act from the other women around me and only step up and out when needed to secure my place in the group.

Slowly but surely, my competition turned to confidence that I could live the dream life as a transfeminine person I never thought I could be. I began to join writer groups with my wife Liz which in turn helped build further my new life because these people never knew anything about my previous life as a male. It all separated me from my old unwanted life and propelled me into a future I so wanted.

Furthermore, I did not have to compete in the world with other women. If they had a problem with me, so be it. It was their problem not mine. I did not have to please everyone was a powerful moment in my life. But without all the gender competition I went through, I would have never made it to the point I am today. I learned from how men compete with each other as well as women from both sides of the gender spectrum. Typically, men don’t compete well with women at all, and I knew that going in. So, I knew what to expect. With other women though, I did not have any idea at all. It took me a long time to learn feminine competition and how it worked.

As I said, once I did learn to compete in the real world as a trans woman, my life changed for the better and I truly began to live the life I always dreamed of.

Trans Girl Acceptance Versus Competiton

 

Image from UnSplash. 

As I increased the intensity of my male to female gender transition, I was under the mistaken idea that women were not as competitive as men. Very quickly I discovered I was wrong. As with many other gender specific issues I faced, women compete as intensely as men, just on their unique level.

When I grew out of my teen girl dressing stage and began to blend in with the ciswomen at large in the world, I received my first real taste of feminine competition.  As a  man, I had always thought women dressed for other men, when if fact, they were dressing for other women. Once I got that through my thick head, life as a novice transgender woman became easier for me and I could finally progress in my journey out of my closet into the real world.

As I progressed. I wasn’t totally clueless about the differences between genders. My entire life, I had made it my business to study the world of women in case I ever made it in their world. Little did I know how difficult it would be for me to gain acceptance from the alpha female gatekeepers to the world I always wanted to be part of in the worst way. Perhaps, the most important lesson I needed to learn was how ciswomen competed in life. I had always assumed one shallow fact that women only compete on an appearance level. When in fact, they compete in a very complex layered system.

Maybe you have heard the term “Mama Bear?” It refers to women who intensely support their kids and family as one example of how women compete outside of just looking good. My daughter is a great example of a “Mama Bear” as she goes out of her way to protect her transgender child. There are plenty of other examples I have of women competing on a level which includes appearance. My company I managed a unit for used to throw lavish holiday parties which the women managers would go all out for in their gowns. Of course I was jealous as I was stuck in restricting, boring men’s clothing when I would have loved to have been in one of the fancy gowns. But I missed my opportunity again.

I found out too how women compete to keep their man. In yesterday’s post, I recounted an encounter I had with a less than pleasant woman who came back from the restroom and found me talking to her man. They left the venue quickly and I was left with claw marks down my back. Somehow, she thought I was competing for her man, and I never made that mistake again.

Another example could be the number of ciswomen who have no problem with transgender women or cross dressers as a group, UNTIL gender issues invade their own family and their husband comes home and opens up that he wants to be a woman. Then the real work begins from both man and wife as they try to discuss a gender transition. Afterall, what would the wife tell her friends and family.

The flip side of feminine competition is the wonderful world of cisgender woman acceptance. Depending on who you are asking for acceptance, expect a long journey of approving yourself as a worthy candidate for womanhood. As my wife told me so many times that I made a terrible woman, I needed to find out what she meant because I was beginning to have success in my feminine appearance. In her defense, she was right and until the gatekeepers let me behind the curtain to learn the world from a woman’s perspective. I did make a terrible woman.

Maybe you have known that one special ciswoman or two who have had that seemingly unlimited ability to love and accept the world. It is true that nothing can replace a woman’s love. And I have benefitted from them my entire life. Starting with my own mom, who after three still births kept trying until I came along. Plus, I can’t forget the wives who had loved me in their own unique way while I was on my solitary often selfish journey to transgender womanhood. It was not their fault I refused to face my gender truth.

Finally, it was an assortment of women such as Liz, Hope, Kim, Nikki and others who believed enough in me as a person to let me in to their world. They were my gatekeeps who showed me I didn’t have to compete with other women to be successful in my new life. Acceptance from them was all I needed. When I needed to compete, I could do it on a woman’s level because I had been there and done it.