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| Image from UnSplash. |
As I increased the intensity of my male to female gender transition, I was under the mistaken idea that women were not as competitive as men. Very quickly I discovered I was wrong. As with many other gender specific issues I faced, women compete as intensely as men, just on their unique level.
When I grew out of my teen girl dressing stage and began to
blend in with the ciswomen at large in the world, I received my first real
taste of feminine competition. As a man, I had always thought women dressed for
other men, when if fact, they were dressing for other women. Once I got that
through my thick head, life as a novice transgender woman became easier for me
and I could finally progress in my journey out of my closet into the real world.
As I progressed. I wasn’t totally clueless about the differences
between genders. My entire life, I had made it my business to study the world
of women in case I ever made it in their world. Little did I know how difficult
it would be for me to gain acceptance from the alpha female gatekeepers to the
world I always wanted to be part of in the worst way. Perhaps, the most
important lesson I needed to learn was how ciswomen competed in life. I had
always assumed one shallow fact that women only compete on an appearance level.
When in fact, they compete in a very complex layered system.
Maybe you have heard the term “Mama Bear?” It refers to
women who intensely support their kids and family as one example of how women
compete outside of just looking good. My daughter is a great example of a “Mama
Bear” as she goes out of her way to protect her transgender child. There are
plenty of other examples I have of women competing on a level which includes appearance.
My company I managed a unit for used to throw lavish holiday parties which the
women managers would go all out for in their gowns. Of course I was jealous as
I was stuck in restricting, boring men’s clothing when I would have loved to
have been in one of the fancy gowns. But I missed my opportunity again.
I found out too how women compete to keep their man. In
yesterday’s post, I recounted an encounter I had with a less than pleasant woman
who came back from the restroom and found me talking to her man. They left the
venue quickly and I was left with claw marks down my back. Somehow, she thought
I was competing for her man, and I never made that mistake again.
Another example could be the number of ciswomen who have no
problem with transgender women or cross dressers as a group, UNTIL gender
issues invade their own family and their husband comes home and opens up that
he wants to be a woman. Then the real work begins from both man and wife as
they try to discuss a gender transition. Afterall, what would the wife tell her
friends and family.
The flip side of feminine competition is the wonderful world
of cisgender woman acceptance. Depending on who you are asking for acceptance,
expect a long journey of approving yourself as a worthy candidate for
womanhood. As my wife told me so many times that I made a terrible woman, I
needed to find out what she meant because I was beginning to have success in my
feminine appearance. In her defense, she was right and until the gatekeepers let
me behind the curtain to learn the world from a woman’s perspective. I did make
a terrible woman.
Maybe you have known that one special ciswoman or two who
have had that seemingly unlimited ability to love and accept the world. It is
true that nothing can replace a woman’s love. And I have benefitted from them
my entire life. Starting with my own mom, who after three still births kept trying
until I came along. Plus, I can’t forget the wives who had loved me in their
own unique way while I was on my solitary often selfish journey to transgender
womanhood. It was not their fault I refused to face my gender truth.
Finally, it was an assortment of women such as Liz, Hope,
Kim, Nikki and others who believed enough in me as a person to let me in to
their world. They were my gatekeeps who showed me I didn’t have to compete with
other women to be successful in my new life. Acceptance from them was all I
needed. When I needed to compete, I could do it on a woman’s level because I
had been there and done it.
