Transgender Recipe

Image from Callum Hill
on UnSplash

Every now and then I am asked how I negotiated a difficult and often impossible gender journey. 

As I have been able to sit back and look at my path, I know my recipe for success is in some cases very different from other transgender women  but at the same time eerily similar. An example would be those of you of an age close to mine (73) needed to endure years in a very dark and isolated closet in the pre-internet and social media era. For years, I was convinced no one else shared my own gender issues. My own recipe for success as a novice cross dresser or transvestite (or whatever you happened to call it) turned into a recipe for survival.

Through all the down days of questioning what gender I was, life went on as I built into my recipe different ways to survive in a male world I wanted no part of. I mainly resorted to existing in a very lonely life as the girl in the mirror. The major problem was the girl in the mirror always provided positive feedback no matter how poor I really looked. The learning curve proved to be a challenge since I had no real peer influence to help me. 

My recipe didn't really change for years as I basically just bided my time until I graduated high school and college. Then waited for the military to draft me into their world which shattered any of my possible future cross dressing ventures. They would have to be on hold for my three year enlistment. Surprisingly my recipe did not include my first adventure in letting others in (or coming out) to a select few others. I write often about the Halloween party I went to in Germany when I had approximately a year left to serve, as a prostitute. Weeks later, when my "costume" came up among friends. over many quality German beers I admitted I was not wearing a "costume", I was a transvestite. Even though I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders, I then had to begin to worry about being outed to my superiors and being ushered out of the military with a dis-honorable discharge. Fortunately, I wasn't. I served out my final year and was honorably discharged. With my gender issues safely hidden away.

Following my return to the civilian world, my interaction with others as a transvestite revolved basically around the various Halloween parties I went to as a woman. During the parties I was able to mix in interacting with the world as a novice transgender woman into my recipe. The lessons learned are basically too many to share in this blog post but the most important ingredient I added to my gender recipe was the fact I just may be able to exist in the feminine world as a full time transgender woman and most importantly how much I enjoyed it. 

From there my life became much more complex as I enforced my ever-evolving gender recipe. I was at once elated but  at the same time terrified to be giving up what was left of my male life. I suspect those of you followed a somewhat similar path as you wrote and followed your own recipe for gender success. It remains amazing to me how far I have come since the deep dark days in the closet I survived years ago. 

The Great Pivot

Image from the Jessie Hart
Collection

Very few human beings ever attempt such a major change such as crossing the gender border. 

For me, pivoting into the feminine world as a transgender woman took me years to complete. In fact some would argue I am still working on the process. A complete pivot doesn't end until you are safely in the grave with your chosen gender intact. In my case I am very fortunate in that I have two strong trans allies who I hope will survive me. Plus I plan on simplifying the funeral procedure to the maximum since I am requesting cremation and no services to speak of, unless close friends and family want to gather for some sort of a celebration of life service. 

Before you begin to think this whole post is going to pertain to death and dying, it is not as there is plenty more to discuss in a gender pivot. First of all, you have to figure out how you are going to appear as the gender you perceive to be your authentic self. Since many of us begin our journey in the pre-testosterone time in our life, the transformation into a girl is often much easier. Until the pesky masculine hormone began to make it's presence known and the process known as testosterone poisoning began to set in. All of a sudden, the great pivot became harder to pull off for most of us.  Unless you are one of the few males who are feminine in nature. I was not and the struggle became real.

As we grow up, society becomes a problem also. Peer and adult pressures combine to attempt to force us into pre-conceived gender norms which are difficult to escape. Again, I grew up in a very patriarch influenced world and being the oldest son, I was expected to conform to the expectations of the "Greatest Generation" made up of survivors of the Great Depression and  WWII. My Dad served in the war and one of my uncles was a drill sergeant. So you get the idea of what I was facing. I was so intimidated by the idea of letting anyone into my desire to pivot my gender, I waited until after my Dad and uncle passed away before I did it. As far as the rest of society was concerned, I finally arrived at the point where I didn't care.

The point I did arrive at was the point where I was able to pivot more or less gracefully in the public's eye. I say more or less because of the many blunders I made with my attempts at taking my mirror image public. I needed to conquer all the challenges of wardrobe, movement and communication before I could even conceive of moving forward. Slowly but surely I did learn and was successful enough to build the authentic self from scratch. 

Looking back now, I think learning all the basics of communication with the world as a woman was the most difficult part of my great pivot. Most likely, because I had all the time I needed to practice the art of dressing and making up as a feminine person. Interaction with the world in all situations was many times a shock and took me time to become used to.

In many ways, my pivot was a lifetime labor of love. One I had no choice in but then again wouldn't force it on my worst enemy. Then again, the whole process may do them some good. 

 

Transgender Vacation Blues

 

Image 
from UnSplash 

Back when my second wife was still alive, in the early fall or late summer we used to vacation close to the same area every year. 

We used to just take off and travel from our home in Southern Ohio and make the trip up through Toledo and Detroit up into northern Michigan. Often trying to escape the late summer heat, we went as far North as the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. It was a great time to go because many upscale venues in places such as Traverse City discounted their prices for off season tourists and we didn't have crowds to deal with. 

During that portion of my life, things should have been going good. My restoration efforts on our 1860's brick home, were coming together and both my wife and I enjoyed jobs which provided us with a little spendable income. What could possibly go wrong? In reality, just one major one. My battle with gender dysphoria. I was just beginning to experience more success as a novice public cross dresser and or transvestite and I wanted to do more. I was also riding the waves of gender euphoria when I went out and gender repression when I couldn't. Part time exploration of my transgender needs just wasn't working. 

It figured then, if I wasn't able to try to experience my gender euphoria just before we went on vacation, most certainly I would mentally crash and burn during our vacation. Of course when I did I would grow grumpy to the point where my wife would ask me what was wrong. She would ask what else I needed in life to be happy. At that point I just couldn't tell her the truth. The only thing which would have made me happier at that moment was if I was making the vacation trip as a transgender woman. From then on I did the usual male response and internalized my feelings and acted as if I was feeling better.

Sadly my gender dysphoria managed to ruin several vacations for me as time after time I fell into bouts of gender depression. I was even affected when we made our annual stop in the village of Frankenmuth, Michigan to look for rare Christmas tree ornaments my wife didn't already have since she was a Christmas fanatic. I over compensated by encouraging her to over buy every year. As we walked through the stores, no matter what I was outwardly feeling, inwardly I wanted to be doing it with her as two girlfriends. Naturally, the entire process ruined the vacation time I should have been enjoying.  I had the vacation blues which at times frustrated me even more because I should have been enjoying my hard earned time away from my pressure packed job.

Since I never had the courage to face my transgender truths until much later in life, my vacation blues never changed until I retired and met Liz, my current wife. The vacations we have taken changed the vacation narrative for me. The blues have disappeared and for once I have been able to enjoy myself. . 

Deep Gender Frustration

My attempt at formality.
From the Jessie Hart Archives.

One of the first deep seated internal  frustrations I felt with my gender dysphoria was when I first encountered the challenge of attending my junior-senior prom in high school. 

I was very shy and nervous when it came to being around girls of any type. I didn't have any sisters or any girls in the neighborhood I grew up in, so I had no experience. When I made it to the time when my first prom came up in my junior year, I was stuck in a new high school with very few friends period. Especially no female ones. So I had no one to even summon up the courage to invite to the prom. It turned out, the problem was going to take care of itself without much effort on my part. 

What happened was a group or clique of popular girls noticed one of their group did not have a date to the prom. At that point, they reached out to me to find out if I was interested in attending the event. I nervously said yes and the planning began. Little did I know what I was getting into. As the male part of the date (back in those days) I was expected to provide everything from transportation, to dinner to flowers for my date.  My deep problem was I was the one who wanted to wear the fancy gown and be given a corsage then dined and danced with. I was deeply frustrated. The only good parts of the entire night were my parents were proud and probably a little relieved I was finally going out with a girl. On my part I was interested to see how I would finally find out how I would react to a real live date.

As predicted, my first prom did absolutely nothing to relieve any of my deep seated gender frustrations. In many ways, the whole process just made it worse. At  the least at that point I had began the process of learning what dating a girl was all about. In my senior year I actually met and stayed with another girl until I went away to college. The time included another prom in my senior year which I needed to suffer through since once again I wanted to be the girl, not the guy. I hated the tuxedo I had to wear all the way (again) to not being the one in the glitzy dress. The only revenge I ever received came years later, the supper club we went to eat at prom became a large gay venue and I was able to use the same women's room my date used. A small amount of retribution but meaningful none the less.  

When I went way to college, the initial months on campus provided one of the few gender respites I ever experienced from my transgender life. But to make a long story short (as you know) my desires to love everything feminine never went away. In fact, years later my jealousy re-surfaced in a major way. During my years working for a major restaurant chain franchisee, the company threw lavish Christmas parties for the store managers and upper level assistants.  The parties were semi formal  so once again I was thrown in to being downright jealous of the women who would be attending. Several were very attractive and needed to try to negotiate getting in and out of the limousine the company provided  for transportation in the fancy gowns. As the other men admired the women and their attempts to stay modest when they entered and exited the limo, I on the other hand, wanted to be one of the women in the beautiful dresses. 

It wasn't until fairly recently when I came even remotely close to achieving close to the same feeling cis-women feel when they are able to dress up. During recent Christmas's and other banquets I have managed to come up with a semi formal dress up look. It provided me a respite from a little of the gender frustration  I experienced over the years.  I also discovered women all along were aware of their own insecurities of semi formal events. Often the grass is not always greener on the other side of the gender fence. 

Code Red Moment

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

I remember like is was yesterday the night years ago when my life changed forever.

It was the evening when I decided to journey out in the world as a transgender woman for the first time instead of just trying to get by as a cross dresser or transvestite. I knew I was playing with labels but the whole process was important to me. 

First, I was so terrified I would fail and be subjected to more of the public ridicule I had experienced in my recent past. Even though I was relatively a novice in trying to present responsibly as a woman in front of the world, I still knew I had to make a concerted effort to do my best to blend in with the other women I would be facing when I went out. 

I chose where I wanted to go carefully. I knew that every night around eight or nine o'clock many single women would gather at a TGIF Fridays after work at a nearby upscale mall where they worked. If you are not familiar with a Friday's, it was one of the first venue's to welcome and provide a safe environment for single women in the country. 

Up to that time, my gender life was similar to riding a "teeter totter" on a kids playground. One day I was up with gender euphoria but the next day I was in the depths of my gender dysphoria. Desperately trying to find a way out until the "teeter totter" reversed and moved up again. The process dominated my life and made it very difficult to lead a so called normal life. 

On the night in question, I was determined to make a statement and help my gender euphoria. I began by picking out a fashionable black pants suit I had found in my size at a local thrift store and paired it with a sensible pair of women's flats they might wear following a long day in heels on the job. I applied my best makeup and longish blond wig and I thought I was ready to attack the world...or at least a small portion of it. To top it all off, my anxiety level was at an all time high as I traveled the twenty five minute trip to arrive at the venue. Once I did arrive I think I must have spent twenty minutes in my car trying to calm my nerves before I gathered enough courage to go in. I think my male self was becoming frightened the beginning of the end was coming for him.

As I went in, I had a small amount of knowledge on the venue I was going to. In addition to my wife and I going there, I had worked for a chain of competing venues for several years. So, I knew, if I could get past the hostess stand in good shape and secure a seat at the bar (if one was available) I had a chance of succeeding. When I did all of that and was able to breathe again, I was actually able to relax and enjoy myself and then start thinking I was in a "Code Red" lifetime moment. Deep down I knew, my life could never be the same again as I had arrived on the successful threshold of being a full time transgender woman. My male self was aware to he was in deep trouble.

From that moment forward I was able to go back to the Fridays and establish myself as some sort of a regular. Even though I never thought I presented completely as a cis-woman, I knew I was easy to remember. Back in those days, transgender women and men were just becoming slightly better known in the world. In addition I never caused any trouble and tipped well. In a couple places where I became a regular I even think the venue valued my business as a sign of their diversity.    

Whatever the case, the code red had occurred and the teeter totter began to stay in the upward position which meant my old male self was never coming back.

Gender Rebuild

 

Once you make the determination you are going to cross the gender frontier as live as a transgender woman or trans man, the clock begins to move forward on a total reconstruction process.

Of course the first things you have to do is to rebuild your appearance to come as close as you can to present correctly in the world. I write often how the process was often a painful one for me as a tried to work my way out of my so-called teen aged cross dressing or transvestite years. I was dressing to what I thought my male self wanted me to look like. Instead of a more realistic version from my feminine side. As I exited the difficult appearance years, it was time to take my rebuild further and begin to interact more completely in the world as a transgender woman.

It all meant, the public was crushing in on me and I was forced into moving my old male self into the background and beginning to learn the basics of communicating in the world as a woman. The differences were at once shocking but soon became easy to understand.  My rebuild had started in earnest as men steered clear of me for the most part while women mostly were curious why I wanted to play in their sandbox. The gender testing program was often intense but I just needed to succeed.

As I tested out, my rebuild continued as I needed to put the image I so admired in the mirror all those years into actual motion. How I walked, talked and even ate became my focus as a novice transgender woman. It took awhile before it all became a habit and it was difficult to reverse my gains when I had to go back to living as a man. Slowly but surely he faded into my past and I was able to rebuild even further towards my gender future. 

As I moved closer and closer to going full time as a trans woman, the most amazing thing happened. I was seemingly making less and less effort to live. Now I believe my inner feminine self saw her chance to finally live in the daylight and took over. When she did, it was like I always was meant to live the new way and to let her handle it. What I didn't know was, there was going to be a bit of pressure or thought which had to go into it. The main question was, what kind of new person did I want to be? Quoting my wife Liz, very few humans have the opportunity to rebuild their lives and start over. I took that seriously and decided I should take the second chance and try to be a good person, Of course being a good person is often tough to live up to but at the least I try.

I also try to keep any remaining pieces of my lifetime of rebuilding to an end. Ironically now as I enter the twi-light years of my life, I have to again attempt to safeguard what I have built. Or, how will I be received as a pre-opt transgender woman in an assisted care  facility.  It is a final process I try not to dwell on often. 

Total Disclosure

 

Liz to my right at the Picnic
from the Jessie Hart Collection

Total disclosure of our deepest gender secrets often comes at a huge cost to many transgender women or trans men when we choose to let others into our authentic life. 

Losses are well documented, such as losing everything from spouses and family to employment and friends. Sadly it all happens when we simply decide to tell others. Plus, not many realize we trans folk never really had a choice of whom we just had to be to live. Then we have to go through severe nervousness  we decide who to tell and when. 

In my case, I decided who I needed to tell and ranked them in order of importance to me. I chose telling my only child, a daughter to tell first. Total disclosure to her was rough. I couldn't believe it was my words telling her I was transgender and then waiting for a totally negative reaction. It turned out she was shocked and then a little upset. She asked why she was the last to know. Truth be known, she wasn't the last to know. Her Mother knew I was a cross dresser or transvestite back in those days but thought it was a fairly harmless side "hobby" of her husband. She (or I) didn't know how deep my gender urges ran and how much I put in to denying who I really was. 

The only other person my daughter could be referring to as far as people knowing about me was my second wife, her step mother. Since she is deceased I will never know how many people (if any) she ever told. As with most cis-women, I feel as if she may have confided in her closest friend because of how the friend started to treat me. So all in all my daughter, who made my coming out process so incredibly easy essentially spoiled me. Next on my list to tell was my only brother because my parents had long since passed on. 

As it turned out, as well as my experience with my daughter went, my brother's was just as bad. Mostly I think because of his fear of dealing with right wing Baptist in laws, he wouldn't/couldn't accept me. To cut the only real tie we had as family, he pulled my invitation to the annual family Thanksgiving dinner back. That was close to a decade ago and we have sadly not spoken since. So much for brotherly love when total gender disclosure was involved. It seemed with the total disparity between my daughter and my brother was involved, destiny had taken a moment to show me both sides of disclosing my authentic self. My daughter just wanted me to be happy, while my brother just wanted to ignore the entire matter. 

I waited so long to let others in to my world, most had passed on. Also with the help of my remaining and new supporting friends and family, I was able to build new support systems without the worry of total disclosure. Since the new people already knew me. Which was quite the weight off my shoulders as you can imagine. 

Sadly, as transgender women and trans men face total disclosure, we still face too many obstacles to live as our authentic selves. Many end up living lonely lives although I believe social media is beginning to provide connections within the trans community. Until the problem is totally resolved for the benefit of all, we have a long way to go. 

Shadow Man

 

Image from Stormseeker 
on UnSplash

For years I have struggled to describe most of my gender journey from being a semi successful man to living as a fulltime transgender woman. 

Finally I came up with one idea. During the male moments of my life I was merely a shadow man. Even though I acted as if I was in the moment, I wasn't really all there. I was just looking for a way to survive the lie I was living. In order to do it, many times I needed to overdue my put-on macho image to hide my true self. I don't believe I was a toxic man but I certainly hung out with the macho guys even though I was still in the shadows. 

Perhaps it's the reason I had so few male friends. I was so afraid I would slip up and friends would see my true feminine self. It's also possible it is also the reason keeping so few people close to me meant I would have fewer people to tell if and when I came out of the shadows. With me, tragically the plan worked when most all of my close male friends passed away within several years of each other. So I don't recommend the path I took at all. 

Over the years in the shadows I also learned well the male privilege's I came to expect as I led the life of a white male. Perhaps the only drawback which turned out to be a positive was my time in the Army. The three years I served led me to very male pursuits such as learning how resilient I really was. Lessons which would serve me well when I became a father as well as other as surviving other male dominated areas such as my job. In many ways, I could go in to a room of my peers and hold my own. I didn't especially want to but at the time it was great to have a back up plan for my shadow man.

Perhaps, once I seriously started to complete my Male to Female gender transition, I began to realize how my gender life was directly backwards. Instead of being a feminine crossdresser or transvestite, I was a female cross dressing as a man. My dominate gender increasingly turned out of be feminine not masculine. Which meant my shadow man left the spotlight and retreated ever deeper into the background of my life. All in all, the deciding factor turned out to be was how natural the process turned out to be. When I subtracted out all of the moments I was totally terrified when I suddenly was losing all of my male privileges. Life was suddenly much fuller and exciting. What a shock it was the first night when I learned I had suddenly lost a significant part of my intelligence when I unknowingly was involved in a male dominated conversation. To add insult to injury they were discussing a topic I knew quite a bit about but it didn't matter. 

As it turned out, my path was illuminated when I finally gave up on being a shadow man. When I embraced completely being a transgender woman, I finally was living my truth . She had waited years and years to let any sort of light come in to her very dark and lonely gender closet. Once she was out in the light, she was determined to make the most of the opportunity and with the help of several close friends, she made the jump into the real world. 

The shadow man was exposed to the light and disappeared. Never to be seen again.      

Rites of Passage

Image from the
Jessie Hart
Collection

Yesterday I made the appointment for one of the main rites of passage I have decided to go through as a transgender woman.

What I did was schedule my annual summer mammogram. My Veteran's Administration primary provider (family doctor) always pushes me hard to have a yearly mammogram due to my family history with cancer. My maternal grandmother passed away years ago in the 1950's from breast cancer. I strongly feel because of my history I need to follow up.

If you have never had a mammogram, it is a relatively brief procedure when the nurses put you in a big X-ray machine and provide pressure to take pictures of your breasts. Not a pleasurable experience but a necessary one. Since I often think of the irony I would have to respond to if I did develop any sort of breast cancer as a transgender woman. Also I neglected to mention having to strip down to your waist and wear one of those fashionable (not) hospital gowns. I guess it's no worse than having to strip down for your military draft physical.   

The remainder of the appointment process has normally been very routine. Except for the nurse who aggravated me by asking  if I had any work done "down there". Like it was any of her business. The only other humorous thing which happened when I sat up the appointment was when the reception person was having a difficult time matching my voice on the phone with anyone needing a mammogram. She finally asked me what relation I was to the patient. 

For any number of reasons I consider having a yearly mammogram one of the top of the rites of passage I have had to go through on my gender journey. Others would include the night I decided to see if I could throw my cross dresser or transvestite ideas aside and decide if I could try to live as a transgender woman. From there I went on years later to an even bigger decision. Which was to start hormone replacement therapy. The path that started the breast growth I needed to start having mammograms. 

Hopefully this years test results will be clear of any abnormalities in my breasts so I can face my primary physician with the results. Also I hope I don't have to encounter any more rude nurses with off the wall questions. For the most part, everyone has been nice to me and the VA has handled the payment process without a problem. 

The appointment is scheduled for close to the end of the month so I will have sometime to think about it. Plus, this year, my wife Liz is going with me, so she can handle most of the driving as well as the directions to get there. Always good to have company.