Shadow Man

 

Image from Stormseeker 
on UnSplash

For years I have struggled to describe most of my gender journey from being a semi successful man to living as a fulltime transgender woman. 

Finally I came up with one idea. During the male moments of my life I was merely a shadow man. Even though I acted as if I was in the moment, I wasn't really all there. I was just looking for a way to survive the lie I was living. In order to do it, many times I needed to overdue my put-on macho image to hide my true self. I don't believe I was a toxic man but I certainly hung out with the macho guys even though I was still in the shadows. 

Perhaps it's the reason I had so few male friends. I was so afraid I would slip up and friends would see my true feminine self. It's also possible it is also the reason keeping so few people close to me meant I would have fewer people to tell if and when I came out of the shadows. With me, tragically the plan worked when most all of my close male friends passed away within several years of each other. So I don't recommend the path I took at all. 

Over the years in the shadows I also learned well the male privilege's I came to expect as I led the life of a white male. Perhaps the only drawback which turned out to be a positive was my time in the Army. The three years I served led me to very male pursuits such as learning how resilient I really was. Lessons which would serve me well when I became a father as well as other as surviving other male dominated areas such as my job. In many ways, I could go in to a room of my peers and hold my own. I didn't especially want to but at the time it was great to have a back up plan for my shadow man.

Perhaps, once I seriously started to complete my Male to Female gender transition, I began to realize how my gender life was directly backwards. Instead of being a feminine crossdresser or transvestite, I was a female cross dressing as a man. My dominate gender increasingly turned out of be feminine not masculine. Which meant my shadow man left the spotlight and retreated ever deeper into the background of my life. All in all, the deciding factor turned out to be was how natural the process turned out to be. When I subtracted out all of the moments I was totally terrified when I suddenly was losing all of my male privileges. Life was suddenly much fuller and exciting. What a shock it was the first night when I learned I had suddenly lost a significant part of my intelligence when I unknowingly was involved in a male dominated conversation. To add insult to injury they were discussing a topic I knew quite a bit about but it didn't matter. 

As it turned out, my path was illuminated when I finally gave up on being a shadow man. When I embraced completely being a transgender woman, I finally was living my truth . She had waited years and years to let any sort of light come in to her very dark and lonely gender closet. Once she was out in the light, she was determined to make the most of the opportunity and with the help of several close friends, she made the jump into the real world. 

The shadow man was exposed to the light and disappeared. Never to be seen again.