Loosening Up

 Since I have been fully vaccinated against Covid and still practice safety procedures such as proper distancing and masking in public, I have been able to get out to run a few errands. Curiously, in some ways it seems like I am starting to learn all over again in a feminine world.

At The Ohio State Union with Brutus 

Yesterday was a great example as I had to take a small package to the Post Office.  For some reason I thought I could get away with just slipping it into one of their drop boxes but it wouldn't fit. Not a problem, I had my mask handy, so with no makeup, I briskly headed into the lobby. It is a small Post Office, so there was just one woman behind the counter and I was the only other person there that I saw. As the woman behind the counter saw me, she lit up like a light bulb and enthusiastically greeted me. I think she knew I was transgender and was super accepting. Which was nice as I was struggling slightly to get into the swing again of being back in the public's eye.

I better get used to it, as I have scheduled several other public engagements. The first of which is Friday which I call my own private "D-Day". Meaning it's my dental appointment during which they are going to pull teeth and get me ready for upper dentures. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to the visit but I am looking forward to getting back my smile. At any rate, I am going to have to hitch up by big girl panties and get through it. So far the whole dentist's office has gotten my pronouns correct. 

Coming up, I have several webinars including a couple on aging and one follow up from Trans-Ohio regarding my/ours Transgender Month of Visibility presentation. I still think mine left a lot to be desired but the whole process was a learning experience to build from. 

The weekend coming up in a couple of weeks could be a real "re-coming" out experience. My partner Liz and I have been invited to a small get together of several old friends we haven't seen for awhile to hear one of them perform his music. The following day, we head up to Dayton, Ohio for a high school graduation party for my oldest grandson. 

All in all, it feels good to dive out of my Covid comfort zone and re-insert myself into a feminine world. 

Jenner Strikes Again

  Unfortunately, one of my least favorite people is back in the news.  By now you have probably heard Jenner (I refuse to use her first name) is running for the California governorship as a Republican of course. 

As a quick refresher, Jenner initially supported Benedict Donald Trump, a fierce anti LGBT president. She eventually said she didn't vote for him in 2020 and skipped the election all together to play golf.

Now Jenner has come out totally against transgender youth and athletes everywhere  by saying competing as trans athletes would be unfair to their cis counterparts. By now, you would have thought Jenner could see past her privileged  wealthy past and attempt to do something good for the transgender community.

It's bad when the trans community has a well known person seemingly speaking for us. So many civilians don't understand the diversity within the transgender culture. 

Jenner is nothing more than a hypocrite and a traitor to us all and the worse part of all this is, I'm sure I will have the chance to see/hear more from her as her campaign for governor digresses. 

Pose

 The television drama "Pose" has been around for awhile now. In fact it just premiered it's third season.

Here is a look at the show from Google :

"Set in the 1980s, `Pose' is a dance musical that explores the juxtaposition of several segments of life and society in New York: the ball culture world, the rise of the luxury Trump-era universe, and the downtown social and literary scene. Blanca forms a `house', a self-selected family that provides

 support to LGBTQ youth who have been rejected by their birth families. Damon is a dancer who joins Blanca's house. Together, they compete in the balls -- where house members challenge each other in various categories and are judged on their outfits, attitude, or dance skills -- against Blanca's former house mother, Elektra. Pray Tell is Godfather to the children who compete in the balls. Angel is a streetwalker who develops feelings for a new client, Stan, who has a loving wife, Patty. James Van Der Beek co-stars as Stan's boss, "

Of interest to us is the fact the show is produced by transgender icon "Janet Mock" (above right) and features several transgender actors. 

I watched it for the first time recently and was fascinated. Even by the reproductions of the New York drag balls. I have never been to anything close to a drag ball but have been to several fairly good sized parties which featured many drag queens. I remember the energy was palpable. 

One of my favorite characters is played by Indya Moore (right) who identifies as transgender and non binary. Preferred pronouns are "she/her" and "they/them". 

The show is on Sunday nights at 10pm EDT around here and airs on the "FX" network. I'm sure it's available on a streaming service too.

Would You Give Birth?

 This was a question which was posed by one of the many bloggers I follow.  The only difference was, it was supposed to be answered only by cis guys. I couldn't let it go and jumped in with my answer as a transgender woman. 

Over the years, I have known or encountered many trans women who would consider giving birth as the ultimate feminine experience.  Others even crave the idea. 

Over the years my idea of pregnancy has changed. I suppose it goes all the way back to my days with my deceased wife when she was fond of calling me the "pretty, pretty princess." Adding I didn't have any real  idea of what life was like for a cis woman. Sadly, she was right.  The last thing I wanted to think of was what cis women had to think of (and do) when they bear children. I was too busy thinking how I looked as a woman was the most important part of my life. 

Politically also,  pregnancy is the point many cis women transphobes make that only real women can bear children The argument of course doesn't hold water because many cis women are born sterile without the proper "equipment" to go through a pregnancy. Not to mention the countless cis women who don't desire parenthood at all.

These days, possibly due to the effects of hormone replacement therapy my ideas on pregnancy have changed. Of course it is easy to say at my seventy years of age (plus) deep down I can sense I wouldn't mind being pregnant. However, I don't view the whole process as the ultimate pinnacle of my femininity. For some reason now, my body tells me now it wouldn't be out of the question if it was medically possible. 

Possible or not, the whole pregnancy idea has become yet another question to ponder. These days I think I would/could give birth if it was possible.  

Mother's Day

 It's Mother's Day again. A time to take a moment to stop and remember the person who brought us into the world. 

During our formative years, our Mother's provided us with examples (intended or not) what a woman goes through in life. Some Mother's even were more supportive than others when it came to them sensing or learning of our gender desires to be a girl. 

My Mom never/ever gave any sort of an idea she would be accepting at all of the idea her first born son wanting to become feminine at the least. I was strongly expected to follow in the patriarchal footsteps set up in our WWII era family. The problem was no matter how hard I tried to be a successful male, the more stress it caused me. 

I have written many times on how the first time I tried to come out to my Mom played out. It was after I was discharged from the Army and was enjoying the success of coming out to a close group of friends about being a "transvestite". For some reason I thought she would accept me too. It didn't work that way as she offered to pay for shock therapy to cure the "problem."  From that point forward, we never discussed my gender issues again the rest of her life. 

It took me years to overlook that night and understand our differences. 

These days, I have chosen to accept the positives of our relationship. I inherited her spirit in many ways. She wasn't shy and operated her life using very few filters. From her I learned almost anything was possible which aided me immensely as I embarked on a very difficult journey to complete my gender change. 

The day finally came when I decided to consider  possible names I would use when I went through the process of legally changing my legal gender markers. Initially I  chose my Mom's first name as my middle name as sort of a "got ya" moment. After a while though, as my thoughts about her began to change so did the reflections on using her name. 

So, Mom, I love you very much and thanks for the sacrifices you made to have me. She had gone through three still births before me and was ready to give up and adopt. Her persistence in many ways describes my life and I appreciate all you did. 

Sapir Berman Comes Out

 Recently, Sapir Berman made history by coming out as Israel's first transgender soccer official.

 Addressing her reasons for going public with her identity, Berman said that she did so “first of all for myself, for my soul, and then for my family, so they don’t see me suffering,” she related.

Congratulations!

The Time of Discovery

This week by chance, I have encountered not one but two individuals close to my age strongly considering following  seriously their feminine gender urges. Perhaps you noticed  I didn't use the transgender word to describe either because they didn't.  Both were so new in their explorations, I think they were involved in the brave new world of gender exploration, they didn't know where they were on the journey. 

One discussion was involved with how my initial results went when I first started hormone replacement therapy. It seemed, the person had started some sort of hormones without a doctors guidance by obtaining non prescription meds. Of course I  passed along my usual warning concerning starting the HRT without medical guidance could be hazardous to one's overall health. Secondly, she wanted to know how fast the effects of the hormones showed to the point of not being able to hide my gender changes any longer.

In my case, although everyone's case is different, minimum dosages of estradiol and a testosterone blocker within six months produced effects which were hard to hide. My skin and face softened, my hair grew long enough for a pony tail and of course my budding breast growth was getting harder and harder to hide. There was a definite difference for me of having "man boobs" and the feminine set of breasts I was magically growing. To make a long story short, I was forced out of my male closet and into my authentic self faster than I ever imagined. At this time, after my wife passed away, I was living by myself and my two dogs didn't care what I looked like. So, I didn't have an  un-supporting  spouse to worry about. 

The second person, is local and seemed to be very impressed she had found a supporting group of individuals who are transgender, questioning or cross dressing folk. Ironically, she was drafted into the Army nearly the same time I was in 1971.  At the time, the problem of going into the Army seemed as if it would be the worst possible move as I tried to deal with my mis-understood gender dysphoria. Years later though, I still reap the benefits of my service by taking advantage of Veteran's Administration health.

Overall, I was able to provide a positive look into what a transgender life can look like if certain factors come into line.  At least, that is my goal.

I'm very comfortable pointing out to people too, the whole gender transition process I went through was no walk in the park and I went through my share of doubts and dark days. 

The whole process of discovering my true self proved to be very  satisfying for me. The alternative of cross dressing and acting like a man would have led me to an early grave. 

Virtual Action

 Yesterday it seems I spent the day doing virtual meetups. 

The first was with my therapist. We discussed, among other things, my recent dual bout with gender dysphoria coupled with bi-polar issues. As always, it was triggered by an off the wall instance. When I returned from the dentist to have impressions taken, it seemed I had left a bit of the residue on my face. Liz wanted to show me and held up her cell phone to provide video proof. When I saw myself, I immediately went into shock after I saw my image. All I saw was an old guy with very long hair and my gender dysphoria along with the accompanied despair set in. It took me several days to climb out of the mental funk I was in.

I am fortunate to have such a strong support system with my partner Liz. She helped me climb out of my ditch. She is so good, my therapist and I call her "Dr. Liz." After a couple days, my depression started to lift and I used the time honored phrase "It is what is is" to accept my state of mind and move on. Whatever I have managed to use to feminize my male body will have to suffice. 

While I am on the subject, I was able to obtain my blood lab results from the weekend yesterday. The important results came back good. My iron was low, so I don't have to go back up to the Dayton, Ohio VA  for a blood removal phlebotomy. They take a pint out to keep my iron levels in line. Also my hormone levels remained about the same. Slightly below level for a normal non pregnant cis woman. What that means is, it's a possibility my endocrinologist will let me add another estradiol patch to our routine. We shall see.

Finally yesterday, I virtually attended the monthly Rainbow Elderly Alliance board meeting. Since I don't have much coming up in the near future as far as webinars are concerned, I was relatively quiet. It was announced though we would be participating in the upcoming June Dayton, Ohio Pride celebration. It's going to be a hybrid affair combining drive thru and actual events. Since I live an hour and fifteen minutes away, it's tough for me to do much. Plus, depending on the planning, I may be going to the Cincinnati Pride this year. It's the biggest in the area if it happens at all.

All of this amazes me. Before the pandemic I didn't even know how to attend a virtual meeting at all. Now I have days which doing on line meetings is all I do.  

Kim Petras

 If it seems Kim Petras has been in the public eye forever, it's because the transgender German entertainer started her Mtf gender transition at a very early age. Here is more from "Women's Health.":

"German singer and songwriter Kim Petras is the pop queen behind bops like “Heart to Break," “Icy,” and “Broken Glass.” Oh, and she goes from dark and moody to bubblegum pink flawlessly. Ahead of the 2020 U.S. election, she worked with MTV, LogoTV, and Trans Lifeline on a campaign to provide grant money for trans people to update their IDs."

She is 28 and released her first recording in 2011.