Rest in Peace

Last week, we lost two celebrities to suicide. Kate Spade of the hand bag fame and famous chef Anthony Bourdain. I was never in the financial position to purchase a "Kate Spade" bag, but, especially after my career in the restaurant business, I loved Bourdain. To the point of reading one of his books.

Kate Spade

Needless to say, I was in shock, then again not so much.

Anthony Bourdain

I have my own suicidal demons which are addressed with my therapist when they get too loud. Sufficient to say, my demons will be brought up this Tuesday during my next therapist visit. I am betting I will have to bring up the fact I am entranced not so much of the whys of their suicides (which I understand) but of the hows. The problem is I have learned to cover for my demons over the years.

Some even assume since I have been able to Mtf gender transition, it is all I live for.

Naturally, suicide is a very personal and complex issue and it is easier for me to write about it than speak to anyone about it. Plus, I know I have almost instantaneous access to various suicide hotlines. Including a Trans Vet Hot Line.

Also, in a sense, I suffer from going through three very personal suicides when I was younger, so I know the cost involved to the ones you leave behind. The guilt just builds.

Finally, thanks to all for reading my vent. I am OK and it means a lot I can write about something this personal.

Creating a Vocal Identity

Every once in a while, I need to revisit my quest for a more feminine voice here in Cyrsti's Condo.

Over the past month, I have pretty much had to stop my vocal exercises due to a bad throat cold which makes me sound like a frog...not a girl.

However, during my therapist's appointment on Tuesday, she owes me an explanation about what she has been doing to hook me up with a VA vocal therapist. I am betting she has done nothing until I force the point. Which I will.

I also saw additional information from my news feed which includes vocal information from nearby Ohio University (not Ohio State).

"For individuals who are transgender, voice is a very high consideration although it probably isn't an area of practice people think about first," said Sarah Taylor, M.A., CCC-SLP, clinical supervisor of Speech-Language Pathology in Ohio University's College of Health Sciences and Professions. "Vocal cords are tiny and picky. We help create a voice that reflects the individual, but is also safe to produce."

As the individual treating the majority of adults within the Hearing, Speech and Language Clinic, referrals for transgender patients looking to alter their voice came to Taylor who said, "The clinic's commitment to Safe Space and service availability as well as an interest in voice evolved into the current programming offered here. The hope is that these services will expand."

With speech therapy, altering a voice to a different pitch is possible although the time frame greatly depends on the individual. Time has to be spent changing the "muscle memory" of the cords while time is also spent on identifying the sound the person is seeking to achieve

For more, go here.

A Busy Week?

This week, my entire week starts on Sunday.

We have our monthly Cincinnati's Witches Ball meeting on Sunday. Then on Monday, I have a cross dresser - transgender support group meeting at 7:30. Tuesday is my session with my therapist. Finally, Wednesday is VA Pride Day at the Cincinnati hospital main campus.

Outfit wise, I am pretty well set, even to the point of hoping my "patriotic" top gets here on the early side of it's shipping date, rather than the later side. With my luck, it won't.

My only problem is my nails are needing a touch up, or it's time again to take all the polish off and start over.

All in all though, it's a busy week coming up, which is fun!

Jazz Jennings

I picked this up from my Yahoo News Feed this morning:

Nearly a year after reality TV and YouTube star Jazz Jennings revealed that she plans to undergo “bottom surgery,” the transgender activist has a big announcement to share with fans: She’s going to have the surgery later this month.

Jennings, 17, shared the news on her YouTube vlog on Monday. “I’m so looking forward to it. I’ve been looking forward to this my entire life,” she said. Jennings said that it’s important for her to share her journey with the public to help educate others about the process. “If I put out this information for people to see, they won’t need to ask any more questions.” She continued, “And also, it’s educational within the community as well. A lot of parents who have transgender kids are like, ‘What do I do? I don’t know much about this process.’ And seeing our show kind of helps them figure out what steps they could take to help their kids and what the journey might look like in the future.”

While it's great Jazz is getting to achieve her goal of going through the surgery, it is also worth noting most transgender youth don't enjoy the amount of parental, financial and passing privilege Jazz has.

Appointment Made

I finally summoned the courage to get a real live professional to work on my hair, or should I say, she got the courage!

The appointment is not until June 26th, time enough to have my hair colored again. Which it needs. The stylist donates 20 percent of what ever I pay to one of the transgender charities here in Cincinnati and even has a transgender child herself. My goal is to look my best for one or both of the Fourth of July parties we have been invited to.

Years ago, I used to go to a stylist when I first went full time and absolutely loved the overall "estrogen" laden experience of being in a cis women's hair salon. Due to moving and financial considerations, I have not made it back.

My new stylist is here in Cincinnati and I should be able to set up regular six week appointments with her.

Maybe she can tame down this wild mane of hair. I think I have transitioned past the point of seeing how well (and long) can it grow, to trying to look better. I want to experiment with  bangs and get my hair in the back evened out.

Should be a fun and interesting time!

Lost in Transition

I don't know if you have had a chance to watch (or even like) the transgender based TLC reality show which follows several married couples as the spouse comes out as trans.

The show does have it weaknesses of course but overall does a good job at covering many of the gut wrenching situations we as transgender women go through. Examples include the torment one of the couples goes through as the trans spouse is loudly mis-gendered and mocked in a Seattle nail salon all the way to the joy experienced by another of the spouses the first time she sees herself in a new "sewn on" permanent wig.

Other situations include one person coming out to her wife's neighborhood "girl's night out group", all the way to another of the novice transgender women's reaction to going to a "transition" makeover expert in Los Angeles.  If I had to guess ahead of time, I think this person will be the one out of the group to back out because her wife does not approve and she is doing the transition trip all wrong. I have written it here in Cyrsti's Condo before, a MtF gender transition is tough and may not be for everyone. You may want to experience living a feminine lifestyle a little (or a lot) before you sell your life up the creek to live it.

To give Connie (who lives in Seattle) equal time, there also is a family from Ohio on the show but so far, not much as been shown of her going out in public and living as a new person. On the negative side the person describes in tears her experience of going through a religious conversion therapy session with a priest.

All in all, I continue to find the show interesting enough to watch on a continuing basis. So far it has kept my interest by weaving many of the complex threads we face as transgender women in it.

We will see how it goes in the future.

I provide links to it, if you would like to stream some episodes. Lost in Transition.

Pride

June is "Pride" month and the days long celebrations and parties are underway.

Not so long ago, transgender women and trans men had little or no representation during these events. Now, even the local Veteran's Administration Centers around here show up and have a presence during the Pride days. Not so long ago the celebrations were known as "gay pride" days and the "T" in LGBT was largely silent.

Now, it's good to see no longer only drag queens have a presence and we can be seen for what we are...proud transgender folk. 

I know my local cross dresser-transgender group, as well as Trans Ohio will be setting up during the large Cincinnati Pride event, June 23rd. Let's hope for good weather again this year! Last year, it was gorgeous!

Individually, Pride month just means the obvious to us all. It's a month to stand together and stand a little prouder knowing we are not all alone. Even for those of you still deeply in the closet, the month can provide a beacon of hope for the future. After all, the world can change over the years. I am proof of that!

For this post, I have added one of my fave Pride month pictures from the days when I really started to live my authentic life as a trans woman.

Hopefully, you live around a town or community large enough you can get out and enjoy a Pride experience. Every year a new celebration shows up in a town around here.

Sunday!

Again, a week has gone by all too fast.

Friday night as I wrote about, Liz and I went out to meet the cross dresser - transgender group I am part of. All went well except for one person dressed in a skin tight ultra short mini dress. I was watching the reaction from other patrons in the otherwise straight venue. Predictably, there were a lot of unwanted glances. I will say though, most everyone else in the group does a great job in doing a feminine presentation.

We also made a new friend and fellow transgender vet. Krissy, I would like to welcome you into Cyrsti's Condo! Enjoy!

Saturday. Liz and I went to her karate class and then stopped to shop at one of our fave discount stores. The only point of interest was when one of the sales girls on the floor stopped to look me up and down before we settled into a brief uneventful conversation.

Also last week, I finally gathered enough courage to call the hair stylist who came to one of the support group meetings. I left a message for her to call me, let's see if she has enough courage to call back :).

Other than that, the week went on by in a hurry, complete with a visit to my vampire doctors at the VA.  As written previously, I didn't get to see the nurse who can't seem to stop calling me "he", so the usually slightly painful experience went better.

I hope your week went well and was productive.

Karaoke Night

Tonight is the night I go and hear others sing. Some well...some not so well...me not at all. Hopefully tonight I will get a chance to wear one of my new tops which I have showed you examples of here in Cyrsti's Condo. I am going to try the top with either my light weight leggings, or distressed jeans. (To match a few of the singers.)

I am hoping to catch the gossip on why one of the group's members lost her job. It's intriguing because she was fairly confident she wouldn't. Of course losing a job for the most part is never good and Connie has another take on the matter:

 FABULOUSCONNIEDEEMay 31, 2018 at 1:58 PM

"Even if ones job may be protected, by law, as it relates to her or his trans status, an employer can find some other reason to terminate employment. It may not be that the employer is averse, personally, but there could be a feeling that a trans person may not be as productive (especially, if the job involves dealing with the public). If nothing else, an employer may just want to eliminate the potential drama in the workplace. There is a lot of difference between being accepted, even supported, in ones transition on a personal level and how others see it when profits are considered.

Personally, I would not want to work for someone who had doubts about my ability to perform at a high level. Transitioning is difficult enough without having to always be feeling scrutinized by the boss. Beyond that, being MtF myself, I can attest to the lowered expectations and pay that women experience.

I've heard from other trans people who advocate securing a job before transitioning. I'll agree to that only if one were going into that job before really knowing that she or he would be transitioning. The decision to transition begins with being honest with oneself and her/his own gender identity. The next step is to be honest with others. I would much rather go into something as my genuine self, and to be accepted or rejected based on that honesty. For me, it's "what you see is what you get." Not to say that makes it easier to find employment, however, but I can start - and proceed - entirely based on who I am - not what I may be perceived to be."

Ohio is in the  process of beginning to protect LGBT employment but like you said, there are so many "gray" areas to consider. 

Thanks for the comment.