Cross Dressers and Wives

In many ways, this is an "equal time" post here in Cyrsti's Condo. It's for all of you who identify as cross dressers.   

Through Tasi Zuriak and an e-mail she passed along- I can pass along (no pun intended) news about a new feature in the Huffington Post. It's written by Terri Lee Ross and called How to Tell Your Wife you are a Cross dresser. Here is an excerpt:

"Conflicted over your cross-dressing habit, you try to make peace with it and quit attempting to figure out why you have this desire to wear woman's clothing. Your therapist says you are normal, so why can't you tell anyone about your desire to dress and let your femme self out for others to see? The one person you want to share your femme self with is your wife, the mother of your children, your best friend and partner in life.

Yet, you don't know how to tell her. You are afraid she will abandon you or look badly on your behavior, thinking it is a sexual fetish that she wants no part of, when dressing is something that you were born with and a part of you that is begging to be exposed.

According to Sister House, a popular site for cross-dressers, about 70% of their audience have expressed that they have told their wives. The other 30% are still hiding in the shadows wanting to come out and share their femme self."

Follow the link for the rest of a great post that I can certainly relate to. Of course my situation was different because I told my wife before we were married. Over the course of a 25 year marriage and before she departed this world-the problem with me was dishonesty.  As I began to come to grips with being transgender, I was dishonest with myself and her.  She always made it very clear if I wanted to live as a woman, that's cool but we would just part as friends. So I tried to have it both ways (or hide it) which didn't work.

Finally, I just have to be a little snarky and point out when you do talk to your spouse-very quickly into the conversation, add in "Relax dear, I'm not like Bruce Jenner."

The Thrill is Gone?

Since I am not allowed to call her "my co-blogger" Connie mentioned the passing of blues legend BB King :  " I've always thought that "The Thrill is Gone" could be an anthem for those of us who have given up the activity of cross dressing to become genuine in transition - 24/7. Being a transgender person certainly is accompanied by the blues, anyway." 

How true all of that is Connie!  I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo of the fireman I knew years ago who compared the thrill of cross dressing to going on a fire run. I of course don't know anything about that and need to mention she went on to complete SRS. So maybe the final thrill was on the operating table when she left to pursue a life as a woman? 

Seriously, the whole subject is one I struggled with for years. After all, it is much easier to get dolled up once or twice a week as a cross dresser than it is to go full time as a transgender woman. My only advice to those who are thinking they want to make the "jump" - get out there and try it on for size. It is the only way you can learn the true "nuances" of living in the feminine world. 

It worked for me and I never have looked back but as Connie said "being a transgender person certainly is accompanied by the blues!" R.I.P. BB King.

Bureaucratic B.S?

FINALLY- Yet another battle with the VA to get my bill for an outside provider (endocrinologist) paid was settled. My visit was in September of last year.

My problem was getting the VA to do the right thing.  By their own directives - they are supposed to provide me (pay for) an outside provider for a need they (VA) don't provide. As you can tell by the timing, I am relatively persistent. Also (and unfortunately) I am experienced in dealing with their (VA) system when they are dragging their heels about paying anything outside the system.

They did to me what I call "Ping Pong" . To get around it I went to my "ultimate weapon" called the "Patient Advocate", which I highly recommend if you are a trans vet and get caught in the system. (Do NOT get stuck in billing!!!) The woman in billing was quite satisfied telling me I was wrong and hell no they weren't paying. So, I had to keep going back to Advocate monthly to assure them my problem was not solved and I was not going away. Then, they bounced me from Dayton, Ohio to Omaha, Nebraska-who knew absolutely nothing about my case. Two months ago, I got a call from an unknown person who said my claim was to be paid-in 60 days. Really?

So yesterday, the long  unpaid doctors office wrote me a nice letter saying the VA finally paid. Plus, the other silver lining to all of this is (as I have written about here in Cyrsti's Condo) I now have an in house endocrinologist. The problem is, what is stable today could change tomorrow.

I will say though-everybody within the VA system to a person has been kind and caring to me. Plowing through the bureaucracy is the big problem.

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Ker Plunk! Good morning and another Sunday Edition of the Cyrsti's Condo has hit your virtual front porch! Our weather here in O-H-I-O is slightly overcast and muggy so summer is definitely on the way -so last get started!

Page One.- The Week that Was - or Wasn't:  During the past seven days or so, again we seem to be slowing down a bit from the barrage of publicity stemming from Bruce Jenner. My opinion has always been Jenner, Zoey Tur and the rest of the Hollywood crowd which show up on my doorstep on television are just a little too slippery for my liking. I have been surprised though how many civilians I have interacted with who don't think that way. So, that is what is most important. As it turns out, most of my week came from surprise input from the outside.

Page Two.-Back to College? I was completely surprised last week when Megan from Simmons College contacted me concerning contributing to their Trans*forming the Dialogue initiative this summer. First and foremost this means all of you will have a chance to contribute to questions such as what is OK to ask a transgender person or not. It is supposed to go live sometime in June. Plus, a little about Simmons College. Simmons is ONLY the third US women’s college to accept students who identify as transgender. Each time the gender barrier is broken down for transgender women anywhere it is huge. In the recent past, certain "women only" colleges have led the discrimination charge to bar us. I'm sure another question to add to their dialogue would be "what constitutes a woman?" It should be very interesting and you all will be the first to know when I learn more!

Page Three.- My Sisters in? : Page Two Continued: What does constitute a "woman"? How close or how far away are we transgender women from our generic sisters? The easy answer is there isn't one. The easy answer used by radical feminists is if you weren't born with a vagina, then you will never ever be a woman. Then there are the ever present radical transsexuals who believe somehow if you haven't or can't buy your own vagina-you too are the outside looking in. Then again (as always) there is a huge middle ground. The problem is it is an emotionally charged issue to be sure. But last week I took three ideas from Ginger Burr's Total Image Consultant's site which to me spoke deeply to my life as a transgender woman. Here is the post very simply called "Good Questions."

Page Four.- The Back Page: Well kids, it's time to go. somehow my old dog knows she has time for a walk mixed into her busy day. Sadly, the week to come will mark the end of another icon of my generation-the retirement of "David Letterman." I'm sure I will end up blaming and cussing the effect of my HRT hormones as I view the last show.
On a positive note though-have a GREAT week and thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo!

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Woman of the Day"

Our feature cover today is Francine Garcia (Arnold Clavio)

Trans Ohio and More

As always time is slipping away and just around the corner is the Trans Ohio Symposium May 29-31st and then many LGBT Pride celebrations. This year, I'm interested to see what (if any changes) will occur in the transgender community. What I mean is, will I notice any more transgender women than I have in the past? In the past (unless a trans woman had tons of passing privilege to the point of not setting off my Trans-dar) I have noticed damn few. On the other hand, the various other sub cultures in the LGBT were highly represented. From "super butch" lesbians (many tough to separate from trans men) to androgynous youth of both genders; as always trans women are a small representation.

The problem to me has been being once again compared with various drag queens entertaining for the day.

This year perhaps, the trans women will be a little more emboldened to step out from the closet and into a Pride event?

It can be a fun and enlightening time if you can!

The Big Three

First of all, I (Cyrsti) am participating in Trans*forming the Dialogue, Simmons College’s Online MSW Program’s campaign to promote an educational conversation about the transgender community. By participating in this campaign, I will be offering my perspective on what TO ask and what NOT to ask trans*people.

Unfortunately, these are all too easy to answer. Lets go into the NO questions:

Do Not ask a trans person about their sexual preference!!!! Number one sexulaty and gender are two different issues and

It's none of your business!!! As a point of reference, I have been asked about my gender preferences in a Doctor's office by male interns.

Do not ask me "how long have I been doing this" or "when did I know?"  As innocent as the question may seem,  Being transgender is not a choice. We were born this way.

Do Not Ask Me Have I had any surgeries? How could that possibly matter?

Do Not ask me how I became "so brave" to do this? Bravery is for first responders and military members, I am just doing what I had to do - to live
Do Not Ask Me: How it feels to be a woman. I only know how it feels to be me. It is you who are laying a gender "sticker" on me. Gender is only a mirror and I am showing you the reflection of the gender I want you to see.

Now- Do Ask Me:

What do I think of all the Transgender Dialogue these days?  I welcome any informal "educational" opportunities. Plus, people are seeing so much of us on television, they are curious to meet one of us "in person."

Is Society Changing? Yes, and it's always easy for me to explain why. 

About problems Transgender people of all types face in today's world as they transition. It's always amazing to me about how more people I meet who know or have a gender nonconforming person they know or in their family.

**Please note- this will be a continuing dialogue you all can participate in the very near future.  

Trans*forming the Dialogue!

 May 14 at 10:59 AM

Dear Cyrsti,

First and foremost I want to thank you for the incredible work you do for the transgender/gender non-conforming community. By sharing your story on Cyrsti's Condo, you are helping inspire countless others to find their voice and embrace their true identity.

I’m the marketing coordinator for Simmons College, the third US women’s college to accept students who identify as transgender. I am reaching out because we are embarking on an exciting initiative that aims to educate the masses on trans*lives.

This spring, we are launching Trans*forming the Dialogue. A campaign designed to shift the conversation away from the problematic questions that are often asked of the members transgender community and foster a more progressive dialogue. We are inviting bloggers like yourself to be a featured voice in this campaign.

Meghan

Of course (as I told Meghan) I was humbled and flattered to be considered for this project and of course I would participate!!!

The first three questions will be addressed in the next post.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot?

Remember "Pat Benatar?" Well, she is still very much in the music business and I saw her yesterday on one of the morning news shows.  She rocked the music world in the 80's with hard hitting rock sounds such as "Hit Me with You Best Shot."  To the left is Benatar and her long time husband Neil Giraldo. 

After all these years of singing, she has one of those deep gravely feminine voices I love so much. And for some reason, I was able to "channel" her when I went to my VA Doc yesterday.

First of all, it's normally really tough to judge the overall effects of HRT on your own body. I had not seen her (the Doc) for six months, so she was (happily) properly impressed with my changes. She also was quick to comment how much happier I seemed to be- which is true. 

Her next comment though extremely flattered and frustrated me at the same time. She said "My God! Have you been working with your voice?" Actually, no-I was just channeling Pat Benatar at the moment.  My voice just felt low, loose, feminine and all so sexy.  But!!!  Just as quickly when I try too hard with Pat-she deserts me-with that throaty laugh!

I'm working hard  Pat and will give it my best shot!