"Itty Bitty" World Comment

I loved this comment from J.AlanaS on the Cyrsti's Condo "Itty Bitty World" post:

I had a friend from grade school, who wanted us both to be on the cheer squad. When he suggested this, all I could think about was hoping we could wear the cheer skirts and pom-poms. So I said yes, but we were denied by the school board. Only a few short years later we moved away, then one day he contacted me via snail mail. I let that slip, but after Stana's post thought I'd try FB one more time, and there he was. He was the second from the youngest with all sisters, and always was the girls best friend, and mine too.


Indeed most of us knew "one of the boys" who was more "one of the girls".  Back in the day though, it was assumed all of them were gay although other things may have been going on.

Looking back, I grew up with the same kids who went to the same school-kindergarten through the 9th grade.  Our class size was 100 at the most. It wasn't until I moved on to a much bigger high school in the 10th grade I heard "rumors" about certain other boys.  So, I was very fortunate to have encountered another boy before that (at my age) at all who may have harbored any of the same gender dysphoria I was experiencing.

It's too bad, the school board wouldn't let you two on the "cheer squad!"  I understand.  Around here when I was growing up, there weren't even (and still aren't) any womanless pageants a prospective cross dresser could "play with".  Even though they are great fund raisers.

Where I live, If a young transgender person today was attempting to participate in a school function as their chosen gender and it was allowed with out a fight- I would feel the ground getting real cold -because hell was freezing over.

Cyrsti's Condo OOOOPPPS!

Just a little fun :)

Picture #1.-  Dammit Tom!  Forget the dress, I told you to stay the hell OUT of my eye makeup!







Picture #2.- Dammit Jim, get OUT of the Women's Dressing Room and LOSE the sign!



Picture #3

Hey son, come on down, you friends are here to go get beer and wings!

It's An "Itty Bitty" World

As I always do, in the morning I jump over to Femulate and get my Stana fix. Yesterday morning her lead post at first got my attention and then "riveted" me.

Over the years I think Stana has revisited the question of any of us having any reason to believe we had friends who possibly went on to be cross dressers,  transgender women or transgender men.  Then, Stana went on to write about her childhood friend Billy who went on to hint heavily about his affection for girl things. Follow this link to read the entire experience.

What got to me was that I too had a friend named Bill for a short time before he moved away , we were somewhere in the 14 year old category and lived in a very rural area.  During the summer before he moved we did "boy" things like "borrowing" his older brothers old Ford and driving it around the farm, plus we "tried" a couple of his Mom's cigarettes.  I can't tell you why, but cigarettes ended up not being all we "borrowed" from his Mom...on several occasions-we got into her makeup and clothes too.

I often wondered what would have happened if he had not moved three states away because his Mom didn't seem to mind we were playing in her clothes.  As in Stana's case, of course I too had tons of conflicting emotions.  On one hand I was learning to drive and smoke at 14 (never did continue to smoke thank the Goddess) but on the other, had another friend to share my shaky exploration of femininity.

I wouldn't see Bill again for at least 25 years and only for an hour then, so I have no idea of how much time he went on to spend as a girl.

Who knows, maybe I wasn't so alone after all -just another confused kid afraid to push it farther.  After Bill left, I fell into a group of kids who weren't in their Mom's makeup.Very simply, by doing so, I sold my feelings out to live a long lie and not get bullied in the process.

I also know, until I read Stana's experience, I had forgotten mine had occurred at all.

Cyrsti's Condo "Mud Roller"

Every so often, I dig back into my old high school days to find a term which was reserved for a few "special" girls in school-mudroller.  The literal meaning was she would have sex in the mud with you and was not used as a derogatory term. Rather one of "awe."

Here's my latest transgender "roller": She is Amelia Maltepe who was born into a strict Muslim family and now lives and models in Canada.

Trans Terf's in the Girl's Sandbox.

I read with interest today a blog post from whom I consider a "Trans-Terf" (Terf is a trans exclusionary radical feminist.) The person writing the post was transgender and right off the bat she excluded me (I hadn't transitioned long enough)? As I read on, then I understood why I was not worthy.  She said and I paraphrase- almost no one had the gender experiences she lived through (Really? Me thinks what she didn't lose in her transition was her male ego.)

Well OK! Now I understood!  First the woymn born woymn crowd excluded me because I wasn't born with the proper equipment between my legs.  First,  I lived my life for years as one of those evil male privileged humans who beat and slandered every genetic woman I could find. And now, here I was, trying to sneak into the hen house through the back door.

Shame on me!

Then, there was this person excluding me in almost the same way as the woymn born woymn crowd she purported to be against..Dammit! It seems I didn't have a store bought vagina to be admitted there either. Or even owned it long enough.

Seriously, in some what the same vein,  the one of my biggest fears around here in Cyrsti's Condo has always been climbing up on a slippery pedestal with the Trans Terfs and then proclaiming I'm better than any of the rest of you.  I'm not.

It doesn't matter to me if you are on HRT or not, or are even out of the closet or not!   I remember all too well the hell of being in the closet for at least 30 years and trying to play both sides of the gender street.  Plus, if the truth is known,  if the cards didn't fall the way they turned out-I may still be in the closet. Also, I went through at least another five years of non gender related hell to land on my feet...so I could come out.

It still doesn't make me a better person than any of you,  it just makes me a very determined survivor.

I have always thought though, that a lot of the bitter trans women who take me to task for my length of time as a transgender woman in the world, are jealous. They are jealous because the sun, the moon and stars aligned for me and now I'm having the time of my life. (I guess I wasn't supposed to?)

So if you ever notice I may be trying to climb up to that pedestal where the blessed Trans Terf's" live - just slap me the hell down!

Good Night "Lauren Bacall."

It seems as if I have been writing a series of obituaries this week here in Cyrsti's Condo.  First it was Robin Williams and now it's Lauren Bacall.

If you are not familiar with her, she was the sultry actress who teamed up with Humphrey Bogart on and off the screen.

One of our blog regulars Don, emailed today and mentioned her passing plus her voice.  Again, if you haven't ever heard her, she was famous for her low sexy tones...just an ideal voice for a transgender woman trying to find her way in the world-if you can do it.

Here's a description from the New York Times called "That Voice and the Woman Attached." :

"Bogey and Bacall"

Her voice comes at you low and flat, wildly insinuating, electric and lingering. In another age, Lauren Bacall’s voice might have been called mannish. When she opened her mouth in “To Have and Have Not” — taking a long drag on a cigarette while locking Humphrey Bogart in her gaze — she staked a claim on the screen and made an immortal Hollywood debut. But in 1944 at the exquisitely tender age of 19, she was also projecting an indelible screen persona: that of the tough, quick-witted American woman who could fight the good fight alongside her man.

Among other things, I'm a Turner Classic Movie Channel Addict.  When one of the big stars passes, they normally do 24 hours of their movies plus either an appearance on Johnny Carson or better yet a classic interview with Dick Cavett..  I can't wait to see it.

As Don said, modeling your voice after Bacall is a wonderful idea and capturing the essence of the woman is even better.

I will leave you with what many consider to be her most famous line (and mine too):

"You know you don't have to act with me, Steve. (Bogey) You don't have to say anything and you don't have to do anything. Not a thing. Oh, maybe just whistle. You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow," Bacall as Marie Browning in "To Have and Have Not."

She was 89 - quite the run!

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

When you think you are having a bad day...

Attitude Versus Appearance

It's no secret the number of times we have kicked around the idea of "attitude" versus "appearance" here in Cyrsti's Condo.

Your attitude as you begin to explore your femininity in the world in many ways ranks above how you look. My example goes back several years and continues to this day in one of the places I have been stopping at for adult beverages and sports. It's close to a big research air base and normally has it's share of 40 something groups of defense contractor/professional guys.  The bar itself is straight (not gay - no I meant the bar shape!) and seats approx 25.  Tuesday's are the big 2 dolla pint night.  Your choice on any of 30 different drafts-2 dolla, and the place is packed.

I learned years ago the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat of having to walk to the other end of the bar for a seat...through primarily men.  I went from being flat out laughed at at one end of the spectrum to guys just glazed over.  I always wondered what the glazed ones were thinking.  Largely now, I'm ignored except I did have two last night who followed my every move until I found a seat.  Moral to the story is, I learned to always keep my head up, and shoulders back to keep the human sharks in their place. Come hell or high water I just had to let the world know, I wasn't doing anything wrong.

While we are on the subject of attitude. Several posts ago, I re-posted one of my old woman less pageant  pictures of "Spencer".    Spencer was gorgeous to be sure but his attitude was just as amazing to me.

I also think some of these younger woman less  pageant contestants first time in drag was that night and two things happened...one, they were impressed on how well the mtf transformation worked and two.- the joke was on everyone else when they saw him.

Example on left.

The "A-Ha" Moment

One of the most frequent questions I get from "civilians"  is when did I know I was transgender.  Normally, they aren't prepared for the long version of the story, so to spare them the boring details, I go for the short version.

The "short" version is very simple.  I knew vaguely from the age of ten or so, there was something not matching up gender wise in my noggin.  I'm not even sure if the word "gender dysphoria" was even "invented" in the 1950's at all and certainly not in semi rural Ohio. Of course my gender issues caused me to work to present myself as a girl.

Civilians understand all of that.

I begin to lose them when I say cross dressing wasn't the answer.  Since many used to consider I was cross dressed when we talk. To the older civilians, explaining the 1960's and 70's is simple...I had even a bigger problem than gender dysphoria (and the lack of understanding .)- the spectre of the Vietnam War.

Somehow it still shocks people when I say I did serve my time in the US Army, played a little football,  did father a child and paid my dues to make it as a guy for 30 years or so.  Looking back I guess it shocks me too and I'm not sure how I made it.

Where I really lose almost all of the remaining civilians is when I tell them about five years ago, I accepted the fact for the first time in my life I am transgender.  

I tell them, yes, I was in my 60's before I had my "A-Ha" moment.

The good thing is today, the feminizing work of HRT on my body teamed with the seemingly weekly news another public person is coming out as transgender (Andreja Pejic, Lavern Cox, et all)- I'm not the celebrity I once was.

Yes, it's a wonderful feeling!