You Bought A "Girl's" Car?

I had two overused vehicles who served long and well. I say had because the second of the two said enough is enough. My drive to and from work is about 15 min each way on rural roads.
On the way home my transmission decided it's first gear was a waste of time. So there I was. A "trans" woman without a "trans" mission dressed as a guy on a country road.
To make a long story short, I coaxed the truck home and immediately started to worry how I was going to solve my transportation needs.
I  thought of a guy I have known for 20 plus years who sells used cars among other things. In fact, it was his Victorian mansion I went to the Halloween party the congressman and his wife were at. If you recall the post, both the politician and wife showed more than a little interest in me.
The next morning I headed to his used car lot and he showed me about eight or ten cars in my price range.
I walked the lot and kept coming back to a small SUV that somehow appealed to me; so much so I took it for a test drive.
I have owned many different cars and trucks over my life but somehow this little SUV was different.
Finally it came to me. This was a girls car. All of a sudden the whole feeling made so much sense. The whole experience was no different than being drawn subconsciously to "chick flicks", different music or even a mans eyes.
I did buy the SUV and drove it to work and the strangest thing happened. 
One of the women I work with and I share the same outspoken cynical sense of humor. She took a look at my new car and said (remember she doesn't know my female side) "You bought a girls car!"
My voice said "yes do you want to borrow it?" My mind thought "you don't know how right you are!"

Validation Void?

Of course you know my inner "drama queen" is working overtime thinking and rethinking  my life changes ahead.
One of her problems is the future reaction to a lack of a solid work experience.
Through out her life a a man, work provided him with validation. No different than most of the male gender.He thrived in pressure macho management situations.
It's no wonder (I guess) the past haunts her as she looks back.
Only time will tell how the validation factor will play out. Not so long ago just going out in public and being accepted as a woman was validation enough. Most certainly that will not be the case in the future.
When the drama queen quiets down, several very real fulfilling validation ideas should become realities.
The first is this blog itself. Since June of 2010 (and 670+ posts) this has become a labor of love. To be able to "pay forward" and help others in any way with my transgender life experiences is huge to me. Having more time to work on the blog and my book is a dream come true. I've even considered trying to do transgendered outreach programs.
On an intensely personal level I want to experience and grow my feminity with close friends and family. While it's true being publically validated as a woman is losing it's importance: being validated as a quality transgendered female person isn't.
Finally, time is growing short and the "queen" finally will be silenced!

The "Natural" Approach to Being Transgender

I'm basically worrying about all the little things as I start the serious transition process.
The same worry I experienced on my first date with a man.
Basically, I worried about remembering how to be a woman. How to sit, talk and communicate, you know the rest. You've been there. Each gender response is partially learned and partially genetic.
When I actually went on the date (and more) I found genetics took over for the most part. My natural inner girl took over as it she was there all time and probably was more than I knew!
As I remembered the process, the future looked immediately brighter!

New Link

Here is a link with more info and pix from Albany from my last post.

In Depth Transgender Stories From Albany

Lana White, 30. Served in the Air Force. Divorced father of two children, ages 7 and 11. Worked as a railroad dispatcher locally. Native of New Orleans, relocated recently from Albany to South Carolina.

"Being a transgender person is not a decision. It's who you are. Society puts certain constraints on us and I lived with people calling me gay and I lived in fear of being beat up or retaliated against. I hid it in the Air Force so I could keep my job. It's not a matter of putting on men's clothes or women's clothes. I am who I am.

Accepting: "I've dated men and women. I'll go to a football game with the guys and enjoy that experience. I also like to shop for women's clothes and makeup. I expected more problems when I moved to Albany, but this is a pretty accepting area. I don't broadcast it, but I'm pretty open with who I am. I've been accepted as a woman at the railroad. But if someone slips up and uses the male pronoun, I don't get upset.

Passing: "Everyone's journey is different. I've been on hormone therapy for three years. I spent time in counseling, but I don't need a shrink to tell me I'm a trans person. I've been passing as a woman. When I'm out in the world, it's just easier that I'm seen as a woman and I don't get any undesired attention. I haven't had surgery, but I find the question kind of personal. Have I asked about your genitals?

Read more: http://www.timesunion.com/local/article/I-hid-it-in-the-Air-Force-2341881.php#ixzz1fdCeSCxO

Admittedly, Lana looks very feminine and you probably are thinking "sure she would have an easier time."

Another person in the series presents a more realistic look at what many of us face.

Mary, 56.

Served in the Army in Germany. Retired police officer in suburban
Pittsburgh. Lives with wife, Betsy, a Presbyterian minister, in
Pennsylvania. The couple worked as missionaries in Africa. She has
been living full-time as a woman for nearly a year. She was in Albany
over the summer for a transgender conference.

"It was a long struggle for me denying who I was. I had a lot of fear
and guilt. I was threatened and beat up a lot when I was Barry and
starting to act like a girl in high school. I was shaving my legs and
the guys would chase me out of the boys' locker room and beat me up.

Cop anger: "Many years later, I started dressing occasionally as a
woman. People thought I was gay. My cop partner on the night shift
said he was going to kill me and pulled a gun on me when he found out.
I'm 6-foot-4 and 250 pounds and the other officers couldn't believe
this is who I am. I became very depressed and suicidal.

"I started dating Betsy and had no plans to tell her, but one day I
just blurted out that I liked to dress as a woman. I thought that
would be a deal-breaker. Amazingly, she said that was OK. She thought
I was a big guy with a feminine side. She found that sweet. She knew
my secret, but I couldn't keep it inside anymore.

Suicidal: "We went to Africa as missionaries for our church and I
started dressing as a woman in the house there, but it was very
dangerous. Betsy said I needed to get help. I started psychological
counseling in 2007. I became more and more depressed and made several
attempts at suicide. I had my service revolver in my mouth. I was
ready to jump from a bridge and my wife called me on my cellphone and
talked me down.

Trans support: "Last year's trans conference in Albany was the first
time I dressed as a woman in public. I was scared stiff and almost
didn't go. I turned my car around three times before I got the courage
to attend. A couple of trans women, Jenna and Lana, took me out on the
town in Albany. They were sweethearts. They made me realize I wasn't a
freak. I saw there were other people like me.

As always I try to just give you the highlights.  Follow the links to yet another informational set of articles by brave transgendered people!

So Little Time-So Much Thought

As my time grows ever closer to severing my ties with the most invasive male portion of my life, I find it harder and harder to stay focused on my job. My job is the only real part of my life I live as a male. It is until the first of the year...I am done. (Yes I do have a way to support myself.)
Here's an example from today.
I do have a circle of friends who know me in one of three ways-only as a guy, only as a girl or maybe both (rare). On occasion I communicate with them by text message. I'm the first to admit "texting" is not the greatest form of communication and I have been known to text my friends who only know my real self (girl) from my male job.
Here's my question. Do I text more as a guy when I'm working as one? Is that possible? I know what you are thinking "Cyrsti has too much time on her hands if she all she has to do is think of this?" Ironically I'm thinking of this while I am working!
The point is I do think my remaining maleness does creep into my texting and I am certain I go through "detox" when I come home from my job. Even my texting is different. I think.
Also, another interesting answer to a long standing question is coming soon.  What will be the most powerful influence on my life? Will the lack of a male "detox" period in my life or the effects of hormones have quickest effect. I'm sure many of you reading this have gone through the same process and have your own answer. I'm guessing you would tell me "detox" will have the biggest initial impact until the hormones begin to really take effect. Then again all of our results are highly personal and will vary.
One point is certain. No one should ever wish time away.  I'm trying hard not to wish part of this month away.  So far I haven't been very successful.

Say It "Ain't" So!

Sit down and prepared to be SHOCKED!

Khloe Kardashian is being sued by a transgender woman who claims Khloe
beat the crap out of her outside a Hollywood nightclub.

Chantal Spears -- also know as Ronald Spears -- claims on December 5,
2009, Khloe violently struck her "in and about her body," causing
serious injuries.

TMZ broke the story ... the incident occurred outside Playhouse
nightclub on Hollywood Blvd., after Chantal/Ronald allegedly walked up
to Lamar and told him he was "too young to be married."

I'm devastated! I will never watch trash television the same again!

Telling Others I'm Transgendered

I actually wanted to call this post "If I Knew Then What I Know Now."
Then I thought, I didn't know it then so who cares? It seems maybe I do.
Should I have come out to more people earlier in my life?
Compared to others, I guess I actually did. I've told all of you before both of my wives knew of my transgendered leanings. Indirectly both of them enabled me to learn more about my feminine side.
I compare the process to walking up to a sharp steep cliff.  Each step I took as a girl took me a little closer to that cliff. Deep down I knew once I jumped there would be no return.
Or so I thought.
For most of my life, the thought actually scared me. Sure I loved the feminine existence I was learning but I also wasn't sure I could live it full time.
So I waited and sometimes put myself and my loved ones through hell. They were better humans than I.  On occasion they helped me, sympathized with me and even shamed me into making a decision I just couldn't make.
Until now.
Right or wrong I rationalize not telling others more earlier in my life or accepting the reality of a feminine existence because I still valued my male life.
Every time I crept closer to the cliff and looked over, he kept pulling me back.
What he never counted on was the incredible strength and endurance of the woman he was fighting.
As she looks back at him and jumps off the cliff, she just smiles and says you could have saved so many so much suffering.
If only I knew then what I know now.....

And...Speaking of Lea T...

She just landed her first major magazine cover.