Such A Geek!

OK, you can make fun of me now. I'm such a geek.
This morning it was cold in my house and I was wearing a cozy fleece top I had to change. The change included my bra.
Instead of going topless in a cold house...it was time to conquer another female mystery. It was time to take off my bra without removing my shirt. 
During my adolescent years, just getting the bra off a girl was a superhuman experience.  First of all, she had to agree to the move and then I had to negotiate the fasteners on the back. Keep in mind, this was after I had bras of my own!
Topping that though, was the absolute magical experience when a girl would take off her bra without removing her shirt! How did that work?
Until this morning, I had no idea.  Now, as I found how easy a task it is, I feel so naive and maybe a little sad.
The whole maneuver  has joined the women's rest room as another mystery solved. Yes genetic females have many intangibles but restrooms and bra removals are not the top of the list.
Now, I feel a little sad, a little satisfied and a little geekish. After all, sometimes it nice to still have a mystery or two!

Transition/Transition

Certainly we have followed similar paths to where we are today. More than likely, the young trans girl today faces many of the same obstacles as  many of us did years ago. The only true difference is the influence of the Internet. Certainly the younger girl today does not feel the isolation of her older sisters.  That in itself though doesn't solve all the problems she faces.
"Transition/Transition " is a brief look at the milestones we face as "T-girls".
Number one is the discovery we have a special attraction for the other gender. A real attraction, we want to be them. Closely following this discovery comes confusion, frustration and denial.
Number two is the action mode. In this mode, the overwhelming desire to act on the discovery results in borrowing Mom's or sisters clothes. The majority of the time this is of a sexual nature. Sexual or not, the compulsion to become the alternate gender is powerful.
Number three is getting in that closet and slamming the door.  No one needs to know of your weakness! It will go away.
Number four is forcing the demons out of your life. Surely if you are the most macho guy or the best athlete, you can forget this ever happened.
Number five is failure.  All the years of trying to be the "alpha" male has gotten you absolutely nowhere.  Many times you have now gained a wife and family who you feel would never understand. Many feel you have deceived them. This reaction could be unfair.  You didn't know the "depth" of your feelings and you were doing the "male" thing by fighting them.
Number six is desperation. The sneaking starts. You could be contacting transgirls on the web,  going on "business" trips as a girl or any number of other activities but all of it still is just a cover up of the real problem.
Number seven is fixing the problem. This could be as severe as suicide or as drastic as going all the way and living as a girl. Something had to give.
Number eight is the future. Hopefully you didn't try to harm yourself and you accepted yourself as a female.
This all has been a very simplistic look at the factors we face as trans.
In my case I wish the crystal ball had been a little clearer.  I would have listened a little closer to that first person that told me I made a better girl.

Copasetic?

What the heck is that? Sounds like some sort of medicine my Mom used to force down me when I was a kid.
By definition "copacetic"  means all is satisfactory or is fine.
My personality equates that with being in a rut.
What did the famous philosopher Randy "Macho Man" Savage say? If you are not living on the edge, you are taking up too much space?
When I feel too natural as a girl, does it take the edge away?
Yes and no.
"Back in the day", each step out the door was an adventure. The adrenalin was flowing. Would I be be busted or be the fairest of them all?
Over the years much ( if not all ) of that has subsided. The rush is now a warm satisfaction.  Is it good? Sure...but every now and then I miss the good old days!

Info Overload!

Perhaps you've seen one of both of these articles. One comes from the "New York Times" and is an overall look at the seeming explosion of "trans" activity. If you haven't heard of "Candy" Magazine read about it here. It's awesome!

Luis Venegas, Editor "Candy"

The other is a very complex look at "transphobia" from a site called "QT". Be warned if you are interested, factor in a lot of time!
Yet another focus comes from a totally different angle.  I read "Blogher" on occasion to see what genetic girls are thinking. The site has a feature called "Own Your Beauty". It gives incredible insight into what women think of beauty and why you feel the way you do.

My  point is how varied the entire transgender topic is.
Hopefully you will be able to discover or learn from one or more of these sites!
Cyrsti

A Note for the G-Girls.

I discovered by accident that I had never included this post on "Hub Pages" here on the blog. I probably didn't because the post is directed at the genetic female spouses and friends of trans girls. All of the sudden, it has become one of my most popular posts so here it is.

Love Hurts!

I can only imagine your range of emotions when that man of yours comes to you or worse yet is discovered by you in your clothes. I've been there and it is a no win situation.
Why? Confusion, emotion and information get in the way.
Both of you are confused. Unless you are the rare individual who has met or has read about a transgendered person, you have no idea what you are dealing with. Is he gay? Does he want to run off and get a sex change? What is the family going to think? Was it you who caused this? Are you less of a female?
Chances are he is confused too. The most common theme from transgendered men I've met is many are not sure of the extent of their female desires. They only know it has been with them since early childhood. The only fact you can probably be certain of-he is not gay. Most of us aren't. Kind of. More on that later.
Unfortunately, emotion dominates where confusion reigns. Your first reaction is why did he lie to you? Being dishonest is much worse than wearing your clothes. Here are two reasons why he didn't "exactly" lie to you. (Man reason, sorry!) The most prevalent problem is he didn't know all of feelings he had. If you research the transgender subject, you will find a wide range of definitions. If you are in the transgender life you know there are so many more. Believe me, he may not know how much a part of him this is. I didn't and it can easily change.
The second issue is an extension of the first. He thought a relationship, a wife and family would solve the problem. At least he hoped it would!
At this point of time, you could care less! Your life as you know it has changed forever. Or has it?
Yes it has. Regardless of the many stories of couples working their way through gender obstacles successfully, many just don't. One major fact is this WON'T go away. No matter what he says.
If you make it past this point and the dust settles, you could find a gentler and kinder spouse with the pressure off. However, you could find much more neither of you expected. After all you didn't ask for or want a new sister or girlfriend.
None of this makes you less of a woman. It makes him less of a man.At one point in time he loved you enough to try to eliminate the girl part of his personality. He hoped the woman in you would be more important than the one in him.He was doing the right thing for the wrong reason. Doing away with the girl inside was impossible. You couldn't win so you have to get past this. It was a lose/lose proposition. By the way though, both of him may still adore you!
Let's say you stayed away from him for a couple days, weeks or even months. It's tough on you because it's not an easy subject to bring up with a parent or your best girlfriend. The only easy answer is to separate and that is not always the best solution. The guy you fell in love with is still in there. No matter what he looks like.
You decide the best solution is to talk and it is. With all the upheaval of the first announcement, the new session could be quite different. As in any discussion of the unknown there are problems to be aware of. Here are a few.
If he says he won't do "it" anymore. He's not telling the truth. No one knows what causes transgender behavior or how to stop it. Here's what happens. He finds a better way to sneak around behind you. Beware of storage sheds you never visit. Worse yet is when he transfers his desires. It happens when he actively contacts or wants to be with transgendered girls. Believe me it happens to me all the time. The excuse? I used to dress, I can't anymore so can I see you? (No! I don't do that) It's no worse than "my wife doesn't understand me"! His intent is looking for another woman who isn't one. That brings up the gay question again. You know the answer as well as I do. If it is a guy under that attractive female, she really is a he. All of that is another problem all together and one we are not really discussing here.
What if he tells you the truth as he knows it? Gives you all the details of wanting to be a girl.This is where you really have to soul search and decide if you want to stay together. Before you consider "giving in" here, he needs to tell you he can't stop. Make him give you his plan on the three of you living together. You also need to see him as a woman. (If you haven't already) Why? When you see "her" your decision could be easier or much harder.
Most of us look like "guys in a dress".That's fine and usually are men who love the feel of the clothes, makeup and hair. You are probably dealing with the low end of the transgender spectrum and easier to understand and deal with. Remember, non of this is evil! Your thought could be "involving me is"!
If your man doesn't look like a guy in a dress, you are dealing with a whole different set of problems. Is he attractive or even beautiful? He didn't become that way overnight. You know as well as anyone the work it takes to maintain a look, not to mention the money. A minimum of three scenarios come to mind here. First and foremost, are you threatened by what you see? You don't need that bitch in your house! Secondly, this person will need time and space to maintain her persona. Last but certainly not least, this girl has the most potential to move to the next level of full time life as a woman.
These are not hard and fast rules of course and you might be enamored with the attractive form of your man. It is truly a lifestyle change to have another friend you can shop with, share girl stuff with and be friends. I have seen it happen! You have to experience all of this to help to help in your decision. Your feminine skills will tell you how comfortable "she" is in meeting you. Naturally "she" will be nervous, but how well does she carry herself a a woman? This all helps you to decide how deep this runs. No matter what he tells you.
Your eyes won't deceive you, but you still need to be careful. My two wives knew of my transgender leanings before marriage, but not how deep they ran. I didn't! In my younger years making myself into an attractive girl was a powerful aphrodisiac.The more I was successful as a girl, the more I wanted to be one. During twenty five years I grew from being a weekend cross dresser to living much of my life as a girl. It was very tough on my relationships.
The next important step in your decision is finding as much real information as you can. Here are some tips. It is not as easy as it may seem!
If you "Google" transgender, transvestite or transsexual, you will be overwhelmed with everything from psychological theories you can't understand to porno. Look for groups that offer spousal advice. If you would like to take it farther, you could even join some groups and really catch what is going on. If you contact me I have a couple of suggestions.
In fairness, all information is just that-information and these groups may offer little similarity to what your relationship is going through.
Through two marriages and quite of bit of living, what I've written here is only one view of transgender life from one that has lived it. Here is my disclaimer. I'm far from a shrink but I do live on both sides of the gender line. I'm widowed from a 25 year marriage. All of this is just my view!
Over the years however, I've learned from brutal mistakes and many successes.I been so fortunate to be around people how loved me for what I am!
I hope life treats you as fairly as it has treated me! Good luck down a VERY difficult path.

Out and About

On the web!
Just a couple things to pass along.
I have been envious forever when I see a girl's skill in high heels. From dancing to working some can make it look sooo easy.  In my area of the world, it was cold last night. Wind chills down into the teens with a light blowing snow. Of course in the middle of all of this I had to go to the store and saw a woman in her stiletto heels. She was effortlessly navigating a rather slick floor. I was dazzled.
Just when I elevated walking in heels to a mystical level, I read a post in "Fashionista"  promoting "throw away" flats. The article went on to say the shoes were a girls answer to taking a fall on subway steps! My image of the perfect female domination of the sky high heel was shattered! Do you mean other girls get a heel stuck in a floor seam in a mall? Do you mean they twist ankles and look totally embarrassing at times? I felt instantly better! (and evil!)
Seriously, I know heels are a matter of practice and fit. Every once in a while though, it's nice to know other members of the "club" have the same problems!
Now, we all know the "club" is definitely the higher maintenance gender. In order to maintain my "Cougar Membership" (LoL) I'm always on the search for the miracle skin cream I can afford. One of the people I follow on "Hub Pages" wrote an interesting post on a new "miracle" wrinkle cream. "Nell Rose" is an interesting read from a number of different angles. Her husband came out as a trans girl and I first read her posts about the experience. If you follow the link, I believe you can read it too!
Finally, yesterday proved to be an exciting day.
Once again my car overheated on a busy interstate.  Limped it in to a service station and then the battery ran down.  The whole tow truck experience was an unneeded classic. Karma came to rescue me though with a nice hookup with a  great guy later in the evening!
I will pass along more about the car experience later!

The Girl with the Kaleidoscope Eyes

As I came home last night, I was pleasantly surprised to see the "BBC" was  airing a special about "John Lennon".Little did I know how special the show would become!
As I sat and watched, a girl from one of the Beatle songs appeared. Then magically,. "The girl with the kaleidoscope eyes." came into the room.  Her long hair was tied back with a colorful headband. A short colorful shirt revealed 3 or 4 inches of bare tummy. A long chain with a peace sign seemed to drop to her worn bell bottomed jeans.
Not only did I want to know her, I wanted to be like her. One of the hippie girls, long hair flowing and bell bottom jeans dragging the ground.  The girls in the mini's were impressive enough but I identified with the peace sign girls..tie dye shirts, beads and all.
As the show continued, Lennon's "Imagine" played. The girl was gone and I remembered how my heart ached as I flew across the world to a war I didn't believe in I watched the sunset from the plane's windows as Lennon's "Imagine" played on my headsets.  I thought...if I was her, I wouldn't have to go.
I realized quickly, those years made me the girl I am today.  I understand a little more now why you will rarely see me in a skirt let alone a dress.
How odd it feels to think I'm still the protest girl.  The one that rather hang out with a group rather than one close girlfriend.  Even odder is the thought that I might have been better at hanging out with the guys as a girl? Does all of this mean that all those years trying to be the "alpha" male were wasted.
No. One can only learn from the past not relive it. What is done is done.
So now I can explain why I'm the person I am. While it's true my inner girl was born many years earlier, she experienced the greatest personal growth years later.
This is no huge revelation, we all do it.  The bigger revelation is that the kaleidoscope girl opened my eyes to my past and I listened.

Red Head Hall of Fame!

http://www.covergirl.com/This picture comes from the "Gossip Gurl" link.
Just amazing Cheekbones!

Was she born with them...or is it "Covergirl"?

A Merry Christmas From Kohl's?

Akasha Adonis

By now you have probably heard of the transgender attack at a Kohl's store in Tennessee. "Akasha Adonis" Black Friday shopping was turned ugly when she was attacked by a fellow shopper.
Regardless of the facts of the case, the whole ordeal brings reality to the possible danger we face as trans girls.
I know I live in my own little version of "Oz". If someone notices who I really am (a gender mix), they certainly wouldn't get violent? Right? Wrong!
I really need to add the pepper spray to my purse.  Real girls do it,so I should too.
I'm "sly" enough to carry feminine hygiene products, but dumb enough to not carry protection?
My experience with "Kohl's" stores are they are primarily located in "safe" mall areas. My assumption is that any of us would feel safe there
The "Akasha" story just brings a certain sort of stark reality back to the situation. Certainly life would be simpler in a more liberal setting like San Fransisco as compared to a small town in Tennessee. However, in either locale it still takes only once person to turn your life upside down.
I guess this week I'll put off buying that necklace I love and purchase pepper spray. Sad!