Trans Girl Shopping

 

Image from Sam Headland on UnSplash.

Many Christmases ago, in the early two thousand's I began to do most of my special gift shopping for my second wife as a transgender woman. Needless to say, I learned a lot. 

My wife was a huge gardener, so greenhouses and specialty garden stores were my first places to go to if I was to ever find the special gift, I was looking for. To find the best selections, I normally made the hour trip to Columbus, Ohio which had bigger greenhouses and even a specialty garden store in one of their upscale malls. Since at that time, I had a reasonable amount of spendable income, almost nothing was out of reach for me as a gift for her. 

Normally, I made the trip during the day and wore professional women's business attire. My hope was I could present well as a woman just on her lunch break shopping for last minute gifts. Even though, I was beginning to feel more and more at home as a woman in the world. Still, I felt I needed to work hard to be able to present the best I could as a transgender woman to avoid detection. Seeing as how I was knocking out two birds with one stone, I needed to do it well. 

I should not have worried because one way or another I was treated warmly by more than a few of the clerks I faced and at the worse with indifference by others. I found the older clerks were more apt to help me and the younger ones left me on my own to shop. Even being left alone was alright with me because I was so intensely trying to find just the right gift for my wife who did not know it was my feminine self-doing almost all her shopping. Along the way, I found all sorts of unique gifts from new garden tools all the way to vintage seed boxes in antique malls. Which is a different story for another blog post which I will write before Christmas. 

Perhaps you are wondering what I wore for these new yet scary shopping adventures I was on. Depending upon which mall I was going to, I attempted to scale up or back on my outfit so I would not appear out of place. At that time, Columbus featured two very upscale malls, and I could not miss out blending in by dressing in my finest silky black pant suit, blond wig, and heels along with my very best application of makeup. All my efforts worked well as nearly everyone ignored me, except a few men. 

Since I was being successful in my transgender womanhood, and I was able to be out in the public's eye for an extended period of time, I decided to push my boundaries and stop to eat and use the lady's room. Both were a challenge for me since I had rarely done it before. I gathered my courage and stepped into one of the sit-down restaurants in the mall and just took a seat at the bar to eat. Sure, I was scared of having any one-on-one communication with the public but on the other hand, I was so successful so far in the day, why not push my luck. 

It turned out all my fears were unfounded as I was treated well in the venue I chose and the only problem I had in the restroom was navigating my way around using the toilet in my pantsuit. I did not think far enough ahead when I chose my outfit for the day and put fashion ahead of rest room utility. Fortunately, I was able to complete my struggles successfully, take care of business and leave the lady's room before anyone else came in. 

I finished the day of trans girl shopping as a very successful experience with the added positives of finding great gifts for my wife. I could not wait to do it again.

NOT for Entertainment Only

 

Image from Alice Alinari
on UnSplash

As I went along my path to transgender womanhood, I found the journey was never a choice and was not for entertainment only.

My journey did not begin that way. Similar to many of you, I started by exploring my mom's underwear drawer and wearing what would fit. All of that was seemingly innocent enough unless I was caught. Then there would undoubtedly be hell to pay, along with a trip to a psychiatrist. Later I would wonder if my mom ever knew because her underwear was stretched out, but she never approached me at all. 

It was all fun and games until it wasn't. Slowly, I learned wearing girls/women's clothes was not for entertainment only. I was becoming increasingly serious about it. For the first time in my life, I was obsessing over how I looked. How was my makeup and very limited access to a wardrobe appearing in the mirror. I even went as far as shaving my legs when I thought I could get away with it. In addition, I did my best to study the other girls around me. I did not know it then, but I probably was wearing makeup before a few of the girls I knew were allowed to do it. At the time when I could not seem to muster the same passion for building the model cars I had and painting them well, makeup was an entirely different challenge and one I could not resist doing my absolute best at doing well. With no help whatsoever. 

I found, for the first time in my life, I was completely serious about doing one thing and it was being a girl. Not just looking like one. It took me years to learn just gazing at my reflection cross dressed as a feminine person was just not enough. I needed more. My problem was early on was having the budget to do anything such as being able to afford having a nice wig. It was not until my college days until I could buy a long blond wig I cherished for years. Spending all the money on one specific fashion accessory proved my passion to look good was not for entertainment only. I was really serious.

Of course, then I really started to step up my gender game. When I was released from my military service, I began to seriously explore the world as the feminine trans woman I was destined to become. As I write about often, my journey was filled with ups and downs and my mental health suffered. Definitely not the way I thought it would be when I looked at myself dressed as a girl in the mirror early in my life. What I never had a chance to consider was I was not a transvestite or cross dresser at all. In fact, I was a transgender woman and needed to accept it. I was never in it for the entertainment and my life depended on a successful outcome. 

What I mean is, I needed to stop all the self-destructive behavior I was exhibiting as I sought to destroy everything successful, I had ever done. Along the way, I had tried to lose jobs, drink too much all the way to trying to kill myself with pills. Never realizing how much I had to live for if only I followed my transgender path far enough. 

I wonder now, if I had realized how difficult my journey would be and not be entertaining would I have ever undertaken it at all. I also realize now, I never had a choice, and my life would have been better had I realized it sooner. I would love to get back just a tiny portion of the stress and tension I lost during my life as I worried about my gender. Outside of a few therapists who tried to help me by telling me the truth about myself, I was on my own. My life was never for entertainment only as I followed a gender path full of turns and dead ends before I discovered my truth in my transgender womanhood. 

Christmas Lights and the Trans Girl

 

Clifton Mill's Holiday Lights.

When I was first exploring the world as a novice transgender woman, I set up a small bucket list of activities I wanted to explore. 

As Christmas approached every year, my second wife and I made it a tradition to explore a wonderful Christmas light display at a restored grist mill near our hometown. The more I was successful in my presentation as a trans woman, the more I wanted to experience the lights as my feminine self. Since I knew my wife would be completely against any idea of us going as women to the display, I knew I would have to do it on my own. If, at all. It got to the point if I could not go as me, I did not care to go at all. So, I changed it all one night. 

To accomplish my dream, first I needed to find the proper time to do it. At the time, my wife worked in retail and was working many nights so all I needed to do was find the night she was working, and I was not. Once I established when I could go, then I needed to make all the important decisions on what I was going to wear. Since I live in a winter climate and would have to spend quite a bit of time outside, many of my fashion choices were easy. 

For the evening, I chose one of my favorites, a warm, and soft sweater, paired up with my fleece lined leggings and low-heeled boots. Suitable for long walks in the cold weather. To really stay warm, I wore my full-length wool coat, and I was ready for what I hoped would be a fun evening. Of course, before I left, I did my makeup and put on my favorite blond wig and headed for the car. I was lucky and weather was on my side. The evening was crystal clear and just cold enough to be winter. 

The Clifton Mill's holiday display is very popular, and I knew parking spaces would not be easy to find so I took my time to find the best one I could. It gave me time to calm down as my expectations of having a fun time were at an all-time high. What differences would there possibly be between experiencing the lights as a guy versus as a transgender woman? Very quickly I was going to find out. 

Since the actual mill is in a very small village, I found several of the other shops were open and selling hot chocolate. I felt buying a warm beverage would help me to see how well I would be accepted the entire evening. As I stood in line to order, no one noticed the tall blond ordering a hot drink and in fact the server was even nice to me. So, I left encouraged and thankfully, a little warmer as I continued my walk to the mill itself. Since the real crowd was ahead of me, my challenge still had not been met. 

Once I paid to enter and went into the mill itself, I began to relax and enjoy myself. No longer was I on high alert for a bigot making fun of me. I was able to enjoy all the lights and attractions better than I ever had before. Most likely because I was finally having the chance to enjoy my time as my authentic self without the constant worry about how it would be to do so. My confidence in myself to present well as a woman came through and all too soon, my time was growing short, and I needed to return to my old boring male life.

However, checking off the Clifton Mill's Christmas display from my transgender woman bucket list was well worth the time and effort I put into it. The next step would be to enjoy it with another person which sadly never happened. Due to my mobility issues and me moving away from the area where the mill is located, my current wife Liz and I have never been back, and my wife back then passed away.

Changing the subject just a bit (or a lot) my Alzheimer's diversity council lunch turned out to be a girl's day out and was fun. It is always nice to be around other gender affirming women as I was the other day. I hope to do it again soon.