Then I Went and Did It!

 

Trans Girl image from
Alexander Grey on 
UnSplash.

I played around for nearly a half a century being a very serious cross dresser. Sounds like a long time, doesn't it!

It was while I was doing it but now it seems like it was a blur. Most of it started with all the problems of sneaking around my home when I was growing up. I needed to use a ton of creativity to hide my cross dressing itself and not to mention the clothes I had accumulated. Somehow, I managed to do it all. Who knows, maybe it all made me a better person? I doubt it but at the least, the process helped me to be more creative with my life.

As I progressed slowly with my makeup art and improving my women's fashion choices by going to thrift stores, I found out I could do more. Then I went and did it by going out and testing the public's reaction to me as a novice transgender woman or at the least a skilled cross dresser. I found, the more I did it, the more successful I was and I felt so natural. To me, feeling natural was the best way I knew I was on the correct gender path and I wanted to keep going. Plus, feeling natural, gave me the confidence I needed to always push my gender envelope and try to do more and more. I even changed the way I viewed my Halloween costumes I was choosing. I started to go away from my trashy woman's look and then tried for a more realistic approach. I searched my brain for ideas which allowed me to try to present as a cis-woman at a Halloween party. Again, I went and did it when I succeeded at two parties where I was actually mistaken for a woman. Which in fact I was just learning I was.

By this time, it was too late to turn back and ignore my gender dreams. I was having so much success building a new life as a transgender woman, I just couldn't turn back. Even my sexuality was not a problem when I began to attract more attention from cis-women than I ever had as a man. I was validating myself as my own type of woman through my years of femininization and it felt so right. Then, I went and did it and jumped into the girl's sandbox and after a few bruises was successful. The claw marks I received on my back I felt were all learning experiences and I stayed and eventually held my own. 

All of this led me to my next transgender step of researching the possibility of beginning gender affirming hormones. Then I went and finally did by making my first appointment with a doctor who I heard would prescribe the hormones if a person was healthy. Thank the Goddess I was and the fun started. Like so many others, I needed to begin my hormonal journey on minimal dose of medication until my doctor and I could see how my body reacted. As it turned out, my body took to the new feminization hormones the way I hoped it would. It was like a big I told you so as my body changed. Inside and out. I needed all the help I could get in the appearance department and I was overjoyed when my facial angles softened and my hair quickly grew to a point where wigs became a part of my past. Luckily, my family history had no male pattern baldness for me to deal with. 

Since my overall appearance was becoming highly androgynous, I was loving it, I decided to give up on what was left of my old male life. I was to the point where none of my male shirts fit my breasts anymore, so rather than buy new bigger ones, I decided to go and do it. Give away what was left of my male clothes and live fulltime as a woman, transgender or not I was ready for the world. 

Since I had taken my time to make certain my gender decision was the correct one, I had no problems of never looking back. Many times now, I wish I had the courage to do it sooner and not have to worry about so many then I went and did its. 

Gender Puzzles

Image from Norbu Gyachaung 
on UnSplash

At what age can we act as if we understand our gender issues or dysphoria? Or will it forever be a big gender puzzle.

I suppose I can say, I never really understood exactly why something clicked with me the first time I tried on my Mom's clothes. The whole process caused me to finally understand I put so much into a process of dreaming of a feminine life which turned out to be so big, yet so small. The big view of course was having the success to go forth and conquer a sometimes negative world who was not used to gender explorers. The small view was thinking of all the pieces of the puzzle which allowed me to break out and break free in the world as a transgender woman. Just trying to remember all the facets of living as I do right now sometimes is very intimidating to me. 

Often, I just have to go back to pieces of the gender puzzle I was able to piece together so I could get a glimpse of how the final picture may look like.  I should have saved my energy since I am still putting together the puzzle. Since I don't have the patience for puzzles anyhow, it never mattered to me.  Through it all, the key word was outrageous since I never knew exactly what I was ever doing as I blindly followed my gender dreams. First I had to learn to not be outrageous in my dress and fashion and dress to blend with other women in the public's eye. Not what I thought I looked good as. I could also not be overstated or outrageous in how I acted. Again not to invite unwanted attention to myself. As a male I never liked crowds, so I had to learn all over how to conquer all my fears when I was out in the world with all my male/white privileges stripped away from me. So, outrageous to me at that time in my life was knowing I could indeed make it in the public's eye as a transgender woman.

Then I was back to the damn puzzle. It seemed when I was successful at piecing together one piece of the gender puzzle, I just could not figure out the next piece. Just when I thought I had made it, I was rudely awakened by a gender bigot telling me how much farther I had to go. My biggest example was the night when my wife Liz and I were at an lesbian Valentines Party. At one point, Liz left me alone for a couple of minutes to go get something to eat and in that brief time a lesbian TERF attacked me. She rudely asked me what my "real name" was and was extremely hard to dissuade from attacking me any further until Liz came back to save me. It taught me how far I still had to go in life since I essentially "raised" around accepting lesbians and was naïve when I was confronted.  I found in my new life I was young again and never too experienced to learn.

I was fortunate to finally having the basic resources to piece my life's puzzle together. I learned I could step into the feminine universe briefly then make my way into the larger universe of women eventually. All the nights with friends at the diverse mixer/parties I went to in Columbus, Ohio helped me to see and interact with all levels of the transgender and LGBTQ communities. By doing so, I learned where I belonged with my ongoing puzzle issues. I just knew I was excited often with how my journey was progressing. The problem I was soon experiencing was one which many other of you trans women have. What to do concerning  an unaccepting spouse. Sadly, too many marriages reach the end of the line when the gender rock meets the hard place with a trans spouse when the pressure becomes unbearable.

For the first time in my life, I had to have the patience and resilience to put my gender puzzle together. Now I am down to the final pieces as I reach the final stages of my life. All I can hope for is to pass on to the other side as painless as possible and I hope you are as successful with your gender puzzle as I managed to be. 

Strong Women Role Models

Hand Beaded Transgender Hair
Barret from Liz T Designs on
Etsy 

 I am speculating most transgender women or even trans men have experienced at least one or more strong women in their lives.

For any number of reasons, women have been forced to be strong and carry the load for weak men. For many, their first entrance into true womanhood comes with having children. With current economic conditions the way they are, the days of the old fifties version of Mom staying home to raise the kids and take care of the house is long gone. To barely make it financially, both partners have to work.

Problems then arise when the man still wants to follow the old outdated male standards of doing very little around the house to help out. 

By now, you may be asking what does this have anything to do with being a transgender woman. With me, at least, it means a lot. My Mom worked out a deal with my Dad in the sixties. If she went back to work as a school teacher and used her college degree, my Dad would help her out with hiring a part-time housekeeper. Even with the help, Mom had a lot to do with two sons in a very male orientated family. Even though I admired my Dad for being a self made man coming out of the Great Depression and WWII, I had more on hands experience with my Mom who was very headstrong. Who knows, maybe that influence with her had more to do with me being transgender than anything else. Later I was to learn my gender issues ran deeper than one person outside of myself.

Even so, I still searched for the perfect woman to model myself after. I wanted to appear as the confident women in the world I saw moving around in their lives. The older I became, the more I learned the perfect woman did not exist and many women were hurting themselves attempting the be a successful person in the world as well as on the home front. Not to mention, the overwhelming problem of appearance. Until recent times, aging has not been kind to most women who among other things suffer from extended menopause. 

All of these factors contribute to why I have such a high opinion of strong women and how I think the world is changing quickly as many more young women seize the new opportunities in the world around them while young men play video games. 

With all the changes, it is important to figure out how a transgender woman can fit in at all. Certainly, we have to be a better woman to do it at all. Which means understanding all the layers of a woman's life. That is once of the reasons some women resist letting trans women play in the girls sandbox at all. As my second wife always told me in no uncertain terms, I needed to earn my way in. Maybe that is why I never considered her a strong woman role model for me at all. My Mom on the other hand, was a strong role model for me. From how she applied her makeup to how she battled me for my future, I appreciated all she did for me. Including of course, birthing me. She remained my role model even though she rejected me when I came out as a transvestite to her. She immediately said she would pay for a psychiatrist which I rejected. Since I didn't have a mental health problem because of my gender issues. 

We never mentioned my desire to change my gender the rest of her life but even so I decided to adopt her first name as my legal middle name when I transitioned and legally changed my name. It was the biggest honor I could think of for all the things she did for me. The most relevant thing she did for me was to show me what a strong woman was and how to be one. A trait I would really need as I followed all the ups and downs of following a new gender path.

It is ironic to me, the strongest women I know like Liz or Kim have very little idea of how much they have helped me along and the most frustrating part is I don't think I can ever repay what they have done for me. 

Who knows? You might be an offspring of the very few strong women like my daughter. She had to became an ally for her trans child and was then able to take advantage of helping her child at an early age. Maybe your Mom realized your authentic gender self and became an ally rather than the cruel opposite.  If you didn't, you were forced to do what the rest of us did. Study strong women close up and do your best to join their ranks. I was fortunate enough to be able to work professionally along side several strong women who I learned from. The women seemed to combine strength and humility seamlessly to forge a successful business career. 

There are so many variations on how to become a successful strong trans woman it is difficult to mention them all. We all need to the do the best we can to force our way into a world where sometimes we are not wanted.