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| Image from UnSplash. |
I recently received a comment from “Mira” concerning writing more about what happens when you are a new transgender woman out in the world.
Thanks for the comment, “Mira”, on such a complex subject.
The first thing I can think of being so different for me was that everyone was
looking at me. As a man, I was used to admiring well dressed and attractive
women but got used to the fact that I was nearly invisible to the world as a
guy. In essence, other women and men all notice other ciswomen who go out of
their way to at least look nice. Which was what I was doing when I went out in
the public’s eye to see how well I could present myself as a transfeminine
person.
Maybe the most important hurdle I faced at this time on my
gender path was looking like I was trying too hard to look like a woman. The
initial attempts I tried to make such as wearing too tight and short skirts,
produced laughable results when I was laughed at in reality. On the other hand, you need to take an
accurate assessment of your basic strengths and weaknesses and go from there. I
know you may think you may have very few strengths when you are trying to dress
your testosterone poisoned body, but you may be surprised. Many men are blessed
with passable looking feminine legs, which is a place to start building your
presentation from. I learned my legs were good from the Halloween parties I
went to in my mini dresses. So at least, I had a positive place to start from
when I began to go out. Until I began to overdo it and feature my legs over my
biggest fashion problem…my broad torso and shoulders. I still wore my denim
miniskirts but with large flowing tops which were able to hide my shoulders as
I got by.
The difficult part for me was getting any realistic feedback
from anyone. The only feedback I received on a regular basis was from my mirror
which I found had a habit of lying to me and from my wife who would dismiss me
as only being the “pretty, pretty princess.” I did not want to be a princess; I
just wanted to present as well as I could in the world as a transgender woman. I
understand now what my wife was trying to tell me about being feminine would
take more effort than just looking like a ciswoman and I would have a long way
to go.
The next big step I took as a novice transgender woman was
to not be afraid when someone wanted to know more about me and I don’t mean in
a close, personal sense. As most of the many ciswomen I encountered just wanted
to sell me something (clothing store clerks) or were just curious about what I
was doing in their world. Once they were satisfied, I was not up to no good and
I just wanted to be part of the girls’ club, they were happy and went on their
way. Except for a few who stuck around and I was able to make friends with.
Which came much later in my trans life when I grew more comfortable in my new
skin. And speaking of skin, if you are overweight, consider going on a serious
diet like I did to slim down and look better in more stylish clothes.
When you are new to all of this, it is easy to feel selfish when
you are obsessed with how you look and act as you try to determine if you truly
belong in the new world you are exploring. All of that is a natural reaction to
letting go of the male world (or female world for you trans men) that you had
to work so hard to survive in. Often against your will. Plus, learning all the
nuances of a new gender is not and never will be easy. Especially if you transition
later in life such as I did. The reality of the situation is that you have
accumulated much more gender baggage to deal with over the years, and you must
start deciding early on what you are going to do with it.
Backtracking a bit, what I remember the most about my early
years as a transfeminine person was the panic I felt when I entered the world
for the first time. Mainly because I had lost all the defense mechanisms I
learned as a man. I could no longer rely on my size in a potential problem
situation or my intelligence to win a discussion. My best offense in the new
world I wanted to be in was to plan ahead and do what ciswomen do, not get into
the situation to begin with. As far as intelligence goes, just plan on losing
yours if and when you encounter a serious discussion with a man.
As you walk up your gender path as a new trans woman,
validation as a person becomes a valued piece of your new personality. In my
case, I was never attractive or interested in men enough for them to be in my
world, so my validation had to come where it had always come from in my life,
from other women. When I see many of the transgender women bemoaning the fact
they don’t have a man, I always say, don’t overlook having a woman love and
validate you. Always leave your future options open because anything can change
in your life when you are trying to cross the gender border.
Finally, “Mira”, try to develop a thick skin and learn from
your possible presentation mistakes when you begin to go out. Especially today
with many areas of society being so volatile when it comes to trans women and
trans men. When you are a quick gender learner, your life can come together faster
than you ever thought. Be prepared, it could be an interesting one. Stay safe and
thanks again for the comment and I hope that I have answered most of your
question.
