Dealing with Stress as a Transgender Woman

 

Image from Ksenia Berjoz 
on UnSplash.

In the male world I did not want to be in, I had a difficult time responding to pressure except where I worked where oddly enough, I thrived.

I suppose the gender pressure I was under started very early in life when I needed to struggle mightily to even find the private time to even try to be the pretty girl I wanted to be in front of the mirror. From my early cross-dressing years, instead of growing away from feeling the pressure I was feeling, I grew into it. On one side, I had the fond thoughts of gender euphoria dominating every spare moment that I had and on the other side I had the reality of having to compete in a world I never wanted to be in. Football was a prime example of me trying to overachieve and ended up breaking two bones doing it before I just quit.

Moving forward to the time when I left my closet and started to discover the world as a novice cross-dresser or transgender woman, the pressure was on more than ever before to succeed as neither of my egos were taking getting laughed at by the public well. My feelings hurt, and the pressure as I said was building to do something about it.

The first thing I knew I could do was go on a diet which quickly slimmed my body so I could find and wear more fashionable clothing and started to take care of my skin better everyday after I shaved. All of this helped me to feel better about myself, and I kept on trying to perfect my makeup techniques to improve my public presentation. With all of this, it still took me quite a while to build my fragile confidence to a point where I could go out in public again.

Then I found myself in a spot where pressure was coming at me from different angles. On the days I thought my makeup and clothes were at their peak of success, the pressure would set in about how I was moving as a transfeminine person in the world. I needed to concentrate on two things, not moving like a linebacker in drag and making sure I put a pleasant look on my face. Replacing the male scowl I had perfected for so long. If I was enjoying my new life, I would have to make sure I showed it to the world.

As I did all of that, my inner pressure began to change once again as I began to free myself from the drag atmosphere of the gay venues I was going to (where I was considered as just another queen) and into the straight world I was used to where I could at least have a fighting chance of being treated as another woman in the world where the ciswomen ruled the scene I wanted to be accepted into. For the most part, I discovered that most ciswomen did not notice me, or if they were, they were just curious why I was trying to play with the girls’ club and leaving the universe of men.

At that point, I nearly panicked from all the pressure I was under as I desperately tried to maintain what was left of my male life which included my wife and job and at the same time try to allow my feminine transgender side to flourish also. My main reason to panic came when I needed to learn immediately how to communicate one on one with other women. To relieve the pressure, I went all out and even took feminine vocal lessons and I had to focus for the first time in my life on really listening to what someone else was telling me because I found that ciswomen were the masters at non-verbal or passive aggressive communication and used both methods to by pass the men around them. Which was the main reason men said they could not understand women. The women had set it up that way.

I did maintain that life as long as I could before the pressure increased again until the forms of relieving it, I was using, just did not work any longer. On top of that, I was becoming more and more self-destructive, and I kept putting my life in danger. Fortunately, before anything severely happened to me because of the pressure I was feeling nothing severe happened to me and I began to build a new exciting life out of the ashes of the male life I used to live. I took what I could from him and added it to my new transfeminine life I was beginning to carve out for myself.

Magically then, much of the pressure I was feeling about my male to female femininization started to drain off me. I can’t take all of the credit because I fell into the open arms of so many ciswomen who had problems of their own and took the time and effort to help me with mine. All their efforts reinforced why I wanted to be allowed behind the gender curtain to start with.

After the pressure was released, it was like the sun came out to me on a cloudy day, I can’t say how much weight was lifted from my shoulders when I finally saw the sunlight and decided to put my male self in my past and begin HRT or gender affirming hormones under a doctor’s supervision.

I can’t say before then I had any knowledge at all how to live a life without experiencing gender pressure. As I matured into a confident transgender woman, I finally realized I did not have to live that way, and I had the built the confidence to change it.

Certainly, living under pressure is no fun, and I would not wish it on anyone. Also, I know everyday humans have stress in their life, but I am biased, but I think transgender women and transgender men have more than their fair share to deal with. How we are able to handle it can define our lives.

 

 

 

What is a New Trans Girl to Do?

 

Image from UnSplash. 

I recently received a comment from “Mira” concerning writing more about what happens when you are a new transgender woman out in the world.

Thanks for the comment, “Mira”, on such a complex subject. The first thing I can think of being so different for me was that everyone was looking at me. As a man, I was used to admiring well dressed and attractive women but got used to the fact that I was nearly invisible to the world as a guy. In essence, other women and men all notice other ciswomen who go out of their way to at least look nice. Which was what I was doing when I went out in the public’s eye to see how well I could present myself as a transfeminine person.

Maybe the most important hurdle I faced at this time on my gender path was looking like I was trying too hard to look like a woman. The initial attempts I tried to make such as wearing too tight and short skirts, produced laughable results when I was laughed at in reality.  On the other hand, you need to take an accurate assessment of your basic strengths and weaknesses and go from there. I know you may think you may have very few strengths when you are trying to dress your testosterone poisoned body, but you may be surprised. Many men are blessed with passable looking feminine legs, which is a place to start building your presentation from. I learned my legs were good from the Halloween parties I went to in my mini dresses. So at least, I had a positive place to start from when I began to go out. Until I began to overdo it and feature my legs over my biggest fashion problem…my broad torso and shoulders. I still wore my denim miniskirts but with large flowing tops which were able to hide my shoulders as I got by.

The difficult part for me was getting any realistic feedback from anyone. The only feedback I received on a regular basis was from my mirror which I found had a habit of lying to me and from my wife who would dismiss me as only being the “pretty, pretty princess.” I did not want to be a princess; I just wanted to present as well as I could in the world as a transgender woman. I understand now what my wife was trying to tell me about being feminine would take more effort than just looking like a ciswoman and I would have a long way to go.

The next big step I took as a novice transgender woman was to not be afraid when someone wanted to know more about me and I don’t mean in a close, personal sense. As most of the many ciswomen I encountered just wanted to sell me something (clothing store clerks) or were just curious about what I was doing in their world. Once they were satisfied, I was not up to no good and I just wanted to be part of the girls’ club, they were happy and went on their way. Except for a few who stuck around and I was able to make friends with. Which came much later in my trans life when I grew more comfortable in my new skin. And speaking of skin, if you are overweight, consider going on a serious diet like I did to slim down and look better in more stylish clothes.

When you are new to all of this, it is easy to feel selfish when you are obsessed with how you look and act as you try to determine if you truly belong in the new world you are exploring. All of that is a natural reaction to letting go of the male world (or female world for you trans men) that you had to work so hard to survive in. Often against your will. Plus, learning all the nuances of a new gender is not and never will be easy. Especially if you transition later in life such as I did. The reality of the situation is that you have accumulated much more gender baggage to deal with over the years, and you must start deciding early on what you are going to do with it.

Backtracking a bit, what I remember the most about my early years as a transfeminine person was the panic I felt when I entered the world for the first time. Mainly because I had lost all the defense mechanisms I learned as a man. I could no longer rely on my size in a potential problem situation or my intelligence to win a discussion. My best offense in the new world I wanted to be in was to plan ahead and do what ciswomen do, not get into the situation to begin with. As far as intelligence goes, just plan on losing yours if and when you encounter a serious discussion with a man.

As you walk up your gender path as a new trans woman, validation as a person becomes a valued piece of your new personality. In my case, I was never attractive or interested in men enough for them to be in my world, so my validation had to come where it had always come from in my life, from other women. When I see many of the transgender women bemoaning the fact they don’t have a man, I always say, don’t overlook having a woman love and validate you. Always leave your future options open because anything can change in your life when you are trying to cross the gender border.

Finally, “Mira”, try to develop a thick skin and learn from your possible presentation mistakes when you begin to go out. Especially today with many areas of society being so volatile when it comes to trans women and trans men. When you are a quick gender learner, your life can come together faster than you ever thought. Be prepared, it could be an interesting one. Stay safe and thanks again for the comment and I hope that I have answered most of your question.

 

 

 

 

Success is no Accident in the Trans World

 

Image from Priscilla du Preeze
on UnSplash. 

Success is definitely no accident in the world of transgender women and transgender men. Very few of us survive our puberty by having no natural characteristics of our authentic selves that we want to be.  I know I wanted nothing to do with the size and angles my male body was willing me to have without my permission.

It was not until I became very serious about my male to female femininization project did, I take the necessary steps I needed to take to begin to ensure my future successes were no accident. The first step I took was to try to make myself smaller for I could fit into more stylish feminine clothes. Naturally, all I could do to make me smaller was to go on a diet. I was successful in a short period of time because I had a very active job and my high male metabolism was still working well. I ended up losing nearly fifty pounds quickly and had the fun job of going back to the thrift stores and searching for new clothes in my size and trying them on.

The next step I took to improve my work to become more feminine to the public was to take better care of my skin. Every day I was careful to moisturize my face after I shaved to make it easier for me to use less makeup because I knew less was more when it came to using makeup. It was a start but was all I could do without the public and my wife beginning to notice a major change in me. Even so, I was proud of the beginning steps I was taking towards my overall femininization.

It proved to me that over the long haul, none of this path I was on would be easy to navigate as I sought to cross the gender border. Also, what I did not know was how much more difficult my life would be because just looking like a ciswoman would not be the end result of the process. It would just be the beginning when I left the mirror and challenged the world as a novice cross-dresser or transgender woman. I never realized the depth and scope of the world women use to run their lives. With or without the help of men.

By accepting the challenge of femineity I was seeking, I was also challenged to move like a woman and more importantly communicate as a woman because I discovered quickly how many other women wondered what I was doing in their world. From the ease of dealing with clothing stores clerks to having conversations with women at restaurant/bars I was at, I found I was dealing with much more interaction than I ever had as a man. My new success was no accident, but I needed to work hard to keep it and always stay aware of my new surroundings. One slip up and the setback could be tremendous and discouraging to my dream goal of being able to live full-time as a transfeminine person.

Many times, my frustration grew over the decades that I struggled with my gender issues. Was I going too fast by going out into the world, or not enough to keep learning what I needed to know to progress along my gender path which kept showing me infuriating stop signs along the way. Particularly from my male self who was becoming very successful in his business world. He was making it difficult to choose between his growing male privileges and living the life I had always dreamed of. Ironically, it was lessons he learned at work which were carried over to my female life that proved that success was no accident. If I wanted my goal bad enough, I could achieve it.

As I progressed with carving out my new feminine life as a trans woman, I found that my successes were painting me into corners which were difficult to get out of. I had nights when butch lesbians were flirting with me and buying me drinks until I ran out of time and had to be back home before my wife was take my makeup off then calmly try to wind down by watching television. I was on the gender rollercoaster going from one high to another and eventually it was too much to take.

Before I broke for the final time and had to make a decision between staying with my wife as a man and deciding to live my life as a woman, she took my decision away and suddenly passed away. Leaving me all alone with my other woman who happened to be me. It took a while for the shock to wear off, but when it did, my internal female took right over and claimed her territory in my life. She thought success was no accident and she had claimed hers by paying for those dues all those decades when she was hidden for the most part. In the light of day, she flourished and never looked back. Especially when HRT or gender affirming hormones were introduced into her old male system.

The ultimate measure of success is coming around and transitioning ourselves from transgender into just being ourselves. Many of us have to go through extensive gender realignment surgeries to do it, and some not but that is OK. Whatever makes you whole as a person is the final key to the lock or piece to the puzzle. I am sure that whatever the case, everyone who succeeded in finding themselves would agree that success was no accident. They had to work hard to achieve it.

If you are on your path, just keep up the hard work you are doing, and you can find success also. Pursuing such a complex journey will never be easy but as the saying goes, if it was easy, would it be worth it.

Thanks to all of you who read along with my posts! All your thoughts, comments, claps and subscriptions are always welcomed.