A Spectator in my Own Life

 

Image from Ryan 
Mangino on UnSplash.

There were many times during my life as a transgender woman, I felt as if I was a spectator looking in on the action.

The whole process was very strange to say the least as I was thinking, just who was that person. Plus, having the chance to think what I was doing was a totally different sensation. The entire problem stemmed I think, from the earlier years of my life when I was positive, I was two different people all together. One male and one female. It was not until much later on when I began to realize I was always feminine and fought all things male when I could.

Slowly but surely, I began to realize the truth and began to notice my cross-dressing nights out involved much more than just attempting to look the best I could. My spectator began slowly to change away from watching a male life unfold to watching a female one do the same. Helping me were the girls-night-out invitations I received. Following a bout of impostor's syndrome, I suffered through, I settled down and enjoyed myself. When I came to the conclusion I had just as much right there as the next woman. We had all came to our right of womanhood through different paths and mine was just different.

Finally, I grew tired of just being a spectator in my feminine life and wanted more. More meant being a spectator in my male life. Since I was still working and living part-time as a man, it meant I really needed to concentrate on my speech and movements when I was still a guy. In fact, there were a couple of embarrassing times when I was called Ma'am at work when I was in male mode. 

Early on, being a spectator in my own life was certainly a curiosity. Especially, when I thought I was just a cross dresser and putting on a dress was just a hobby. The closer I moved to true transgender womanhood, the more I learned that was not true. As I always say, the key moment in my life came when I realized I was not a man cross dressing as a woman, I was a woman cross dressing as a man. The tragic part was I went through male puberty and was testosterone poisoned as I grew up. I did not appreciate when my soft body turned to hardened angles as well as the other male changes but there was nothing I could do.

When I found my gender destination, I stopped being a spectator and began to be a more involved participant. For me, flipping my gender became an intensely frightening but natural part of my life. Living my dream was so dominant in my thought pattern, I had no problem with girls-nights-out and even could not wait for them. My newfound confidence as a woman completely pushed any idea of me being a spectator aside and opened the door for me to be a more well-rounded participant. Of course, confidence always grows more confidence, and I grew to the point where I had nothing else to prove to the other women I was around.

As I look back, being a spectator in my own life as sometimes a necessary but very different part of my existence. The entire process sometimes helped me to understand where I was going towards my dream of transgender womanhood.  

No Struggle no Progress

 

Image from UnSplash.

Basically, when it comes to doing anything really important in life, to progress you need to struggle.

As far as being transgender, often it seems our struggles are impacted. First of all, most of us are not blessed with any natural feminine characteristics to work with. At least, I did not think I had any except perhaps my legs which often ruined my fashion sense when I tried to focus on my legs and not try to cover up my wide torso and broad shoulders. I struggled with my overall image until I got it right and I began to blend in with the public at large. 

Far more important to me was the mental struggle which went along with my journey to transgender womanhood. For the longest time, it seemed as if every step forward I achieved in the world as a novice transgender woman was met by taking three steps back. Or when I thought I had conquered the world of high heels, I would catch my heel in a sidewalk crack and break it. Who knew you had to put so much work into being a girl and it was only the beginning. 

Along the way, my life became a battle between two genders and for the most part, the battle destroyed me. Especially, my already frail mental health since I was already diagnosed as being Bi-Polar, I did not need any other problems I never asked for. Regardless, life moved on as I tried to roll with the punches. I was cross dressing as much as I could while at the same time, I was trying to live a life as a successful man. I managed to stay married to the same woman for twenty -five years while at the same time making good progression in my employment career. Sadly, I was stubborn, and struggle was all I knew as I lived my life. If I would have ever relaxed and looked around, I would have seen much of my progress came from just running from my problems and not facing them. My wife said it best one day when we were locked in yet another brutal argument. She said, why did not I be man enough to be a woman. The logical answer to the question was, I simply was not ready and still had a lot to learn before I jumped the male gender ship and began to live as a transgender woman. 

Very soon, my struggles reached a critical tipping point where progress was becoming the norm. I was reaching the point where I could be man enough to be a woman out of sheer determination. Sadly, by this point, my wife had passed away, so she never had a chance to meet the woman I had become. Again, I needed to struggle through a new reality of being alone after all of those years. It did not take me long to turn to my feminine self for help. In fact, the last date I had set up with another woman as a man was to an outdoor concert. At the last minute, the woman backed out, so I did the next best thing and took myself. My feminine self-had a great time and I never tried to go out with a woman as a man again.

As I began to see and reach my potential as a transgender woman, my mental health improved as well as my life as a whole. When it did, my struggles went with it.

And Then he Was Gone

 

JJ Hart at Club Diversity
Columbus, Ohio

It took me nearly a half a century to rid myself of my male self and begin living as my authentic feminine self.

Even though much of my progress towards my gender goal was physical, much was mental also. The physical part I am referring to was the portion of my transition which revolved an intense period of time I went through attempting to judge my appearance in my own personal mirror. I was so into myself, my wife began to call me the pretty, pretty princess and told me I was ignoring what a woman really was. She was right and it took me years of research and struggle to learn what she really meant. 

As I learned, the more my male self-fought me as he did not want to give up any of his life and male privileges he had fought so long to earn. It seemed every small gender victory was hard earned until he was gone.

Perhaps the biggest factor against him was I felt so excited and natural in the new world of transgender womanhood I was creating. Surely, I was still having my ups and downs when I tried out the public when I went out, but the downs were becoming fewer and farther between. Plus, my amount of terror I was still experiencing as a transgender woman was decreasing by the day. I think now, the major reason was I finally made the mental decision to go forth in the world as a woman on my own terms rather than the part time cross dresser I had somehow portrayed myself to be. Some may say I was dealing in semantics, but the thought pattern was a revelation for me. 

As he disappeared, my female self-had no problems filling the void in my life. My long-buried woman self-had no problem putting her past behind her as she stepped out into the bright lights of a new world. I think having no resentment made her a better person people could relate to and like. In fact, I found many new people related to me as a woman than ever before as a man. 

Ironically, after a very slow start to the fifty years of gender discovery I endured, once I seriously started my transition. time went very fast. Perhaps, it was because every night I went out, I was learning so much new on not being just the pretty, pretty princess and finally experiencing what my wife told me about being a woman was all about. Or I was finally given the chance to go behind the feminine gender curtain into a world dominated by women. When I did, I found women ran their own world their own way without the help of men. During the girls' nights out, I was invited to I learned what was important to women and not men. Even along the way, I learned the power of non-verbal communication between women when one night I was warned away from an intoxicated man in a venue I was a regular in by a bartender I knew. With one look, I immediately went the other way away from him and was safe.

Finally, after so much learning and experiencing a new life as a transgender woman, I think my male self-saw the writing on the wall and decided he was done. When he did, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. It seemed carrying two people all those years took a toll on me, and I wanted out. 

Staying in your Own Lane

 

Image from Gabriel
Silverio on UnSplash.

As I transitioned into my own version of transgender womanhood, there were plenty of opportunities to not stay in my own lane.

First of all, I needed to get my presentation house in order so I could even receive a fair chance at starting. Paraphrasing "Stana" of "Femulate Blog" fame, in order to pass properly, I needed to first signal before I accelerated and moved to the outside lane. For me, acceleration was not an immediate or easy thing to do. Before I began to see any progress, I needed to put the mirror behind me and seek approval from the public at large. Once I was able to do that, then I needed to push away any of my ingrained male thoughts I was having on how I should look. He was leading me towards a totally trashy look which was attracting too much negative attention. If I wanted to stay in the feminine lane and be successful at all, I would have to change...quickly.

Once I began to be more comfortable and accepted in the feminine lane I was in, I needed to then learn all the nuances of the new life I had chosen. Immediately, the concept of passive aggression got to me. Too many times, I was fooled by another woman's smiling face or indirect suggestions. Examples included the times when I was complimented on how I looked. I was told how good I looked without the extra statement, for a man dressed as a woman. Regardless, I had too many claw marks down my back from encounters with women who I perceived as harmless. It took me awhile to learn the new lane I was in with other women. Once the scars healed on my back, I developed the knowledge and thick skin I would need to get in the passing lane and survive.

As I cautiously began to live more and more in my new gender lane, the more natural life became. I developed a whole new group of women friends and learned tons of ideas from them on how to stay where I was. The group of us partied into many nights and I discovered I was still messing up by trying to live in both gender worlds. I guess you could say, when the going became rough in the feminine lane I was in, I could always escape back into my male privileged world I knew so well. Finally, with the help of my friends who were primarily lesbians, they taught me my validation did not have to come from men, it could come from within. It was the only signal I needed to switch gender lanes and stay there.

These days, with the current political climate, we transgender women and trans men are trying to be forced back into our original lanes. It is in times such as these when we still have to be as visible as possible and live our lives as authentically as possible. As I have written several times, my own demarcation point of support is coming up in May with the Veterans Administration health care system. In May I have an appointment with my Endocrinologist and the opportunity to get my Estradiol prescription renewed. I naturally don't have total confidence the government won't step in and block my gender affirming hormones. I am sure, I will be writing about my fears as the date gets closer.

I am desperately trying to stay in my own lane which meant years ago I was able to live as the person I was always meant to be. At my current age of seventy-five, there is no way I am going back to my old lane I was unhappily living.     

A Push versus a Dream

 

JJ Hart

I often describe my journey to transgender womanhood as the impossible dream. 

On the other hand, I cannot ignore all the pushing I needed to do to arrive at my goal. My pushing started at a very young age when I was first cross dressing in front of the mirror. To begin with, I needed to push hard to find hiding places for my exceedingly small, treasured collection of feminine wardrobe selections. I resorted to old boxes in the garage attic, all the way to a hollowed-out tree in the woods next door to our house. In trash bags. Anything to stay safe with my secret. I knew if I was exposed, life as I knew it would be over.

I did push on and survive so my dream was still intact when I went to college and then served out my time in the military. My military time was especially stressful as I needed again to carefully conceal any idea, I was feminine at all. Through it all, I needed to keep my thoughts centered on a far-away dream I had of being able to live as a transgender woman. Sadly, there were too many times when I did not see how I could make it at all. Especially when the Army was strongly reinforcing my manhood. 

As in many other facets of life, the Army came and went leaving me a sense of freedom of what I could do concerning my gender issues. My first marriage came shortly following my discharge from the military and left me still wondering about what was going on. My first wife knew I was a cross dresser and did not really care, so I was left on my own to make any gender decisions I might decide on. This was back in the late 1970's and there was very little information on even being a cross dresser available. Again, I was on my own until the computer became a reality, and I was able to reach out to others. I learned quickly I was not alone and began to push for more clarity in my life. I even was able to dream more frequently of being able to live as my authentic self.

Before I did, I needed to determine what my authentic self really was and push to get there. This meant going down a largely selfish road as I carefully checked my gender boxes. It took me years to figure it out until I was able to merge how hard I was pushing with my ultimate gender dream of a being a transgender woman. My authentic self which was revealing her-self When she did, she left no doubt on why I felt the way I had my entire life. Something was not quite right, and I pushed on to figure out what the problem was. In the meantime, I treaded water cross dressing in front of the mirror until I found the courage and confidence to try going public.

Each and every time I was successful at all in dealing with the world, my dream was re-ignited, and I started to push through or totally ignore any gender warning signs I encountered. Everything I was doing put me completely at odds with my second wife, who again knew I was a cross dresser but never wanted me to leave the house dressed. Not only did I break my promise to her, but I also went as far as beginning a whole new life. My new life rapidly became very important to me mainly because I was happier and the whole life felt so much more natural.

My lifetime full of pushing finally aligned with my ultimate dream of transgender womanhood. Destiny opened my gender doors at the age of sixty and I took complete advantage. 

Burning Gender Bridges

 

Image from Adam Wilson
on UnSplash

During my life, I have always excelled in self-destruction. It seemed, whenever I had succeeded in anything positive, I always tried to tear it down. 

I blame the entire process on two basics, one of which on how I was raised. My parents never accentuated the positive at any time. If I received a "B" in any class, invariably I heard, why didn't I earn an "A" and I was not applying myself properly. The other basic was anything I accomplished as my male self; I did my best to reject. I did not in any way want to accept any success I earned as a male. So, I did my best to burn the gender bridge I created. 

Of course, the more I went down my gender path towards transgender womanhood, the more bridges I needed to burn. Everywhere I looked, the stakes were higher in life. All along I was accumulating more and more success as my unwanted male self which made my decision so much more difficult. Still, I forged on with my torch burning brightly. To hell with the results, I was going to attempt to follow my gender dreams anyway. Finally, I arrived at the point where seemingly I was subconsciously trying to sabotage myself. In many ways, I was desperately attempting to hide my deep dark cross-dressing secret while, on the other hand, I secretly wanted everyone to know I had always wanted to live as my authentic feminine self and did not care what they thought. Still, I needed to be careful as I had deep roots to my male past. Spouses, family and jobs were at stake. So, I tried to be sure of what I was doing before I cut the gender tree down.

Perhaps the most substantial bridge I needed to burn was to my job. I was a very successful restaurant manager in a regional/national casual restaurant chain. The management was very male dominated, and I knew there was no way I could ever transition in the same job. 

I decided to try going to other similar food/bar competitors thinking no one would recognize me. Long story short, I found out the hard way I was recognized as a version of my male self. To make matters worse, I tried to frequent my own operation and was close to being immediately recognized. In doing so, I burnt a major bridge which I don't think my wife ever found out about. It was bad enough when she knew I was breaking the agreement we had for me to never leave the house as a transgender woman.

The new bridge I built when I burnt the old one was when I decided to buy my own restaurant. I figured if I was the owner, no one could tell me what to do. That was true to an extent until one night a very evil former acquaintance met me in the parking lot to tell me my lifestyle was keeping the public away where we operated. I don't know how true what he said was but one way or another, I had burnt all my gender bridges and there was no way I could ever go back. 

When I transitioned and began my life as a transgender woman, I was able to build new strong bridges for the first time in my life. It was like my feminine soul was excellent in her building skills and could not wait for a chance to thrive.

The sad part was/is how much destruction I had to go through just to arrive at where my dream could be born. It turned out the birth was the easiest part of it all, as I set out to live a fulltime new life in my transgender womanhood. I finally had the chance to put my fire out. At least the destructive one.   

Take Nothing for Granted

 

A night out with JJ Hart.

Last night, my wife Liz, her adult son and I went out to dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant. When we did, several questions came to mind.

I wondered of course if I would encounter any unapproving vocal fellow patrons who were protesting the mere presence of a transgender woman in the venue. Since we had been there many times in the past, I did not have much fear of that happening. Again, last night, nothing happened as I was treated the same as any other guest in the very busy venue. 

Then, I began to worry further about the influence of our current felon in chief and his attacks on illegals. I wondered what the Hispanic staff thought or worried about future ICE raids in Cincinnati which is considered a sanctuary city which should make it a target from the tRumpt goons. 

I had plenty to think about as we waited our fifteen minutes to be seated. As I people watched, I naturally wondered how many had voted for the felon. How could they? But, on the plus side, I was back out after myself imposed Covid quarantine. It felt great to be out and about and finally free from all the disease's evil effects. 

Everyone around us was minding their own business and we were minding ours. All the way to being addressed to as "ladies." Which is always very affirming. Through the entire evening, I was able somehow to put my election bitterness behind me and have a good time.

Hopefully, I did not overdo it and will have the opportunity to do it again soon. Also, I hope the masses who voted for the administration who is trying to erase all transgender people everywhere in the country will somehow feel the error of their ways. My personal paranoia date is coming up in May with my endo doc. Then, I will need a refill to my Estradiol hormones. Since I am under the Veterans Administration health care system, at any time I fear, the orange felon could reach out and try to cancel my care. We shall see and I will be forced to take it one day at a time.

In the meantime, I can take nothing for granted. It seems as if someone could always be coming for my back simply because I am transgender and I refuse to be erased. 

Set Up for Success

 

My wife Liz who set me up 
for success. 

As we follow the complex gender path, we are on, there are many ways to set ourselves up for success or failure in the world.

Being the stubborn person I am, I kept making the same mistakes over and over again until I finally righted myself and was able to blend in with the public. Looking back, too many times, I returned home with tears in my eyes after the mirror lied to me about how I looked. I was somehow not setting myself up for success and had to keep going back to my feminine drawing board until I finally began to improve.  

One of the earliest forms of success I discovered was the power of the thrift store. The stores provided me several avenues to improve my novice transgender self. First of all, the stores fit my very limited budget, and I was able to try on or purchase clothes I would normally not. Secondly, I was allowed to shop to my heart's content without any interference from commissioned clerks who were more interested in my money than me. Finally, my third form of success was the entire experience helped me to discover a newfound sense of confidence in myself as a transgender woman. 

Slowly but surely, I was learning how to dress myself properly as a transgender woman without being trashy. When I did so, I stopped all the unwanted attention I was receiving Or, all attention as a woman, was not good attention.

Setting myself up for success in my transgender womanhood meant going to the right venues. I found out the hard way not to go where cis women already knew not to go. I started to stay out of dimly lit streets and parking lots. Even more so, I began to stay out of red-neck venues where I tried to go to for a beer and to watch sports. Sadly, the police were called on me in one of the places and in another, two guys thought it would be cute and necessary to play "Dude Looks Like a Lady" repeatedly on the juke box. I solved the problem by establishing myself in venues which accepted me.  Which did not include the gay bars I did not feel a part of either.

Through it all, as I learned to accept myself as a trans woman, being set up for success was a long process discovered mainly by trial and error. Since I had no real role models to show me the way. Fashion and makeup were only the beginning before I needed to explore communicating with the world as a woman. I discovered very quickly how many women wanted to know what I was doing in their universe. 

Along the way, one thing I needed to learn was to be patient and judge each step carefully since I had so much to lose. Setting myself up for success was so difficult on so many levels. I needed to make sound decisions to make sure I was making the very complex move I was contemplating. I have always viewed a gender transition as one of the most difficult moves a human can undertake.

Sometimes I feel, I took too long to set myself up for success, but I had to be sure I was doing it right.   

Why Me???

 

Image from Paige Cody
on UnSplash

Earlier in life, when my journey into transgender womanhood was weighing heavily on me, in despair I would look in the mirror and whisper why me.

During that portion of my life as I was still learning the benefits of being a trans woman, I had not had the opportunity to witness the positives I could achieve. Perhaps, the positives are one reason a certain political group is dead set on erasing us. As always, the group has ignored the times in history when entire societies worshiped dual spirted or transgender members of their civilizations. Since I do have a degree in history, I often took the chance to do extra research on the subject in my spare time.

I also think outside TERF's or transphobic women do not trust us because we have spent time in a male dominated society enjoying male privilege. When in fact, we were not enjoying our experience at all and desperately wanted out.  As far as men go, so many are desperately hanging on to their frail sexuality, they become scared and bitter as they secretly watch their trans porn. Sadly, the men's frustration turns into violence towards the transgender woman the man wanted so badly. 

Perhaps the biggest thing I did not realize until I spent time in the public's eye as a transgender woman was how much both binary genders secretly value our knowledge of the world. I remember vividly the numerous times I was approached by other women dealing with man problems of their own. I found the other women really valued my insight into the male world. Through it all, I began to lighten up on my poor, poor pitiful me idea of life and began to see the benefits of living partially between the two main genders. Once I put being a gender victim behind me, my life brightened considerably.

The entire process went far beyond other women asking me about their men, all the way to me being able to increase my overall confidence in the new life I was living. Rapidly, my life was approaching a point of no return. The pressure was on to make the right decision on how I was going to live the rest of my life. I did not think the rest of the world could understand how badly I was torn by my gender decisions, so I did the male thing and internalized them. My mental health struggled badly until two things happened.

One of which was when my wife Liz came along and told me in no uncertain terms, she had only seen a female in me, and I should stop the remainder of life I was living as a man. The other was when I began HRT or gender affirming hormones. When I finally did begin the new hormones, my body took to the new regiment of meds as if I should have always been on them. 

Between the two, even the very stubborn part of me which was desperately hanging on to what was left of his old male life could not resist any longer. Overall, when I looked for my gender truth I found it. Why me? became my truth and when I accepted it, I knew I had done the right thing. My life became softer, richer and more colorful than ever before.   

To arrive there however I needed to pay my dues and learn many important lessons before I could move forward.