Entering Woman only Spaces

 

First Girls Night Out. I am on the 
bottom left. From the Jessie Hart
Collection

Recently I posted two comments from readers. One of which mentioned her concerns with responding to and going to a women's only space. The reader, Ann, said she did not go for several relevant reasons including she didn't want to turn the place into a space where the other women felt there was an "interloper" there which made normal feminine discourse impossible. I paraphrased Ann. If you want to refer to her entire comment, go back one day to the "Trans-Sisterhood" post. If you haven't read it, it is a well thought out statement of if you should or should not attend. In response, Lisa P added this comment:

"  May I comment to Ann? I asked if I could join a women’s book club and was readily accepted. I can assure Ann that if she is being asked, she will be welcomed. Moreover, we talk about issues specific to women all the time, and there is no hesitancy or embarrassment shown by them. They know I am part of their “tribe” and I am safe. I do appreciate Ann’s concern and thoughtfulness (we should all emulate her). If possible I ask first before entering women’s safe spaces. But, I have not been rejected and I am more whole when I am part of the sisterhood of women. Lisa P."

As I said yesterday, when I first was invited to "girls' nights out" as well as other women only spaces I felt remarkably welcome. In many instances I felt as if the other women were welcoming into their club with arms open. Plus in many ways I have thought other women respond favorably to a transgender woman's need to do away with any toxic masculinity and live an authentic life. Once I was invited to play in the girl's sandbox and I learned the rules, I never looked back and went on to proceeding to live a life I only had dreamed of. Maybe, as Ann said, I could have been a little selfish but taking the chance to live and learn from other women was too much to resist. As Lisa said I was never rejected and realized more than ever before how much I was missing when I still was trying to live part of my life as a man. 

Then, there were all the nights I partied with two other women who happened to identify as lesbian, The entire experience validated in me the fact I didn't need a man's attention so I could feel like a woman. Once I made it to this point, thanks to my friends, I never had to look back again. From there I went on to "co-ed" spaces which included men but were dominated by women. Again, a whole new learning process. I believe it as during this phase when I began to develop more of myself as a transgender woman. It was especially true when I knew all of the other group participants knew I reached my gender destination by a different route than anyone else in the room. 

By entering woman only spaces, initially I was terrified but once I was accepted, I was able to grow into the trans sisterhood with other women and the group became more diverse. 

Trans-Sisterhood

Image from Manuel Cosentino
on UnSplash

 It is a powerful feeling being a part of the transgender community, or, the chosen ones (which I will explain in a later post). Recently I had a great comment through the Medium writing platform.  It comes from fellow writer "PL James":

".I always find I beat a drum. This drum is about embracing my trans-ness. I did always want to be pretty and slight like a lissome girl, but I am not. I have had too much of life dominated by testosterone...but like you, I lost a ton of weight, and am super-happy about the results of diet and exercise...and can be happy that I am beautiful...not in a classic way, but in a unique and transgender way...and that is fine because we are different...and our own experiences as trans people make us a tribe of our own...and that is the tribe whose standards I wish to be measured by. Yours in "transterhood"

First of all, it's a pleasure to be a part of your "trans-sisterhood" and thanks for the comment. I so agree many of us in the trans community have adjusted to our own standards of beauty as we present ourselves to the world. Years ago, I was invited to participate in a photography project which focused in on the differences in women. Even though I was scared to death to do it, I hitched up my "big girl panties" and went forward with the project. I felt even though I was far from the prettiest woman in the collection, at the least I would have the chance to represent an entire different look at women. Even though I don't have the final picture to post, it was quite the experience and I was honored to be chosen for another unique once in a lifetime experience.

Another very relevant comment came from the same post from another Medium reader "Ann Williams":

"I was recently invited to participate in a women's group, by one of the leaders. I was very flattered, and I would certainly love to do it. But I won't, and this is why. Because I know that none of the women there will see me as a woman, they will necessarily see me as an interloper. My presence will change the energy of the space. They will not feel as uninhibited to be themselves. They will not feel safe.

If I didn't know this, things would be different; but I do. I don't see this as a matter of rights; I see it as a matter of courtesy and kindness. The last thing I want to do is turn a place where women feel safe to be women into a place where they have to put their guard up. That's thoughtless, selfish and unkind --at least, I would find myself to be so, if I ignored their feelings by invading their space.

The fact I believe I am a woman doesn't matter. The problem is they don't believe it. And I cannot disregard the effect my presence will have on their experience."

Thanks Ann for the wonderful comment and I can only say, my experiences with being invited to "women's only" spaces have only worked out for the best. Maybe I am spoiled but I have had so many cis-women embrace me in their spaces, I was shocked on the rare times it didn't happen. I was even embraced and learned what I needed to do to be a more complete version of my new rescued feminine self.

I dare say, being accepted into the "transgender-sisterhood" has been more problematic for me.

Thank You All!

Image courtesy Howie R
on UnSplash

First of all, I would like to thank all of you who checked in and commented on my post about going to my endocrinologist recently. One of many responses came from Joanne (Jo):

"I'm fortunate in that I can see the results of my hormone checks before because the lab sends them to me as well and so I usually get them several days before my appointments. It will be interesting to see if my T levels stay stable post-GCS now that I am no longer taking Cyproterone to block. They are slightly higher than before surgery, but very slightly and that the very bottom for the range for cis women. On the plus side, my cold tolerance has improved a touch.

Good luck on the check up!"

Thanks for the comment and yes the visit did go very well. So well in fact, she set my next visit for a year from now. I was seeing her every six months. Plus Jo brings up a point we don't discuss much in the Condo, the regimen required when a person is ready to undergo "GCS" which I assume meant gender change surgery. I am far from an expert since I don't plan on undertaking any serious gender realignment surgeries at this late stage of my life. As far as hormonal levels go, I also have been at the very bottom testosterone level for years now. So much so, I have cut back my dosage of Spiro in half. Spiro is another med prescribed to limit testosterone levels. 

Through all the comments, I would be remiss if I did not mention the input from those who could not undertake any hormone replacement therapy due to recent of reoccurring health problems. A few even indicated they had naturally high levels of estrogen in their body so HRT was not really needed. A wonderful predicament to be in if you don't have to ingest any extra medications into your body. 

To finish off the news concerning my "Endo", all went so well, she was able to access my recent blood lab results without a problem from the Veteran's Administration website I am a part of. The problem I used to have was I was actually seeing two VA clinics and or hospitals and my records kept getting mixed up. The problem was finally solved and I was ready to move on.

Since I have entered the senior citizen part of my life, I realize the greatest gift you can receive is the gift of health. The gift of health is followed closely by having a loving spouse and or family member. I am so fortunate to have both. My daughter is completely accepting of my status as a transgender woman as is my recently married wife who I have known for over eleven years now. 

Plus, while I am on the subject of thankfulness, I need to thank all of you who read my writings on one of the two platforms I write on. Either "Google Blogger" or the paid "Medium" site which costs the reader fifty dollars a year for unlimited access to content. I don't thank all of you enough. Your comments and participation of any sort make the process so worth it. Thanks again!

A World Class Observer

 

Image from the Jessie 
Hart Collection

For years and years I needed to be satisfied with merely observing the women around me hoping to see clues on how the women dressed and interacted in the world, among other things. All along, I thought I was doing the best I could in my observation  techniques without coming off as creepy. 

All along, I was doing all the easy things right. I noticed fashion trends and also observed which women seemed to have conquered the fashion world correctly. Some of whom managed to take fashion to an art form. As hard as I tried, I was unable to go any farther than being a more than casual observer of everything feminine. I was always stopped at the door by gate keepers who wouldn't let me into the inner sanctum of what being a woman was really about. While I was stuck on the outside looking in, I needed to sit back and concentrate the best I could on clothing and makeup. So at least I was doing something positive. Or so I felt. 

As the years went by, I worked hard to perfect my feminine image. My peak of acceptance was the night I was refused admission to a transvestite mixer in New York because I was a "real" woman. The experience was all well and good until my second wife and I became embroiled in a huge fight about it. To make a long story short my still strong male ego got the best of me in a fight and I told my wife what had happened. At that point she told me I made a terrible woman. I was deeply defeated at that point when she backed off and said she wasn't talking about my appearance, she was talking about my inner knowledge of what a woman went through in life. From that point forward my life changed as I knew I needed to discover what she was talking about. 

The path I chose was very difficult and little did I know I would spend the next decade (at least) to learn what she meant. The biggest problem I found was I was automatically excluded from entering the inner workings of how women actually communicated and interacted with each other. Even though I worked in a woman dominated industry, the basics I learned such as the dominance of women in cliques and the passive aggressive nature of such cliques was new to me. In fact, it wasn't until after I began to transition in earnest into being a full fledged transgender woman did I understand totally the basics of how women communicated without men. Quickly I learned how feminine conversations could be built on silence with just a look of the eye. I needed to toss aside the old male patterns such as full frontal attacks when life came to confrontations and aggression. 

Naturally the more time I spent in the world as a transgender woman, the more I became a world class observer of cis women everywhere. In order to survive and make myself into a better person, I needed to step aside from all my old male ways and accept the direction my dominant inner feminine self was taking me. After all, she had spent years waiting for her chance to shine. As I always write about , I was fortunate to have strong cis-woman friends and role models to help me along. They embraced me when so many others wouldn't. My observation techniques with them most certainly became world class because they allowed them to happen. I finally was learning what my wife told me concerning making a terrible woman. I found out the hard way what a terrible woman was and made sure I didn't make that mistake again.   

Staying Out of Your Own Way

Image from Joshua Rawson
Harris on UnSplash

As we follow our journey to live as our authentic gender selves we often encounter many roadblocks as well as twists and turns along the way. Naturally, it is very difficult to keep moving forward. Due to impostor syndrome or any other reason, I always had a difficult time accepting the gains I had made as a transgender woman. 

Also the entire backward process could have been due to the number of times I was rejected in public when I first began to leave my closet and explore the world. Looking back, I think too I expected way too much from my feminine presentation. For example, I wanted so badly to be mistaken for a cis woman, it became my entire goal. When, in fact, I was doing fine with being accepted as a transgender woman in the world.  To get to the point of accepting myself, I had to get out of my own way. I needed to realize what was real and what was false and proceed from there. In order to accomplish it, I needed to go through several other major transitions.  

One of the biggest transitions I went through I write about often. It was when I finally decided to quit obsessing just how I appeared as a woman and begin concentrating more on the reality of the situation. In other words, I set out to see if I could be accepted in a world of other women when I went to an upscale bar near a mall where professional women met when they got off of work. To try it, I needed to dress in my finest professional women's outfit I owned to try to blend in. Even though I had experienced some success in trying a similar move in the past, I was still terrified of what I was getting myself into. It was the first time in my life I was stripping myself of all the hard earned white male privilege I had built up and attempted to start all over again. I am certain much of my terrified thoughts came from knowing this had the chance of being a life changing experience. If I was successful, there was no way I could ever go back. 

The rest of the story that night was I was very successful. I learned I could breathe and enjoy my first experience being a woman in the world. Plus I was treated with respect by the staff of the venue I visited.  From there you would think, staying out of my own way would be easier but it wasn't.  The biggest problem I faced was I still had the misconception of which gender I was dressing for. I set out to please my old male self by trying to dress as a few of the sexy women I had admired over the years. The obstacle was my testosterone poisoned body just didn't lend itself to being sexy. All I did was turn out looking trashy. Once I figured it out and began to dress to blend, I started to get out of my own way and began to discover a stable path to discovering my true feminine self. 

From then on, all I needed to really do was try to determine how I was going to approach the inevitable...some day I would have to live my reality by letting my male past go. To get out of my own way and live fulltime as a transgender woman. 

Hormonal Visit

 My endocrinologist visit is coming up and most importantly we review my blood lab results and primarily for me, she monitors my hormonal levels. 

In many ways, my estrogen and or estradiol blood levels are my life. Years ago when I started hormone replacement therapy, I was careful to seek out a physician to help me. I did not want to follow down the path of unmonitored hormone programs I had seen other transgender women undertake. The excesses of foreign purchased estradiol are easy to see and even easier to come by on line. Plus, since I was older (in my early sixties) I very much wanted a professional to evaluate me to see if I was healthy enough to begin HRT. When I was, I was elated. I couldn't wait to begin the new hormones and experience the changes which would follow. 

Each time I write a post on HRT, I warn everyone to seek medical advice and the results you will experience will vary widely due to many factors. Variables include your age, your dosage and even how you administer the medications.  Age of course effects the hormones already in your body. At the age of sixty (plus) my male hormone testosterone would naturally be in decline. Allowing the estradiol an easier path to begin it's changes. Dosage for me, similar to many others, started at a minimum level to see how my body tolerated the changes. I even went through a period of time early into my HRT when my endocrinologist stopped me from taking my hormones all together for another health scare I went through. Finally there are several ways to administer your hormones. I started my process on pills which were advised against by my first "Endo." Then I went to patches which I am on now. The other popular way to take hormonal doses is through injections which I have heard is the most effective way to do it. Since I have never been a fan of taking injections, I stayed with my patches which have allowed me to experience the changes I so desired.

Since my "changes" were slowed with my initial minimum hormonal dosages, I still showed amazing progress. To me, in no time at all, I experienced magical changes including breast growth, softer skin and increased hair on my head which was exactly opposite of the hair disappearing from my body. Except my beard of course. In record time I went from appearing as a macho male all the way to being a very androgynous person. Even though my outward appearance was feminized, it turned out my inner feelings changed too. As I went through my initial hot flashes, at the same time my inner thermostat became broken and I was cold all the time. I found out quickly how cis women were not making things up and their emotions were real. My lifetime of not being able to cry as a man changed rapidly the first time my emotions overcame me and I cried before a summer thunderstorm. 

Through it all, I have labored under the possibility I could have problems and have to stop my hormone replacement therapy, Since I have the benefit of having two Veterans Administration nurse practitioners reviewing my blood work before it gets to my endo, I don't anticipate any problems with my HRT continuing the way it has been. Even still, I have my share of anxiety over any potential results.  

Business Trips

 

Image from Christopher 
Ivanov on UnSplash

As I look back on many facets of my life I wonder how I was able to hide the many times I was able to escape the house and explore the world as a woman. Several of the more exciting and enlightening experiences happened on business trips I was scheduled to do by my employer. 

I worked for a very successful regional restaurant company and I ran one of the most profitable units and I was a managerial training manager. As such I was required once a quarter to make the trip (approximately two hundred miles) to the company's headquarters in Lexington, Kentucky.  When I was told to go to the training sessions it did not take me long to figure out how to attend the meetings as well as take the time to go out and explore the world. It was exciting to not have the same old time requirements I encountered when I was at home. Once I did I found a whole new exciting world I had mostly only dreamed of.  I only just had to figure out how to pack a whole other set of clothes. 

If you are not familiar, Lexington Kentucky is the home of the University of Kentucky and as such had several large gay or LGBT bars/clubs. I immediately located one of the clubs close to the hotel I was staying in. The only drawback I faced was classes started on time at eight in the morning, so I needed to be prepared for the early hour. It turned out to be not much of a problem since the gay club turned out to be quiet when I went in there during the week, plus I was relatively early for the majority of the other clientele to arrive. As I recall, the only person of interest I saw was another cross dresser. Who I didn't talk to. Even though I was satisfied with going out on the first night as always I needed more. Since the training day I was scheduled for was just that, one day, I told my second wife the session really lasted two days so I could take the extra day to play around. 

For my second day, I decided to stop half way back in Cincinnati and check out a couple of the more exciting gay venues I had heard of before. Before I did, I needed to find a motel room to change in plus I needed to make sure I could pay cash for the room so my wife couldn't see any strange receipts on our monthly bank statement. I am not proud now of how far I went to hide my gender issues but only mention them to show you where I was mentally at the time. At any rate, once I dressed in my best mini skirted black outfit with heels and hose I finally found the large gay venue I had heard so much about, I went in and after one drink encountered a very drunk guy who was showing me quite a lot of attention. Initially, I was flattered until another woman showed up who turned out to be his wife. Fortunately for me she saved all of her hostility for him and I thought I could be in real trouble when he said to her "Why don't you have legs like her (meaning me)." By that time I was preparing to make myself scarce from the bar and headed to the restroom. When I returned, the couple had left and I was safe from being a part of a domestic disturbance. As it turned out, it was the last time I was ever in the venue. It has long since closed.

Along the way, I left the company I worked for to start my own restaurant and I had no more business trips to contend with. I had to come up with other ways to express my feminine side. Sadly it wasn't too long after that my life took a severe turn for the worse. I lost nearly all the friends I had to cancer, my second wife to a heart attack and my restaurant to an economic recession. Maybe it was a touch of karma coming back to haunt me for all the sneaking around I did so I did not have to face up to knowing the truth about myself. All along my truth was I should have been trying to live as a full time transgender woman much sooner than I did.  

Playing to Your Strengths

Photo with jeans
skirt and flowing top
from the Jessie Hart
Collection

I am saddened when I read of another novice transgender person and/or cross dresser who feels they are shut out of the feminine world they want to live in because of how they look. Because of testosterone poisoning the person feels as if they are locked in forever to a gender dysphoric life they did or do not want to live. 

In the first place, I wonder if other transgender women (no matter where they fall in their transition cycle) consider all cis women (born female) don't necessarily "pass" as attractive women. Naturally, there are all types, sizes and shapes of women to be seen. One of the several positives which kept me going when I struggled coming out of my closet was the fact, if I could find clothes the size other women wore which fit me, I could wear them too and do my best to look good. During that portion of my life, I made extensive use of bargain thrift stores to augment my feminine wardrobe. If I purchased the wrong item, I wouldn't be out much money and I could try again and again. The main benefit to me was I could learn which women's sizes fit my body style which sadly leaned towards no hips, a wide torso and broad shoulders. I had quite a bit of disguising to do. 

I started the process by deciding to take off un-needed weight. There is a reason so many cis-women are into diets and I decided to diet for the same basic reason, to look better. My metabolism at the time must have been strongly male because with very little effort I lost nearly fifty pounds which helped my clothing search and allowed me to locate strengths to play to as far as presenting myself to the world. One of the strengths I was always told I had were my legs. Once I made it through my teenaged inspired cross dressing years, I often wore jean skirts and lose flowing tops. The outfits allowed me to show off a strength and at the same time camouflage another. It seemed to work for me as I was suddenly able to navigate the world as my authentic self. To add an extra dimension to my public life, I began to take extra better care of my skin. Having a better basic complexion allowed me to use less makeup and again appear more presentable. 

These days looking more presentable as a transgender person is becoming more and more a priority. With the number of restrictions and hate bills on the horizon for transgender women and men, being able to blend in with the everyday public is a must. I am fortunate I live in a relatively upscale and liberal part of a larger metro area which is known to support LGBT causes but just to the East of us the rural area doesn't. In fact, a group I was part of used to run bake sales in front of a certain very well known big box store in the area. I went and helped but felt decidedly out of place. As I looked around at the other women in the store, it wouldn't been to much of a stretch of the imagination to feel as if I was one of the more attractive women in the store. 

If you are in your closet and need to leave, it is easy for me to say you have to hitch up your big girl panties and try your best to do it. Courage breeds confidence and hopefully playing to your strengths helps you to live an authentic life.            

You Are Not the Boss of Me

Image from Valentina Conde
on Unsplash

 If you are similar to me, you faced near total resistance to you pursuing any sort of a feminine lifestyle. You were born a boy and a boy you would be. In addition, very little information was available to you involving any other individuals who felt the same as you. In my case, I was restricted to seeing the occasional "shock" newspaper/journals such as the "National Enquirer" who on every now and then featured a sensational story about a man who had changed their gender. I couldn't wait for a chance to go with a friend of mine who recently turned sixteen and could drive to his aunt's small corner variety store so I could secretly look through her latest collection of publications. The only other local activities I ever found was a touring troop of softball players who performed in drag as women. 

Through the pre internet dark days, I found away to sneak around my parents' backs and compile a small but complete collection of girl's clothes and makeup. During that time I remember acquiring a pair of girls shoes which fit me. They turned out to be my most prized possessions.  Somehow, during this portion of my life no matter how much pressure I was under to conform, I knew my parents were not entirely the boss of me. In many ways, a radical was born. 

My Mom and I were the same in many ways including temperament and looks and we clashed many times as she tried to impose her will upon me. I often wonder though if she had discovered or at least sensed my excursions through her clothes and makeup but decided to never say anything. Perhaps she thought it was just a phase. It turned out, my love of everything feminine was a phase...a lifetime one.  In a moment I relate to often, after I was honorably discharged from the Army when I was in my early to mid twenties I came out to her as a transvestite. Without discussion she said she would pay for psychiatric intervention. The subject was never brought up again.

In addition, my parents made it known to me my college education was wasted on the career in the broadcasting industry I was working at back then. In essence,  I was striking out with my parents in my gender choices and my work choices. In many ways I had the military to thank for my attitude of it was my life and I needed the courage to live my own life. The way I wanted to live it. My parents were not the boss of me. I am certain they saw it coming as parents do when their off spring becomes a certain age. One thing they never saw coming was my gender choice. Mom never brought the subject up again after I tried to bring it up with her and to my knowledge Dad never knew at all. So, in many ways, I took the easy way out. My parents passed away as well as did many others in my life before I had to come out to them.

Being transgender in the short and long term taught me to be fiercely independent. In order to survive, I needed to develop a very thick skin to adverse life conditions when I first decided to take small tentative steps into the feminine world. Once I did, I was able to learn to be more confident in how I wanted to live. Finally I made it to the point where I could reach out and touch my lifetime dream of living as a transgender woman full time. When I did so, I could sit back and say I was glad all the naysayers were wrong and they were not the boss of me.