Should We Stay or Go

Perhaps you have heard of former Navy Seal Kristin Beck deciding to de transition from Kristin (a transgender woman) back to their original male self Chris Beck. 

I have followed Beck for years. In fact I donated a few dollars to their political campaign many years ago.

Image Courtesy 
Chris/Kristin Beck

While I was not so disappointed they de-transitioned, I was disappointed when I thought what anti transgender activists would make of the move. We transgender women and trans men are under too much pressure to begin with. Regardless, it is everyone's personal prerogative to do what they desire with their gender. 

I'm sure in most of our gender journeys at one time or another we have thought about going back to our previous selves. If I go back to my early purges when I threw out most of my feminine belongings, each time I felt this was it. I would never have the desire to look like or be a woman again. It never failed, after a very brief period of gender relief, I would always go back to what turned out to be a return to a strong desire to replenish my wardrobe of feminine necessities. In fact, not only did I add new items to my "collection" I was able on occasion to add accessories from other cross dresser acquaintances who decided to purge at approximately the same time. One in particular had to empty out his secret storage unit before his unapproving spouse caught on. As I remember, I inherited a very realistic set of silicon breast forms I couldn't easily afford.  

As I slowly stair stepped my way up the cross dressing ladder. I became too serious and ended up quickly separating myself from the so called "hobbyists" who claimed they casually put on women's clothes as a hobby. I found I more closely aligned myself with the more serious cross dressers who were headed towards living fulltime as what was known in those days as a transsexual. I had no idea if I was able to give up my successful male life to do it but on occasion I felt so natural when I was in feminine mode, I didn't see how I could ever give it up and return to a fulltime male life. I remember vividly the parties I went to at a friends house in nearby Columbus, Ohio which usually always included an impossibly feminine person or two I could measure myself against as I tried to determine my gender status. 

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to go through the stress and tension it would take to go through a transgender transition in a very public eye. We all were witness to the overall debacle which was the Jenner transition. Now we have the Chris Beck de-transition to deal with. I hate to think both of these ill fated moves has determined what people may think about me. What we, as transgender people, need to prove is we are not going back to our old selves not even thinking how easy it would be. Plus I wonder, no matter what, if one could jump the gender frontier without having lasting memories of how easy or difficult it was to live our truths. 

I just hope de-transitioners finally find their happiness.  

It Feels Like a Dream

Liz on my left
from the Jessie Hart Archives

Today is my therapy day which happens two times a month. I have been fortunate in that I have had the same Veteran's Administration psychologist since the beginning for nearly ten years now. She has been by my side through several difficult times such as providing me documents I needed for my legal name change. as well as HRT.

Looking back at the decade, the whole feminization process seems like a dream mainly because of the hormone replacement therapy my therapist helped me to be approved for. Overall the process has been positive for me. An example was this morning when it was one of the days I change my Estradiol patches for my HRT. It's the time I have a chance to reflect on all the changes I have gone through. Although my breast size and hair growth has evened out, it seems it is time now for my hips to develop. I can really feel the difference when I put my jeans or leggings on. Some days I feel just like a teenaged girl going through puberty. 

Most likely it is because of the time I spent acting as if I was a successful man. All of the time I spent cross dressing as a guy I was dreaming of what it would be like to live as a fulltime transgender woman. Now that I am here, I know I have made the right decision. Not only do I live a feminine life, I have found a loving spouse to share my new life with. How fortunate can a person be? There is no way I thought I would make it this far in life to begin with and be with someone else again for the rest of my life. I thought my quota of people who loved me, such as my ex wives would be over when my second wife passed away. I was prepared to live the rest of my life alone.

I found out too, my successful transgender dream was far from me achieving it alone. I was fortunate to have found such wonderful people to help me along the way. Of course I already mentioned my therapist and my wife Liz but there were so many others who made my dream a realty by accepting  me for who I was. A prime example was when I first moved in with Liz and started to go with her to her Wiccan meetings. I was accepted into the circle with no strings attached. The entire process gave me the confidence to move forward in my life. I thank Debra among others for the help. Plus I cannot forget women such as Kim and Nikki who taught me so much about the feminine world and made it possible to live my dream. 

Lessons learned included realizingly living a feminine life meant so much more than just doing my best to perfect a feminine presentation. All along I knew women lived a much more layered and challenging life than a man but now I had to try to live it by walking and talking many miles in their shoes. 

Dreams are fleeting and often are mixed in with nightmares if you are not careful. Slip ups and set backs are always a part of the process. When the process involves gender dysphoria and changes, the dream becomes that much more challenging. But then again so rewarding when your dreams come true.

Finally thanks to all of you who read my blogging. Your visits and interaction make the effort so worthwhile. 

 

Trans Girl in a Gay Bar

It wasn't too long following my coming out of my gender closet when I began to try to go to gay venues to express my authentic self in a relatively safe space. There were several I began to frequent quite a bit. Then there were others I was made to feel quite uncomfortable in. In other words, if it wasn't drag night with a show, what was I doing there anyhow. Back in those days there was very little recognition in those places of what a transgender person even was. Not even a drag queen. The whole atmosphere of the music and discrimination led me to try out the big sports venues I was comfortable in. What did I have to lose?   

From the Jessie Hart
Archives. The wig I wore that night.

Even though, with a lot of persistence and a lot of luck I was able to establish myself  as a regular in several establishments where I could go in peace, watch sports on a big screen television and drink big cold draft beers. Actually it wasn't too difficult to establish myself because I was a one of a kind addition to their clientele. There were not many single women and/or transgender women who came in to enjoy a drink. I found out fairly quickly which venues leaned to the redneck side and hated me and the ones who didn't. Of course I made it easy by minding my own business and tipping well. My visits to gay venues became rarer and rarer and mostly were going to a couple small lesbian bars. One of which hated me and the other I found I was accepted for the most part or just ignored. 

Even though I nearly exclusively stayed out of the male dominated gay venues, there was one big one in downtown Dayton, Ohio I did go to on occasion to socialize with friends. By doing so I managed to have a couple memorable evenings. One of which occurred when I went to meet up with a transgender man friend of mine (who I had my first dinner out with a guy previously) and a lesbian friend of his. I remember now how long I labored over what I was going to wear and finding the prep time to get ready. I finally decided on going all black with a sleeveless black tank top, long black flowing skirt with a cut which extended up to my thigh, my black sandals topped off with my long straight black wig. Unlike several of my other outfits I had to make sure my legs were freshly shaved and my makeup was properly done. So time was of the essence. Once I finished dressing, the mirror was really singing my praises and out the door I went, savoring the feel of the summer night air on my legs and arms. For once I thought I had nailed the right outfit for where I was going. 

Once I arrived before I found my friends, I found the ladies room to make sure my wig was adjusted properly and make any last minute makeup adjustments. In the slightly dimmer light and soft surroundings the mirror was really singing my praises as I made my way out to meet my friends. During a time of experiencing mostly errors in the way I presented my feminine self, I felt very successful in this attempt. So successful I asked my friends to accompany me to my car after we partied so I had a bit of safety in numbers. The venue was in the same vicinity where I was accosted slightly when I was alone one night walking to my car. I learned the hard way, the safety part of my former male privilege was gone forever. I wasn't going to risk it again. I made it safely to my car and the evening was almost over following one more stop. 

Ironically, the big gay venue was destined to play another major role in my life as a transgender woman interacting with lesbian cis women. One of the two lesbian friends I partied with liked to attend local mixers with other lesbians in rotating venues. One month the mixer would be held at a regular venue and the next a gay spot. It just so happened I was back at the place I mentioned before surrounded by approximately twenty members of the lesbian group. As it turned out, one of my friends was trying very hard to attract the attention of another one of the attendees. However she was too shy to approach the other woman and finally asked me to do it. I was bold enough to do it and told her sure. Cautiously I approached and told her I had a friend who wanted to meet her. She basically ignored me but did take the opportunity to tell me no. As I took the bad news back to my friend, vaguely I thought this was a major moment in my life when I had been asked essentially to be a wing person for another woman. 

To my knowledge the big gay bar is still open but I have moved a distance away. Maybe my wife Liz and I can make it back up there someday to relive the experiences I had there. Unfortunately the  LGBTQ venue just down the street has closed. It was where Liz was with me when I took my first hormone replacement therapy dosage. Material for another blog post.    

It's a Marathon

 Perhaps you have heard the saying "It's a marathon, not a race." The saying really applies to transgender women and trans men. Recently on social media I have seen several posts from novice cross dressers or transgender women or more or less put on a dress and began to proclaim they were a woman. I was a little more than slightly amused until they started to threaten self harm. To which I replied be patient, your gender journey is a marathon not a race to see if you can be prettier than the next person with the heavily doctored and filtered pictures on social media. 

Photo from
the Jessie Hart
Archives

Having gone through a long life time living with my own brand of gender dysphoria, I realize by some I am criticized for waiting so long to transition myself. But on the other hand, I took myself through very specific steps which happened to sometimes take a little longer than I thought the journey would or should take. As a matter of fact, there were a number of years when I didn't think I could reach my goal of living a feminine life at all. Along the way also destiny played a part in my hanging on to cross dressing as a man while my feminine soul was screaming to be released into the world. Had I not went into the military against my will, I would never had met the woman who birthed my only child. A very supportive daughter with a transgender child of her own. In addition, the military sent me around the world to two other continents to expand my social horizons. All in all my three years in the Army turned out to be time well spent.

When in reality, I have never been a long distance runner, something deep down within me was telling me to keep moving ahead with my transgender goals. Suddenly I realized I was going to have to transition more than once. There was the time I finally decided I needed to move away from being a cross dresser. I had had enough of trying to look like a woman and wanted to see if I could live as one also. This move led to all sorts of terrifying yet satisfying adventures in the real world as I sought to blend in and even play as an equal in the girl's sandbox. Following what I thought was a semi successful transition to being a transgender woman, the need to begin hormone replacement therapy set in. About that time during my marathon, the only real roadblock to transitioning came from my second wife. When she unexpectedly and tragically passed away at the age of fifty from a massive heart attack, my path to transitioning was suddenly wide open. I started HRT which began to feminize my male exterior and forced my hand in telling what family and friends I had left my deep dark gender secret. Another serious transgender transition had started. 

I even had it easier in my marathon because I didn't have to attempt to change my sexuality around when I found women friends to socialize with almost immediately. Men never seemed to trust me so I took advantage of the fact women seemed to. I ended up having a great time hanging out with and learning from my small group of cis women friends. 

Perhaps the biggest mountain I didn't have to climb in my marathon was I never desired any major surgeries desired by other transgender women. In other words I didn't need facial feminization surgery or even genital realignment surgery to allow me to feel more feminine. My gender was definitely between my ears. At this point it is important to me to say this is just my marathon and I feel each others transition is as different as they are. Plus I am quite envious of the younger transgender population who have understanding parents and wonderful medical care to begin their own marathons. Even with those advantages there will still be many challenges ahead as they face their lives.

It is indeed a gender marathon we run and no matter how you live it, you have to be strong to survive. 

Maybe It is About You

Paula from https://paula-paulasplace.blogspot.com sent in this response on my recent post about gender transitions being selfish:

Photo Courtesy
Paula Godwin

" I am reminded of an occasion when my wife said to me "Not everything is about gender" I feel for very similar reasons. My whole world had become centred on my own gender identity ~ for me at that point everything was about gender, and how I could resolve my issues.

I had become very selfish and my need for resolution was all consuming. Although I loved my wife and wanted to preserve our marriage, I needed to sort myself out before I could try to do that, and by the time I had sorted myself out it was too late.

Of course transition is selfish, we do it for ourselves, it is our resolution to an existential problem, and there will be casualties along the way, casualties in the form of relationships, careers, status etc. Sometimes we have to be selfish just to survive."

Thank you Paula for such a thoughtful comment.  Sadly you are correct when you consider what a transgender person has to go through to complete a gender transition. We do normally have to undergo an almost complete interactive experience to follow our path to our authentic selves. We even take it to another level when we expect our spouses to come along in our journeys. Often to the point of wanting them to provide gender secrets they learned the hard way as they were progressing towards their own woman hood. My theory is no one is born a woman or a man, it is a socialization process. In nearly no one's case do they have any experience to start with with another transgender woman or trans man. So it takes extra time for spouses or friends to adjust and accept the new you. Too many don't stay around long enough to realize the improvement you realized with your transition. With the weight of the world lifted off our transgender shoulders we become better humans.

It is also true we have to be selfish to survive. The will to open the gender closet door and explore as our previously hidden true selves just becomes too much to live with. One reason for the extremely high number of suicides in the transgender community. In other words we find ourselves between a lifetime of living between a rock and a hard place. Often a beloved spouse is the rock and our gender dysphoria is the hard place. I found myself living that life for years and it nearly destroyed me. My old male self just didn't want to give up all the privileges I had accumulated and my second wife flat out refused to live with me as another woman. Similar to Paula I had to be selfish just to survive. I am of the opinion also you have to learn to love yourself before you can fully love another. 

Another of the hardest problems to explain to an non understanding person is we had absolutely no choice when we decided to complete our gender transition. Proving we are not going through a phase or some sort of fetish is often a long or even impossible process. This process proves once again we need realistic and/or sympathetic characters in the media or in the public eye to prove once again we transgender folk are not so different from anyone else. The only problem is at one point the gender process had to be all about ourselves for survival. 

Class Reunion?

 Have you ever attended a class reunion as your authentic self? Facing the daunting experience of facing your former school peers who knew you in the past. I admit for several reasons I never have. I do believe Stana of the Femulate blog has attended one of her reunions but that is it as far as any other transgender women or men I know. 

As far as I am concerned, I haven't attended  any of my high school class reunions. Even my fifty year class reunion which happened several years ago. I did attend one AFTN Radio and Television network reunion in New Orleans also which occurred years ago. But I attended it as my old male self and just brought a set of feminine clothes I could change into and explore the city after our get together was over. Ironically, there was another transgender woman at the reunion. I didn't know her from our years in the military in Thailand and was sadly unable to even say much of anything to her. She appeared to be quite early into her transition and unfortunately very ill at ease. I tried to get her attention to talk to me but never made it happen.

Photo Credit
Jessie Hart

There are many reasons I did not attend any of my high school class reunions. The main one being I knew very few of the other students in the school to begin with since I transferred in from another very small school. I was very shy and was able to develop just a small group of friends in the school. So I never felt a part of the overall fabric of the school to begin with. Leading me to feel a disconnect I have to this day. As far as my gender issues go, of course I experienced them in high school also. I dated very little but did manage to land a steady girl friend during my senior year. Due to circumstances out of my control I wouldn't have the opportunity to meet up with her and show off my new improved self anyhow because she went to another school and also ended up committing suicide when her second husband left her. Past that there were only a couple of other people I would be meeting up with after all these years anyhow. So I didn't bother on going. Plus I had it in my noggin thinking I would win some sort of insane most changed contest. None of the process appealed to me.

As far as college reunions went, I guess because I had never donated any money after I graduated that I never received an invite to any  reunion of any sort. Another function I didn't have to worry about. At my age also, just out living everyone else is a challenge. 

So no I haven't made it yet to one of my class reunions and at this point don't need the ego boost by proving to myself I could do it. Maybe if I live long enough, I will try to make it to one just to see how anyone who is left changed themselves. Especially the ultra popular girl who sat near me quite a few times in study hall and homeroom because our names were close together alphabetically. Out of pure curiosity it would be interesting to see how time has treated her. Of course back in those high school days I was driven by out of control hormones similar to everyone else. Not similar to everyone else was the fact I was in the middle of a testosterone fueled transition to my body I didn't want. It could be the reason I don't want to return to or reminded of a period of my life I hated. More than anything else going to a class reunion wouldn't help me. Not even a triumphant return from a life I didn't ask for would help me decide to attend an event where no one knew me before or after. 

    

It's Not All About You

During my often one sided obsessive goal to be a better transgender woman, my second wife often told me it all wasn't about me. The truth be known, it was all about me. At the time my one sided gender obsession only included her when I wanted to go out with her to dinner dressed as a woman. It was normally all good when she caved in and decided to go out with my feminine self. The problem was,

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

she didn't like my woman self. I believe now it all started with my propensity to dress as what I considered in a sexy nature. To no avail, even when I attempted to dress down for her, it was never enough. It was probably because she felt I hadn't learned enough about what being a woman was all about for me to be considered worthy to be one in her eyes. Along the way she had always accepted the fact I was a cross dresser but never entertained any thoughts of me going on hormone replacement therapy and transition my exterior self to a woman. 

All along I learned and accepted it was all about me. The end result was it was my life and I was attempting to live it the best I could. It just so happened my internal problems with life centered on my gender dysphoria which could be a very visible problem to conquer in public. As I tried my best to present as a woman, I would do things such as wearing sunglasses to see if others were staring at me all the way to trying to look in a mirror at peoples reflections to see if they were looking at me. Eventually I learned it indeed wasn't all about me. The great majority of people had their lives to lead and didn't really want to include me in their lives. 

In other words, my wife was right for perhaps not all the right reasons. She of course was considering the future of a possibly fast disappearing relationship to consider. While I was considering if I could salvage the marriage at all with my gender issues weighing me down. She had to decide what the future would hold.  Since I dearly loved her the entire process was torture for me. 

By now you probably have considered the fact it all was all about me. Call it selfish or not I ended up doing what ever I could to survive. My premise all along was gender was one of the most powerful decisions we ever have to consider in our lives was proven to be correct so many times. The fact the vast majority of people don't have to worry about it at all was a benefit to them. They never had to wake up in the morning wondering what gender I would have to be that day. I would not wish the experience on anyone. 

Perhaps, most importantly I learned the hard way I finally made the right decision as far as my gender transition was concerned. When I became a full time transgender woman I became a better person. Partly because such a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I was so tired of living a life cross dressed as a man. I say that because it turned out my dominate personality was female. A fact I knew all along but didn't have the personal courage to face. 

It was all about me. 

What I Wear

As I look back on my archived blog posts from years ago, I see many which zeroed in what I was wearing at the time or when I went out into a brave new feminine world. My, how times have changed.

Liz and I at Christmas Dinner

My thoughts are it all has to do with a more or less natural transgender transition, if there is such a thing. Recently it seems I have dwelled on the point I was so zeroed in on how I looked initially when I began to pursue all the work it would take to live a feminine life. The trip at times was an all encompassing journey.  Nearly all of my spare time was spent on trying on my collection of female clothes and trying new ways of applying makeup. 

As I grew, it became increasingly evident to me while what I wore was important, it was decreasing in it's overall importance. Being a girl was becoming so much more important than looking like one. It turned out my feminine appearance was useful in getting by in the world but did not help with my overall problems with gender dysphoria. In fact sometimes it made it worse. Following the times I was very successful in my feminine presentation often I would fall into a deep depression. The more I was successful, the more I wanted to do. The depression was incredibly self destructive and led me to anger issues I internalized until I couldn't take it anymore and began to take my frustrations out on others. The whole process led me to nearly lose jobs or go into frenetic moves looking for new jobs. It took me years to understand completely what was going on. 

These days, since I have been living a fulltime life as a transgender woman for years now, what I wear has become less important to me. Of course any vestiges of my male wardrobe are long gone and I have settled into what is comfortable yet having some sort of style. An example is today I am wearing one of my favorite warm cowl neck sweaters with my black leggings and boots. Ironically even this is being dressed up for me because we are planning to go out and run some errands this afternoon. 

On occasion I miss the buzz I experienced when I first started my gender transition. An example is I follow  @Anna B on Medium who often writes in depth on what she is wearing.  As I said many times I envy her learning curve she is going through as she struggles to find her way. 

I suppose being transfixed with what we wear as cross dressers or novice transgender women is a natural part of growing older. My wife Liz is a prime example. She has seen me at my best and my worst so if I am only going to see in in a day, I naturally spend less time on my appearance. Hormone replacement therapy has helped me also. The process softened my skin and facial lines requiring less makeup. I use a basic moisturizer, eye makeup, lipstick then brush out my hair and I am ready to face the world. 

So what I wear is quite simple these days.

Living our Transgender Passion

 Most certainly living out a dream to change a gender requires a lot of passion. As a matter of fact, a life time of passion. 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

Early in life I was guilty of living in the mirror and pretending I was a pretty girl but at the same time I knew I had deeper issues. Such as when someone asked me exactly what I wanted to be later in life, I dutifully answered a lawyer, or architect or something similar. My inner truth was telling me all I really wanted to do was grow into the woman I always wanted to be. Naturally, I kept the opinion to myself to avoid all sorts of potential problems. Little did I know my ultimate desire to live a feminine life would never leave me. It would just become stronger over the years as I learned my passion could indeed be achieved.

As I am finding out from more and more readers of the blog our pre-internet upbringing had more to do with holding back our gender growth than we could have imagined. In other words, our gender closets remained smaller and darker than they should have because we had very little ways to reach out to others with the same situation. As I remember it took me all the way until I was in my thirties (in the mid 1970's) before I met another transvestite. As we were called back in those days. Once I was able to meet others who lived fairly close to me, they fueled my passion to explore further if I could follow my goal to live more as a woman. Two of my acquaintances became role models of sorts when they went from so called cross dressers to undergoing genital realignment surgery in the several years which I knew them. I was fairly certain "going all the way" surgically wasn't for me but the fact still remained I still was fueled by my age old passion to live as a woman. To me, it wasn't so much about what was between my legs which was driving me as much as what was going on between my ears in my noggin. 

As I took all of this into consideration, it became clear to me the path I had to take would become increasingly difficult. The more I learned about the new term "transgender" at the time, the more I felt it described me. The tough part was figuring out what to do about it. What happened was a series of disjointed often mis-guided steps towards achieving my goal of leading a transgender life. I found in order to do it I had to completely transition again. Somehow I needed to move from being a cross dresser and looking like a woman to being transgender and following my passion to live as a woman.  After a series of successes helped me to accomplish my goal, I finally developed the courage to leave my male life and all the privileges' I had earned behind. Before I did, trying to live a life with one foot in each of the binary genders nearly killed me. I am sure others have been more successful than me trying to do it. I just couldn't. 

Passion is a difficult creature. For some it is an all out driver to take on and achieve a goal while with others passion provides a more even path to success. Plus it helps also when you can savor a few successes along the way. On occasion I look back and think maybe a higher power was guiding my path and passion because of all the dark times I spent wondering if I was doing the right thing. Or all the times I "purged" (threw out) all my feminine possessions only to reacquire them again. I should have known following my first purge, none of the future purges would work either. Passion just proved to be too powerful.